About a month ago, my husband and I got legally married in a small, private ceremony at our church with just our parents and our child. No reception, just something intimate and meaningful. Later that day, I did a wedding dress try-on with my bridal party to start getting excited for our big wedding celebration, which we planned for next year.
The idea was to give ourselves a year to save up for the full wedding and reception. But now that we’re into the budgeting and saving phase, it’s hitting us just how tight things are going to be. We live in a small two-bedroom house in a not-so-great neighborhood, with one child, a dog, and two cats. We’ve been really wanting to move into a bigger home in a safer area, and continuing with the wedding would delay that goal by several years—maybe even five.
My husband is totally on board with skipping the big wedding altogether and just focusing on the house. I’m torn. On one hand, this is my first and only marriage, and I’ve always dreamed of having a wedding. On the other, I know we need more space, more financial breathing room, and I’m starting to question whether a big wedding is worth the stress and delay.
We’ve already paid for some things—my dress and shoes, half the decorations—and we did put a deposit down on the venue (which we can get back). The money we’ve already spent isn’t a massive amount, but it still sucks to lose it.
So I guess I’m stuck. I don’t know what I really want. A part of me feels like I’ll regret not having the wedding, but another part of me really just wants to move forward and start building the life we want in a new home.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Would you go forward with the wedding, scale it down, or cancel and redirect all energy to moving? I could really use some perspective.
Update: everyone gave some really good perspectives I was looking for. Thank you! I’ve decided that we will cancel the big wedding and just do a small party in our backyard here in a couple months to celebrate and put the rest towards our future.
Comments
It doesn’t have to be all of one way or the other.
When my nephew and his wife got married, they did so in our backyard. We had a group of friends help us decorate it and make it look beautiful. We had a whole bunch of wonderful hors d’oeuvres and appetizers and drinks and it was a really nice day.
Just something to think about. Compromising halfway in between and maybe having a party to celebrate your marriage, but not go through the nuts expense a full scale wedding.
Congratulations by the way !
You’re married. Congratulations. You chose the small ceremony for a reason and I’m sure it was relaxed and great. Let your friends know that you eloped or whatever you want to call it and move on- unless you want to throw some sort of after party ( which is a lot of work but it you want it, do it). Just my two cents. Married 34 years now. If you decide to focus on using your money for upgrading your living arrangements get the deposit back asap and sell the other stuff as able. Another idea. When you older and settled do a wedding renewal ceremony ie 25th anniversary etc
Skip the big wedding. Build the life, not just the day.
Skip the big wedding. Save for your life together. Think of things like a housewarming to gather friends.
Older woman here: I also eloped and never once regretted not having a big wedding. I’m also the type of person who’d rather have real estate than jewelry.
But you’re not me, and you are the only person who can decide if you will look back at this decision when you are 50 years old and regret not having a big wedding. Some people would.
I’d say skip the big thing and spend the money on the house, everything is getting more expansive,
You can also do a small reception somewhere, nothing fancy, my friends just rented a small venue, made the food and cookies themselves, they didn’t want cake, the bride wore a blue dress she loved, she wanted something they could reuse, we went to the market the day before and picked up some flowers and made our own bouquets, I did her makeup ( I’m not a makeup artist) and she did her own hair, it was lovely,
They put the money in the house and made some good financial decisions since and are now living in a million dollar house,
Or since you’re already married, just skip it and do a vow renewal in 5 or 10 years something as big and fancy as you imagined but when you can actually afford to,
Not a good idea to start a marriage with financial trouble
Save the money!!!!!
I think I would totally scale back the big wedding. I’d still have one but would make it bougie on a budget.
Congratulations!
It’s ok if you decide not to do the big wedding. Maybe you can have a casual backyard party for your 1 year anniversary & wear your dress?
A good friend of mine got married in very early 2020 in her parents living room because her dad was very sick, & passed a few months later. They were supposed to have the big wedding that summer – clearly that didn’t happen. By the time they rescheduled for like the third time, she was pregnant & due within weeks of the wedding, so they cancelled. Absolutely none of this is how she dreamed, but they now have a beautiful child, a house (probably faster than they would have if they’d have had the big wedding), & at the end of the day, they’re married & that’s what matters most.
So all that to say, it’s totally ok if your priorities have changed. Congratulations on this next phase of your lives together!
A big wedding a year after you marry is just a very expensive party. As a guest I’d be hard pressed to work up any excitement over it.
Focus on the marriage not the wedding
Have a reception party at your new house. Close friends only. Wear your dress. Cater it. Have a great time.
I think moving is important, you want to be in a safe neighborhood where your child can thrive. That being said, can you have a tiny ceremony and reception, say 25 guests? Wear the beautiful dress and hire a photographer?
Chose to go up to our favorite spot to get married. Just parents. Two days later we did a “reception” just a party with our friends and family. Don’t regret it at all. Glad we did what we did.
I have always felt getting married is an intimate moment. I didn’t want to share that moment with tons of people. We originally didn’t even want parents there. I hate going to weddings.
Who says you have to have the big wedding right now. Postpone build your life 2-3-10 years down the line you may be in a more financially stable position do the party then if it still is what you want. But if postponing then please reach out to family and friends now so this isn’t a last minute thing let them plan their lives without thinking they need to be here on X day next year
Save your money. Use the savings for.a honeymoon like 1st year anniversary and the rest for home, or investment in stocks aka S & P 500 that averages 10% growth.
Big weddings are overrated.
When I got married, we had the reception at our house five months after we bought it, catered and everything. We saved lots and my in-laws got a two-fer: party and opportunity to snoop around our new house. I wore my white wedding gown and I paid a service $150 to come by the next day to clean for me. You are doing married right – focusing on your partner and your little family. The rest is just a bug party. Congratulations 🎊!
Well, you’re already married, so you’re not planning a “wedding” you’re planning a “party”.
Skip it for now and spend your money on more important things. If you find you’re still missing it later, do a big 10-yr fancy vow-renewal party instead.
And look up sunk cost fallacy – it makes no sense to spend possibly tens of thousands more dollars just because you might lose a couple of thousands in deposits.
Since you already have the dress and shoes, hire a photographer and have some pictures made. You will want those down the road.
Skip the wedding, buy the house, and have a party in your new back yard.
Put your pictures on your party invites and send them via email or text to save $$.
Either use the decorations you’ve already bought or sell it.
Skip the huge weddings and if you regret it later, have a vow renewal for one of the big anniversaries.
Married 33 years, no regrets that we kept it small and intimate. Weddings and funerals are scams. Buy the house!
You do not need advice, you already know what you want to do! And that’s a beautiful thing. Your marriage is for you, not for others!
I’d flip a coin. If I can accept the answer the coin gives me, then it is the right decision. If I can’t, then the other decision is right.
Maybe I’d write the thing I will give up on a piece of paper and burn it up. If I am still good with the decision, then I know it is right.
Get back what you can and save it for your family. It sounds like your dreams for yourselves have changed, which is perfectly fine! Buy a new house, and have a house warming/post-wedding cook-out with more friends and family.
Skip the big wedding. It’s just a party. My parents were married by a justice of the peace with two friends in attendance. They remained madly in love until my dad died 65 years later. Mom died a year later.
You’re already married so a “wedding” at this point doesn’t make much sense. Buy the house.
Re: the dress and shoes: sell them. If the dress is unaltered, you should be able to get a decent amount for it, just don’t expect the full price.
I would cancel everything. Keep the dress and have a wedding/ vow renewal in 5 years.
Skip the wedding. My wife’s parents forced us to have an expensive wedding because they’re full of vanity issues and instead, that money would have saved us from financial ruin.
Do the wedding at your new house/ garden
You can still use your Stuff and skip some expensive things
Weddings are a waste of money. It’s an industry money grab. Wife and I eloped together and it was a amazing. Everyone got to see pictures
You can have the wedding later down the line if you feel like it. It doesn’t have to be next year.
Focus on bigger goals, if you are happy together that’s what counts, a wedding is just a day from the rest of your lives.
You can also use a part of the “wedding money” to go on a nice vacation while still saving up for the house.
Congratulations and have a beautiful life!
Get your house fixed up, and invite your nearest and dearest over to celebrate! Yay!!
I chose a house vs a wedding and will never regret that decision.
We were going to do something small a year or two later but then Covid happened. We thought about doing something smaller-ish in our backyard because we have a good amount of flat yard space. Once I started pricing everything out – tent, tables, chairs, bartender, restroom trailer, etc. – it got pretty expensive quick, just an fyi.
Plan the big wedding celebration for your ten year anniversary. Do a vow renewal. Save the dress or consider selling it now; your tastes in a dress will probably be different in 10 years. Save or sell the decorations; again, your taste will probably be different in 10 years.
Between now and then, build the life you want to look back on and celebrate at the 10 year anniversary.
The wedding is probably going to feel weird because you’re already married. And you might be thinking about the cost all day. It’s kind of an obvious choice I think
I have never left a big wedding where people were not complaining either about food , music or something else . Just skip it all together
Can’t you postpone the wedding for like maybe the 10 year anniversary or something? Or just a few years from now.
It’s one day of your life. Not worth it.
I personally think it’s weird to have a wedding when you’ve already been married for a year.