For context me and her have been together going on 2 years they were together for 6 years we found out last week that his drinking had finally taken its toll and he was in the hospital with liver failure and he died this morning and she is pretty devastated she says she’s fine but is currently crying in the shower and I can’t help feel weird about it like she hadn’t moved on or still has feelings for him I never liked this guy even in high school he was a dick and he wasn’t great to my girlfriend or her daughter that being said it’s sad he died at such a young age 35 I guess my question is am being awful for having these feelings are they just my insecurities coming through or do you guys think she wasn’t over this guy not sure how to approach this with my girlfriend or if I even should just trying to be supportive and help her through this at this point
Girlfriends ex died and she’s really upset
r/AITAH
Comments
YTA. Why can’t you use sentences when you write?
Not exactly the asshole if you haven’t made a scene about it and kept it to yourself
How can you be surprised she’s shocked and sad by the death of a person she spent a part of her life with and perhaps ended on good terms?
I’m in a 5 year relationship and maybe wouldn’t be as big because I’m not very emotional but a death of my ex would still take its toll on me
Just be supportive and you will not be the AH. Grief is complex and she was with him for 6 years regardless of what a douche you think he was.
It doesn’t in any way invalidate your relationship. Plus, dude, he’s dead. He ain’t the competition.
cut her some slack…we are all humans
They may have broken up, but they still had history. And chances are she left him because she could see that his drinking was more important to him than her. So him finally dying from his alcoholism, to her, was an ending she probably tried to help him avoid while they were together.
Of course she’s grieving.
There’s nothing wrong with you having mixed feelings. But what she is going through doesn’t take away from what the two of you have. She probably needs a shoulder to cry on, and is afraid to ask for yours.
Go give her a hug.
NTA
Do you have any exes you had serious relationships with? Even if you don’t have romantic feelings toward them, wouldn’t you feel grief if they died?
If he struggled with alcoholism, maybe she loved him and tried to save him but realized it was no longer a viable relationship. Maybe she feels like she failed and could have saved him. Regardless, she’s allowed to feel grief that he’s gone. Especially if he’s her daughter’s father.
I would suggest looking into family therapy so all 3 of you can process your feelings about this death. Don’t assume she was secretly in love with him – ask how she’s feeling and then process your reaction with a therapist. If you love her, you’ll work to support her during this time. And if it turns out there were unresolved feelings or she doesn’t care for you in the way you thought, then you can decide if you want to leave.
I can see this both ways. If it wasnt a bad breakup and they grew apart or in this situtation left him because he drank too much I could see it. If it was cheating, well that is different because typically you hate the person.
NTA, but it’s important that you realize that how jarring it must be to hear that someone you once loved, and spent so much time with has passed. It’s very possible that she was over the relationship, but her grief is going to be difficult to navigate.
If you love her and believe that you have something worth fighting for, then I’d stay through this difficult time. If it’s too much for you, then you also aren’t wrong for telling her you cannot handle being that support for her and she needs to understand that too.
The dude she spent years with and the father of her child died and you think it’s no big deal? She clearly broke up with him because of his issues, she made the right choice there but she can still be upset about someone she was with for so long and had a big impact on her life dying. YTA. Support her through it or she’ll grow to resent you.
One can still have feelings about an ex, especially when they kick it. I’d probably be sad if one of mine died, in spite of breaking up.
NAH as of yet.
You’re not the asshole for feeling that way, but what you choose to do with those feelings is what tips the scale one way or the other.
You know her best since you’ve been with her for 2 years, but unless there’s underlying issues in your relationship I think its safe to say that she might just be grieving someone she was with for so long.
It’s easier said than done but try not to take it personally. Ask her if there’s anything she wants to vent about maybe? If you can withstand it for her sake, that is.
You always mourn the good parts of a relationship. So, real death is awful. I don’t love my kids dad, but if anything happened to him or my other ex I would be sad. We still had good memories, you cared about them at some point. My ex husband’s partner was awful to him and me yet I still cried when she passed. Death is sad. I cried because she still deserves to live. I cried because her sons now don’t have a mom. Maybe she is thinking, “man, he never will get to do x, y, and z. he really wanted to do that” or “he may have been awful, but his mom was good to me. she must be heartbroken right now.” If she is someone who feels her feelings, she is going to cry. Its human. I guarantee it has nothing to do with her feeling like her chance to be with him again is gone.
NAH. You are entitled to your feelings but I think you lack an understanding of what what she’s feeling (because you haven’t asked her) so you are letting your insecurities dictate your emotions.
When my abusive alcoholic ex died I had a lot of mixed feelings. There was that finality that I’d never get an apology or acknowledgement of the harm he’d done to me. There was relief knowing I’d never see him again. There was gratitude for the fact that he couldn’t hurt anyone else ever again.
It’s complicated. Let her process her feelings and be supportive. She may very well be sad that someone she once loved lost their battle to addiction. Guilt in feeling maybe there was something she could have done (there wasn’t but she may be questioning this anyway). She may be reliving some old trauma. Or she could feel guilty if she feels glad he’s dead.
Give her the option to talk and the time to process her feelings. Death, even of someone who harmed you, can be challenging to navigate.
YTA. They were together for six years. That’s a ton of history. I don’t know if he was her daughters dad or not, but even if he wasn’t and was kinda a step dad that is six years of history – probably most of her kids life she has to explain to her kid, and death…and if he was the father her daughter just lost her dad and 50% of her parental unit…meaning of anything happens to GF then the kid is an orphan.
You say “even in high school he was a dick” that makes me think that you all knew each other for a LONG time. That’s we aren’t talking about just six years of history, but closer to 20 years of memories and youth that just got the immortal glow of youth ripped off. Every memory of every beer at every party in high school just got rained a bit as possibly leading to him becoming an alcoholic, but because everyone was young no one saw it coming.
This isn’t about you. This isn’t about your relationship. This isn’t about their relationship. This is grief, let her grieve. Grieve with her. I bet somewhere I y’all’s shared experience you can find a funny, nice, cool story to say about him.
The man she needs, not just right now, but overall, is not so fragile that he gets jealous and insecure by a dead asshole. The man she, and we all need, can understand that even jerks have some good in them, and can say “this is heavy babe, how can I support you in this moment, can I carry some it for you.”
Things you can absolutely say, “you know, I didn’t really ever like EX, but I’ll give it to him, we had the same taste is finding you. I am so sorry he hurt you, then and now, but I am beyond grateful you are with me now.”
Also it is entirely possible that there is a part of her for feeling guilty for leaving him, or for being happy she is with you. Some of women like to play “shoulda, coulda, woulda.” She might be telling herself, if I’d just stayed he would have stopped drinking, if I would of have given him another chance he might not be dead, she might be feeling guilty for all the choices she didn’t make and all the ones she did and for being happy she is with you.
Make her some hot tea, offer to watch something and cuddle the sofa. If IF IIIFFFFFFFF things get romantic THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!! She can BJ another time, this time you are 100% about her, you let her pick the energy and the speed, you just match what she is bringing to the table.
Tonight you get takeout, she isn’t cooking and yall aren’t going out to eat.
Not only is this not about you, this is 100% territory that shows her the man you are. Cream will rise to the top. You can be a perfect “when things are easy” boyfriend, but if you mess up a crisis, why would she stay?
NTA for thinking it, but definitely don’t say it out loud. She doesn’t have to be still into someone to mourn their passing. 6 years is a long time, and you don’t know what’s going on in her head. She could be blaming herself that she wasn’t able to do more about the alcoholism.
Just support her with what she’s going through. It might feel personal, but this isn’t about you.
When she gets out of the shower, just hold her if she wants it. Get her some comfort food and listen if she wants to talk. Your feelings are valid, but don’t let them consume you. Some people are just very emotional when someone in their life passes, no matter the circumstances and history.
Info: was you your Gf’s daughters dad?
If so, regardless of how shit of a parent he was, it changes the dynamic. She could be grieving not only her ex but also her child’s father and the fact that her child will grow up without the possibility of her bio dad being around
They are most likely just insecurities. Allow her to grief and be there for her. It may even brink you closer together. There is something to be said about a boyfriend that knows how to care for his sad girlfriend.
When someone dies that you were once close to, you mourn for a lot of different reasons. She may feel guilt that she didn’t stop his drinking, sadness for who she hoped he would finally become, sorrow over the bad times they had. When someone dies who you love and had a healthy relationship, it hurts but it’s a clean cut. When someone dies who hurt you or failed you, it’s more complicated and convoluted. And now she knows for sure there will never be a time when they bump into each other and can just be happy for the other person having moved on and having a good life.
He died from something wholly preventable, that also adds a layer. When I had an ex pass away I was so sad, but not like I missed him or wished we hadn’t parted ways, I was sad that I had this amazing life with a partner and kids and he was gone, it seemed unfair. Like survivors guilt almost. Just be there for her, tell her however she is feeling is ok, there’s no right way to grieve in these situations. And trust me it doesn’t mean she was hung up on him.
This is her inner co-dependant greiving for the alcoholic she could save.
Stop making it about you and your insecurities and just be supportive.
Stop making this about you it’s not. She watched this person suffer with a disease and he died ffs of course she’s upset. Has nothing to do with you bruh
Was he an alcoholic at the time of their relationship? If so I think it’s entirely possible that her grief is rooted in guilt over not being able to save a person she once cared about. Clearly it was never actually her responsibility to do that, but grief and guilt are both very complex and just because something isn’t our burden to carry doesn’t always mean we are able to convince ourselves to fully put it down. I understand why you’re confused that she would mourn someone who was so awful to her, but try and keep perspective that it is likely not about wishing he was alive so she could still have a chance to be with him again and more about knowing with absolute finality that he will never be healthy and healed of his struggles with alcohol to find peace; something that, after having had love for him at one point, I’m sure she hoped for him to find even if she was not a part of it.
I think your feelings are valid.
Yeah I mean its probably a little bit of your insecurity coming out, but if you support her and don’t act in it, then you’re fine and not an ass hole at all.
It is perfectly fine to have a feeling like that, its when you act on it that people take issue.
She’s just grieving. He was there for a big chunk of her life (if she’s around 35, then like 1/5 of her life), so its natural to feel sad about the loss. Even if its been a couple years since they dated.
I can see that this is really hard for you, and I don’t want to diminish what you’re feeling. I know that your past relationship was important to you, but I also want to be honest about how I’m feeling. I’m trying to understand and be supportive, but part of me is struggling with the idea of you still grieving for someone who wasn’t great to you. Can we talk about this together?
Losing someone you once loved, especially to something you could see coming is a really unique kind of grief. It feels strange and sad and heavy and almost unearned.
One of my exes finally lost the battle with depression a few years ago. I was, and still am, happily married to the person I loved after him. I have a memorial tattoo to him on my leg and not only is my husband ok with it, it’s one of his favourite pieces on me as it represents a piece of my heart.
Grief is an echo, a reflection of love. It’s only ever beautiful in my opinion.
NTA for feeling like you do but you would be if you let your insecurities get in the way of helping her cope. She could be processing a lot right now from feeling guilt for not doing more to save him, her daughter’s father being dead, and thoughts of her own mortality.
Yes, you’re awful. What are you, 13? Grow up. Is the the father of her kid? Even worse on you if it is. Not everything is about you princess.
She probably has some guilt related to his drinking when they were together.
YTA
It’s just your insecurities and you should just deal with those without burdening her. It’s not on her if you didn’t love your ex and wouldn’t mourn her.
This isn’t about you.
Don’t be a jealous a88hole about it. It’s because she was with him for so long and now he’s ~GONE~ like she’s NEVER going to see him again. That’s pretty heavy for ANY age.
NTA- as long as you haven’t voiced these feelings. She’s got enough on her mind.
Honestly, I’d be more concerned if she had zero emotion about his death after 6 years together. But that’s me.
Glad you are supporting her. She may be grieving what he could have been and that doesn’t mean that she is thinking about what their life could have been . She could be sad for the future he never got .
Be supportive please. I was married to my exhusband for twenty years and we raised five kids. He fell off the wagon after being sober and we divorced. I moved on and fell in love with an amazing man and remarried last year. I got the call from my daughter October of last year that her dad died. He literally drank himself to heart failure and because he had no one (drinking had left him couch surfing) figuring out burying him fell on my youngest daughter. I dropped to my knees hysterical and it broke me. Not because I didn’t love my current husband but because of the person I had once cared so deeply for threw his life away for a drink and knowing how my children would suffer as I had to call the other four and tell them he was dead. I mourned the life lost over alcohol. My husband never left my side and held me even through the funeral. It made me love him even more. There are no assholes in this situation just people trying to cope with the situation.
Cut her some slack.
The ex is part of your girlfriend’s life story. It’s important that she grieve for the guy she was once with in her own way. Maybe make a small charitable donation to a charity the family has designated.
It’s ok to have feelings, but for gods sake don’t say anything or you will be an AH. They were together for a long time, and was probably a major part of who she is now. Just because people break up, doesn’t mean all love is gone, but also doesn’t lessen the love she has for you. Also, you never mention why they broke up. If it was that she couldn’t deal with things like his drinking, which she means she got out to protect her sanity and her child’s, meaning she is feeling guilt that she didn’t do something that could have saved him, despite the fact that we all know you can’t break someone of addiction unless they want it for themself. Just support her. Allow, we all process death differently. Just because you wouldn’t care if your ex died, doesn’t mean others don’t morn loss. These are definitely your insecurities coming through.
It is probably not about him per se, it is about losing a person your age to their bad habits. As you get older, you start to lose friends to health issues but you don’t expect it at 35. She now has to confront her own mortality
My longest term girlfriend (other than my wife) was about 3 years, and we broke up 20 years ago, and I’m absolutely definitely over her, and I would be devastated if she died.
My ex of 5 years mom just passed away last week. He texted me randomly one night while I was on the couch with my boyfriend to let me know. I loved his mother so much and broke down crying. My bf asked me what was wrong and I told him and he was sooooo incredibly supportive and held me. I asked him if we would be ok w me calling my ex to talk to him and see how he is doing and he said of course. Dude when I tell you seeing that side of my bf, being sooo supportive and understanding made me love him so much more. It showed how secure and loving of a human being he is and it just made me feel so lucky to have him in my life. Please be there for your gf. 6 years is a long ass time, of course his death is going to hurt her. It doesn’t mean that she still loves him, but it is possible for her to still care for him. There isn’t anything wrong with that, she’s human. Be there for her. That is all you can do right now. Let her grieve, hold her when she needs it, she will be so grateful for you.
You’re NTAH yet but you’re teetering. It’s not about you so stop making it about you. Grief is personal and you’re simply not allowed an opinion here. Be supportive, NTAH and it’s your time to shine. If you can’t be there for her now then you simply don’t deserve her. Time to go if you can’t man the fuck up.
I have cried over the death of strangers I didn’t even know. She knew this person very well for years, she has the right to be upset. Just be supportive and keep those thoughts to yourself.
I have been with my guy for over 20 years and if my ex died, I would be so sad… not every relationship ends with hatred. If you loved your ex at one point in life and they cease to walk on earth anymore… it’s dang sad.
I just hope people keep this energy
Bro not one period? Comma? Or any punctuation of the sort? Just one long, never ending, sentence? You’re wild for that ngl
I had just happily married my husband, we’d been together for over 7 years at that point and I know he’s the only one for me. When I found out my ex died I was absolutely devastated. It wasn’t that I wanted to be with him or that I missed him as a partner but he had a rough childhood and he seemed to finally be turning things around and was clean from drugs, found a good job (we have mutual family friends and followed each other on social media) then he and his dog were hit by a car. It just breaks my heart that he won’t ever get to live the life he had finally earned and it still makes me sad to think his goofy kind heart is no longer in the world. I wrote a pretty cool memorial and was proud of it but when I read it to my husband he was like this is weird for me, which I totally understand. Plus when you date someone you often times get to know their friends and family and can be heartbroken for them too. I don’t know you or your gf but from my point of view she just sounds like an empathetic person who is sad that sometimes life takes people too soon. Also while I grieved my ex, if anything happened to my husband (knock on the internet wood lol) I would legitimately have to be committed
I was in a toxic relationship before I started seeing my now husband.
Dated the guy for a few years before I had enough and I moved on.
He was murdered.
At that point I had a daughter and had been married to my husband for over two years. My husband hugged me, looked me in the eyes, and told me it’s okay to grieve and to be sad about the death of someone you used to care about.
NTA but you could be if you make this about you. It’s not about you in the slightest.
There are men I’ve had wonderful relationships with and and loved deeply – but we just didn’t work. I absolutely sobbed when one passed away a few years ago. He was a great man, we shared a lot of wonderful memories, but we were not good together at all. I was well beyond being over the relationship and I unequivocally love my husband more than anything in the universe. But the emotions were strong.
Death is difficult. We don’t all deal with it the same way. I’ve mourned people who were awful to me because it’s still tragic that they passed away young. I mourned for their children, their spouses, and mostly – their parents.
You’re not wrong for feeling the way you do. It’s a difficult place to be in. But I’d never mention it to her. I’d recommend holding her, being understanding, and knowing this will pass.
It doesn’t mean she loves you less, it doesn’t mean she wanted him. It doesn’t mean she wasn’t over him. Emotions are strange, death is never easy to deal with.
Breathe, she chose you. She continued to choose you. You’re not awful, you’re feeling just like most people would even though there’s really nothing to worry about.
I have a friend who went through this. Nobody is an asshole. That guy was a part of her life. She still loves you🩷. My friend still falls off the face of the earth every time that month mark comes along and it’s been several years. I just keep reaching out with words of encouragement and love every few days and remind them that I’m thinking of them and am in their corner 100%. Sending comfort and encouragement to both of you.
Her crying does not automatically mean she still has feelings.
A big party of her life just ended in a horrible way- with the death of a young person
It’s tragic and upsetting and scary
If I were you, I would have worried only if she had no reaction
This reaction is normal
I just want to throw this out there for everyone I would never let my feelings disrupt me supporting her through this I loved this girl since we were little and it never worked out until now as we had both gone our own ways in life and the stars aligned and we reunited more or less wanted to see if my feelings were absurd and shes not exactly the crying type so this caught me off guard and I will continue to be supportive and caring we’re gunna go out to her favorite restaurant tonight so hopefully that will help take her mind off it even if it’s for a moment
Yea 6 years kind of trumps 2 unfortunately not saying what you guys have isn’t shir just meaning they had a bunch of good and bad together so gotta respect it to a certain extent and I would think you’d wanna be supportive to the fullest in her time of need so she knows she can fall back on you whenever. Sometimes it’s better to put the jealousy away even tho it’s hard to do sometimes. The one comment said it perfectly. Dudes gone he’s not interfering with your relationship at all so best to be the good loving boyfriend she needs
I was going to say NTA, then I read your replies here. YTA. You’re not the arbiter of her feelings. She’s not required to handle grief in the same manner you would . You do not get to define what is or isn’t acceptable for her. You can only define what is acceptable to you. So you can put your insecurities aside and support her like a loving partner should. Or you can decide that this is too much for you and leave.
This is not about you. You support her in her grief.
Op, I think your relationship is about to die, I doubt you’ll be ready for the grief. Maybe just compare it to another of your breakups and you’ll be fine.
I though i saw a tiktok clip very close to this
I’ve cried over people who were barely more acquaintances, it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s any lingering deep feelings. Sometimes a death just leads into an existential pit of despair, whether they’re someone we’re close to or even just in the same age range.
NTA
Honestly, I wouldn’t give 2 shits about this guy dying. I’m also an AH and wouldn’t be supportive of my gf if she was crying over an ex either. Not my problem and if my gf acted this way, it would be making it an issue in our relationship. I have no empathy for anyone who knows they’re harming themselves, and it actually happens.
My advice, just go about your day. She either gets over it or she doesn’t, but nothing you do will be helpful and worst case scenario, you’re gonna end up fighting alot. Just act like nothing has changed and do your thing
Idk. Personally, I’d probably have the same concerns you do. If she’s still crying next week, I’d really be questioning things
Just keep being supportive! I don’t think you have anything to worry about. I’m pretty sure it’s just grief over someone that she knew for many years of her life. You guys are alright.
Is he by chance the father of her daughter? Bcs that makes a huge difference if so.
Yes, you are the asshole in this situation.
It hurts when someone you were close with dies, even if you are no longer in touch. It’s a reminder of your own mortality and a past that is forever gone.
Be there for her, this is hard to deal with and has nothing to do with how she feels about you. But she’ll need you to lean on.
NTA for feeling in a certain way, you can’t help how you feel. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that she still has feelings for him. There are plenty of people that cry when they go to a funeral, for example, even if they barely knew the deceased. In this case, it was a person she was close to for years, so I think it’s normal.
Keep being supportive. That’s six years. Even if she’s completely over him, that was a huge chunk of her life. She’s going to feel so many things over this and it doesn’t mean she loves you any less.
Support her through it and she’ll love you so much more. If you make her feel like she can’t be safe with you, she’ll resent you.
Your feelings are valid, so are hers.
It’s been 13 years since I’ve seen my ex (and friend since middle school). He is an alcoholic drug addict, and we had a volatile relationship at times.
I’ve since had kids and remarried but I would be sad if I heard he died. I wouldn’t be surprised but I’d be upset… it doesn’t mean I want him back or that I regret any of my life choices.
It sounds like you’re going to support her through it, that’s such a sweet move. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to ask the internet.
You can still love someone and mourn them even if you needed to remove them from your life. Parting ways from someone that has a destructive addiction is a necessity to mentally survive yourself. Give her love. Give her support. She doesn’t care for you less because she still loves who this person could be but never was again. Put any ego you have in the void about it. It never was. It’s not important. She is important. How she feels about it is important. Good luck.
Give her a few days. Anything beyond that is the red flag you need to leave.
YTA
She’s mourning. It’s ok. Just be supportive by not bothering her and being around if she needs you. Be patient and present and don’t criticize or condemn or complain.
Don’t kick her while she’s down. Probably better that you save her more grief and break up. She doesn’t deserve such nonsense
NTA. Super weird that she is crying about this. Don’t be listening to all these people giving her excuses about grief affecting people differently. Clearly still has something left in her for him bro.
I hate my ex. Like, a lot. I want the rest of their life to suck royally. But even I’d probably be a little upset if they died. Chill out, dude.
6 years is a long time to spend with someone, she is certainly going to experience feelings. It has nothing to do with her still having feelings for him or negate him being a douche. Talk to her about her feelings and help her through grief. YWBTAH if you make this about you.
NTA but don’t be an asshole about it. My ex-wife died. I’m happily remarried and I grieved for my ex-wife’s. It’s a human quality, not a deficit. My wife was very supportive. You cannot let your insecurities take over at a time like this. Be there for her and you will have passed the test.
She is a woman. Her feelings always trump your feelings. Just listen to all the clowns in here. Now make sure you do everything to support her through this very difficult time of grieving some other dude. That’s what will make you a real man.
Oh FFS…. could op be a tinier petty dick. 🙄😡
Since she had a child with him, that makes it more complicated. Expect that she will take the child to his funeral. (If he was the child’s father).
Just give her some space for a bit she’s probably feeling complex emotions doesn’t mean that she wanted him back It’s a sad wasted life for him to die at 35 no matter who the person was.
YTA for not using any punctuation. Makes it impossible to read your rant
You know, your feelings are normal, but don’t take it personally. It’s not about him, it’s about grief. Six years is a long time, and even if he was a jerk, he was a huge part of her life. That doesn’t mean she wasn’t over him—it means she’s human. People grieve for what was, what could have been, or even just the wasted potential of someone they once cared about.
The best thing you can do? Be her rock. Let her cry, let her process, and don’t make it about your insecurities. If she loved him, she’d still be with him. But he’s gone, and that’s heavy, no matter what their relationship was like. Just be the guy she can lean on now, and trust that when the dust settles, she’s still choosing you.
YTA. Stop being jealous of a dead guy and support your girlfriend. He died this morning for God’s sake. Get over yourself and grow up.
Is the ex the father of her child? Perhaps, she is not grieving for herself, but for the daughter who lost a father.
My ex husband is a alcoholic. Don’t want him back. If he died though I would be upset. Yes I would cry. There was a time I loved him. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my current husband or wanted the ex in my life at all. Just be there. Some one she used to love, even if it all went to shit died. She will love you all the more for the support.
Sometimes, the mourning has nothing to do with the love they hold now but for the possibilities for the young life lost.
As many others have stated, grief is complex. Support her through what she is grieving, even if you don’t understand it.
Question: Is the ex the father of her daughter?
This doesn’t mean that she wishes she stayed with him. Maybe she’s grieving his trauma and addiction and is sad by all this pain? She cared for him, even if she was no longer together with him.
The point now isn’t what reaction of hers needs to make you comfy. You need to just quietly support. Make her some tea, pickup some of her chores today or get take out, and give her this space to be sad for a moment. YTA
This is going to sound really harsh here. He’s dead, what is she going to do? Go back to him? Right now, nothing else matters except for you being there for her.
If you do anything other than just be supportive then YTA. She loved that man for a long time and even though she’s moved on and made a life with you it doesn’t take away the time she spent loving him. Someone that was once important to her died…let her grieve. You will make your relationship a living hell if you question her feelings for you or commitment to the relationship bc she cried over his death.
I loved a man once…we were even engaged to be married and had two children together…he got into drugs, cheated, became abusive and the relationship ended and I am raising our kids. He got into a car accident 3 years after we split and he almost died and I can’t tell you how much I cried. And 7 years later he died and I cried again, and I have cried again since. I didn’t cry bc I still loved him. I cried bc my heart broke for our children, for the fact they will never know their father in any capacity, bc if it wasn’t for his family his life would have been totally different and we would’ve been raising our children together. I cried for everything I lost and for everything he lost.
Give your girlfriend the space to cry for the reasons she needs to cry and trust that she loves you and her life with you.
What you feel is totally normal but is about you, not what’s happening with her so own it. It’s shocking and spooky to have been with someone for 6 years and they disappear from existence. She’s with you now by choice. But once she loved him. Plus it brings mortality very close at a relative young age
Just support her and accept she’s sad.its not about you.
Love doesn’t just go away, she was with him for a long time. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, and it doesn’t mean she wasn’t over him, it’s just she was with him, probably encouraged him to get help and he lost that fight. Funny take this to a dark place because it could ruin your relationship, just be supportive and hold her.
>he died this morning
You don’t think it’s reasonable for her to spend this small amount of time grieving over the death of someone she had a 6 year relationship with? Of course you should be supportive and put aside these petty thoughts.
She just found out and it ain’t like he can come taker her away amirite? lol just be the nice guy who is supportive. You got nothing to worry about. NTA though
F being supportive. If the shoe was on the other foot, and your crappy ex died, and you were crying and moping around, would SHE be supportive of you? I think not. I think she’d be making it about her.
The guy died this morning. It’s understandable she’s upset. They were together for 6 years. Despite him being shitty, that doesn’t mean she isn’t allowed to mourn him.
This isn’t about him vs you. Put your feelings of insecurity aside and try to just be a supportive boyfriend. The guy is dead. It’s not like you’re in competition with him.
LORD! May a man who thinks like this never come my way….
Of course she’s sad dude, she spent 6 years of her life with this person. Loved them, hoped for the best for them, fought with them and moved on from them. When you think about it there’s nobody in the world we really know as closely as partners and ex partners so of course she’s sad.
Stop Being Insecure
Feelings And Moving On Has Nothing To Do With It…
Someone Who Was A Big Part Of Her Life Her Life Is Dead…
Have Some Compassion And Sympathy, And Be There For Her…
Not Everything Is All About You…
And Yes You Are!!!
I agree with a lot of the comments here. Grief is complicated, and relationships with addicts are extremely so.
She tried for years to help him change, but he didn’t. She finally got the courage to say enough is enough and leave. To do what was right for herself. Now, only a few years later, he has died because of his addiction.
While it may make no sense to you, She might be feeling a sense of guilt or failure. Like if she hadn’t left, if she’d kept trying, he might have gotten the help he needed and would still be alive. She may be 1000% happier with you, but still feel responsible.
35 is incredibly young to die, and death by addiction is so incredibly tragic, no matter if it was a slow lead up.
None of this means she’s not over him. It’s just saying that this is probably bringing up some complex feelings for her, and she’s going through a lot of grief right now.
are you seriously insecure about your girlfriend missing someone that died? just support her and you won’t be TA
Her grief has nothing to do with you or your relationship. Someone from our past dying is shocking and very upsetting for most people; especially when it’s through addiction (so much suffering for anyone who watches a loved one not able to recover), it’s a helpless feeling. She is human and has feelings, I’m not sure why it would mean anything more than that.
Guess what? He cant effect your relationship in person in this life. Help her out in any way so you guys can move on eventually. Sounds like thats her childs father which is sad. Might sound like a jerk, but you just lost a strong competitor apparently.
My ex of 2.5 years committed suicide 8 months into my current (almost 5 year now) relationship. It was honestly the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. You can separate from someone you once loved or cared about but it doesn’t mean you aren’t devastated when they die prematurely or in a tragic way. We had a messy breakup but we were good friends before we ever got together and his mental health was ultimately what separated us. I had always wished the best for him and for him to get better and I was heartbroken when I found out. My boyfriend gets asked if it makes him uncomfortable when I talk about him or cry when I remember him and he always says to people “he was a bit part of her life before I ever was, just because they didn’t work out doesn’t mean he deserved to die or that she didn’t wish him well. It’s perfectly normal for her to hurt that he just doesn’t exist anymore”
NAH. Just be there for her as best you can during her grieving process.
You’re not awful for having feelings. But it is coming from insecurity.
Regardless of their relationship, he is someone that was in her life for a long time. I’d cry over less. Learning of such a person’s death will be saddening for anybody. There’s probably also some guilt being internalized by her, a kind of “maybe I could have stopped that” kinda thing.
I just had an ex die two weeks ago and went to the wake today. It a really weird feeling. She’s probably experiencing guilt that she wasn’t able to help him. Grief for who he was that made her like him. Grief for who he could have been.
Just follow her lead and let her feel her feelings. This is not an indicator she wasn’t over him.
Punctuation isn’t the enemy.
You are the second fiddle she is not in your lane.
This is definitely you just being insecure about where you stand with her… she was in a relationship with somebody for six years and if they didn’t end on bad terms, even if they did, that’s still somebody she spent a major part of her life with… Just be supportive and don’t make it a big deal
NAH, but that could change depending on how you react. Remember, it’s probably not only grief she is feeling. If someone you shared a life with (and if I interpreted it right, also a child?) Is suddenly suddenly gone you feel all kinds of feelings. And an overwhelming mixture of feelings can be enough to make you cry uncontrollably.
She may be crying for a lot of reasons– grief is weird and alcoholism is a sad disease for people to have. Instead of questioning how it affects your relationship, consider how you can support her.
NTA for being confused, but remember that this isn’t about you before you turn into one.
I was gonna say NTA cuz you haven’t acted on it in anyway, but I fear even if you don’t act on it now if you continue to feel this way you WILL become the AH subconsciously acting on it by not being fully supportive and probably making unnecessary remarks. You need to decide whether your gf is worth the stress of the grief you’re about to take on and break up if not cuz if he passed this morning there’s a lot more where that comes from. 6 years is a long time. If you’ve all known each other since high school there’s even more time building up to that. For example, and my bf have been together since September but we’ve been friends since high school almost 10 years now there’s so much more history besides the relationship I watched that man grow up and become a man think about how much more things she has to think about besides the bad parts of that relationship. Give or take 20 years of memories and all of them couldn’t be bad if she was with him romantically for 6
Is her ex the father of her child? That could explain the grief if her daughter lost her father
She loved this guy at some point.
She stopped loving him.
Even then, did you expect her to celebrate his death?
6 years is a lot of history and the death of a young person is often very sad, irrespective of what type of horrid or nice person they were.
Are you having AH thoughts? Yes. Are you insecure? Yes. Jealous of a dead man she broke up with? Yes.
So if she was say weeping over her dead friend, what would your reaction be? If that’s not what it is now, yes, you’re the AH.
Remember at some point, you too will die. Perhaps someone should be sad about it. Or maybe sad just for an hour. Yes?
If not, act accordingly
Grief is complex. My grandmother cried when my grandfather died. They had been divorced and remarried to other people for over 20 years. He physically and mentally abused her and her children. Yet, she still grieved. This doesn’t mean she loved him more than you or wanted to be with him. It just means her feelings are complicated and a person she once cared for and spent years of her life with is gone. I bet she feels confused by her feelings too.
That’s your insecurity talking…she left him and got with you but that doesn’t mean the history of them was wiped.its someone she cared about so just be supportive ffs..she can’t possible leave u for him now can she?
She should get over it relatively quickly… Be supportive and hang in there. You’ve got this.
You are not awful for having those feelings but she is not awful for having hers. This is life and death and he knew her daughter so there are memories there she must process. Be kind is my only advice.
She’s crying alone in a shower because she knows or suspects you can’t or won’t understand or be the support she needs. Why and who he was doesn’t matter. Your person of two years doesn’t feel they can count on you or lean on you in a time of need. And your questions and self centered approach to the situation may explain why.
You are letting your insecurities run wild and making this all about you. I wouldn’t touch my ex again with a 10ft pole, but if I found out that his depression finally did him in and he died, especially so young, I’d be incredibly sad. Just because I care about someone I used to date doesn’t mean he’s in any way competition for a current partner.
But if I caught wind that my current partner was having the thoughts you’re having now while Im grieving the loss of someone who I used to be close with… ohhhh boy. That would make me see him in a whole new light. I would see him as a very small, insecure man. That might even be enough to trigger me looking down on him, and that would definitely dissolve any attraction I had to him and lead to the end of the relationship.
So suck it up and be there for her. How YOU show up for her in her time of need NOW is going to tell her a lot about who you are. So are you a petty, jealous, small man? Or are you the source of kindness and emotional support she needs to move through this? You decide.
People have feelings dude, just support her through this and she will love you even more my bro, it will probably be hard but just remember there is no threat to your relationship the only threat is your jealousy.
I’ve been married for 10 years – my wife and two kids are everything to me, but I’d still be sad if I found out my ex died. Doesn’t mean there are lingering feelings. It’s human. The way you’re feeling is also human, but it would be good of you to be supportive regardless.
Really ain’t that big of a deal. Somebody she knew very well died, death is scary. Not that hard to understand and be sympathetic. Homie is literally dead, it’s not like you have to compete with him lol. I heard a girl I dated in high school died and that was 10 years ago. It still shocked me. Death is scary shit
I had an ex die at 25 and I was extremely upset, we weren’t together extremely long but he was a good guy and I was aware of his more recent struggles so it was absolutely heartbreaking but it didn’t take away from the relationship I had at the time. Try to put yourself in her shoes.
Dude wtf he DIED get over yourself
Give her a little space to grieve much like how a comma or period provides.
Let her grieve. It’s okay, she’s just reliving the past for a little bit.
Jesus she’s allowed to grieve. Let her and back off
You can want the best for someone while still wanting nothing to do with them. When you know someone for that long and know their struggles it’s still sad to see them succumb to those struggles even if you had no intention of welcoming them into your life again. Struggling to see why she would be upset indicates to me that you have concerningly low levels of empathy.
Be kind to her. Someone she once loved died. That’s something to cry about. The better you treat her, the better of you’ll both be. Don’t be a jerk.
My first boyfriend died when I was with someone else. I was upset and cried and grieved his loss and it didn’t mean I hadn’t moved on or still had unresolved feelings. It was about him being a person I had once cared deeply for and he was gone. It didn’t invalidate the current relationship or have anything to do with my partner at the time as they didn’t know him. Unfortunately they were pretty shit about it and weren’t at all supportive and basically ignored the fact I was going through something and their lack of support affected our relationship as I felt I was unable to count on them when it mattered.
YTA. Just let her grieve, dude. Everyone handles it differently. You’re also the AH for not using ANY PUNCTUATION!
I found out that a guy i went to elementary school with died. We didn’t talk that much but he was my first crush. I moved away after elementary school and never heard from him again. I found out he died shortly after turning eighteen. It had been 15 years since I last saw him. I cried. He was someone I knew and had feelings for even if they were “childish” feelings.
It’s an odd thing to have known a person existed that you cared for then suddenly they’re gone.
NTA but she can’t necessarily help that she feels grief.
NTA because you recognize your own feelings. Grief is complex, especially with addicts. She may be feeling a mix of shame, guilt, grief & relief that it’s finally over.
Find someone to help you help her. That may he someone you can lean on to work out your feelings and/or someone who she can also rely on when you need to take a break.
the father of her child is dead? it’s not about you my guy. give her plenty of space for a couple weeks.
I have zero desire to get back together with any of the women I would consider an ex.
But if any of them were to die (except maybe that one) I would be devastated.
Also, I’d bet the farm on her hurting so much is partly because she’s thinking of all the times she tried to get him to stop drinking so much, and thinking “If I had only said/done XYZ, he would have stopped and he wouldn’t be dead now.”
Dude you gotta let her grieve. I have been in her shoes. The fact that she’s broken up about it has nothing to do with your relationship, I promise. If you have mixed or insecure feelings about it, that’s okay, but she is NOT the person to talk to about those feelings right now. Process those feelings with a therapist or a trusted friend instead and be there for her. Grief doesn’t just go away either, so this loss will become a part of her. You can do this. And if you do it right, she will be very grateful for your support and kindness. A ghost is not competition, by the way. You have nothing to lose by allowing her to honor his memory however she needs to in order to get on with her life. As a partner, you will be given many chances to be an integral part of someone else’s healing process. If you love that person, you let yourself grow with them and you will both treasure opportunities to support one another in different ways. Good luck and I’m sorry for your distress and for her loss. Best!
My ex boyfriend committed suicide four months ago. During the first two weeks I cried every day. I didn’t have romantic feelings for him anymore, I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 7 years, and with my ex we were together for 4. But finding out something like that is sad, because you mourn the death of someone you once loved.
The person who created a lot of memories with you. It’s also sad because in my case his family was lovely with me, and they were destroyed after this happened, of course. So I was also very sad for them.
My best advice for you would be to be there with her without judging her or being insecure about this. Eventually the life continues, but we all need some time to grieve and to close a door that will forever be closed from now on
Let her grieve bro. You can’t spend that much time with anyone and just not care. Be there for her. Tell her it will be okay, that you got her and that she can talk to you. Do not make her feel like shit for being upset about a death. What do you think is going to happen? She’s not running back to him. N she will literally probably cry over you the same way if y’all are together that long so, not seeing an issue.
NTA for feeling weird about it, especially if you’ve never dealt with partners grieving past partners before. I was in that spot once. My ex’s boyfriend literally cheated on her, and she would still cry about him. If it’s a recent death, she just needs some time to grieve; advise her to talk to a therapist.
You’re not the asshole in the sense of what you did or said to her, but you’re definitely a shitty person for thinking this is about you
It’s like… a reflection of her mortality. Tell her you are sorry she is sad and you don’t know what to say.
I wonder if she feels guilty, like, could there have been something I could’ve done, to prevent what happened.
Al-anon have resources that can help people who had friends and loved ones who drink. Chat with her about checking out those resources.
I had a boyfriend for five years, high school and college. We had so much fun but he wouldn’t grow up and I did. I’ve been married to the father of my four kids for 41 very happy years. If my ex-boyfriend died I’d be on my bed sobbing and my husband would be right there, rubbing my back and making sure I drank water and took an aspirin so I didn’t get a headache. I’m sure he’d be just as sad if his first love died. If you can’t be there for each other during the hard, uncomfortable times, what’s the use?
At least you don’t have to worry about him trying to get back with her
This happened to me in February. I found out my ex passed and it made me feel really sad for a while. Mostly because it didn’t work out because I was suicidal at the time and he was a gun owner.
I’ve been with my fiancé for 8 years, but it still hit me like a truck, and I felt like a friend of mine had passed away for two weeks. I’m back to normal now.
Give her time. She was with him for 6 years. I was only with my ex for a few months and it still deeply affected me. It’s a completely normal reaction and doesn’t mean she’s not in love with you or is in love with him or anything of the sort. It just means she’s never lived in a world where her ex didn’t exist somewhere, and she feels weird.
The fact he was an alcoholic doesn’t help matters. She might feel like she failed him or something. Or if she used to drink heavily she might have survivor’s guilt. “Why him and not me” kinda deal.
So yeah, it’s normal. Be kind and supportive and she’ll be back to normal in a little while.
You’re not being awful… but keep them to
Yourself and let her grieve the lose that just feels close to home. I doubt it’s anything to feel threatened by.
Grief is different for everyone. It is always hard to lose someone you loved to an early death, especially alcohol. It seems so senseless. Be supportive like you would want her to be for you. This really has nothing to do with your relationship imo.
Feelings are feelings. you can’t control them, and they don’t define who you are. What you do with them, however, does. I felt nothing but bitterness and anger at my mom when she died. But I got up, and gave a eulogy, and never said anything negative.
You should be supportive. Death is weird in how it affects people. You’re okay for not feeling, and she’s okay for feeling a lot.
I didn’t cry when my ex husband died, but l was in a state of shock as we were almost the same age. She probably does have some leftover feelings but l wouldn’t worry about it. Heck, l’ve cried at people’s funerals l didn’t even know. It’s sad when anyone dies, even if they’re jerks and especially before their time. Let her have her cry and move on. He’s gone, you have nothing to worry about.
6 years is a long time. I haven’t even known my wife for 6 years yet and we are approaching our 3rd wedding anniversary this May and our son is turning 2 soon. 6 years is a lot of history with someone, I don’t think you just forget about that even if they broke up.
It was someone she knew and had a history with. I think it’s understandable to have an emotional reaction to his death.
Don’t make this about you, though.
Try to put yourself in her shoes and be empathetic. Tell her you understand how this can make her upset. She’s probably crying in the shower because she’s trying to hide from you for fear of your judgement.
Maybe she wants to talk about her feelings. I think you should offer to listen.
I have a former best friend who called me the Wendy to his Peter Pan & even though I haven’t spoken to him in over 4 years, have a husband who I love dearly & am the person who ended our friendship, I would be wrecked if he died suddenly. He might not be important now, he was once Very Important.
You’re NTA for having feelings. You’re also NTA for feeling insecure. Be supportive. Grief is one of the most complex things a human can go through. Instead of assuming how she feels, try to make her feel safe enough that she comes to you with her feelings.
Was he her daughter’s father? That could add another layer to her grief.
You’re feelings and discomfort are understandable, even valid, but so is her grief. Like someone else commented, this is your time to shine. Support her in the way you know she may appreciate. Don’t lash out, even if she does. Give it some time and the intense emotions will pass. This is very fresh right now. You can move on from someone romantically and still be upset when they die platonically. Every chance of this person improving and reaching true happiness is now gone and that’s sad for someone who cared for the person for 6 years. Just give it time. If she’s unable to function for a couple of weeks I’d be worried, otherwise, just let her go through it and support her as best you can.
She’s allowed to grieve someone she loved. If you make her feel bad about that you are definitely the AH. Be supportive and let her grieve.
This is normal grief. It would be an AH move to take any of this personally. It’s separate to you.
I mean it’s not like hes a threat to your relationship anymore? 😅 Seriously though, even an ex can be someone people shared a lot of time and good memories with and therefore still care about their well being. It would be tough for someone to loose that person.
My ex was an absolute monster, so much so that I still have PTSD but even then I’d still grieve. Not because I still have feelings for them, but because we spent years together and shared memories. Just be there for her and don’t let your insecurities jeopardize your relationship.
YTA if you verbalize these feelings to her. Grief is weird, not always logical, and different for each person. People can feel deep grief for abusive partners and family members. It’s someone who they’ve spent a considerable time with good or bad. It’s not a sign that they don’t value their relationship with you or aren’t over their ex. These feelings of grief can just be complicated.
You have the opportunity here to step up for your girlfriend and be the rock and comfort in this moment. Put your dislike for the guy aside, he’s dead and isn’t competition.
Just try to be supportive because if you guilt her for it you may as well break up. The good news is that the drunkard is dead, so it’s not like she can run back to him
It’s probably tough for her cause she probably left him because of the drinking, she’s probably thinking if she stayed he qould have got better. He wouldn’t have and it’s going to take her some time to realize that.
Just be supportive of her. I am 50 years old and a girl I dated in 8th grade passed away after a long fight on her part. It was upsetting especially at the viewing when I saw her family.
It doesn’t mean she loved him more than you. It’s just a part of her life is gone
NTA. So I understand, did they have a child together? There could also be the fact that her daughter will never get a chance to grow old with her father? Aside from that, grief is def complicated. We watched our grandfather grieve his mistress when she passed away and my gma supported him. He had an affair when they were first married and he stopped but some how or another 40 something yrs later he found out she passed away and was sad for weeks…but my gma loved him til the day he died. I guessssss you just have to let them get thru it and just be supportive. I’m sorry you are in this situation but time will heal and time will tell. In the meantime continue to be supportive.
If you make this about you or your insecurities in any way you would become TA. A man died.
NTA. Just do the following:
I had a friend pass from an aggressive cancer within 3-4 months of diagnosis. Friends in HS, and obviously drifted apart, in the 15+ years since. We’d meet up like twice a year, mostly by coincidence, sometimes with common friends. But in the last year or so before she was diagnosed, we caught up more when I drove down to see my mum. I live 2 hr away, and she worked not far from mum’s house. Anyway, she told me she was finally quitting her job that she worked at since she was 19, and she &her partner were moving more rurally, about 5-6hours away. Had a going away/birthday party for her, but within a month, she was diagnosed.
I was really sad for her obviously when we initially got the news, but then I got almost’ irrationally’ upset. Her partner kept calling me everyday with updates, (because he hated every other friend of hers, which was so weird, and part of why distanced from her years ago). I was then in charge of calling & getting in contact with everyone letting them know + then informing them of her funeral info.
Even though I thought I wasn’t close to her, I was crying hours every day for 3+ months. Even friends close to both of us couldn’t understand why I was so depressed about it.
YTA BIG TIME! 6 years is a long time to be with someone and it’s such a sad way for someone to die. Especially young. She obviously cared enough about you to choose you over him. I also suspect you need to talk to a therapist about these feelings because you already have the propensity for jealousy.