My husband and I let my mil move in to our house. I know what you’re thinking. I was blind. I didn’t know her well. She renovated our downstairs den into an apartment leftover from her husband’s life insurance.
Little by little I discovered she was showing covert narcastitic traits. Cold, condescending, judgmental, and very, very controlling. She didn’t present this way in the beginning (she had her mask on). I thought that since she had her own space below it wouldn’t leak upstairs. Boy, was I wrong. So many little passive aggressive jabs at me, her daughter in law. I welcomed her with open arms. Was kind in the beginning. She started doing things like constantly yelling upstairs for my husband. I asked that he ask her to call him instead. She said I hated her and she’d move out if she could afford it. Lots of hateful comments to me and plenty of dirty looks. When I told my husband about this he said “that’s just the way she is. She didn’t mean anything by it”. Everything built up until I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
The last straw was when I was post op tonsillectomy. She told me to move my car when I was in bed in pain bc she had a delivery in 10 min. I didn’t get the message until the movers were ringing my doorbell (husband was at work). I had a panic attack, was in severe pain, and couldn’t hardly function let alone go move my car so I didn’t. They were able to deliver her recliner without needing to move my car.
She has a huge problem with bounderies. She would leave her outside door open until hundreds of pgnats came into our kitchen upstairs. Husband already talked to her about this. I sent her 2 polite texts to keep the door closed as the pgnats were bad. She ignored them. Husband talked to her the next day and she told him “you shouldn’t have to choose between me and your wife. Your wife should come first. I would be comfortable though if y’all gave me $20,000 and I’ll move out”. My husband told her we didn’t have that kind of money. A few days later I saw her door open… Again. I go and shut it gently. She opens it, gives me a dirty look, and closes it back. I then put a note on the door that reads “please keep door closed to prevent bugs from coming inside, thank you” and take a picture. As I’m watering my outdoor plants this lady comes burrowing outside angrily and gets in her car, revved her engine up and took off down the road very fast. I knew I had an issue then and she couldn’t stay. I have enjured a year and a half of this and I can’t take it anymore.
Finally, I told my husband that if she didn’t leave we were going to divorce. I couldn’t handle it anymore. He told her about a month ago that I needed her to leave. She is dragging her feet. I went downstairs last week and knocked on her door and told her “this living arrangement is not working”. She said “give me $50,000 and I’ll leave”. I simply said “I don’t have $50,000 and you renovated this for your comfort but you aren’t making it comfortable for me” Anyway, she basically said she’d be contacting a lawyer. She isn’t on our deed and my husband and I didn’t sign a contract for the renovations she made. After this, she cut up all my wedding photos (cutting me out… They were her photos at least, I have copies) and put these photos on the a shared shelf for me to see.
I’m at my wits end. I plan to talk with my husband in a few weeks to give her a month deadline. He came upstsirs yesterday and was really excited saying she is going to have a house built on some land in their family. I know this process will be long and I can’t wait that long. We had an argument last night and I cried all night and had to work the next day on 2 hours of sleep. I’m at my wits end here.
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You may have to formally evict her if she’s not going to leave. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.
Can you afford to pay rent somewhere (or partial rent) to give her somewhere to live in the “meantime” while she’s “building” or suggest she goes and lives at the land where she’s building
Please find a place to stay until she leaves. She knows what she’s doing and she wants you to be miserable. Don’t give it to her and make your husband deal with her instead.
You have an SO problem. Why are you directly communicating with a narc who’s designated you as her personal punching bag? That’s his mother. Not only should he be the one dealing with every interaction but “That’s just how she is” should never have been how he responded to you when you told him there was a problem. He married you he should be standing up for you. He needs to get his butt in gear and you need to show him that his actions or lack thereof have consequences.
Change locks. Leave her shit in the street.
Tell your husband she’s either gone or you are. Give him a firm deadline. If she won’t leave you can evict her. You should probably start looking for a divorce lawyer.
OP, some info please are both you & your spouses names on the deed?
Does your spouse know his Mother upped her money demand to you?
I don’t know what state you live in but you could technically go to court and serve her in eviction.
>she is going to have a house built on some land in their family
If MIL has other family, perhaps she can go and live with them. Your DH has to tell her that she has 30 days to vacate the premises, no exceptions. If DH will not support you and get Mummy Dearest out of the house, you need to seriously consider ending the relationship.
Damn, reading this legit gave me stress hives. First off, sorry you’re caught in this dumpster fire, mate. Sounds like MIL’s got her hooks in deep. But here’s the thing – you’re not her doormat. Hubby’s gotta step up and grow a spine. Classic enabler behavior right there. Just ’cause she’s fam doesn’t mean she gets to steamroll over you. Get legal advice ASAP, give her a deadline, and stick to it. Also, maybe some professional therapy or counseling – for you and the hubby. Don’t let her shenanigans suck the life outta you. Big hugs and stand your ground, OP! It’s YOUR home, too. You deserve peace. Keep your head up, it gets better! <3
Tell MIL and her son that in a divorce, you will force sale on the house. Hmm, that’s not a bad idea.
I stopped reading at “that’s the way she is”. You’ll never come first and I don’t like to say that either…
Oof, OP, she sucks so much. I almost had a chillingly similar situation a year and a half ago. We allowed my MIL to stay with us while she looked for a place as she was moving from another state and was in limbo in between jobs. She was insistent she could get an ADU built onto our detached garage. She only had about 30k to work with and was BEGGING us to split the cost and build onto our property for her. It would’ve cost 100k+ to do this job. We explicitly told her before she moved here that she would need her own place. Period. I too, was very welcoming as much as I possibly could be (mind you was also 36 weeks pregnant when she got here). I was exhausted, had pregnancy complications, and really just wanted to focus on a smooth delivery. She did nothing but stomp all over our boundaries and was super passive aggressive about all of our (very reasonable) house rules. Argued with me about how to clean my house. Asked how she could help with chores and then huffed and puffed when I told her she wasn’t cleaning the way I preferred. She wouldn’t even take the trash cans to the curb when I was in fucking LABOR because she was “too scared” to go in the dark alley by herself at night (we live in a nice area and have zero issues in our neighborhood). Long story short she moved back to her home state about 2 weeks after baby was born. There was no way in hell I was gonna let her live in our house. Hold your line. You have no legal obligation to deal with this. I hope everything works out. Sorry your JNMIL sounds very toxic and similar to mine 😔
NOR, and if DH says MIL is going to stay until her house is built, tell him you’ll be moving out until she’s gone, and will be considering divorce in the meantime. And a forced sale will be in the terms if you go that route.
I just know “having a house built” is going to be code for endless excuses and delays. It sounds like your husband is falling for it (or hoping you will).
You have already stated a boundary and the consequence. Either she goes or you do. Time to get that hotel room – for yourself, for a couple days or a long weekend. You may not be ready.to leave at this point, but let him think about it as he spends a couple of days without you.
Tell her yourself she has 30 days. If she’s not out in 30 days, serve her with an eviction notice and the follow that process. Tell your hubs if he don’t like it, he can go with her.