Handling conflict correctly ? F29 and M34

Hello,

F29 here, I’ve been dating an M34 for 7 months. Everything is going great, I have nothing to complain about. We spend a lot of time together, things got pretty intense pretty quickly, etc. He was raised in a somewhat conservative family, so he has a bit of an “old school” attitude—men should be manly and providers, blah blah blah—but it’s not too bad, and it hasn’t been too noticeable so far. He’s had a few flings and two long-term relationships before me: the last one went very badly, it was a toxic relationship with a lot of arguments, and he doesn’t speak very highly of his ex (but he speaks well of his other exes, so it’s not a general thing). I can still sense that he’s a little on edge about certain things.

We had our first “argument” three weeks ago, over something trivial. We had had a few drinks at a friend’s birthday party, I was annoyed by things he’s been doing during the week, and feeling tired, so I spoke to him a little harshly, and he took it badly, which is perfectly normal. I apologized immediately. There was no yelling or anything, just a pretty harsh and cold conversation for half an hour. Since we don’t like conflict, we defused it that evening, talked about it, and slept on it. We calmly talked about it again the next day and it was okay. He even acknowledged that he understood why I was upset and that it was partly his fault, even if that didn’t excuse my outburst. For my part, I made amends, promised not to drink when I was too tired, and to make sure I said what was wrong rather than letting things pile up and letting my annoyance come out in a childish way. So for me, the page was turned.

To my surprise, yesterday, he told me that he had thought about it again and couldn’t help feeling disappointed because he “didn’t think I was capable” of such a reaction. I was a little taken aback and told him that I wasn’t infallible and that I could have mood swings like everyone else. He said he was well aware of that, but that it was his fault because he had a “tendency to idealize—wrongly—everyone.” I felt terrible because I feel like I’ve been doing a lot for him over the past few months (without going into details, he’s in a deep depression, and I feel like I’m more his support system/caregiver than his girlfriend sometimes, but that’s okay, I do it because I love him), he rarely points it out, but on the other hand, one “mistake” and it’s over, I hear about it, I’m considered as a disappointment.

He used harsh words about the situation and the reason we had argued (basically, he insinuated that I was two-faced and that I had a frivolous side that surprised him because, paradoxically, I am the “deepest woman he has ever met”).

I was very surprised. I felt so bad that I apologized again, saying I was willing to do anything to make it up to him and prove my good faith. I told him it was just a combination of anger and alcohol, but he said, “I have the right to my own interpretation of events and I think it’s about something else than that” in a very soft and calm tone. And then, surprisingly, he confessed that he probably viewed the situation with a slightly sexist eye, that he was naturally suspicious of all women, but that was just the way he was, that was his mindset, and that was that.

I felt deeply uncomfortable the next day. That he was having a hard time with the argument, okay, but I thought the matter was closed. Beyond that, his interpretation of it bothers me, and he attributes motivations to me that were not mine and that seem to be the result of a rather misogynistic interpretation (based on his own confessions, that is). What’s more, we had talked about it calmly and openly three weeks ago, so he must have been brooding over it without telling me until he came to his own conclusions about my personality and my “female” moods.

It freaks me out a little because I’m afraid of walking on eggshells for the rest of our relationship, or just holding back when something doesn’t suit me. Then the “preconceived idea” about the outcome of debates, precisely because I’m a woman, also worries me.

I hadn’t noticed this aspect of his personality at all until now. On the contrary, he often praised me for being intelligent, deep, rational, etc. (even though, well, this term is very often used by slightly misogynistic guys to contrast it with the “irrational and emotional” nature of women, I should have seen that coming).

What do you advise ?

TL;DR : My bf and I had our first argument and he can’t accept it, views me as a different person.