Please don’t take or steal this. Thanks
So yesterday my MIL sends my husband and I a random tik-tok telling us how to live our lives and my husband responds with a joke. And somehow this turned into her spiraling at how she shouldn’t move to our state anymore.
In previous posts, I mentioned how my MIL just decided she wanted to live closer to her only child son. I presumed it’s to regain control of his life because since we met pre-pandemic, he’s individuated. Which obviously she’s not happy about. We got married last year and are now about to welcome a baby late this year.
So anyway, when we told her we were expecting early this year, she decided to move her timeline of moving to our state from 1-2 years to this summer. Our stomachs dropped a bit but again, her money. You probably already realize yes she’s overbearing, treats her son like a child, gives way too much unsolicited advice, monopolizes our time, overstays her welcome, and is so passive aggressive I didn’t know that was humanly possible.
Now onto current events, she said she was looking 40mins to 1 hour away. Then apparently that was too far. So then, she decided a city 30 minutes away from us was better, then 20 minutes away. And then she was looking at houses too close like 3 minutes from us. We both panicked a little but said that was too close.
Then one day, MIL flat out asks us as a guise for her realtor wanting to know if looking for a house in our city was too close.
(All the houses in our city are within 10 minutes or less of our house. And we just started having key problems. She started letting herself into our house using it while we’re with her.)
And my husband messaged her that our city was too close. His mom replied that she’d let her realtor know. But my husband said he knew his mom was mad, though I couldn’t see really through the texts he showed me from her.
Now that brings me to today. Because he made a joke about the tik-tok, she put a sad face and said “if you don’t want me to move to your city, just tell me,” and “I guess we won’t see each other,” and “it’s ok, I’m trying to find a new life.”
Like how did making a joke about a tik-tok become this?
I’m like now she’s pulling at my husband’s guilt strings and he already doesn’t have the bandwidth because work is quite literally eating him alive.
Not looking for advice but welcome it. Just wanted to vent and share the continuation of this saga of how MIL is probably moving to our state. Eye roll…
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Other posts from /u/theivythatispoison:
Update: Overbearing MIL planning to move to our state within 30 mins of our home., 1 week ago
Setting Boundaries with DH and MIL around Baby, 3 months ago
Yikes! MIL being scammed. , 7 months ago
If your MIL previously lived in another state and now lives in yours, how did your life change? , 8 months ago
MIL Rehearsal Dinner, 1 year ago
Overbearing MIL planning to move to our state within 30 mins of our home., 1 year ago
Excluding MIL, 2 years ago
I don’t know what to do…, 3 years ago
My Sweet Naïve SO, 3 years ago
He’s frustrated and so am I, 3 years ago
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First, change your locks and codes as she’s way too presumptuous by using them. She doesn’t need them “in case of an emergency”. She’s currently too far away for that to make any sense.
She can move next door and that doesn’t mean that you have to see her. How much time do you spend with your current neighbors? I’ve lived across the street from mine for about 30 years and we’ve spoken less than 10 times. That’s on you and your husband to manage.
As far as your husband’s bandwidth right now, this is exactly the time for him to HAVE to deal with his mother AND not bother you about her. He doesn’t get to whine and rant to you expecting you then to do the emotional lifting, the “how dare she!”, the “there, there, dear” that you likely do. The sooner he gets to an extinction burst, the sooner he won’t be dealing with her at all. If his employer has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), he can find a therapist there to help him figure out how to deal with her.
Just what I always wanted for my retirement : Becoming a human barnacle to my kids and getting mad at them for not treating that decision like the best thing ever.
First, you and your husband need to discuss what boundaries and level of contract you can mutually agree upon. How close is too close? How often are you willing to see her? Find a common ground that you are both comfortable with.
Then, your husband needs to have a serious conversation with his mom before she takes any further action on this plan. No beating around the bush. Manage her expectations. Tell her exactly what you are ok with, and what is not ok. By being wishy washy in your responses so far, you are giving her the idea that you are in agreement with whatever she decides. Stop assuming she will use common sense and tell her outright what you expect of her.
My only advice to you is to start speaking your mind to her. You’re letting her walk around thinking you are okay with all of this and she is going to uproot her life to move closer to you only for it to blow up your whole life and relationship with her (which you know but arent telling her).
She’s an emotional vampire but I doubt she’s a kind reader. The kind thing to do would be to tell her straight up she’s making a mistake moving near you because you don’t want to revolve your life around her etc
Now is the perfect time for your husband to tell her she should be moving for herself, not for him.
He should say out loud, I’m busy at work. I have a wife. We have friends and responsibilities. I’m sure you’ll see me, but it sounds like you think you’ll be seeing me more than is realistic.
Her over reaction to the video is the perfect opening to make it clear to her that moving closer doesn’t really change the circumstances of your life. You won’t be available to her all the time because you can’t, you have a whole life outside of just her. That won’t be changing.
She’s throwing a tantrum. She wants control (by moving closer), you’re not giving her control (by telling her she’s trying to move too close), and she’s lashing out. The next time she brings up moving closer to you, your husband needs to lay it out for her.
“I appreciate that you want to be closer to us, but that isn’t going to change the current situation. We have our own lives, our own schedules, and we’re about to be too busy to entertain you once the baby gets here. We will not be changing our lives to be your social circle, and our little family will always take priority, meaning you will likely still be going weeks or months without seeing us. We will not be allowing uninvited drop in’s, and will not be giving you a spare key to our home. If you want to move here, we cannot stop you, but you will not be getting the results you’re hoping for.”
After that, you follow through. If she decides to move anyway, you do exactly what you said. You don’t let her in unless you invited her, you don’t change your lives around to accommodate her boredom, and you don’t become her social circle. With any luck, she won’t move, and if she does, she may decide she hates it and leaves because she’s not the center of your lives.
would it be so bad to have the following response to her question:
Mom: “if you don’t want me to move to your city, just tell me,”
DH: Yes, you’re right. We would rather you not move to our city. This is because I have the sense that if you move closer to us that you will want to see us more than we can accommodate. We should have had this conversation already but I’m going to lay out my fears for you now, before you commit to moving. I’m afraid you will want to see us far more than you do now. In reality, we won’t be able to see you much more than we do now. I’m afraid you will want to spend time with the baby even when I’m working, but that isn’t going to happen. You are my mother, my responsibility. Whenever you visit us, I will be at home spending time with you. You know my work hours are crazy, and I also need to sleep and give time to my wife and child. What that means, realistically, is that I’ll be able to host you once a month on my day off for about two hours. You’ve moved up your timeline significantly to move to our state since we told you about the baby. I’m afraid that you think that you’ll be babysitting, having the baby by yourself. But that isn’t going to happen. We aren’t going to let the baby go anywhere without us. There will be no overnights at your house. We aren’t going to let anyone babysit, even professionals, until the end of paternity and maternity leave. I should have told you this when you said you wanted to move. I apologize that I haven’t done it until now, but this is the situation. I hope it informs your decision whether or not to move.
Classic guilt trip. She’s manipulating DH, using the grandkid as leverage isn’t even needed here, just her presence is enough to stir drama. Your husband needs to set firm boundaries or this will get worse.
She’s not moving to be “closer,” she’s moving to be inside your lives. That TikTok meltdown was just a test run for the guilt trips to come.
What’s the joke he made?
Let MIL know that you are adults with busy lives and won’t be able to see her more than you already do. And change your locks.
If she asks for reasons, be honest- “she’s overbearing, treats her son like a child, gives way too much unsolicited advice, monopolizes our time, & overstays her welcome”. MIL needs an awakening from whatever fantasy she has in mind.
She’s wanting him to change his mind. Not only change his mind but BEG her to move to your city, hell move onto our street! This is the most blatant and obvious manipulation, surely she could’ve come up with something more clever 🙄 He says sorry mom our town is to close. He laughs at a video and she takes it as “you clearly hate, want me to move to Mars, and get eaten by an alien! Maybe then you’ll be happy!”
Don’t fall for it. If he hasn’t responded already, please tell him not to. She is def still moving, she is just trying to stomp on your boundary and become your neighbor.
I just read the joke she was upset about. This woman is going to be a nightmare… bet she’s diagnosable as something, can’t say what on this sub but I bet she’s diagnosable
CHANGE YOUR LOCKS NOW AND DONT ALLOW HER A KEY!!!!!!
If you think she is overbearing now, and has been, wait until the baby rabies start for “her baby”.
Make your birth plan and if you don’t want her there, or to visit, put it in writing and make sure to tell her frequently and with witnesses, make sure location settings are off (including Snapchat if either of you have it) and you start delaying replying to messages or return calls now, so when you get closer to your due date any small delay in replying isn’t immediately seen as your in labour and she has to run to the hospital because she “has” to be there.
You need to stop worrying about her feelings when she is fishing like this. “Oh noooo, I guess I won’t move closer wha wha whaaaa” respond with. “Yes, that is right please don’t”. She is already mad, and already throwing a fit so let her carry on, far away from you. If you don’t push back, she is gonna push in, all the way in on your boundaries.
Tell her it doesn’t matter where she lives because you won’t see her any more than you do now. Put that expectation out there that she will not have extra contact with you. The rest of her time will be spent in a place where she knows no one and has no friends
If she chooses to be lonely, it’s not on you to fix that. You should tell her that frequently in the most direct and clear way you can
Maybe consider installing locks that don’t use a key that can be swiped and copied
if you don’t want me to move to your city, just tell me – you’re right. Don’t move to our city.
I guess we won’t see each other – you’re right. We won’t see each other much more than we already make time for.
it’s ok, I’m trying to find a new life – that’s amazing for you. You should try to settle somewhere that makes you happy on your own because we are going to have to focus on our own family now and we wouldn’t want you to think that we will be able to spend all of our spare time with you. That won’t be fair to you so we encourage you to find your own activities that spark joy and not rely on us for your personal fulfilment.
🎤 drop
When my dad said something about driving his trailer down to see us for an extended stay I made sure to tell him that our driveway wasn’t available and it’d be better if he went to the near by campground, that he would need to understand that we have our own lives and schedules so we are not going to be able to see him all the time, and I would never even consider letting him touch a key. He says a lot of things so I don’t think he would actually do it, but just in case I wanted to set his expectations at a level I could handle. Maybe consider having a conversation about that?
Malicious compliance is your friend. “Oh thank goodness we didn’t want to say anything but you’re right it’s definitely too close. Thank you for understanding MIL!”