GF (27F) and me (27M) have been together for almost two and a half years. In that time, we’ve had the normal ups and downs of any relationship, but we still made memories, have gone on vacations, moved in together, and even adopted a cat.
However, since June, things seem to have taken a turn for the worse. She now seems to go from 0 to 100 over minute things more frequently. It has happened before in our relationship, but sparingly, never as frequent as I see it happening now. In the rare times it did happen before, I usually just didn’t t say much back and when I did, it was in a calm voice and she would calm down too pretty quickly, then apologize, and we move on.
Now though, she keeps going on and on when I say very little, and it’s gotten to the point where i do start engaging back, but in a more defensive way, which I know only makes things worse. I just don’t know how to respond since either option doesn’t seem to de-escalate it quickly. Eventually she does calm down after a while, and will apologize for it, but for me, by the time it gets to that point I’m already emotionally drained and ive told her she needs to stop causing these moments to begin with.
Then 2-3 weeks later, it starts all over again over something, like any normal situation or interaction can somehow cause it to happen. This is literally how it’s been since June, and I’m losing any hope she’ll change. A couple of times, she started arguing with me in the street as we were walking home and I tried to disengage by walking away. It did stop the argument right there, but when I got home, she went full on at me for walking away, even after I explained my reason for it, and she said that just made it worse cause it annoyed her.
I don’t know why her mood has changed into this. My first guess would be anti-depressant medications she’s on, but she’s been taking those since before she met me and it didn’t seem to affect her much when we met, so why would that have more of an impact now?
TL;DR – GF is becoming toxic by staying in this cycle of arguing, lashing out, apologizing, then repeat a few weeks later. Is this salvageable?
Comments
You haven’t provided much context around specifically what she gets irascible over. That said, the fact that she is apologising shows that there is some element of guilt on her part; I would suggest having an honest conversation with her about that you can no longer go on and that she needs to seek therapy.
If not , then I wouldn’t really bother anymore and walk away
Have you approached this topic with her in conversation?
It’s going to require a lot of gentle tact and patience, and probably won’t resolve itself in one conversation. But you need to let her know how her behavior is starting to put on tax on you and straining the relationship.
You’re going to need to listen to her- a lot. Listen. Listen. Listen. When you feel like you have something to say- don’t. Either keep listening or ask a question to help guide the conversation where you want it to go.
Do not blame her for anything, but be willing to accept responsibility for the things you may have done. If she is accusing you of things that are not true, you need to kindly let her know that it’s not true.
Your approach should be that you two are on the same team, fighting against this problem you are having together. It’s not just her problem because it’s a relationship and it takes two to tango.
I might get flamed for this last point, but arguments create the same type of burning passion in our brains as deep love. Sometimes people act this way because they just want to feel more emotion in the relationship.
Has she reflected on this, as to why it’s happening? What’s going on internally when it happens? I’ve been where you are and it was a toxic ass relationship. Eventually I just literally couldn’t do it anymore after she started an argument at 2am when I had work the next morning, and I left… never looked back.
Idk what’s right for you bro, but it clearly has to change. Like, red alert 🚨has to change. If she doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation, you should put it in writing. But yea, if I was in your shoes I would be gone, I will never have patience for that behavior ever again.