I think I can say that my mother and I have a bad relationship now. Everything was “fine” as long as I did what she wanted — frequent visits, at her place, with my kids. I often felt “obligated,” but I saw it as a compromise: she loves us, she wants to see us often, and it makes her happy. She is a loving grandmother, just too much present and invasive for me.
Then last fall, I had to set an important boundary: I told her I wouldn’t go to her house anymore because I didn’t want my kids to be around my sibling, due to several red flags and the fact that I have no relationship with him. I thought it was a reasonable boundary, but she exploded— openly sad, anger under the surface. I was destroying her dream of a perfect, united family. There were conversations to try to make me “reasonable,” some passive-aggressive comments, and a lot of subtle manipulation. Some gaslighting.
Then my sibling left after less than a year, and she expected everything to go back to “normal”. But I had seen the toxic dynamic — how she expected me to erase myself, ignore my instincts, so she could get what she wanted. No thanks for me, I’m done with this. The situation with my sibling just showed me x100 our usual dynamic and the lack or respect.
We talked about it 3 times through the year. Each time strained more our relation as she’s completely unable to see my point of view. From her point of view, I should just get over it and they, too, were “hurt”and angry by the fact that I didn’t come see them (even though they could still visit me) and they got over it now. I should erase it all and go back to normal.
Now she wants to see my kids few times per week and asks to take them alone if I don’t want to see her. She usually prefers without me. She’s been overwhelming me with requests, and she’s made it clear — in an emotionally harsh way — that she’s very unhappy only seeing them once a week. Once a week was already a big compromise for me after the lack of respect of my parental judgement of this fall, so this was very violent to hear, and from now on it will be less.
After our last conversation (an argument), I haven’t contacted her again. I’m worried, because she’s mentioned grandparents’ rights. Like, in a cold, terrifying voice. I don’t know whether I should go no contact for a few weeks or months, or push myself to allow one visit per month with me just to avoid potential legal problems and maybe awkward situations (we live in the same city).
I really don’t want to see her for the moment— at all.
I’m struggling with “should I write something to be very clear about my boundaries” before to see her again, or is it better to just stay strong, firm in my position and never talk about it anymore. I’ve already spoken to her clearly, but afterward, I always doubt — was I clear enough? Did she really understand? If we try again, it’s would be the last LC try before going NC. LC once a week with yellow rock has been going on since fall, now it will be less, I can’t give this anymore. My new frequency is “what I can give without being overwhelmed by the anxiety to see her”.
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mention of grandparents rights = no contact
you know who she is. trust yourself. stop second guessing and giving her chance after chance.
choose to protect your kids if you can’t make the choice to protect yourself.
She pressed the nuclear war button mentioning grandparents rights. She is threatening to bring the courts in and try and legally take your children from you even if that ended up being 1 day a month, likely unsupervised. No more contact unless she wants to speak through attorneys because now anything can be used against you if she decided to file. Absolutely no visits anymore. Honestly I think you’re under reacting because this should have filled you with rage making you not want to speak to her anymore. This is the same as her threatening CPS.
When nothing is good enough, nothing it is.
However, I think I can see you are worried she will escalate in one way or another because you dont cave like she wants. It can help to look at it realistically; what is she most likely to do, and how can you prevent that from being a big issue? You may want to check the grandparent’s rights in your area, and have a consultation with a lawyer who can tell you what is the smartest move. Will she go on a smear campaign? You can find mantras such as “are you willing to make a statement of that, I’d really like to document slander” or “yeah she’s mad she isnt getting everything her way and reacting badly to no. It’s unfortunate.” Will she contact you constantly trying to wear you down? You can put her number on silent and structure the contact, where you only respond at set times that work for you.
You think you are not communicating with her, and that is correct – but it isnt because you are using the wrong words or not the right media. It is because she isnt listening. And that isnt something something you can change, only she can.
When people dont listen, use fewer words, not more. Tell her “no, that doesnt work for us.” If she dont listen, tell her “that doesnt work for us.” If she dont listen, tell her “no, and stop asking.” If she still dont listen, tell her “no.” Then put her on silent/remove yourself and use NO words to show her that your decision is not up for debate.
I guarantee you were clear. She “heard” you, but she wasn’t listening because she doesn’t agree with you. She will try to continue along in her alternate universe and vehemently reject anything/anyone that challenges that.
I know it can be hard to internalize, but her reactions to your boundaries have no relation to how reasonable they are. If it conflicts with what she wants, she will react badly.
I don’t think you or your kids should sacrifice your mental health to pacify her. Because I doubt you will ever be able to.
I personally wouldn’t stay in contact with anyone who threatened me and have cut someone off over a similar situation. That was the last straw for me before NC because I realized I could never trust them again. They were willing to lie and destroy people’s lives to get what they want.
Stay firm and do what’s best for you and your kids.
If you go LC/NC, remember it’s up to you to stay LC/NC. She won’t respect it. If she respected your feelings, you wouldn’t be thinking about cutting her off.
The second someone mentions gpr the only answer is no contact. Any contact you give her will only strengthen her case against you. That’s what I was told by several lawyers when my father threatened the same thing.
DO NOT write anything to her. It will only be used against you. She understands the boundaries, she doesn’t care. The boundaries are for your behavior when she breaks your rules. Boundaries are under your control because they are what you will or won’t do.
Weekly visits with someone who’s disrespectful is far too often. If the person doesn’t have a respectful relationship with you, they don’t get to see or know your children. Once someone mentions legal actions like “grandparents’ rights (GP)”, all communication should then happen between the lawyers. GP isn’t a thing every where but you should check out your state to see how it’s handled. It’s usually granted only in very particular circumstances and since it’s your mother, it’s highly unlikely that she’d prevail. I am not a lawyer; I’ve never played one on TV and I did not stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
Write or type what you feel that you need to say. I call this rage typing. When you’ve got it all out, set it aside. When you feel the need, edit and add to it, set it aside. Do this until you feel that you have it all out. Then delete it or burn the paper. This is called a burn letter. It can be quite therapeutic. It should never be sent or fall into the other person’s hands. It will just be ammo used against you.
If you want to try to rebuild your relationship with her, do it without the children. You’ll likely quickly see that she’s not interested in you, just your kids. That’s dangerous.
Google and read Harpy’s Child. It may rock your world. It did mine. If it hits as accurate, you’ll have some resources for how to proceed.
Not sure of the ages of your children. People like your mother love children as they are trusting and loving. Your mother’s type usually turn on children when they get to be around 7 or 8 which is when they start realizing that words and actions don’t match and they understand lies.
Figure out where you stand legally, and go from there.
Definitely no more unsupervised time.
NC if she doesn’t have a case, slow fade otherwise with lots of communicating that it’s about her wanting your kids around an unsafe person (and make it clear you don’t trust them in her care by never ever ever using her as a babysitter again).