I genuinely suck at texting like I’m awful. It’s not that I don’t care I just get overwhelmed replying to a bunch of messages after a long day. My brain is usually fried by the time I’m home and the idea of small talk just feels like another task. All of my previous relationships have been through friends or meeting up them in real life, but recently I haven’t really gone out a lot so I’m not sure how to really get into relationships these days. My ex used to get really frustrated that I didn’t reply fast enough even though I was usually just zoning out or decompressing or watching dumb YouTube stuff. I wasn’t ignoring her like I just needed space to like not be on for a bit.
I do want to be better especially if I want to build something real again, but I wonder if other guys feel this way too like do any of you find texting emotionally exhausting? And if so how do you still manage to date?
Guys who don’t like texting, how do you get into relationships?
r/AskMen
Comments
I only use texting when there’s a point to it. Like arranging a meeting time, or my wife asking me to pick something up. I don’t have conversations by text. That would bore me stupid.
This is one of the big problems with dating these days especially with dating apps. Everyone wants to text text text text text non stop before the freaking date. You will find everything you need to know on the DATE! Then after a few dates then yea sure text away
Most cell phones these days have a call feature.
That’s the fun thing: usually, I don’t.
I’m pretty good about responding to texts, but I have a very hard time initiating, and that often kills the relationship before we even have the relationship talk.
I don’t!
I’ve mostly accepted that being a non-texter means I’ve removed myself from the dating pool. I’m sure not being on any social media is another nail in the coffin.
If you really want to build a relationship then you have to put some efforts. There is no other way.. Some people feel texting comfortable in initial days… Or until things become exclusive. After that you can shift to calls only and automatically texting will reduce.
As an introvert.. I find to talk on calls overwhelming in the initial days. I need some time to process.
Extroverts are ok with calls from the get go.
I’d argue that most men don’t enjoy this part of dating. I’ve never heard one dude say they enjoy texting all day.
Unfortunately my gf is like this and it can be exhausting. I’ve told others point blank not to text me about their day in real time—we can talk about it after work.
Now I just reply within an hour but if I replied immediately the way she does, I’d get even more texts. Idk why women don’t understand that we’re not their girlfriends, most of us don’t like small talk, there is nothing I can do with that information.
Which I think is partially because women enjoy venting and most times there’s no problem solving when it comes to women venting, because even if it is a problem, they are not looking for a solution… so then, what do you want me to do with this information?
Looking forward to the “oOoh YoUvE TaLkEd To MoSt MeN?!”.
The primary function of a phone is to call. You don’t have to text all day. Just make some time to call someone and verbally speak to them. You can also video chat for better interaction.
Don’t date women that require you to text them 24/7
I’m 32 my spouse is 29, she is very much more aligned with Gen Z in terms of texting speed, etiquette, etc. I never text her back because I told her from the jump that I don’t text. It’s really that simple.
I answer every one of her phone calls, we talk for hours in person, etc, but I’m not playing this fucking texting game with her and that’s just that 🤷🏾♂️
Call me or stay off of my phone 📱
Texting is how you lose attraction and become friendzoned.
Phone is only fpr setting dates.
r u my bf? jk HAHAHAHA
Plan things, can’t understand why yall like to be pen pals
I changed my phone screen to be a rotating album of my friends/ people I’m talking to. So whenever I open my phone it reminds me to check in or atleast think about checking in if it’s been a while. Or to respond
Phone calls and hanging out together.
In my last relationship my partner was also not a big texter. We texted to set up dates, but that was about it. Probably averaged one or two messages a day at most.
I tell women I go on dates with that I’m not a big texter. That I don’t really use my phone all that much in general. The trade-off is that when they’re with me, they get 100% of me. I will rarely ever be on my phone unless it’s to look up something pertinent to what we’re currently doing.
That’s the neat part. I don’t!
Unless you are so physically attractive that random women are approaching you while outside, you simply don’t get to date
Met my partner at a party. Our texts in the early days were mainly to make plans and then we’d actually have more to talk about when we’d meet up
Use texting for logistics only.
Way too much communication can be lost during texting, especially early in the dating period.
lol true. i am also someone who would talk in person and not over texting if I were to date someone
I also hate texting, but I make an effort to engage with it because that’s how all my friends (and most everyone else in this world) choose to communicate. One can only bury their head in the sand for so long, eventually you’ve gotta adapt to changes.
That being said, I’m also very honest with people about my texting preferences and I try to set my boundary early. For instance:
“Just to let you know, I don’t always respond to texts immediately, but I always make an effort to answer when I’m able.”
If that’s a problem for them, then so be it, but I feel like most rational people would understand that and they would appreciate the upfront honesty.
Understand and accept the fact that you’re in the minority (I’m right there with you), and then figure out how you want to respond. When I was dating, I decided I’d change my own habits because I wanted to date, so I put up with a lot of texting, especially as a relationship started. I’m not sure I’d describe it as “emotionally exhausting” in my case, but it was a constant annoyance and frequently pulled me away from something I wanted to be doing. But I tolerated it because it was worth it to me.
You can take the alternate path and refuse to text, but again, we’re in the minority, so I’d expect to miss out on a lot of possible connections. Neither is the “right” answer, just got to figure out what’s more important to you. I sold out and sent the texts, and I don’t regret it.
Phone calls/ FaceTime.
I dont get men here… i am a woman and i wanna know about you before we meet up! How does it make sense to meet someone irl before knowing anything about them or if you have stuff in common? That’s a wasted evening for me… i prefer texting for a few days before meeting up.
back in my day we’d just go outside and do stuff, like go to a concert, etc… walk around looking cool and start talking to and flirting with a woman if she held eye contact…
I made a point to bring it up when we exchanged numbers that I work a high stress job, and I don’t always respond right away because I may be decompressing or in the middle of something. If they had a problem with it, I knew we weren’t compatible.
Find someone whose life isn’t revolved around her phone. I made a point to my bf early on that I will not be able to reply right away to texts during the day. I’m a designer and tailor with back to back orders. I put on youtube or music as background while I sew. I only reply to important texts from existing or potential clients, family emergency, or his emergency during the day.
I reply text quickly in the evening usually when I’m free. I found out my bf prefers to text continuously after he’s done done with his day. He’d be online sparsely throughout the day and read my texts, but he won’t reply me until he’s really free to reply me with long texts about his day too. I had 20+ texts from him about his day when I just finished my choir practice around 9pm today. I don’t mind his style of texting. I don’t double text him either bcs I know he has ADHD. It’ll disrupt his focus from work or living his life normally bcs he’d feel guilty for losing focus on me by not replying to me quickly (I hope this makes sense lol). I still get to talk to him daily and neither of us are tied to our phone to feel secure in our relationship.
Try mixing it up, go old school and send a card? Like, stock up on cards or even post cards with actual stamps and write one out a couple times a week and send them. It’s different, and can create lasting sense of connection without overexposure texting back and forth over every little thing.
Been in an LDR for almost 5 years now, never liked texting, and am a slow texter. I love talking to her tho, so I try my best not to put my phone down and forget about it. Also speech to text is my best friend.
i’ve spent enough time online communicating via text that text messages don’t bother me inherently — i can keep up a text convo with someone easily enough — it’s more the “time to shit or get off the pot”. constantly texting before you ever even meet the person feels like it’s putting off actually meeting the person.
which does sorta feel like the vibe these days.
In person connections work best for me
I found a woman who also isnt constantly attached to her phone. ill lose my phone for weeks at a time and not care, and she doesnt care either
I got into one before texting was ubiquitous. So you could try that I guess.
We don’t.
There are plenty of women out there that are not big texters. I’m dating one now and it has been refreshing, although going days without contact caused some anxiety early on when I wasn’t sure where I stood with her.
When I get matches on a dating app, I usually ask for the person’s number within a day or so. After that, I try and set up a phone call asap. Texting is cool but can be tiring after a while. I tend to use emojis to show the person I’m interested with my messages, and I’ve had wonderful conversations on the phone with women that aren’t actually that great of texters. I mostly use texting as a way to show that I have a basic grasp of grammar and can follow a conversation lol, a phone call is where I can really work my magic and show the other person my sense of humor and make them actually want to set up a date.
Asked out a classmate and she said yes
Take some time to write and learn to love communicating with yourself. The rest is easy.
I text to make plans to meet and that is all. She needs to see you move and smell you and feel your presence to grow any kind of real attachment.
My friend dated a guy who was a slow/”bad” texter and it annoyed her but she learned to manage and accept it. From what she told me, he found texting impersonal and was really only useful for conveying information like the meeting time and location for an event.
What he did to help her was lay out the expectations for the texting early and she can decide if she’s ok with that. You then have to make up for the lack of texting in other ways. He always preferred to arrange in person meet-ups even if it was just to grab a drink, get ice cream, or just hang out together doing a simple activity. That means upping the amount of time you would spend with your partner and engaging with them that way. He also was super supportive when she needed him. So if she’s having a crisis in the middle of the night and needs to talk it out, instead of doing it through text it would mean hauling your cookies over to her so you could help her out.
It is possible but yeah it does take work and require a bit more effort on your part to make up for the texting void.
I don’t
Just call
Alright here my solution, you need to learn to send a message that acknowledges you have a received a message and commits to responding at a specific time.
“Hey, I see your message and I want you to know that I’m not ignoring you. I’ve had (am having) a long day and I want to put the right amount of effort into replying, which I’ll be able to do tomorrow morning”
The other thing I do is use the phone feature significantly more than the text feature. I reply to text messages with Phone calls a lot, that way I can focus on the conversation and get it to a conclusion.
Conversation.
survival of the fitness brotha. what are the other options? not date?
You do it anyways. Power through it until you meet someone that is OK with long periods of no contact. Dating is and always has been a numbers game.
I faked enjoying texting while I was looking for someone. When I was six months into the relationship, I lost a phone and said I was happy without it. I waited six years to buy another one, which lasted a few months, and then was lost too. I waited more than a decade to get another one, which I use now and then now, but is mostly switched off [I use Reddit on a tablet which only connects to my home Wifi].
You can communicate that to the person you’re messaging.
“Hey, texting drains me after a long day at work, how about a phone call or a FaceTime on the weekend to chat a bit?”
And if you’re tired, you can communicate that to the person you’re texting too.
“Hey, I had a long day, I got your message but I just need to recharge a bit. Gimme a day or two and I’ll respond.”
You will need to chat a little bit over text so get past initial safety and comfort levels but you can just let them know you’re looking forward to chatting with them on the date.
Also consider this, if you’re so burnt out from work, are you in the right place to be spending energy dating someone?
I’m not a big texter, usually less than 5 texts a day to my GF and two of those are good morning and good night. I communicated my preferences during our first date and she respects that. We talk on the phone every evening for a bit and spend quality time together multiple times a week. This also gives us more to chat about when we do talk. You just need to find the right person with a compatible communication style. Good luck man
It’s the quality, not quantity. I’m not into texting but it is a tool. Drop in a “How are ya” or a really funny (another) kitten video link to a friend once a week. A significant other you meet a lot in person then texting becomes a tool when you are separated by work, travel, or class.
Just be yourself
Communicate.
Set the expectation that you’ll only respond right away in an emergency. Beyond that set the expectation that you’ll respond at specific times, and then stick to those times.
I’d tell girls that I text when I wake up, after eating lunch, and before going to bed, and that’s it. Once the expectation is set, people tend to have less anxiety over me not responding right away.
Its really fuckin funny seeing people in this thread, likely chronic Reddit users, talk about how text-based communication is dogshit and meaningless.
Are you all from the Eisenhower administration? In what universe can you not communicate in a heartfelt and valuable manner via text?
In the courtship phase you’re gonna have to text IMO.
Is it wicked lame? Yes, but I didn’t invent women politics I just observe.