I 28F broke off my engagement a few months ago. My coworkers have been really supportive and put together a girls night for me to try to get my mind off of things. Except I never realized how socially awkward I really am until we went out and I had nothing to say. They’d all be laughing together, and the moment I’d say something, everyone would just stare in silence. I didn’t have the fun energy the other girls carried with them. I’ve always been a little odd, but man, I’ve never felt so alone. Never have I felt to be so boring.
Not really sure where I’m going with this post. I just feel sad.
Comments
You’re grieving a loss. Even if it’s the right thing for you, it’s still a loss.
Be patient with yourself.
I am sorry, most people don’t know what to say to someone who is griefing. Of course you are still riding waves of sadness. If you didn’t verbalize it, they could have checked in. And when you did, they could have said something consoling. A small gesture would have gone a long way.
They meant well but just didn’t know how.
I so get it, been there. But hey, here’s a little secret: you’re awesome sauce just as you are.
I’m a male who’s gone through a significantly detrimental event with my ex I’m unsure why this was suggested for me.
I really think you should talk to someone, what you described is totally normal and you are being really unfair on your self. You obviously have the ability to self reflect and high emotional intelligence. Trying to have a positive experience is always a negative experience. But when you see you are in a negative experience it always leads to a positive one. Look after yourself friend.
I hope you’re able to be sweet to yourself & find connection with folks in ways that are fun & comfy for you.
I don’t like going out with groups unless there’s dancing, karaoke, crafting, or games to play because I feel most comfortable with conversations when they come up in these situations vs sitting around looking at eachother. I even carry card games in my bag just in case.
Girl, I have been there. Grief is a tricky thing and you are grieving. I had a significant death in my family in early 2023 that was really exhausting and traumatic. That summer (5 ish months later), I went on a vacation with my family (different side) that I had been looking forward to for months. During that week I could not for the life of me have a decent conversation with anyone – people I have known and loved my whole life. I would try to participate in conversations and activities but every effort I made seemed to fall flat and I was terribly self conscious the entire time. I felt so out of place and disjointed it was painful. And I’m someone who thinks of themselves as odd as well, but this was a level above normal for me.
I talked about it with my therapist for multiple visits and eventually concluded that it was an anxiety response combined with extended isolation due to working from home since COVID which had impacted my social skills. I continued with therapy and treatment for anxiety for another year after this.
Then this summer I went on vacation with the same group as 2 years ago and it was totally different! I felt like myself again, was making jokes and getting laughs, fully participated the whole week and felt great.
All this to say that you are not broken. This is temporary and as you move through your grief, things will get better. You will be able to have conversations with friends again and enjoy the moment. Right now it’s really hard, but with time it will pass. You got this and I’m rooting for you!
Just because this is your energy right now, doesnt mean it is your energy forever. You are grieving. You are not boring. You are preoccupied. You would not be your authentic self if you were the life of the party right now.
This has happened to me recently just from dealing with shitty life events. Went to a party i would normally be loud and funny and sociable. Surrounded by like minded people. I couldn’t participate in conversation much. I felt like anything i did say just fell flat. I felt so lonely. It felt like I was going to be stuck like this forever.
I wasnt. Im not. I am myself again. And you will be too. Learning to be gentle with myself helped me get there. It’s okay to not be okay.
I’ve totally been there. Would highly recommend NOT jumping into the next relationship that you run into.
Work on yourself, keep your house clean, create a routine, find a hobby. The pain will pass, but it takes time, especially if you have a nervous attachment style.
It’s going to be an odd time for anywhere from a few hours to a few months- take time for yourself to heal. They probably understand. You mentioned they’re coworkers- maybe sending a little note would be good?
I get it. Firstly, as others have said – be kind to yourself, hurting sucks, and I learned last year and you can be hurting not even feel it. Some pain lives in the quiet places without having the decency to announce itself.
Secondly, if you’re looking for solutions, you want to see people but not feeling just ‘vibing’, would an activity suit you? I find that if there’s something to do that isn’t just talking it can take some of the pressure off me to socially perform and I can make banter around what we’re doing.
It does get better.
Grief is terrible. I lost my baby sister cousin sweet Elizabeth summer 2004 to metastatic BC, forever 49 andI still miss her terribly but it lessens over time.
My spouse and I have been together known each other almost 56 years, I have no idea but tear up at the thoughts so go hug
there are a lot of good comments pertaining to grief, so i am going to address another aspect here. i went through something similar in the past, not an engagement but a 10 year long relationship that ended in a very drawn out on-and-off way, and when i was finally alone and spending time with friends as a single person, “going out” whatever that might entail with old friends and new, i realized i had insulated myself socially a lot with my ex-partner. we were in a serious, committed, long term relationship and lived together so naturally we spent a lot of time together and were best friends as well.
this is all to say that i had to get my social sea legs back. i felt rigid and awkward around others because none of those friendships were as close as the main friendship/relationship in my life that i was used to. you will grow into your own as an individual rather than being one half of a partnered entity and your preferred means of socializing + friendships you have will grow as well along the way. there will be an adjustment period where you will feel alone like this but i promise it won’t last forever. good on you for getting out there but also take what time you need to yourself. you will be okay and it will get better ❤️
Everyone’s covered the main bases in these comments but something most people never consider is that socializing/conversating with others actually takes practice. It’s a learned skill. If you go out with these women more, it’ll get easier every time and you’ll gain social confidence every time too!
When you’re in a relationship, you don’t rely on your friends as much as you do when you’re single. so when the relationship ends, you have to not only grieve that relationship but figure out what you want/need out of a friend group for the stage of your life that you’re in.
I got divorced about 7 years ago and if you’d asked me back when I was married if I had a lot of friends I’d be like “Yeah, I have a ton” but they were tertiary or activity friends and when the dust settled from the divorce and I attempted to hang out with them, I felt that weird energy.
I went out with friends from high school and they were all married and quite wealthy and I was so damn bored the whole night. They were talking about vacations and expensive clubs they were a part of and their problems were like “My decorator is ghosting me!” and I felt awkward and poor and weird.
My work friends were great for lunches and chatting but when we went out – I was older than most of them and i felt kind of weird and at a different stage of life.
It took me a while but I did finally find a few friends that understand who I am now at this stage in my life and gel with me and we have a great time when we hang out.
If you feel weird with the group you’re in, find a new group! The end of a relationship is a great time to try the things you enjoy and couldn’t do when you were attached. It will take a while but you’ll find your tribe.
Hey OP, I actually went through the exact same thing a year and a half ago. Was 28 and ended an engagement. Since I lost most of our mutual friends during this process, I ended up leaning a bit heavier than I normally would have on “work friends”. I think it’s important to remember that these our people you are friends with out of a shared circumstances. They can be lovely people who you get along with, but that doesn’t always mean they’ll be the most natural friendships. You’ve connected over a shared work experience but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll share hobbies or interests or a sense of humour outside of work. Maybe in a more personal context you’ve realized they’re better friends at work than outside. Nothing wrong with that! They still liked you enough to want to support you and cheer you up, and that’s so sweet. Don’t beat yourself up for not having a natural connection with everyone you (are kind of forced to) spend time with. It doesn’t make you lamer or less fun, just different. Even if you felt awkward or out of place, just remember that these girls cared enough to want to support you, and that’s really something to be grateful for ❤️
As far as ending your engagement, be kind to yourself. I know I had some really complex feelings of grief and guilt, and I didn’t always navigate the process in the best way. Just take care of yourself, disconnect from social media, and focus on your hobbies and interests. Now is the time to focus on you and really learn to understand what does and doesn’t work for you in a partnership. Sending all my love!
It’s okay to feel sad. I was in a similar situation, 29 at the time, engaged, 7 years in a relationship, ready to start a family, but I was the one who got broken up with, came out of nowhere. Took 6 months to get out of the depression and 2 more years to pick myself together.
Now, 7 years later, I am really happy I didn’t get married and had no kids. Turns out, I am not really a kid person and it was more social pressure that made me think I want children. I would have been miserable.
You are young and you will get through this
I was broken up with 2 years ago today, so it’s timely this came up on my feed. It came out of nowhere after coming back from vacation, meeting his entire family. Needless to say it completely broke me.
I felt like you for a very long time, feeling awkward and not liking any activities my friends invited me out to. It took me some time to realize I had built my life around this person, and didn’t even know what I liked to do anymore. The awkwardness came from not knowing who I was without him. The last time I was doing all this for myself, I was a different person. Younger and in a different place in life.
First of all, give yourself time to grieve. Cry, moan and don’t feel like you have to put on a brave face. You need to take the time to accept that the future will be a different place than you thought.
Then, get comfortable with being alone. Try going out for a coffee alone, or going to a concert alone. This was hard for me, but it really made me appreciate things with my own company. It’s sometimes eye opening to see how much you did/acted to compromise for your partner. It’s cool to go to a movie theatre and pick a movie only you like and get snacks only you want. It gave me time to understand who I was, what I liked, get comfy with my anxious thoughts.
Finally, try to make your life so full that whoever you meet when you’re ready, has to be a fit into the life you’ve built. I did pottery classes, fitness classes, art shows etc. You’ll hate some things, and that’s ok because you tried. It’ll help you discover what makes you feel good, but also meet new people. I met a lot of women my age who are also single, and it was really refreshing.
2 years later, I can tell you that you’ll come out better on the other side. The pain won’t last forever. It sucks right now and you feel alone, but you can create a life curated with people who really love you – not necessarily romantically.
Best of luck and wishing you the best!
Please be aware that when we are depressed, we can read neutral faces as disapproving or hostile.
They have done actual studies of this with people in MRI machines.
So you might be feeling it more strongly right now, but that might not be an accurate reflection of their feelings.
They put together a night to cheer you up, they are there for you- even though you are feeling low.
It’s ok you didn’t have the party vibe. Be patient with yourself and your grief.
It might also just not be something you vibe with. I never seem to ‘click’ with girls groups going out. Generally these girls in a pack, and the ones that would organise something like this, have a certain vibe and behave in a certain way, talk about certain things. I generally get on much better with: guys, gym/athelet girls, nerdy girls (I’m a stem graduate student etc). I really relate to that experience of when I say something it’s like the whole group goes quiet and looks and it puts a downer on whatever girly vibey dynamic they had. It’s fine. I do fine socially with people I get on with. So don’t let this make u feel that you’re socially inept and will always feel isolated in a social setting. I’m telling you it really is this kind of group that either I got into it, or you really don’t.
Aside from being sad, did your fiance and you isolate yourself as a couple? How long were you together? It’s possible you’ve forgotten how to be social as an individual, it’s super common. Just will take time to get back to yourself
I’m sure the other girls understand because you are grieving and it would be kinda weird actually if you were fully bubbly and happy considering what happened with the engagement.
Your coworkers sound great, and they probably wouldn’t have invited you out if you were excessively socially awkward. Be kind to yourself.
You don’t actually have to say anything.
You can just listen.
Your coworkers obviously like you to be doing this for you. You’re sad and that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you!
You might just not be a group person, or a “pretend to be excited in a party” person. My husband is like you, what you described would definitely happen to him.
He is also the most wonderful person in the world.
See your friends one on one to thank them for the party, and if you want “fun”, just invite two guests, so the discussion can be animated but still stay calm.
It’s just another way to relate to others in social context.