My girlfriend keeps sending me home and kicking me out of the bed so that her daughter can sleep with her. This is a regular thing and I’ve been with her 1.5 years. We fight often about this she thinks this should go on forever married or not. I think this should end sooner than later I’ve been accepting of it for a long time but we’re on a trip now to Hawaii with her family and I’ve been kicked out of the bed to the air mattress so her daughter can be comfortable. As she says her daughter’s comfort comes first. What do I do I can’t accept this and know children’s sleep experts say it’s wrong but she won’t hear me.
Girlfriend kicks me out for child
r/Advice
Comments
Her kid, her choice.
“ What do I do I can’t accept this”
Asked and answered.
Seems you’re ending a relationship.
She’s right
Why won’t you let her sleep in the bed? My ex’s kid used to get in our bed sometimes. I think if she doesn’t trust you around her kid, either there has to be some reason for it, or she’s just not that serious about you.
You’re going to finish with her but not because of the daughter. You’re being told you will never come first, that you’re a beta nd that’s the roll she’s grooming you for. It won’t change, best to move on.
Would you like any woman that puts a boyfriend ahead of her children?
Her child comes first nothing wrong with that, the child will grow out of it. Wait or leave don’t make her feel bad for putting her kid first.
Buddy run . My friend went through same thing it is not healthy for the child they need to learn to sleep on there own. My buddies doctor is a specialist in child development and the mother cant let go.
Not sure how old kid is, but my 6 year old means I regularly sleep on the spare bed, and have done so for years, hell my kid will grow out of it, and whilst it’s not great, my kid is happy, safe and loved. Small sacrifice to have my family know that we’re a team.
And the few moments I get to sleep in my own best next to my wife the entire night at that much sweeter
Just went on a „family trip“ with my new partner and their 7 y.o. kid.
Plan was to let the kid sleep in the room next door… well… that didn‘t quite work out as we anticipated…
So the kid comes into our room in the middle of the night and snuggles up with my partner.
And that’s how we slept – didn‘t have it on my Bingo card (although I should have!), but it worked out.
TLDR: Your mattress seems to small for three; if you want to stay in the relationship: GET A BIGGER MATTRESS!
It’s impossible to win against a kid (and you shouldn’t need to try in the first place).
Stay safe & sane – I‘m rooting for you!
Dump her she has no respect for you .
Her kid should 100% come first. Every time. And one day, if you ever have kids, I hope you’re the type of father that puts his kids first over a girlfriend too.
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Find a new gf
This is normal. It happens. Deal with it, be supportive, stop causing stress or leave. Sort out a spare bed, sofa or camp bed you can sleep on. Her daughter is and always will be her priority. If you can’t deal with that, move on.
You ever heard the one about expectations. There’s a quote I like. I don’t know who wrote it but it goes like this “expectations are premeditated resentments”. Meaning what you build up in your head your fantasies and hopes, they never quite match up to reality. So when you believe that sometime soon you’ll get your way you’re setting yourself up to resent the experience or the woman you claim to love. She’s made herself very clear. If you’re holding on to the hope she’ll change her mind. Well it’s been over a year. I think that ship has sailed. So why let it breed resentment in your relationship. If you can’t accept it, move on. If you can don’t ask again. If you really want to live your life with this woman and be a father to her child. You’ll have many years to stay the night with her, after the child is older.
The girlfriend is not the problem. You are the problem by letting her dictate the relationship. She is kicking you and you keep coming back like a damn fool. You are either slow or just don’t know any better. I tell all young men and women to find their place. My girlfriend used to kick me out every time she got mad. I would go into my pockets and shake my keys in her face and I would tell her I got my place. As soon as I get home, she pulls up right behind me. She didn’t think I would leave her because he was sexy and damn attractive. You have to teach people how to treat you. If they don’t know how to treat you, you go inside your pockets and shake your keys for your own car and house.
It’s kind of nice to read a story where a person puts their child before a partner. What did you expect when you got into a relationship with her?
Bounce Bro.
The evidence is co-sleeping is mixed. How old is the kid? I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to put up with it for a time. But it’s a bit strange your partner is so fine with it indefinitely. Sure don’t rush a little kid to stop if it makes her happy and secure, but have some intention and rough plan to help her transition out of the habit. It’s for the kids’best interest too.
Someone in a comparable situation once said “There’s 4 billion other people of your gender, but only one that is my child. Of course my child comes first, it is my only one.”
Choose one of the other 3.999.999.997 women on earth.
Move on.
All the ‘men’ in these comments… (whiney voice) “I don’t come first in the relationship, the kid is always prioritised”. Boo fucking hoo. That’s what good parents do, they put their kids needs above their own. Grow a pair and grow the fuck up.
She’s gonna pick the kid over you every single time, you either have to deal with it or leave. I get it sucks for you, but this is what you get when you date single mothers (in no way crapping on them, it’s just a reality that there are hurdles).
She doesn’t respect you. It’s pretty obvious. I was with a girl whose kid always tried to pull this and she would just tell him no. Guess what? The kid is still perfectly normal. Sounds like the daughter is a bit spoiled too. If you don’t stand up for yourself then this behavior will continue your entire life with her.
I once went to a local Saturday market and I saw this family, a wife and son were walking IN FRONT of the dad while he was in the back and was holding TWO coffees. It was the saddest sight. We made eye contact and the look he gave me was so sad and pathetic it’s like he was screaming “help.” I vowed I would never end up like that, and you should too.
Plenty of women out there. Find someone who respects you.
How old is the child? A single mother with an only child can be a disaster, strong propensity for enmeshment
Not sure what age the child is, but they should grow out of it.
Mainly: have a constructive open talk with your girlfriend about it. Don’t whine, understand it’s her responsibility to help her kid grow out of it. Don’t try to push.
Lookup some alternatives or rewards for sleeping in their own bed for x ammount of nights: maybe the child would like “camping” indoor (set up a small tent inside or build a pillow-fort they can sleep in for a night.)
Also, have the other talk with your girlfriend:
If you see yourself with her in the long run, you need to agree on what kind of role you’ll have in her kid’s life.
Of course, a child’s comfort is more important than yours. And, of course, your girlfriend’s top priority should be her and not you. Get over yourself, pretty please with sugar on top.
Walk away….
Her daughter is more important than you…as it should be
You gotta be trolling or put yourself on her shoes would you be dumb enough to show your kid that a stranger basically comes first than them?
End it
Depends on how old the kid is . If it’s a toddler sure it’s expected that they will come into bed . However there’s plenty of women who actively encourage children into the bed in case their husband/ boyfriend may feel frisky. I expect to read the update on R/ dead bedroom in ten years.
there are so many posts on this both sides woman complaining about her husband letting yhe kids sleep in thr bed . im being down voted cause everyone agrees with your gf and want to be immature but you should leave if shes not listening to you and thers no intimacy being given to you there won’t ever be.. kids have a bedroom even in full blown marriages and their own kid if one spouse js upset about co sleeping it shouldn’t happen take the kid to their room lay with them til they fall alsrleep comfort them thrn go back to your spouse… ways to compromise but here people dont look at why marriages fail why people feel neglected we aren’t all the same
Your girlfriend sounds like a weirdo and you sound like a bitch ass for not doing more about it and going against everyone’s advice and making it seem like you are now the problem. Put that fucking kid back in a bed of her own. The only times I slept with my godmother was when there was nowhere else to sleep and there wasn’t a man in the bed.
Here’s what you’re not understanding.
Unless you’re a violent sociopath ,You cannot affect somebody else’s behavior.
You can only ask for a change , communicate boundaries , and then affect your behavior.
It sounds like you’re now getting to the point of an ultimatum .
But I do not suggest you do a heads up, ultimatum : either me, or the daughter gets to sleep in the bed or else . You will lose this one..
Instead, have a conversation about parenting and goals . Ask her to tell you about her vision for her daughter.
What kind of person is she trying to raise?
Is this child going to grow up to be independent and strong or reliant on her parents for everything for the rest of her life?
I guess that this is not the only time the parent mollycoddles the child .
She is emotionally crippling her child, making her dependent on her mother .
Instead of me versus the daughter, you should be talking about strong, independent young woman versus whatever this is
Not a good practice for the daughter either how old is she? Like they can’t go on forever?
Switch to a room with two beds.
Her kid does come first – so accept it and find a way that you can be comfortable. Get enough real beds for everyone
Guys this isn’t a boyfriend versus daughter thing.
This is a parenting mistake. The woman is making.
Children grow and should be taught to grow strong and independent .
This woman is not facilitating that for her daughter .
And we don’t know how old this child is .
If the child is two, I could understand mom keeping the kid close by, but if the child is 12, this is a poor parenting decision by the woman
If you were a woman, these same people would tell u to leave. I wouldn’t stick around.
If you want to stay in the relationship you have to go forward with the understanding that you need to have your own, separate, sleeping accomodations. In hotels, book rooms with two beds, at home, have your own bed/bedroom. If you’re not able to do that then you have to accept the current arrangement or leave the relationship. you’ve told her this doesn’t work for you but she prioritizes her daughter which she has every right to do.
How old is the kid?
The child may not “grow out of it”. My neighbours’ 15yo daughter, who has mild autism, still wants to sleep with her parents. Her father doesn’t allow it anymore but she knows her mom is a bit spineless so she goes into her parents’ bed at night when her father is away for work. I also know of plenty of families whose kids didn’t want to stop sleeping with their parents until they got so big (e.g. 11yo) the parents finally put an end to it.
This is “gentle parenting” BS and if OP wants a normal relationship it looks like he’ll need to break it off with this woman and start over with someone else.
Did I miss the child’s age?
It’s a Red flag that she does this, also that you hang around. Time to grow up and move on.
Do you live together?
Does her daughter live with her?
How often does she do this?
Is this only when she brings her daughter to visit your place?
Is it only on vacation?
If she wants her daughter to have the bed then she should be sleeping on the air mattress with you or renting a place with enough beds. If the child is too young to sleep alone then she should be in a crib.
Since you are not married. you are in that bed by her invitation only. The child is her responsibility to love and care for and comes higher in the pecking order than a boyfriend. This , is a how it is and how it should be, However, as a husband that bed is yours and your wifes, and the child does not belong there, unless they are permitted. I think you have a decision to make.
Oh Brodie she’s letting the daughter know she comes first imma take it, that’s not your kid?
I would be pretty fuckin heated sleeping on an air mattress on vacation in Hawaii. Fuck all that dude. A child’s weight is much lighter than adult body so sleeping on an air mattress isn’t that bad. It can suck for adults though. That’s pretty emasculating tho dude.
Let this be a lesson for you though. Hold on to this feeling and don’t let it go so it will be easier to end this shitshow of a relationship. And then remember this feeling if you get red flags in your next relationship
“What do I do I can’t accept this”. You leave her that’d what you do. How long is she planning on having her daughter sleep with her? Until she’s 10, 15, 28? Get out now and cut your losses.
You should leave her.
You’re not compatible, and frankly, she deserves someone who doesn’t cherry pick experts to prove a point and is adult enough to have some actual care and compassion for a child.
When you get home you break up, you will never be her priority, you will always come last, single moms are for recreational use only
How old is the child? That kinda makes a difference. However, expecting a single parent to choose their partner over their child is a pipe dream unless they are a shitty parent. Your post reads as though you would expect her to choose u over her child. There is a lot to parenting, and as a person without kids, you dont understand. I ended a 3 yr good relationship when me and my gf had an argument- she said shit about my kids that they overheard. Took all of 10 seconds from the time she said it until i told her we were over,told her to get out of my house and ghosted her. I never looked back. Talked to her once after that- She said thats the way she fights- to win. I said she won, go find someone else. No regrets on my end.
Basically, you have a conflict. If it is a real stubborn issue, and it sounds like it is, then a third person, especially a mediator or professional conflict resolution person, could be an option. In the meantime, research and apply conflict resolution strategies. Here is a place to begin. I can send you more intel if requested https://www.nu.edu/blog/seven-conflict-resolution-tips-for-couples/
Girlfriend is putting her child first, over her boyfriend. Sounds like a good parent. An adult can always look out for themselves, children can’t.
Boyfriend doesn’t even live there. This is the girlfriend, & her daughter’s house & the boyfriend is having a whinge about the Mother doing the right thing by her child.
This guy needs to find a girlfriend without a child, he wants all the attention & can’t deal when he hasn’t got his own way. No the girlfriend should not be sharing the bed with child & boyfriend.
how old is the child?
Gf putting her kid ahead of a loser? How awful.
Kid comes before you. And always will. End of story
‘Her daughter’, so not yours. This could get better as kid ages out of it, but there’ll probably always be something. The only way to get what you want from a relationship as a man is to make it clear through your actions and bearing that you’ll accept nothing less. You have done the opposite. At this stage you either accept it or leave.
You can’t accept it, so you have two options.
find a compromise with your gf.
leave.
You don’t try and force, coerce or manipulate to get your way. You sit down and have a conversation telling her “I cannot continue like this, I cannot accept this…how are we going to navigate this issue?”.
If you cannot resolve the issue to both parties’ satisfaction, it’s time to walk away.
Unfortunately, you are not going to change her devotion to and relationship with her daughter. So, you’re going to need to be a solutions person and work with her to find the solution that works for the three of you.
My daughter sleeps with me, she just comes in at night when she wakes up and gets into bed. We have a big king bed so everyone fits though.
If you can fit two full beds in the room though that’s honestly the best way to go. Or even your own rooms. Much better sleep that way and no laws saying you can only have sex if you share a bed.
How old is the child? In a comment, you mentioned that you asked if she would sleep with her when the child is 10 so it indicates the child is under 10. It is normal and healthy for her to offer comfort and co-sleep if needed. As the child grows older it will happen less as the child matures. Nothing at all wrong with a child under 10 needing the mother’s comfort.
She is supposed to prioritize her child. That is what an excellent mother does. She prioritizes her child.
If the child sleeps with her YOU shouldn’t be sleeping with her because YOU are not the child’s father.
You sound like you shouldn’t be a partner to someone with children.
sorry this is happening ,but this is unhealthy you resent this as you should mom has her idea of parenting and you are not included , in her thought process this is a recipe for disaster you are not compatible , imagine getting married to her and the daughter will have more say in your relationship then you do , you will be the evil step parent or partner ,These are the truths you need to except
Just live with it, and accept it. It won’t be very many years until it changes, anyway.
> this should go on forever married or not
I don’t think here future spouse will like it any more than you do, son perhaps you can then help each others.
I get it that you’re venting and need validation. Get rid of her mate.
Dude, while a mother should make the child her first priority, kicking you out of bed shouldn’t be acceptable. It sounds like you know what you need to do and that’s end the relationship. Sounds to me like she should be a single mom as in not have a boyfriend.
You’re always going to come last in this relationship. Why stay for that?
I kick my husband out of bed for our kids (well I mean technically he sleeps on a sliver of bed on the side like I do as well or he goes to a different bedding situation, it’s just kind of a role a dad gets to play. Difference between him and OP is one, it’s his kids so he knows they come first and agrees and two, he knows I’m the type of mom who will kick him out for my kids and decide to be with me and not try to change me because he is jeeof a child?
this community is fucked to all the single women out there kook around this is why real men with integrity dint want women with children
Your either going to have to accept it or break up with her, yes its not a healthy thing but obviously she wont change for you so either accept it or say bye!
Well that’s it friend. You mostly have your answer , dunno how strong your feeling are but better have a serious talk with her or continue building resentment over it
OP you don’t mention the age of the child. Personally if I’m literally being kicked out of bed, I’m having an adult discussion with GF. How can we fix this? Having your sleep disturbed constantly is not good but also this child needs to feel safe. If this child is 3 vs say 13, completely different response.
I wouldn’t personally tolerate having my sleep disturbed constantly. Also, is she expecting you to be dad to this child?
Lots of unanswered questions.
Ultimately if you can’t deal with the situation (and you’re NTA either way) then find a new lady.
Dont date single parents.
I was in your situation before and it comes down to the fact that you would raise a child differently.
Personally I left. I didn’t see the value in supporting someone to raise a kid who ultimately will not be raised the way I would accept.
Not your daughter i guess??
Info: how old is the child?
Her child can sleep in a playpen. I have 4 kids and not once have my kids put me out of my bed and I slept on the floor or in another room. I wouldn’t put up with that. Is the kid your child or are you going to get to raise some other dudes child? Maybe she doesn’t trust you in the same bed as her child. Either way I would leave on the next plane back home and ghost her.
You aren’t the parent. Kids come first. Deal with second place or leave.
I mean I think this is acceptable up to a certain age? If her daughter is really young then I can understand but if the kid is somewhat grown then they need to learn to be a little independent. She’s a good parent for putting her child before anyone else but after the kids a certain age you kinda have to let them be a bit independent. Can’t coddle your kid forever or they gonna be a shitty adult.
Fuck dating single moms. You’re better off staying single and focusing on you.
Hey dude, dont read any of this nonsense.
Leave. It won’t get better. Trust me.
She’s a women go get ur self a girl since u wonna act like a lil boy any man would respect that!
Child comes first. Period.
I think children always come first
It doesn’t matter who came next
But in this case it doesn’t have to be that way.
Does the girl have her own bed? Do you have her room?
Then each one in their own bed. And if possible in different rooms
But if she does it this way and you accept it, she won’t change because the priority has to be the child, always but with limits for both the child and those involved.
She’s lucky that you’re not like the others who leave the first time and never come back.