TLDR: i snooped and read my gf’s journal, to discover she thinks she’s smarter than me. I dont know how to address this or if i should stay in this relationship. what should i do?
I know this isn’t a great way to start. I read my girlfriend’s journal and found out she thinks she’s smarter than me: that I can’t keep up with her, and is worried she feels intellectually unfulfilled in our relationship. She is smart, ivy league grad, and we’re at different stages in our careers. I went to great state schools and have two Masters degrees. I’ve always sensed this, she sometimes dismisses my opinions, acts like she knows better, and doesn’t really take what I say seriously at times.
She denies it, but I can feel it. Now that I’ve read this in her journal, I don’t know what to do. I know I betrayed her trust by reading her journal, place meant for her private thoughts and feelings, but it’s also really invalidating to be with someone who thinks I’m not on their level.
My ego and sense of self is crushed, and feel like I’ll be disrespecting myself by staying with someone who thinks less of me.
What should i do?
Comments
You’re not compatible. End it now, save everyone’s time.
It depends on what she means by that. Everyone is smarter in different fields. I think what’s more important is that you think she looks down on you in regards to your intelligence. And you have to ask yourself if that’s true.
Is there anything positive about this relationship? What is compelling you to stay?
Wow you both are not good partners
Doesn’t matter if there’s other positives.
You lack trust.
Your intuition was correct.
It will continue . Shell continue to think of you as less than.
Seems she’s also worried about it enough to write it in her journal.
It wouldn’t last anyways
YTA! Absolutely. I know that wasn’t the question but it’s the answer.
You are not smart you are deceitful and she deserves better than you!
I’d leave. I had a bf who tought he was smarter than me and treated me that way, like he is lacking something because of that. Many people are genius level smart and kind at the same time, and they have partners of average intelligence and never mention or think something like your girlfriend mentions in her journal. Everyone brings different stuff to the table, not everyone needs a super intelligent partner who challenges them, some people want someone kind, or good looking, or funny. If my partner made me feel stupid or small or insecure, I’d leave.
And your partner has every right to feel how she feels, regardless of it being true or not. I think you two are not a good match.
>what should i do?
not date people if you’re going to violate their privacy. seriously. that’s super shitty of you. don’t go into someone else’s personal shit without express and on-going consent.
what the fuck is the matter with you. why did you do this. why did you disrespect your partner like this, that is asshole behaviour and you damned well know better. did you not trust her, or something, because don’t date people you don’t trust, or don’t trust you.
so you fucked around and did something stupid, and now you’re feeling bad because of what happened as a result of your dipshit fucking around.
sit with it. grow up. stop being shitty and insecure. stop being disrespectful to your partner.
you could’ve just asked, but nooooo, you decided to be a shithead and snoop. smfh. you brought this on yourself.
like, you can talk to her about it, if you want. that’s the surest way to address an issue in your reltaionship, is to talk to your partner about it. just be aware, that that’s going to mean she, rightfully, has questions about how trustworthy you are, since you clearly aren’t. and people shouldn’t date people they don’t trust, or who don’t trust them.
people can have relationships where there’s disparity in interests, hobbies, intelligence, etc. it can happen, so long as both parties are open and honest, communicate, and don’t get pissy and resentful and distrustful. both need to act like adults, not children.
edit: corrected a poor phrasing.
I would take this as an exit. You really don’t want to be with someone who thinks that, right?! I mean, that’s pretty bad to not take you seriously as a partner and I wouldn’t want someone to think that about me. You can tell her and that you feel differently and don’t want to continue seeing her or give no explanation but you should definitely end it.
If two people are in a relationship theres a good chance the two wont have the exact same IQ. One will be “smarter” “more intelligent” however you want to phrase it. In this case she thinks she is smarter. That in itself I wouldnt say is a huge issue (though it would be completely valid if you did and thats a dealbreaker to you). Nobody knows whether thats true (unless yall did an iq test with a psychologist). What I find concerning that she seems to belittle you because of that and deducing that since you may not be as smart as her your opinion has lesser value and seemingly is taking pride in not just being ingelligent – but specifically more intelligent than you and in consequence treating you differently. Also its a big red flag that you read her journal behind her back. If I were you I’d come clean to her and also initiate a conversation about how you feel and how she is treating you, maybe she is doing it subconsciously.
Start wearing a cravat around the house and smoke one of those giant burl pipes. Anytime she says anything to you, pause, tamp the tobacco in your pipe. Fiddle with it, light it, and say:
“I bow, of course, to your superior intellect; after all, anyone confident enough to interrupt a man in a cravat clearly knows everything.”
Then a pause. Puff the pipe. Tilt your head.
Or probably break up.
why would you snoop if you didn’t want to know her deepest darkest thoughts? Clearly she hasn’t said anything because she thinks it’ll hurt your feelings. You were never supposed to know
Contrary to some comments I think the snooping is the bigger deal here because we don’t know how she acts, but we DO know you are a snooper….
Her having doubts is the real issue. Not to be a braggart, but I consider myself rather smart. Smarter I think than most of the women I’ve dated. I’ve never held that against them or felt like it was something I had to “deal with.” It just is what it is. It’s not like they were special needs, and I never looked down on them or used it against them. Hell, in some cases I was downright jealous of them. Many of my girlfriends had traits that I found myself wanting. Care free attitude, more outgoing nature, happy and positive. All the things I’m not lol. But anyway …
And as others have said, being smart doesn’t mean you know everything. Even though I consider myself smarter than my exes, it doesn’t mean I knew more than them about everything. Everyone has a wealth of knowledge of all their personal interests.
You both seem well educated. While I don’t put a ton of stock into college degrees these days, it’s clear that you’re not stupid if you have two masters. So maybe she feels the way she does because you’re not interested in the same things, and thus she knows a lot more about stuff that you don’t really give a shit about.
I’d have a talk with her. Try to be non-accusatory. Also, try not to say you read her diary or make it obvious that you did. It’s not good to lie, but honestly telling her you did that isn’t going to do anyone any favors. You said you’ve felt like in the past you’ve been dismissed or treated as though you weren’t her equal. So talk to her about those moments and broach the topic that way. It’s possible you’re both just not meant for each other. Maybe you don’t have the same interests. Maybe she’s kind of stuck up and thinks she’s an amazing ray of sunshine and you’re not worthy of her. Either way it will be good for both of you to know and deal with it.
I feel your pain.
I (62 M) once dated a seemingly loving, generous woman (she’ll be 60 next month). We got along great, except when she drank excessively and would get mean and insulting. Turns out that she felt superior to me and didn’t consider me to be her equal in intelligence, even though she needed me to write her comments on her evaluation sheets at work. She even said I’m not a real writer. So…ugh.
If she is journaling about it she may be considered breaking up with you. “Intellectually unsatisfying” is hard to fix. It doesn’t even necessarily mean she thinks she is smarter than you on the whole; your interests just may not overlap in a way that is making her feel that way.
And don’t ever read someone elses journal ever again.
Sooo, what if she is actually smarter than you? Is that the problem itself?
Is she smarter than you?