Hi ladies,
The question is pretty much in the title.
I’m in my late 20s, my friends are getting married or intentionally single and I feel stuck in the middle. I’ve got solid finances, interesting career perspectives but the one thing I want – a meaningful relationship -, I don’t have although I’ve searched for a while. I feel 100% ready to commit to a good person but there is nobody interesting around me. My brain knows that the way through this phase is gratitude and faith, and that magical things happen in the in between, but my heart is not convinced yet.
So I’m turning to you for inspiration: to those of you who’ve been single longer than you wished and found love later, looking back, what constructive meaning can you assign to your single era? Did you learn something that was useful for your marriage? Did you achieve a personal goal that would have been more difficult if you’d been in a relationship? Maybe you were ready but your partner wasn’t ready to meet you yet?
Thank you!
Comments
I turned 40 in November and met my partner a month later. I was single for almost the entirety of my 30’s (2016- the end of 2024) and I struggled with this a lot. I think it’s hard to find meaning sometimes while we’re IN something – like being single, especially if we’re looking and ready for a partner.
My partner wasn’t ready to meet me until we met. We talk about how we’ve waited our whole lives to meet each other, but we also know we were different people than who we are now. He was married until five years ago, and he spent a lot of time on himself after his divorce.
This might seem like a generic answer, but I honestly think that being single in my 30’s allowed me the time to really get to know myself and to grow as a person. I was able to try out different hobbies until I found ones that really clicked with me (for about ten months I was in a roller derby league! I ended up sticking with dance – jazz and hip hop – which is something I had done all throughout middle and high school. I also started to explore art a few years ago and it opened up a lot of different interests for me as well.
I feel stronger as a person now, mentally and emotionally, that I spent so much time with myself. I only see my partner on weekends mostly right now because of location, his kids and our schedules, but that’s okay because we both have our own things and it’s enabled us to not move too fast or get lost in each other.
I think being single in your 30s makes it easier to really be yourself and know and discover what you want. I’ve seen a few friends and family members get divorced, and often it was because they had grown into different people. I grew apart from a friend group that I thought were some of my best friends for a while, and I think that’s very similar. Who I am now isn’t the person I’d be if I was married or had kids right now. Though I guess anyone could say that about anything they do.
Good luck! I’m looking forward to reading some responses here 🙂
I know everyone hates “work on yourself!” but every time I’ve been in a similar slump, shortly after I start really feeling good about my fitness or my career, someone great walks into my life.
Use the time to get really solid in your career, your health, money management, personal style etc. Something about the energy of an internally thriving person brings people in to you.
It’s important to do this outside the house btw. Go to a gym instead of home workouts, work from anywhere but home, go to events where you might find like-minded people. For me that’s fitness classes and personal finance/investing events, working at restaurant bars mid-day, etc
None of this was about meeting people, for me. It was about thriving in these areas that I wanted to be solid in. It turns out the types of partners were doing the same thing, too
I was single for 11 years. I’m now in a newish (5 months) relationship with someone I have deep feelings for and am definitely falling in love with, though not ready to say it to them yet. We are dating with intention and I hope that it develops to marriage eventually.
Constructive meaning? Idk what you mean by this. It was years wasted not experiencing relationships. I did a lot of other stuff which was great. None of it would have been hindered by a relationship.Â
I think the whole “it will find you” or whatever, is bullshit. You actually have to do something, anything, to get into a relationship. Despite going out solo a lot of those 11 years, I was never approached – not once. Not at the bar alone, not when I go to concerts alone, not on the street. Never. But I also don’t approach, I’m shy, awkward, and introverted. To get a date, I had to turn to apps. I had to DO something. Otherwise, I’d probably be single for the rest of my life.Â
I was single from 24 to 31. In that time, I moved across the country for graduate school, my addiction spiraled out of control, I got my PhD, I then became homeless because I couldn’t get job (pro tip: don’t show up to interviews drunk), and then finally found recovery did a lot of work on myself. I was then finally in a place to start a relationship with the man who was there through all of it and led me to recovery (he was three years ahead of me).
The most important part was I was able to do work on myself for me and me alone. I gained enough self esteem to be a true partner and have the communication skills to navigate life with someone else. And I learned I was very much okay being with myself rather than any number of wrong people. Having a supportive partner is great, but so is having a network of friends, family, and professionals to help keep me alive and peaceful. I learned it’s okay to say “I don’t know” and ask for help. I no longer believe I need to walk through life alone and that independence does not mean only doing what I want when I want. I learned how to do the right thing for the right reasons and I truly believe the time I spent going through all of that made me a person able to practice goodwill in all aspects of my relationships.
That’s a bit of a ramble, and I don’t know if any of it helps, but that’s what seven years of being single did for me!
I spent most of my twenties in very toxic, unhealthy relationships back to back. One in particular almost killed me & I stayed single, didn’t go on a single date, for four years before I met my husband. I realised that my relationships almost destroyed me and being single could not be any worse than that. Those years were the some of the best of my life and even being happily married now, I think about my single life often and how much it changed me. In that season, I poured into myself. I fell in love with living a healthy lifestyle, I built beautiful friendships, learnt how to cook, did all the hobbies and fun things I wanted to do & discovered how much joy there was in creating a life that felt good without needing a relationship. I worked on myself mentally, invested in EMDR therapy and really tried to learn who I truly was, not all the trauma that had happened to me.
That time was a gift. It gave me space to heal, to grow, and to truly understand my worth. I honestly believe that if I hadn’t decentered men and spent that extended period of time single, I would have ended up in another, potentially very bad situation. When I finally met my husband, I was in such a different place, I wasn’t looking for someone to fix me or fill a void, I was ready to choose a healthy, equal relationship. I don’t think I could have appreciated or even seen that without the time I spent single.
When you are single you are:
Free, move where you want, do what you want, when you want
Open to the world and new experiences in a way that you just aren’t when you settle down into a marriage, there is a part of that that is uncomfortable but there is also a real magical part that I look back but embrace that and just go at the everything you are curious about
You have time and space to work on yourself for real, heal your stuff, get to you know yourself, so when you get into a relationship it is the right one
I met my husband at 37, married after 40 and legitimately feel so grateful it all happened “later” for me. I had a lot of life to live before that
There is a power in being single. When you’re truly OK being single, no one has power over you. You don’t need that approval from someone else. People are in your life because you want them there and they are positively adding to your life.
The moment you feel at home with yourself, no one can manipulate you, sway you, or break you in any way.
When you stop fearing your own presence, you are no longer chasing things that steal your peace. It’s a whole level above “independence”.Â
It doesn’t mean you don’t want or can’t have relationships.. it means you will have them as long as they are bringing happiness to your life… and when that other person starts negatively impacting you, it’s so much easier to walk away because you know what real peace is.Â
I’m still single and I’m not sorry about it. Singleness has taught me that I’m worth more than just my marital or romantic status, for starters. I learned things for my sake, not for what I could bring to a marriage. Dating/being coupled would probably have made for one lonely partner while I was getting my bonus degree, and then writing my novel. I can dress for me, wear my hair at whatever length pleases me, hang out with whoever I like… it’s liberating.
I spent all of my 20s and the first half of my 30s in abusive relationships. Singlehood is freedom, time, space, peace, and safety. Singlehood is you and your decisions. Singlehood is total mental clarity to think about and do things that you want that AREN’T focused on finding a partner. If there is “no one interesting around you”, singlehood is your chance to figure out how to be the most interesting one in the room, or seek new rooms.
My solution at your age was to jump at the first serious relationship I could. I was married at 21 to a good person who wasn’t right for me. We made 3 kids and a lot of wonderful memories, but we were very young and very immature. My next relationship was someone quite toxic. My last relationship was lovely, but we didn’t want the same things.
Now, approaching 60 I am choosing singlehood for the first time in my life. I’m 18 months single and celibate, and I plan to stay that way for a full 2 years, if not longer. I consider it a GIFT to myself. I have my own home, great friends and a fulfilling life.
The only advice I can offer you is to make peace with your singlehood and make it spectacular. Because, when you’re doing that, you’ll be the most magnetic and alluring, and you’ll have a better chance to attract someone who is right for you.
Just like they say you shouldn’t go grocery shopping when you’re hungry because you’ll make a lot of bad choices, you shouldn’t be searching for your life partner when you’re “hungry.” If you do, you could end up making a poor choice because you’re in a rush. Find satisfaction in your single life and you’ll be patient enough to wait for the right one.
I learned that I’d be so happy with or without a romantic relationship. I was so happy any so fulfilled with my life, work, and other relationships I thought being in a relationship would actually ruin everything.
I think you answered your own question a bit – you want to meet someone, you’re open to it, but haven’t met anyone interesting yet. That’s the meaning. That you know yourself and respect yourself enough to stay single until you meet someone interesting! Just don’t settle out of frustration or boredom – keep your own life interesting so that you’ll know it when you see it in someone else.
I was single for most of my life for a few reasons. 1. I didn’t know what I wanted, but I knew what I didn’t want. I didn’t want the life the women in my family had. They wore themselves out taking care of men and children. They never had big adventures.
2. I attracted all the wrong men and my self esteem was very low. I also drank alcohol and it did me no favors.
3. I wasn’t brave enough. Every time someone hurt me I retreated.
I accomplished so much in spite of all of the hardships. I had many, many hardships. But I did all the things the women in my family never were able to do. Things I never would have done had I been in a relationship. I still feel empowered thinking about it. I bought a house by myself, I drove my dream car, I took big vacations. I took on a position at work that involved traveling alone. It did wonders for my confidence I went all-in on my non-romantic relationships. I really thrived the last half of my 30s.
And then I found my partner at 40 in my lifelong friend group. We were never close. He got married and had children and then divorced. We’re finding our way slowly. Part of carving out such an independent life is that I can’t easily blend into someone else’s. There’s no rush when you’re in your 40s. All that time being single made it easy to say “this is what I want, are you in?” And he said yes. He is so opposite of what I thought my future partner would be like. Comically different. Sometimes I don’t know how we fit, but we do.
It will always sting that I didn’t get married and have kids. But life is all a gamble. Chances are I would have picked the wrong one. But when I look at my life I didn’t do TWO things. I did so much more. So focus on the more while you look for the right partner. And wait until you have no doubts. Look for a man you like, not just one that likes you. Choose the man that will cheer on your success because that’s the greatest indicator in 2025 if a man is a good person. Find the man that doesn’t ask you to dim your light so his shines brighter. And for God’s sake pick the guy that will change a damn diaper wash his own underwear.
good question – being single is not easy on many levels
I was single for two years in my mid to late 20s and it was one of the best things ever.
I had time for self exploration, I was very rigorous with who I allowed more than one date with me, and I rejected men that groped me, pushed me for sex, or that tried to force a connection when I wasn’t attracted to them.
Lo and behold, my two years of singlehood paid off because the man that I met after those two years, turned out to be my soulmate and we’re getting married soon.
What you will find also is that even these friends that you may be envious of that are currently getting married, plenty of them will be divorced by the time you actually enter a relationship with Mr. Right.
I was on social media recently, and a woman that I went to school with who I remember seeing photos of her beautiful Hawaii Wedding, a couple of years back with her very rich husband and like a 3 carat diamond on her hand, designer, wedding dress, honeymoon to India, etc., all her recent photos she is not wearing a ring and when I look back at her history, it does not show any photos of her now ex-husband
She is the second or third person in their 30s that is divorced that I have seen on social media
People show parts of the relationship that they want you to see on social media, not all of these people that are now getting engaged and married will stay that way
Freedom and growth. It’s a season where I get to focus on myself, discover who I am, and build a life that feels fulfilling on my own. I have the space to explore, learn, and enjoy life without the stress of constantly trying to meet someone else’s expectations. It’s a time to embrace independence, find joy in my own company, and create a strong foundation for the future.