My husband is a big gamer (we’re both in our early 20’s) and it’s what he does on his days off, free time, when he gets home from work. I didnt know about raging until I married him and moved in together. Its honestly terrifying when I can hear him from the other room go from happy and normal to a raging, angry, profane person in only a couple seconds. Ive had conversations about this with him before and how it affects me and he says he wants to stop but he’s not really doing anything to help himself. I don’t want to resent him because of games.
TYIA
I want to clarify that we don’t have kids, he doesnt skimp on responsibilities or is ever violent towards me. Bro just has anger issues ig
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Record him acting a fool, then send it to him. Some people just don’t have a clue how dumb they are being.
I used to rage a lot in my early 20s. Now I’m a much more casual gamer and just don’t gaf like I used to
He has to want to make the decision to change. But for me, quitting competitive games and sticking to single player helped a lot.
Lag does a hell of thing to a man.
Hopefully he will grow out of this. I hate the thought of him fathering a child and acting like this. You and your family would absolutely deserve better. You would expect this type of behavior from someone in their teens. Not an adult!
Easiest way i found to stop getting mad at games.. stop playing competitive online games. If you only have yourself to blame for your misfortunes, there’s nobody to really shout at.
i still call BS sometimes when something is just needlessly complicated or bafflingly difficult, but not screaming into the mic at a 12 year old who may or may not have been hacking/better than me loud. lol.
Talk to him about it. As another poster suggested, send him a video of him doing it.
Often people don’t realize what embarrassing idiots they’re being. Your husband gets caught up in the competitive aspect of the games and his adrenaline gets pumping and he goes overboard. Let him know what he’s doing, so he can feel like a bit of a fool for a brief moment and then rein himself in for the future.
I used to be tweaking behind my pc, let everything get to me. It didn’t even bother me. I’m in early 30s, and now i just tilt my chair back and kick it up. Relax
Is he BY ANY CHANCE playing league of legends? that game by design turns you into a demon.
Be a man,
You’re not allowed to lose your shit
I quit playing competitive games. Im too small of a man to admit my mistakes in the moment and too big of a man just let it be everyone else problem, never going back to League of Legends.
I never needed help with raging at games because I’m not a manchild
Your kids will grow up with that in their home. Think about that.
I’ve never “raged” beyond an occasional swear and “oh come on!” Especially at a particularly hard boss
If you’re getting that emotionally involved beyond some frustrated swears, it’s time for a break. Go take a walk, get a snack, take a long pensive shit, etc.
I grew the hell up, that’s how. It’s not the games. It’s his general lack of anger management. Dude needs to relax and realize that video games really aren’t that serious. That’s how I look at it, and I never rage over video games anymore.
I stopped playing for a few years. Started playing again during lockdown and hear a friend rage all the time. It’s enough for me
Now I get excited but dont rage.
Instead of getting mad “You s.o.b!”.
I’m more “daaang, got me.”
That’s like 12 year old behavior. Someone’s gotta call him out on it.
This has nothing to do with gaming. Lots of people don’t rage while playing video games. Some people have anger issues.
I play football – I hold it together but some guys we play with/against get angry – rage during the game.
It’s anger problems. You can get help for it.
expressing anger is okay if done in a acceptable way. don’t snip at him for being angry. snip at him for how he shows it.
also if you want him to have better control of his anger, make him play through the souls series, the controllers he breaks come out of his budget. If he manages to finish he’ll be cool as a cucumber.
I never raged, but did certainly get frustrated. Eventually I realised that I was spending more time being mad instead of enjoying it. So I worked on shifting my attitude to just enjoy my time. If I’m playing a team based competitive game and someone isn’t performing I’ll just go “oh well, this just wasn’t our round.” If we’re getting smashed by an opponent, again “oh well, this game will be over quickly.”
He needs to put the gamepad down and walk away when he starts feeling like that. People can get frustrated doing anything competitive when it’s not going their way, he’s not an anomaly in that; but he’s not playing a Wimbledon final, he can and should walk away from it.
I realized that I hated feeling angry during the short times I have dedicated to my hobbies, and chose to avoid games that make me feel that way. In doing so, I’ve stopped playing competitive games or games that are difficult in ways that I don’t have the patience to overcome.
I realized that I don’t like being angry – a lot of people aren’t going to feel the same way. A great many people seem to actively enjoy being angry. I never understood it, but it is what it is. I don’t rage, but I do seethe for far too long, and it screws with my sleep and mood in the long term. I asked myself ‘Is this why I love to play video games?’, and chose to take a step back and examine my habits.
He’s testosterone deficient and needs to exercise and get proper sleep and sunlight.
I saw myself getting upset when I would play matches against other gamers. I switched to games like Red Dead Redemption 2. More story driven and can play by myself and at my own pace. If I do play with others online it’s usually co-op where we work as a team against AI enemies. Brought my anger way down.
Things that helped me deal with “gamer rage”:
1. Growing up. Getting out of those hormonal years helps a lot.
2. Playing the most toxic games. It desensitizes you and teaches you that it’s too much effort to be mad all the time.
3. Doing a zen activity while playing games. Just do a soothing activity between games, it helps reset your mental state. Ex. I do miniature painting between matches and it’s very soothing.
4. Taking some time away from the game. Just taking time to cool off and get away from the stressor really helps, whether by laying down, eating, or doing tasks it all helps.
5. Watching others rage. Go on YouTube, watch others rage at games and it should put it into perspective how pathetic it is to get mad at a game, which makes you actively try to avoid that.
Fix whatever issue in his life is making him rage.
He needs to realize how childish it is. Sadly, its probably NOT best coming from you.
I Stopped playing multiplayer games. I’m 41m and at least for me there’s this “I’m not good enough” feeling when I lose at things and I never learned how to properly cope with failure growing up.
The world is so much more peaceful in coop or single player and a hell of a lot more fun.
I quit playing if it starts making me angry, same with other people, I find an excuse to stop playing with them if they start getting too angry.
It’s enough for that day at that point and you’re better off doing something else anyways. Sometimes you just have bad days and stuff pisses you off easily, better to just not play on those days.
Interestingly enough — Fighting games helped me not rage as much. If you lose you only have yourself to blame, and they humble you because when you start — you will suck. They’re really the only competitive game I play now. But I mostly play single player and co-op games now. It’s peaceful and enjoyable.
I love video games but the kind of games I play do not generally engender this kind of reaction. On the rare occasion when a game does, I take a break and pay something else or go outside. I would say try some stardew but I know it’s a poor substitute for a platform fighting game.
I’m not sure how I feel about saying this indicates he has anger issues. You’ve told him that it freaks you out. If he’s not able to stop the outbursts that is indicative of an inability to control how he expresses his emotions. If he’s not able to stop playing that suggests he’s at least a bit addicted to video games. On the other hand, if he was really into watching football and had a habit of shouting at the TV when his team messes up I don’t think this would be seen as pathological.
Sorry I don’t have any more helpful advice.
I used to get pissed off every day playing league of legends when I was in high school, eventually I realized that every time I loaded it up, I’d get pissed off at the other players or whatever it was that was going wrong in the match. So I made the conscious decision not to play games that make me mad, and it really made a big difference, now my gaming is actually relaxing, and I can’t imagine going back to choosing to get mad every day.
I’ve never understood men who get pissed at games. I’ve been annoyed at lag spike or teammates who goofed up, but I’ve never freaked out on them.
I kind of grew out of it, it wasn’t a super regular occurrence, same rate as anyone who gets angry with stuff that keeps failing them, idk, keys lost, makeup not makeup-ing, car broken – also I don’t play any multiplayer games, all singer player, that can matter
Its not anger issues. Its just testosterone.
Men can only get it out through ways like that or lifting weights or similar.
I had to stop playing the games that made me mad, like Overwatch and Rocket League (specifically queueing competitive). It’s different for everyone, but reached a point where I had to ask myself why I was putting my mood in the hands of random people on the internet. If someone’s gonna piss me off I want it to be my own damn self.
What helped me was changing goals. It is impossible to win every game you play, that is a fact, but if you change the goal of each match, you can have your own victory even if you lost. Like, one match, complete an easy side quest. Another, find and use a certain item. Another, get a kill in a funny way. Simple things like that redirect your focus and even if you lost, if you accomplish your quest, it’s a small personal victory, and it’s harder to be mad at that. Eventually I stopped being mad at games altogether. Ofc, it isn’t fool proof, and full losses are inevitable, but my method breaks up the monotony!
Anger management.
Self control exercises
Growing up
Hello, I’m a therapist who has worked in the technology addiction space previously, and still provides training and workshops around technology misuse to professionals and communities.
Other people have pointed this out, and it bears worth repeating. Raging at video games is an emotional processing issue. Several studies have shown that while games do not seem to cause violence per se, they do activate our fight or flight response, and cause our bodies to release adrenaline and cortisol. This creates an environment where emotional regulation is more challenging for some people.
It is also worth mentioning that some people view video games as a “Safe space” to vent their anger and frustrations. This is in itself, not harmful if done in a way that doesn’t impact others. The issue you have raised however, is that it “terrifies” you, which negates the idea of a safe space, as it is clearly impacting other people.
I stop short on giving specific advice on Reddit, but I will give some brief general information.
People who struggle with emotional processing, anger flare ups and violence, tend to find relief and improvement in behaviour in therapy. Many people struggle with emotional regulation, as its not something we’re usually strictly “taught”, rather than socialized to adhere to. Finding a framework of regulatory strategies for someone can be beneficial.
I will also say that I don’t know your personal circumstances. Even if you say he is never “violent towards you”, you also say that his behaviour is “terrifying”. Safety when dealing with escalating behaviour such as raging, for everyone involved is important. I would seek advice from a local professional if you’re unsure, and make a plan with more specific risk and safety factors planned out if you seek to make any changes.
All the best!
Honestly it’s just immaturity, if he wants to change he needs to learn how to control his emotions.
I’ve been gaming since Atari 2600, longer than your boy has been alive. That rage has nothing to do with gaming and everything to do with his own lack of self awareness and self control.
Don’t downplay it, don’t ignore it, and don’t let him tell you it’s a gamer thing. It’s not. It’s inside of him the person and eventually it will come out when he doesn’t have a game to blame
I don’t normally post in relationship forums. So, You shouldn’t listen to me. I’ve made different mistakes. If this was Oregon trail, is this what you want to tie your wagon to? For the long haul?
I had a friend like that. Never changed, definitely was that kid that punched holes in walls. That’s alarming behavior and is not normal for a man. If he can get that upset over dying in a game can you imagine what he’s going to do if you ever make a mistake
I have stopped gaming for the most part. Starting to come back a bit, but when my wife told me that getting mad at pixels and random people I’ll never meet is a huge turn off for her, and that I shouldn’t even attempt to get lucky after gaming.
So with coming back little by little, I have deleted ALL of my fps competitive multiplayer games. My friends that info play with now play co-op games and story driven games and are having more fun. Lots of laughing, jokes, stupid shit. It’s honestly been more fun not trying to be competitive.
The less ego involved one is in a game the calmer one stays.
The more significant ones life outside the games feels, the less one is bothered by ingame failure.
Don’t play LoL, CoD or other games with angry communities.
Let him know and tell him how it affects you. But tell him when he’s not gaming.
I’m a rager but my family keeps me in check. And now, I do my best to keep calm. Went from raging to whining.
Honestly sounds like he just needs to change his mindset. I used to rage when I gamed because i wanted to win. Now that i realize that nothing will come of it even if i am super good at games, its helped me be less serious about it. It also made me realize how stupid getting that upset over a game was when I’d see people freak out the same way i did.
Raging is pretty normal. The way you do it is what separates a lot of people. He just has to find a way to do it non destructively. I just do a sort of blank stare for a few seconds and sigh. I usually play a different game if I feel that’s not enough or just go play with my cat and dog.
He’s way too fucking old for that to be acceptable. I remember when I was about 12 and my friends little brother freaked out in a way like you described and I immediately thought that’s not ok. I’m not sure the best course of action, but if that were my partner it would be a pretty quick zero tolerance policy with immediate intervention anytime I hear him freaking out.
You say you don’t have kids, and that’s very good. I would never allow someone with rage issues to have kids with me. That’s one of the absolute worst behavioral issues of a person can actually have.
I’ve never had to do that for myself or.anyone else because I am not a child and neither are my friends.
This is a really good 20 min video, it goes over some of the causes of rage in competitive games and ways to reduce it. It’s mainly about fighting games but I think it’s pretty easy to apply to other games.
i stopped playing rainbow 6 seige