I’m 22M and I’ve been dating my girlfriend (23F) for just over a year. She’s from a Muslim family who’s fairly religious and traditional, and I’m a practicing Catholic. The thing is, her family doesn’t know we’re together, and they wouldn’t accept it if they did. She’s not religious at all herself, but her family is very strict about who she marries, it has to be a Muslim. We’re really serious about each other. We’ve talked about the future: marriage, kids, living together. She’s the first person I’ve truly loved. But we both know that when the time comes, if I show up as a non-Muslim, I’m getting rejected instantly. Not even a discussion. We’ve been talking about it more lately, and basically… if we want to be together, I’d have to lie. Pretend I’m Muslim. Maybe say I converted quietly. Maybe learn some basic stuff and avoid saying anything that gives me away. If I do that, they’ll probably accept me, but I’ll have to keep that act up forever. She says she’s fine with me not actually believing, but her family can’t know that. I’d basically have to play a role forever just to be with the girl I love. And honestly? I don’t care about lying if it gets me the life I want with her. I just feel weird about it. Like I’m betraying my own identity. But losing her would destroy me. I don’t think I’d recover from it and I know she wouldn’t either. So yeah. It’s messed up. But it’s the situation I’m in. What i need advice on:
- Is it wrong to lie about being Muslim just to marry her?
- If I do lie, how can I pull it off realistically? What do I need to know/do?
- Has anyone here done this? Did it work? Did it destroy you inside? I know some people will say “just break up” but I genuinely feel like I’ve met my person. I don’t want to lose her because of religion or cultural expectations. Would love to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar situation or has advice. Thanks.
TL;DR:
I’m a 22M Catholic dating a 23F from a very religious Muslim family who doesn’t know about us and wouldn’t accept me because I’m not Muslim. She’s not religious but her family demands a Muslim spouse. We’re serious and want a future together, but to be accepted, I’d have to pretend to be Muslim—possibly even fake a conversion—and keep up that lie forever. I’m willing to do it for her, but it feels like betraying my identity. Losing her would destroy me, so I’m stuck between love and living a lie.
Comments
She grows a backbone and stands up to her family, or y’all break up. Seriously this is a no-brainer.
A Muslim woman is not permitted to marry a non-Muslim man unless he sincerely accepts Islam. This isn’t a minor detail it’s a fundamental part of Islamic law. If her family is religious and values this principle, then hiding the truth from them or proceeding without proper conversion isn’t just deceptive it places the entire marriage on shaky ground from both a moral and religious perspective.
Such a union, without the necessary conditions being met, would not be recognized as valid in Islam. Any intimacy in that case would be considered zina (fornication), and the children born from it would not be considered legitimate in the eyes of Islamic law. That has serious spiritual, emotional, and communal implications not just for her, but for you and your future children.
Please take this seriously. This isn’t just about love or approval it’s about upholding values that matter deeply to her faith and family. I strongly urge you to have an honest conversation with her and reflect sincerely on what the right path forward is.
First question I have is if you’ve read the Quran yet? If you’re serious about her, that would be a great place to start, if not just to understand her religion even if you don’t “convert”.
How do you planning on pretending dork
You’ve got to be aware that the lie will get more and more awkward over time, and there’s a fair chance you’ll end up actually converting to keep the peace.
Um… her family is demanding a Muslim spouse and she is demanding someone lie. Thats what is going on here.
If she really loved you, she would say F my family. She would drop it all and go off with you and not ask you to lie for the rest of your life.
She loves her family. Not necessarily you, but the idea of you.
PS: family friend (a catholic guy) married a muslim woman recently, but her family liked him a lot after meeting him and was like, oh alright. The only way this would work is if her family accepted you as a non-muslim or you decided to convert, BUT imho you shouldn’t convert if you aren’t religious, that is wrong.
No. All lies come out eventually. It will be worse at that point.
If you guys are serious about being together, she either needs to disregard what her parents want and live life in a way that will allow you guys to marry just as is, or you’ll have to convert.
If her parents would disown her for marrying you as a non-muslim, they would disown her the same if you lied and they found out. So..if she isn’t willing to disregard their wishes and you aren’t willing to convert, you’re best off breaking it off.
She needs to grow a backbone and stand up to her parents because if she doesn’t it will be a lifetime of lying and people pleasing.
I was raised Catholic and am now non-religious. Same with my husband and we’ve both had to break our parents hearts with that news years ago but in the end it is better because there is no pretending and freedom to be ourselves.
There’s a third option of staying in love but not living a lie but depends if you two are brave enough to go there. If not, good luck pretending.
I was in love with someone from another religion at your age. So I get it. We ended up getting married so really I have lived these dilemmas.
There is no way you can lie about this. To be very frank with you, it’s very innocent of you two to think you can lie and get away with it. Being Muslim involves a lot of cultural practices, religious knowledge, etiquette… just like a whole lot of things that you can’t fake.
Being discovered to be a liar definitely won’t impress them.
Look it’s not romantic but I would say avoid this. As much as you love her, love has to be incredibly strong to withstand these kinds of circumstances. Life is not a romantic movie.
That said, if you do go for it, are you willing to convert? You need to decide and be honest with yourself first and foremost and then with them.
In my experience, the thing that made the most difference was when we got married and really made the commitment — the parents kind of surrendered their objections because it was done. After that, the biggest change came when we had kids because no one can resist adorable babies. Also we were both incredibly polite, warm, patient, and assertive for YEARS and it really sucked!!! Good luck!
You break up. Religious differences have no place in a relationship. It’ll never work.
Either someone converts to the others’ faith or you break up.
This’ll never work. Move on man.
The answer to number 1 is yes, and 2 and 3 don’t matter.
Nothing about this is going to work unless she’s willing to be disowned. Nothing against you personally, but most people are not willing to be disowned and excommunicated from their culture for a college relationship.
Even if you did somehow manage to convince them that you’re actually a practicing Muslim, it wouldn’t stop there. They would expect you to go to mosque every week, have a traditional wedding, and raise your kids in the faith as well. And it only takes one person from your practicing catholic family to blow the whole lie up.
So just stop here. If you go into a relationship with a lie, it’s going to be a lie.
You’re not going to be able to keep up a lie like that forever. It’s insane to even consider it.
She either tells her family and they have to live with it or you break up. Those are the only options.
Wait, you’re practicing Catholic? So, pretending to be Muslim (when not under duress) would be pretty damanging to your professed faith. At the very least you’re “simply” lying for benefit for many years. To “convert” you’d have to reject Jesus and the Holy Spirit out loud, most likely in front of witnesses, which would be blasphemy even if you don’t mean it. You’d have to figure out how to sneak out for Mass on Sundays unless your plan is to stop going to Mass, which will also be no bueno from a Catholic point of view.