I am in my early 30s and although I have all of the ingredients to be successful I tend to get in my own way via self-sabotage.
These are not always huge act of self-sabotage. Moreso it’s me playing with fire when I know I shouldn’t….porn, alcohol, fast food, drugs etc. This character trait has reared it’s ugly head in the form of me blowing multiple six-figure opportunities over the past 5 years.
Most recently, I went sober from alcohol and drugs (besides weed) for an entire year. In that time I spent about 5-6 months of that time doing 5am workouts & meal prepping. In the period of that year I found a new job that was paying me very well…got a nice place and all. Despite that I started drinking, going on benders, and eventually lost the job along with a devastating injury that left me hospitalized as a result of drinking.
My therapist mentioned I have issues with identity that always bring me back to square one. My question is, how did you overcome this despite years (or even now a decade) of the same cycle?
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i have, new haircut, new job, new town, changed my name (took my wifes maiden name)
the trick is to just dive into the character until it feels natural, dont volunteer personal information and do a really bad job of talking about yourself to discourage questions
You’re identy changes as you grow and go through cetian stages of life. I like Eriskon for this (https://www.simplypsychology.org/erik-erikson.html) ad an expectuon if what could be a potential frame of reference.
This will not fix everything, but it can give perspective about what others at your age could be experiencing.
After that, you’re identy is who you are modulated by who you want to be. You can do it for a while, but it looks like you flew too close to the sun and did toouch too fast. That’s ok. No one is dead or in jail, so we’re down not out.
Also if you’re neurodivergent you could mature at a different rate than others. Lord knows I’m 35 and still figuring out my shit. I came out as Non-Binary to my wife this week and it’s been a 35 year old journey to come to terms with that.
Lastly, the only real advice I have: find out what’s feeding you and what you’re hungry for. Once you know these things then you’ll know your motivations which then csnnleqd to identity
Before I begin, lemme mention that you are aware of your vices, which is good. Porn, alcohol, drugs, etc etc aren’t inherently evil but you’re aware of your reaction to them and they can turn into crutches. Knowing who you are and what your weaknesses are is a good thing!
Actually, along those lines, to answer your question – I wouldn’t say I changed my identity as much as I “grew into myself” after 30. I’ve realized now, looking back, that 30 is a good time to start carving your own path, instead of worrying about career markers, relationship markers, etc etc.
I really like who I became in my 30s, and I remember telling someone that as I turned 40 I realized I get to continue to be this person. I hope the same is for you!
Being aware of your vices doesn’t mean you can prevent them. It’s okay to slip up. We’re only human at the end of the day. If you slip up don’t berate yourself.
ACTUALLY, along these lines, I’ve been fighting the urge to watch porn pretty much for a year now. I have slipped up but I don’t let that define me. So, you could even argue, at 40 (late 30s if you wanna get technical) I tried to do something about my vices instead of just let them occupy me after work.
But like I wrote, just being aware of them is a good start. Don’t look at it as day one of back to the addiction – look at it as day one of being stronger than the addiction.
Good luck!
Hello fellow self-sabotager.
I disagree with the other poster. I think it’s important to embrace the core parts of yourself. You have tendencies to do these things. That probably isn’t going to leave.
It’s going to take hard work – but identifying your destructive patterns and traits was THE hardest work.
Now it’s time to get into good routines and identify, as quickly as possible, when those old negative patterns start to creep back in. Identify them as quickly as possible, and squash them.
New rule: fast food 1x per week max. Catch yourself pulling into the drive-thru on Thursday after doing it Monday? Stop, turn off the car, breathe, acknowledge, leave. Take some time to think about your excuses (well I worked really hard today – I deserve this) and go back to your new rule (your boundaries with self).
Boundaries are important – with ourselves and others. Once we build them strong enough with a solid foundation – they will not topple.
There’s no substitute for time – so have patience. Self-deprivation is difficult – but a new name, haircut, location, or job are all temporary fixes to long-term issues. Maybe they can me micro-catalysts – but you know the real work happens inside.
You got this 🫂
You need a feedback loop.
You cannot improve at anything without a feedback loop.
Try martial arts: BJJ or muay thai.
If you fuck around and get drunk regularly you’ll get your ass handed to you.
Just skimming your post, all of these disasters seem to involve alcohol. It looks probable that alcohol is your trigger. That means you’re an alcoholic, and you may never be able to have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I’d say that’s your problem rather than “identity”.
Some people cannot drink. No matter how much they try, if they start drinking, the develop momentum towards binge drinking and all the associated harms. That might be you. Face it head-on, and rule out alcohol consumption– not for now, or for a while, but forever. Period.