Im mid 20s. Ive been through a lot in my life.
– childhood emotional neglect
– mental health issues
– childhood sexual assault
– religious trauma and being a part of a cult
– narcissistic abuse
– periods of homelessness
– a broken dysfunctional family who doesnt talk and are vengeful to each other.
Im just trying my best to keep my head above water here. Im a student and single. Feel isolated. How do you do it? I’d love if anyone had any stories of success similar to the themes above to share them, they are really quite encouraging. Blessings
Comments
Therapy
Hi! I’m a therapist. I definitely recommend EMDR, DBT, and IFS as good therapeutic modalities to help you. If you are in the USA you can look on the IFS institute for therapists in your area. Please reach out to any friends and family or find local groups to attend. Community is so so important in healing. Humans NEED connection. 🙂 I hope this helps.
You tell yourself through every incident that if you survived that, you can survive the next volley that comes at you. Repeat that enough, you’ll be invincible.
You sound strong to me. I don’t understand the question.
meet a male therapist
“No man can walk out on his own story”
Men are currently stepping over dead bodies of their friends, wives, and sons all over the world walking toward bullets and missiles to protect the chance for the neighbor’s daughter they never met to build a better generation. You haven’t drowned yet, start swimming.
I’ve been in a similar position before. Honestly, being a student was the best thing for me because it gave me something to focus on and distract myself from what was happening around me. I don’t want to assume anything so I’ll speak from my own experience.
I went full monk mode on studying, and this carried me through. Going to class, assignments, lectures, were my lighthouse in the storm. I told myself, just get through school, get work, and I’ll be alright in the end. I was in graduate school at the time working on my master’s.
I can only imagine if I didn’t have that structure in my life, I would’ve been strung out if left to my own devices. When I wasn’t studying, I spent my time at the campus gym working on staying in shape. It was another distraction.
At the end of the day, I was too tired to give a shit about anything else and all I was doing was trying to get rest to repeat my routine the day after. This was my life for at least three years.
I also made an effort to get to know my classmates and professors. They don’t know this but their academic support became my social network, and that was huge in getting me through those times.
While on this path, timing and luck landed me into a great job right after graduating, based on connections I made while in school, and I’m still working that job today 10 years later, working my way from a lowly student assistant towards the top. Not that money is everything, but not having to worry about finances is a huge relief in life.
Unless you have insurance, therapy will be something you can’t afford unfortunately. Look for community services, or… like me, go to campus counseling. Your school should have some kind of mental health services or hook you up with one.
Taking control of what I can control, and then therapy for the other parts. I was rolling with the punches for a lot of the time before I realized I had a lot of control over my ship. Yes, there were things that I cannot control, and there are always setbacks, but overall I was still in control.
Once you figure out what you can control, and start doing that is when things change. Feeling isolated, while you can’t control how everyone interacts with you, you can put yourself in positive positions with a lot of people. Basically, volunteer, find a sport to play, find a group that does something, lower your guard and talk with those people.
That long list of trauma, work with a therapist and bring the list. Pick where to start, and if you don’t feel comfortable after a couple of sessions move to a different one. You just have to be willing to do the work that is involved with getting that stored.
I’ve been through the ringer, lived in a lot of different areas and according to others seem to be able to handle chaotic and destructive events with the “it is what it is” attitude and wade through it. While I wish things had been different, and I yearn to experience what I didn’t get, I do my best to put myself is positive situations and groups of people that are willing to support me.
WEED…medicate the pain, life is hard and there are no easy solutions for what you have endured…best of luck
We’re on this enormous floating rock in this infinite sea of nothing. Everything about the universe is straight up beyond our comprehension once you start asking the right questions.
So just enjoy while you’re here and don’t trip about shit enjoy your life
Hit rock bottom, realize the only direction left is up
I’ve been through a lot of similar trauma minus the cult thing. I was depressed for many, many years and was incredibly self destructive. I had no role models, engaged in stupid fucking behaviours and genuinely believed I’d be dead by 30. But here I fucking am at 38 with something like a career, a beautiful wife and two amazing kids. Let me tell you what I wish I knew sooner:
You need to write a manifesto.
Kidding. You need to write a journal and really unpack all your shit in there. Lay your entire history out on your page and dissect yourself. Go through everything in as much detail as you want, or be as vague as you want. Who gives a fuck, it’s your journal. Then, you need to read it. Analyse yourself. Find out what aspects of your suffering you’re in control of, and what aspects of your suffering are outside your sphere of control.
Focus on what you can control. You said you’re trying your best to keep your head above water; in what regard?
Mentally? Do a CBT course. Join a support group. Fuck, turn ChatGPT into your accountability buddy if you don’t want other people involved. Just make sure that whatever you do, you give it your all. Your mental health is paramount to a successful life.
Financially? What are you doing for work? Is there something you can do differently in your job to get you a leg up? Are there alternative jobs in your area with a higher hourly rate?
Feeling Isolated? Have you ever had a truly deep conversation with your friends? You’d be surprised how eager other men are to talk about their depth in a safe environment. It’s something everybody craves. Me and my mates used to sit around a dinner table, get drunk, and just talk about what’s going on in our lives and how we can fix shit, or improve our situations. It will bring you closer. It will make you better.
Outside of all that there’s the standard ‘take care of your body’ shit, but I don’t need to harp on about that, you’ve heard it all before.
So yeah, go fucking crush it, and if you need a cheerleader at any time I’ll always be here. I’ve got your back mate.
You’ve got this.
From the poem in the movie The Grey:
Once more into the fray / Into the last good fight I’ll ever know / Live and die on this day / Live and die on this day
I think about this sometimes and it keeps me going
There is no other way but forward. This too shall pass. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway
keep focusing on what you can control like school or work. build small routines and lean into any supportive people or resources around you.
I exist completely out of spite until I die. I don’t want for anything, I don’t want for anyone, I would rather piss on the American dream and live my life on a house boat in the middle of fuck off nowhere. I tend to keep all my successes to myself, unless it’s relatable to a conversation I’m having at the time. Because having people only like you for your success is just fake friends. My family is already fake and abusive enough I don’t need more.
I’m 40 and went through so much (narcissistic abuse, chronic illness, alcoholism), came out of it all by myself, keep going! The more you stand up for yourself, the better you will feel soon.
No compromise with damaged people, cut off everyone and move to the forest if necessary. I did it and it was the best year of my life. Do not trust anyone even doctors.
It’s not really up to me tbh, for whatever I do or don’t do, and however I choose to do whatever I do; time keeps passing. Only thing I do is I keep going, knowing and trusting that one day time, for me, will stop and my battle will be over.
Well, you can view your scars as disfigurements and lament on them, or you can view them as decorations for what you conquered so far.
Therapy helped a bit, but i understand not everyone has healthcare, so I do get why you dont want to invest 100 bucks into something that only maybe helps.
A healthy mind lives in a healthy body. Working out, eating good, being active. Reflect on yourself, but honestly. Look at the plates at the gym, see how you can lift more over time to remind you, that you do accomplish things. Once you are fair to yourself, think about what you could have done better, what the reasons for the situations were and take precautions for the next time.
You have a choice.
Let your list be your excuse for quiting.
OR
Your reason to keep going.
You are never beaten unless you quit.
Been through similar stuff, just taking it one day at a time and holding onto small wins. You’ve made it this far and that means something.
While I don’t have as much abuse in my life I have a lot of tragedy
Heart break, suicides, family drama, my own mistakes that’s I’ve made, got hurt in a lot of fights, loneliness, career derailed, lost jobs, so much debt, jail time
I’m 27 and there were times I didn’t think things would work out
But I’ve said that about a thousand times and I’m still here surviving somehow
I live with my scars and they tell my story to me and me alone and I should be proud of what’s happened since
You struggle, then you struggle some more, and eventually you figure your shit out. Going through a lot gave you an incredible skill set to deal with the bullshit life throws at you whether you have realized that or not. I had my father arrested at 17 after the second time he tried to kill me. Lots of emotional and physical abuse. Have been raped multiple times. I’m 40 now and I finally feel like all the work I have been doing my entire life is paying off. I started feeling that way at 39. It’s going to take you longer and that’s no fault of your own. It’s not fair but neither is life. Don’t give up and let them win. Your biggest victory is making your life so good you don’t even think about them anymore.
For me I can tell you what didn’t work – drinking to blackout every weekend and sleeping around – it got hollow and didn’t fill a need that I couldn’t articulate, took me too long to realise that.
There was no grand epiphany, it was a gradual process of figuring out what I wanted/was missing/who I wanted to be in life and then setting realistic goals, going for them and accepting that it didn’t matter if I failed as long as I kept moving forward overall, more about the process than the results and learning to be kind to yourself.
I fucked up most of my 20’s stopped drinking at 27, got into a bad (in hindsight) relationship – put on a shit tonne of weight (don’t eat your feelings), that ended, had some scary health shit, lost the weight/got into cycling, dated for a while, met my missus and have been happier every year since.
Time and surrounding yourself with good people (even via shared activities you like) helps hugely, we are social animals – even the introverts like me need to be around people sometimes.
20 year old me wouldn’t recognise mid 40’s me.
I lift weights and I don’t think about it
Mate, that’s all behind you. Success is simply getting up one more time than you get knocked down. Anyone who has succeeded at anything has overcome obstacles, they have fought their demons and won.
And there is nothing sweeter than doing just that.
When I was 14 I was asked what I wanted to be by a teacher. I said I was going to join the RAF and I was going to be aircrew. My teacher openly laughed at me. He told me to be realistic. Just over 12 years later I reached a frontline squadron and he received a framed photo of me standing beside a Tornado fighter giving him the double one finger salute with a huge smile on my face. On the rear canopy rail was my name. I enclosed a note saying that the photo was tongue in cheek because every time I struggled, and there were a few, I remembered the people who said I couldn’t do it. So in a way, I had him to thank for my success. Met him years later and he said he kept that photo on his desk for years to remind him never to underestimate a pupil again, and to show his pupils that dreams are achievable. When I applied for aircrew I was told that out of every ninety six applicants just one would make it to a front line jet. One. And somehow, I made it.
I had a stepfather that was physically abusive. A mother that did not care. Siblings who always saw me as less than their brother. I was put in care twice by my so called family. I have had no contact with them for a long time. I care not one jot.
I lost my daughter to suicide in 2022. She was just 25. I now volunteer on a suicide helpline though, just to try and stop other parents going through what I have. There are days even now when I find it hard to get going. I miss my daughter a lot.
What you are feeling is not unusual, you pass dozens of us every day who feel the same as you. There are no magic cures. Just keep going. Go after what you really want.
Best of luck to you.
Worked myself into a coma, drank myself through depression unknowingly. Isolated myself and got lost in my hobbies for a while… Irregular human contact and keeping emotional connections at a distance helped for the longest time. I’d almost thought I had everything squared away.
Then my best friend came along during a tough situation, next thing I know his family is welcoming me like I’m some stray cat they adopted. Boom, mental breakdown imminent. Currently trying therapy. Therapist hasn’t really told me much I don’t already know, but talking to someone who at least seems to listen might be helping.
Me personally, once I get through something I try to think about it, process it, understand why whatever it was happened, what I learned from it, and how to prevent it in the future.
Get some hobbies – I work out a lot, primarily on bicycles. I spend probably 6-8 hours a week on my bikes – a mix of mountain and road riding. Some with friends, some not. You meet people doing your hobbies, make connections, etc. Keeps your mind busy, the exercise keeps your mind clear and your body healthier.
For therapy I’m hearing a lot of good stuff about chatgpt or AI therapy, especially if you’re funds-limited. Otherwise a traditional therapist is a great way to go too.
Keep on keepin on.
Joined the army. Might as well get paid big for the beating life gives me