I (31M) just went through a really emotionally draining day with my girlfriend (30F) and I’m struggling to process what happened or where things stand. I don’t want to paint her as a villain because I understand she was frustrated, but I also feel really confused about how everything escalated so badly. I’d really like some outside opinions from people who can see both sides.
It was our anniversary. I had worked for days on something special for her — I wrote a heartfelt 3-part letter, and after each section, I made a custom art reveal tied to each message. I stayed up the entire night before finishing it, tweaking the details, and making sure it was something meaningful and personal. By the time I was done it was around 6 AM. I maybe got about 40 minutes of broken, on-and-off sleep before I called it there and started my day.
When we got on a call around 9 AM, we talked a little bit, then I gave her the full letter with the art reveals. It was a whole presentation. She loved it. She was really happy, very sweet and loving about it, and everything felt like it was going well in that moment.
Afterward, we started reading together — something we normally both enjoy and connect over. But after being sleep-deprived and already drained, I started to get a really bad headache while we were on the call. I tried to push through because I love when she reads to me, but I felt myself zoning out quickly. At some point, I leaned back, closed my eyes, but I was still listening… or at least I thought I was. In reality, things were just… going in one ear and out the other. I wasn’t really processing anything and was mentally drifting in and out.
At some point, she said something and realized I wasn’t responding. That’s when things blew up. She got really upset, started yelling, asking why I wasn’t answering her when she’d asked the same question multiple times. I tried to apologize but honestly I was so out of it that I barely registered what was happening. She was angry, frustrated, kept repeating how she was done, and eventually hung up. The worst part was I wasn’t mentally alert enough to even grasp how it got to that point. Everything felt like a blur.
Later in the day after getting some sleep, I reached out trying to explain what happened from my side — that I’d been sleep-deprived, mentally out of it, had no intention of ignoring her, and I just wasn’t fully present because I pushed myself too hard. She said it didn’t change anything. She acknowledged the gift was sweet and appreciated it but said the issue is how I ignored things, and how this isn’t the first time she’s felt dismissed or not heard. She kept saying it doesn’t change what happened or how she felt. I tried to take accountability, not make excuses, but also explain that I literally wasn’t fully conscious of what was going on.
At the end of it, I told her I’d give her space and I hope we can talk again. She said “okay.” I’ve noticed since then she removed “for the rest of eternity” from her status, which was something we both used to reference our relationship. That feels like a gut punch, like it might be over — but she hasn’t directly said “we’re broken up” either or that’s what she meant when she said she was done. I just don’t know.
I’m feeling emotionally wrecked because I really put so much love and effort into that gift, but the moment after became one of the worst arguments we’ve had and that I wasn’t even coherent for. I also feel terrible because I didn’t communicate my exhaustion or ask for a break from reading due to it being so sudden, and I understand why that upset her. I don’t want to make it sound like she’s the bad person — I know she was frustrated and felt dismissed — but I feel completely lost about where we stand or if I even have a chance to fix things.
I love this girl to death—she means so much to me, and I’d go to the ends of the earth for her. That’s why this whole situation is tearing me up. I know I messed up with how I handled my exhaustion, but I also felt completely blindsided by how fast it escalated after all the love we shared just a few hours before.
TL;DR: Stayed up all night making a big 3-part anniversary gift for my girlfriend, barely got any sleep, ended up zoning out with a headache while she was reading to me. She blew up, said she was done, and hung up. Later I tried explaining but she stayed frustrated, said it didn’t change anything. Now she’s pulled back emotionally and I’m confused if we’re broken up. I love her deeply and just want perspective on where things might stand and how I can do better.
Comments
My theory is that she already wanted to break up prior to the call, so she overreacted to something small and inconsequential as a way to make the break up your fault.