Guys, when you’re arguing with your partner, do you shut down or argue back? What’s actually going through your head in that moment?
Guys, when you’re arguing with your partner, do you shut down or argue back? What’s actually going through your head in that moment?
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Depends on the argument. Mostly shut down.
I walk away. I refuse to engage. Discussion later like adults or you’re done.
>What’s actually going through your head in that moment?
What an impossibly vague question to ask.
Hmmm…we don’t really argue in the traditional sense. It’s more like witty banter. Then it becomes who can make the wittiest statement and whatever we’re “arguing” about doesn’t get resolved.
I’m trying to win the witty game. I don’t care about the argument anymore haha
Depends on the argument. Its not worth losing a partner to will a small battle
Depends on emotional intelligence.
If I have a point to make I try to make it, if she’s not interested in resolving it I shut down and put my attention elsewhere. Not humouring somebody while they insist on making themselves an enemy.
Depends entirely on the argument at hand.
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I use I statements and work to align with them against the problem.
It’s never arguing as my partner doesn’t raise her voice so if I do, I imagine she’ll find it scary.
We do have our back and forths, but it’s never arguing and luckily enough, I do win my fair share!
I don’t “argue.”
I listen to understand where she’s coming from and react in a manner directed towards determining the most favorable direction for our team.
My partner and I don’t argue, we talk things out like adults. My ex wife and I argued because she was a terrible communicator and was easily offended by her interpretation of words said despite intentions.
There was a list of words that would set her off regardless of any context. What a stupid way to live.
I used to shut down completely as when I did try to express my viewpoint it was diminished.
Now, I do argue back… fuck being a doormat.
At the end of my marriage I would entirely shut down. Like a dollar store maniquin, eyes forward, barely even breathing. Nothing I could say or do would make anything better in those moments and it was best to just let it all happen.
We both try not to get loud or say mean things when we disagree, but it does happen every now and then, especially when we’re both tired and cranky. Sometimes, it just because we’ve let sources of irritation go too long without a calm discussion. We tend to argue about the same topics over and over, so we’ve learned it’s better to discuss them calmly as they come up, instead of lashing out when we’ve had too much.
I don’t like arguing. I’d much rather go off and cool down and then come back and have an actual discussion. Arguing is just a pointless fight that will inevitably lead to saying things you don’t mean in an effort to “win”.
I can’t remember the last time we’ve had an argument honestly
Honestly since most arguments are petty, I don’t engage. Reading some relationship subs though, I think I have to start tolerating petty and engaging because it’s likely tangentially important to her. Like, she may be arguing/angry over some seemingly minor issue but the real issue may be she doesn’t feel I’m tuned in / working on the relationship and that’s her, hopefully, subconscious, and not deliberately, way to test me or notify me she feels distance is being created.
It sucks tbh. I grew up in a volatile, abusive household. I sit and talk through big things, but I have to find a way to make space for her things, big or small, I suppose. But the volatility of many women….I immediately attribute it to abuse due to my past. And I know if I came at them with similar energy, they’d definitely be gone or have multiple talks about expressing myself in a more healthy, less scary way…and the double standard just….messes with me.
I just take a dive, I don’t care enough about being right to deal with arguing.
There are some things where I don’t care to argue for with my wife. Not that “I don’t care”, but it’s probably something that I know doesn’t affect my life like THAT.
I will forever argue my principles though. I’ve called my wife out on double standards (things she did and I wasn’t “allowed); those are absolutely things I won’t back down on. I’m not shouting, but I will give everything a response.
I kind of shut down because I am trying really hard to not to lose my temper and raise my voice or say dumb shit I don’t really mean.
My wife and I recently got into a little argument and she asked me why I am looking spacy and talking in a somewhat distant tone. I told it’s for the same reason she isn’t telling to not raise my voice at her. Then I told her I am really trying to control myself and to bring our conflict to resolution.
I am super solution oriented so I do everything in my power to not create more problems and resolve existing ones.
When the problem is me, I naturally get defensive and that can create some conflict.
This was because she came into the living room while I was playing games online with my best friend. We are busy adults and he lives out of state. I don’t get a lot of gaming time let alone gaming time with my bro. She initially came in to ask if some salmon still smelled good but decided to tell me she wished I would clean up a little before gaming with my bro.
I acted a little erratically because I am on the phone with my best friend because we are playing duos in Fortnite (I know we are 30 year old men playing Fortnite lol). I pause and erratically press start to pull up the not pause menu, put the phone on mute, and then ask her if there’s anything she wants me to do right now.
And idk she was just really offput by my behavior and then she does this thing where she asks if I am okay over and over because she perceived something off about my erratic movements.
And I try to explain a lot.
I am gaming with my best friend since kindergarten. Our time together is really important but you, my wife, are also my priority. It was a lot of fast movements and decisions to literally ghost my best friend on the phone to give my full attention to her. Sorry that was weird to see. Literally just trying to prioritize two very important people to me and it’s hard, okay?
Explain that I have told her before how I don’t like when she comes into the room and the first thing she does is complain at me. It makes me feel like she is engaging with me for the sole purpose of complaining. And if she does have a real ass complaint to make to take a minute to compose herself so she can air her grievances in a calm manner that won’t make me defensive and trigger another argument.
She got mad because I got frustrated and asked “Why does it matter I acted weird? I know I did and acknowledged it. You know I did and acknowledged it, too. I apologized. Why does it matter? Okay, it matters to you because you want to understand? Then calm down, listen to me, do not interrupt, and do not make faces at me while I am trying to help you understand my irrational defensive behavior.
After some time she did understand. I asked her what a good response to her complaint is. I told her it might have been better if she had asked me about the salmon first, the reason she came into the living room to talk to me in the first place, before complaining about me not cleaning.
We were arguing/heatedly talking for like 15+ minutes all while she is holding a pack of salmon in her hands. Like I asked her to put the salmon down and sit down to talk but she said no? I did not like the dynamic of her being upset at me, literally standing there and looking down on me while I am sitting on the couch.
We worked it out.
I remember it’s us against the problem, not us against each other. We talk it out and apologise when necessary. We have raised our voices maybe 2-3 times in 10 years. Conflict resolution and managing one’s emotions is something that everyone should learn before adulthood.
Before my wife, I had several unsuccessful relationships. One lady preferred the yelling thing, the other one preferred stonewalling. Both seemed suboptimal in terms of my mental health. If the emotional intelligence is not there, I’m out.
You should never want to “win an argument” with your partner. Nor should you engage in emotional violence by shutting down and making them suffer. You should align on the big things and act like a team. We often learn these life skills from our parents, previous partners. Sometimes our actions reflect our insecurities. Never too late to learn and be better. Or to work on yourself.
“shut down” is a good way to put it.
I love my wife. I want her to be happy.
When she does something wrong or inappropriate, if I point it out suddenly she’s upset and (in her mind), I’m the bully that’s picking on her. Doesn’t matter what it is, doesn’t matter how wrong she is, if I point it out it’s my fault and suddenly she’s pissed.
Well I have put in a valiant effort in regards to arguing and like Chris Rock says a woman won’t let logic or sense f** a perfectly good argument. That’s been my experience as well. Logic and sense goes right out the window. So now I just sit quietly for 3 days instead and wasted 72 hours of my time until things get back to normal. Which also doesn’t make sense but seems like no matter what road y’all runs to making things better they all end up in the same place
Usually I just accept blame, and take “responsibility”.
It’s easier to just take the fall, and move on.
I know it’s not healthy, and I know it’s not mature. I’m not pretending that it is. Just being honest.
I just chose “peace” over being right.
I put peace in quotation marks, because it’s only momentary peace. It sits with you, and eats away at you, until you slowly check out of the relationship, or explode on them.
Seems to be that whatever is the wrong decision is what I do. I fight back? Wrong decision. I sit there and shut down. Wrong decision.
I shut down because of BPD and my dad screaming at me when I was a kid
I definitely argue back. I hate it when a partner shuts down – nothing can get accomplished. Usually, I try to be right – about whatever is being argued about and, if I’m wrong, I admit it and apologize.
“If I can’t win, I won’t play” – I was married for 20 miserable years with a woman who wanted to win fights more than find solutions. The first few years, I thought that we were trying to find mutually beneficial solutions or that sometimes I would give and sometimes she would. Her father had said during our wedding “don’t keep score” and I didn’t. But you don’t need to keep score when you never win to know it’s one-sided.
What was going through my head the last 15 years or so? “As soon as the kids graduate, my life can begin again”
Depends on if it’s a civil kind of argument. If you’re going to scream at me and talk over me after you’ve made your point even if you’re right then I’m just not going to say anything. Whatever the case don’t yell that’s not how you talk to someone.
If I know I’m in the wrong I shut down and listen. If I feel I’m not in the wrong I try to defend myself.
I’ve never been in an argument with my partners so idk.
I don’t argue about anything. It is not worth my time and peace.
Active listening is the key. It turns any fight into effective, level headed discussion, especially when both partners participate.
I refuse to argue with somebody that can’t control their emotions.
We both just walk away until we are calm enough to discuss and work together for a solution. Arguing is just childish and shows lack of emotional control.
I try to walk away.
When “you can’t run away from this encounter” it’s time to lie, browbeat, and act insane. I learned from the best.
We don’t really “argue”. At least not in the way I understand arguing. We talk about disagreements, but she and I are both pretty easygoing.
Im a very argumentative person so I was kind of a bully when I would argue with my fiancee. I still argue but I’ve gotten a lot better about it cuz shes such a softer person than I am and at t he end of t he say its not me vs her its us vs the problem.
I shut down. I have trouble articulating words so I need time to think about what to say clearly.
Better to not argue.
I like to win, but at what cost?
I don’t curse at her and that’s important to me
I used to shut down instinctively as an inexperienced teenager.
Then (due to the nature of my work) I started arguing back – I solve business disputes and I’m VERY good at it. That had worse results in my relationships.
I found out that women are like children and they don’t need to make sense, follow logic and be reasonable. They will lie, deny, gaslight themselves, cry, fake cry, “Timmy made me do it”, get physically and verbally abusive, exaggerate, throw fits … pretty much anything but accept they are wrong and at fault. Just like a 7yo.
So now I just shut down to spare their feelings. Women have far more fragile ego and are far less mature. So this approach is just better for everybody.
I wouldn’t say I do either. Both lead to animosity and I don’t want that in a relationship. We communicate together and find a resolution. I think any argument, disagreement, dispute etc should be handled as her and I against the problem and never her vs me in any way.
I look for a resolution. If it’s going nowhere. I shut down to give things some time to cool down. I’m not going to argue if it’s emotion driven.
“Please stop being mad please stop being mad…” or “what’s actually going on here?”
Partnerless but i have a habit of matching tones to people, something with how my brain works. If they dont know they think my yelling back when i respond, its annoying.
I don’t argue. Not because I shut down. But because my wife and I see eye to eye on mostly everything. If there’s an actual issue that needs to be addressed we discuss it like adults and come to a mutual agreement. Or at minimum a compromise that satisfies us both to some degree.