I have been in a relationship for 8 years and in the last 6 years, we have not had anything sexual. I feel very loved, I have support for everything, we talk, play (intimacy), kiss (peck), we get along well in everything, but we have nothing related to sex.
I already cheated on him once and he forgave me, but sometimes I feel like I really want to and I even feel embarrassed to try something.
Has anyone ever experienced something like this?
Note: he is not gay, we have been friends for more than two decades and I have followed several of his relationships.
Note: He doesn’t have any other options, we work from home and are together 24 hours a day.
Comments
Why not talk to him about it? You’re need for further intimacy and closeness…
I would recommend couples therapy. I don’t think that you deserve to live your life never having sex if sex is what you want
The only relationship relationships I ever had were sex wasn’t involved was when I was a virgin, and I knew the men weren’t good enough for me to lose my virginity to
Have you and/or he heard of asexuality? My ex-husband is asexual but attracted to women romantically. It’s a real thing like any other sexuality, it’s just who some people are. No intrinsic desire for partnered sex, even in the context of romantic feelings. Of course at first it can be difficult for some people to figure out what’s going on with themselves or with a partner, and it’s important to rule out anything like health issues, medication side effects, trauma, etc. that might contribute to a person experiencing such a level of physical issues or psychological repression that they truly feel no desire and assume they don’t have the capacity to do so. And on a personal level, as someone who’s struggled with an eating disorder that had serious physical side effects and who also used to have a lot of deep shame about my own sexuality, I remember what it’s like to think I really wasn’t interested when I was much younger… but things changed for me. With my ex, it’s just who he is and always has been. No health issues, no trauma. Sex just isn’t part of romance for him.
Nothing wrong with being asexual of course, but it does make for a lot of difficulties in mismatched relationships. On both sides of the equation. It’s just not a great pairing and can be very lonely and both people often end up feeling guilty. We stopped having sex entirely about three years into our relationship, about a year after we got married, and the next 6-7 years when we continued to stay together until finally separating were entirely sexless. Honestly at that point it was likely a relief for both of us, as I no longer had anything but platonic friendship and familial feelings towards him and the idea of trying to interact sexually/romantically with him was unappealing. We got along great — and still do, we’re good friends to this day — but it didn’t work as a marriage. We’re divorced now, I’m getting remarried next weekend to someone who came from a very similar situation with his ex-wife and both of us very much understand the importance of sexual intimacy in our relationship.
Of course, I don’t know your husband and I can’t tell you if that’s the case with him. Other things need to be ruled out. But that’s one possibility. Do you know much detail about his past relationships, like was lack of sex an issue there too? What is he telling you the reason is?
Edit: You might want to check out the discussion forums over at asexuality.org. There’s a specific section called ‘For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies’ and maybe some of the stories there from partners of aces might resonate or help you figure out what’s going with your husband, plus of course there are plenty of asexual folks discussing their own sexualities and their side of relationship things.
There is a whole sub dedicated to this: deadbedroom
To me this is a just a deep friendship and it is how the last 5 years of my marriage was. It was not enough for me and the lack of intimacy made me really sad.
I am now in a relationship in which my intimacy needs are totally fulfill and it is the happiest relationship I have ever been in.
Could he be on the asexual spectrum perhaps? Maybe something to look into for the both of you. It might be possible for you to maintain this relationship since you have been, but it would depend on how much sexual intimacy you need and if you can fulfill that in other ways if you’re both willing to open up your relationship (just as an example).
It is not normal to have feelings that force you to look outside of the relationship to fulfill needs. Only you know if this isn’t okay for you. Be honest with yourself and trust yourself.
Yeah. Turns out he was gay lol. Secretly and dates women, but yeah. Gay. Or ace? But idk. For me .. gay
No, that would be a friendship to me
It is a thing! I recommend an open marriage if you have an asexual partner. If he’s not into that and you value sex, then you may need to leave. Or wait it out longer, build resentment, and let it fester into other parts of your relationship so you THEN feel comfortable leaving. (I did the latter and do not recommend it)
Nice male friend you have there.
Yeah my partner is ace. Which is fine. I love her and we have a kid together. Sometimes we have sex but usually not.
I do date other people.
He could be asexual.
This doesn’t sound fun
I’m not sure I understand if are you okay with this? Do you want to have more sex? I assume so because you have cheated and want to?
Why don’t you leave? Sex is very important in a relationship for most people. Perhaps he is asexsual. And he doesn’t really have a sex drive. I don’t think this will change. (Couples therapy will not give him his sex drive back if it’s just in his nature which is likely is)
I couldn’t be in a relationship with no sex or even a relationship where sex didn’t happen frequently. I would feel miserable.