I (24f) went on a date with this really cute guy (28m). We got coffee, chatted for like 30 minutes at the coffee shop. He asked me to come back to his place, I said sure but I’m not the type of girl to have sex with you on the first few dates.
So we went back to his place, chatted for a bit. He tried cuddling with me. He said, “this is the first time I haven’t hooked up on the first date.” At the end, he requested one kiss. I did that..
Then we planned our second date. It was to my favorite park. That went well, and then afterwards we went back to his place to watch a movie. He got offended I wasn’t ready to cuddle yet. So I forced myself to be comfortable cuddling. Well I did get comfortable, and I know it wasn’t right for me, but im a people pleaser. We ended up hooking up, but as soon as he was finished, he stopped and wanted to buy me plan b. He was really adamant on me getting it and seeing me take it, even though we literally used a condom.
Then he wanted me to leave so I did.. I texted him when I got home if he just was letting me down east or if he actually wanted to continue getting to know me.. he said “you push me away and it doesn’t me make me feel good. I think you have trust issues”
So I was just used…and I feel awful. Just another body count to add to my list, to be shamed for from the future guys I may see.
Tl;dr: I feel so sick and ashamed of myself.
Comments
Ugh, I’m so sorry that happened to you. He should be the one feeling ashamed of his actions, not you. I totally get the “people-pleaser” mentality—you’re not alone in that. But honestly, it’s immature guys like him who leave us with trust issues, and that’s on them, not you. Please don’t be hard on yourself—you deserve respect, care, and someone who values you beyond what they can get in the moment. 💛
As a young father, when I have a daughter I will tell her that I love her with all my heart, I will show that love, protect her, give her what she deserves (the whole world), and make damn sure that she knows her value to me, which is everything. A woman has to know their worth. Somewhere along a certain point you sound like you lost that.
You have an inkling of what worth should be, that little voice is speaking to you, but it’s easy, you don’t have to do anything on the first date, and sure as shit not go to another guys place 🚩. Intimacy is far beyond being physical with someone. Become friends, love each others personality, understand who someone is, how they treat you, what they show you, and if you are comfortable then you move into being intimate. Having integrity, knowing your WORTH, having respect for yourself, and through saying “NO” you will attract the right person in this regard. You will only receive what you desire if you act accordingly and demand so. Fuck people pleasing.
You shouldn’t feel bad about yourself. From the sounds of it this guy is a piece of shit.
Some dates are difficult lessons. This is nothing to be ashamed of, you didn’t know how it would turn out. And your value as a person is exactly the same as before. But now you know to run if you meet someone else who acts like this.
This guy sucks and you should block him. In the future, never do something unless you want to and you’re completely comfortable. The right guy will be patient and will never pressure you. This one was pressuring from the start.
Here’s the horrible truth, a lot of men use women only for sex. It def sounds like he was in it just for the sex and when you tried to set boundaries at first he used it against you by saying “you push me away, you have trust issues”. Understand that this is manipulation. When he got what he wanted, he was no longer interested. I’m happy to that you took the pill, for the sake of your own safety before anything. You dodged a bullet honestly. This is not a man you want to keep in your life at all. My only advice is to try to figure out the root cause of all of this, which to me sounds like a struggle with self love hence the “people pleasing”. Love yourself enough to not give your body to a man under any circumstances when you know your body is telling you no. Abandon the shame by trying to forgive yourself and learning from the mistake you made. But putting yourself down will not help at all. Stay safe and protect yourself from evil men.
Trust issues? It’s the second date how much could you reasonably trust at this point? He’s the one being paranoid about Plan B.
He should be ashamed of himself, not you. Chin up!!
Hello, I was this guy most of my life extremely good at manipulating women and extracting sex I was able to manufacture the sparks flying, make you laugh til you cry etc I had a silver tongue because I was extremely comfortable talking and listening to women.
I want you to understand something important, this is not bragging. I was not a happy person. I constantly used women as validation to try and fill a bottomless empty hole. I’d bet you a million bucks he’s in the exact same position…a sad, selfish stupor. You’ll be ok as you continue dating your intuition will be able to pick up more on the fuck boys. Just live and learn it’s just an experience don’t beat yourself up and try not to open the cookie jar too fast. If the guy is into you chances are he will end up waiting awhile. I waited til marriage to sleep with my wife. Good luck
It’s not your fault he’s a user. It’s his. You have no reason to be ashamed.
You have a right to set your boundaries. Please remember that.
It’s happened to the best of us, shame makes it harder to learn from. Accept it and consider taking a break from dating while you work on your confidence and self love to set boundaries and stick with them.
Also, my boyfriend does not know my “body count”. We know about some of the experiences we’ve had and some of the people, we know we are both STD free and committed to one another. To give a tally is not necessary and just lends towards judgment and shame, not getting to know each other. That is one of the boundaries that I had to learn to set. Some people might not be okay with it but oh well.
Tip: never go to anyone’s place until you get to know them better. Second date with a stranger is something I would consider too soon. During my people pleasing and low self esteem period I would try to avoid situations that would put me in a corner.
Good luck and stay safe.
This dude sucks and I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s a learning experience and one that will make you a more badass self assured person in the future. And one that a respectful person that deserves you will admire.
But
I need some clarification from the class
Is this not sexual assault? Pressuring and manipulating someone into sex then forcing them to take drugs and then ghosting?
Shoot, I’m an imperfect guy myself, even encouraged partners to take plan b, but to me calling this “being used” is an understatement? Or is my definition of consent overly safe?
Work on why you’re a people pleaser- I am one myself- set boundaries and enforce them-
I don’t go to man’s home anymore in the early stages of getting to know someone.
If people want to date, why go to anyones’s home.
We can watch movies at a theater.
It also doesn’t put us in uncomfortable situations.
He was definitely a jerk; however, at the same time since you’re aware of things you need to work on, make sure you’re also holding yourself accountable.
We don’t need to tell anyone we don’t hook up—— our actions show that for us.
I know exactly how you must be feeling, trust me I’ve been there. I say this with love – Don’t be upset because this you learning, your body is telling you ‘HEY I don’t like this!’ and you will learn to listen to your internal cues. He pushed the boundaries you already set, that’s on him and he should be feeling ashamed, not you. Love yourself, love the boundaries you set, speak clearly on them and don’t take manipulation/guilt tripping/negotiating etc from those a-holes.