My(22M) girl started hanging with this coworker of hers (20F) while she’s back in her hometown during summer. The girl always hangs out with this guy, let’s call him M(24M), so on nights out it often happened that all 3 went in the same car, and M was always the designated driver.
Shortly after the first time they hung out in a club, my girl told me M asked her “If you were in a room alone with him, you wouldn’t do anything?”. She of course said no, and told me, laughing about it. I didn’t think much of it, especially since she told me she believed he was gay.
A week later she sends me a screenshot of him telling her in a group chat “I don’t dance because if you were to see, you might have to leave your boyfriend!”. My girl handled it well, as usual, telling him that we were committed and that that was impossible. I thought it was pretty inappropriate, and told her that if he did another comment I would hate his guts. She laughed it off, saying he just jokes around like that, that he isn’t to be taken seriously and that he’s probably in the closet. In the same conversation, she also told me he had sex with the coworker of my girl in the past, and that they’re now friends.
I trust my girlfriend, so i knew that he wasn’t a real threat, just an annoyance. Later that night when all 3 were going to a club, she sent me a voice message where she said “Look what this guy is saying!!” and M said “Well, I told her you’re probably cheating on her while on vacation, and that it is fine because us men have our needs you know?”(Context: I am currently visiting close family abroad). I was furious. Me and my girl had an argument, with her insisting that it was just jokes, and me saying that even if joking, I wouldn’t let this disrespect slide.
The guy apologized to me, but I realized i wasn’t okay with her being around a person that disrespected our relationship, so i told her my position. She said she was sorry i felt that way, and that she’d do her best to avoid him but that it wasn’t possible to never see him since her coworker is always hanging with him. I told her that when it’s inevitable, i didn’t have a problem with it(she lives in a small city). She clarified that she thought that as long as she shuts it down and tells me about it, it’s fine. I rebutted that i understood her, but I just didn’t like her being around a person who clearly disrespected our relationship.
A few days later, she told me he was gonna drive her and her friend to this party, and that she was gonna go regardless of wether these guys went because her best friend was gonna be there. Her, her coworker and her best friend all finished late, so her best friend stayed home, and her and her coworker decided to go playing board games with that guy. I felt uncomfortable with that, but i didn’t say anything because i was unsure if i was making a tragedy out of nothing.
The day later, after thinking about it, i confronted her about it, telling her i was afraid that this was a big difference between us, that she wants to do whatever you want, while i believe partners should have some influence on who you hang with. She said that she thought we had finished the discussion, i rebutted saying that I realized much hasn’t actually changed.
She complained that i was basically controlling her, and asked me what we should do. I said that i would never accept that type of disrespect, and that i considered her hanging with a person that disrespected me out of her own volition a lack of respect. I also conceded that I have no right telling her who to hang with, just that i would’ve liked her to recognize that on her own.
She said i was leaving her no choice, i concluded that she had a choice, but that asking me to not judge her on her choices is unreasonable.
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So did you break up?
I can see how the coworker was rude about the dancing comment (could easily just been a joke, some people just have that type of personality), and that he was saying you were going to cheat while away. Do i think that would be enough for me to ban my partner from spending time with them? Probably not. It seems like he’s a part of their friend group so you’d be subjecting your partner to possibly cutting off her other friends. Do you think it’s fair?
i still don’t understand how she’s defending him like he’s literally trying to flirt with her on the dance shit, i salute you for the trust you are giving her but that’s overboard, partners do have influence on who you are with especially this matter that guy isn’t even normal friend or coworker atp, also note that discussions about relationships are always open it’s not like you bought food and cannot rewind time to not buy it since money is gone yk
its okay to know when you and your partner have different beliefs and ideas on certain boundaries. if it’s too much for you on that aspect, it’s a perfectly reasonable reason to leave.
She can do what she wants but she also should not allow anyone to disrespect you and your relationship.
>she was gonna go regardless of whether these guys went because her friend was gonna be there
But her best friend didn’t go, so what was now her excuse? This guy is clearly flirting with her and she’s enjoying his company.
You didn’t say how long you’d been together but she’s clearly don’t care about your feelings.
You don’t control her choice but you can set your own boundaries and that may include not staying with someone who’s willing to disrespect you.
>“I don’t dance because if you were to see, you might have to leave your boyfriend!”. My girl handled it well, as usual, telling him that we were committed and that that was impossible.
You think she handled it well ?
Sure ?
She didn’t reject him by telling him she doesn’t want to be with him. She said it’s not possible because…well, for now she is with you.
It’s like a “I don’t want to hook up with you because I’m not single”. Well, in my book, it’s not really a “no”. It’s a “try harder” and wait until the good moment.
Cut them both off
Just ask her that if a female friend of yours that you were spending a lot of time with was making comments about getting you to cheat on your girlfriend and flirting with you how your girlfriend would react.
My guess is not well.
Also: I can’t believe she tried to play the “I think he’s gay” card. Especially after he smashed her friend. Was the experience so bad she made him swear off women??
It’s perfectly fine to say, “its either him or me.” Be prepared for her choosing him. She is 20 and probably not done being single.