This is going to be a long one, but please read it and let me know your thoughts. I need you guys to tell me if there is something wrong with me š
Iām a 33-year-old woman, and Iām at a point in my life where Iām asking myself if this is really all there is. Iāve been in a relationship for 10 years and we have a 7-year-old son. We get along well, heās a wonderful father and a good man. He supports me, heās not abusive, and heās genuinely a kind-hearted person. Weāre like best friends and thatās exactly the problem. Thereās no romance in our relationship anymore and absolutely no sex. I know he still wants it, but I donāt. The sexual attraction is completely gone.
Deep down, I feel a longing for a real & fulfilling life, i have so much dreams i want to make come true. I yearn for freedom, love, passion, and most importantly self fulfillment. I am very sure i won’t be able to fulfill my dreams with him, because he has completely different dreams. But the thought of giving up everything that feels āsafe,ā and our sonās home, scares me.
I keep thinking maybe I should just be content with what I have. Heās a good man and a good father – what more could one want?! And yet, my heart is screaming for so much more.
Maybe itās also important to mention that I donāt have any family who would support me in what I want to do or dream of. So if I go through with this, I really have to do it all on my own.
I honestly donāt know what to do, i feel so bad for wanting to leave someone who hasn’t done anything wrong.
Has anyone been in a similar situation or has advice or thoughts to share?
Edit: typo
Comments
If you leave, do you assume youāll meet someone new who youāll have all the feelings for that you donāt have for your current partner? And that itāll be mutual? Because if thatās your expectation, you may want to think long and hard about making this decision. Things are bleak out there. Iām not saying donāt leave, but if the goal is another relationship vs. other goals and dreams that youād be happy chasing on your ownā¦you may be disappointed.
I am 41 and in the same situation. I started going through my belongings last week and am slowly packing. For me, I can no longer justify being in a safe, but unfulfilling relationship. What does ten years in the future look like with this man?
with great risk comes great reward. if you have a feeling in your bones, you gotta make the move. it’s either now, or it’s 5 years. or 10. but how long do you want to wait? the thoughts you’re having now will continue until you take a risk.
i left a 11 year relationship last year when i met someone at an event who made me feel the passion again, a musician, an artist, a human that makes me feel ALIVE. and everyone deserves that. i moved across the country on a whim and i now have a huge group of artist friends which I’ve always wanted. you have a son, which makes things a bit different as he should come as your top priority in all of this, but if you are passionate about something and want to change, then do it! why not? we got one life to live. may as well have an adventure.
Iām sure you will get conflicting advice but if your partner is a good man and good father I would personally consider trying to solve the lack of romance and sexual attraction within your marriage before just throwing it away. And look for ways you can mutually pursue dreams and goals even if they arenāt the same (which you will likely have more bandwidth for with your son is getting older). You donāt have to settle for lack of passion and love, but perhaps that could be found in your place of safety and commitment.
I think there is a normal disillusion that comes in the 30s and beyond as we settle into choices that naturally cut off other options and can leave us wondering what could have been on the paths we didnāt take. But you canāt have everything and I think itās possible to throw away a really good life for a mirage of vague possibility of something better.
Think about you as an old woman reflecting back on your life and consider what you hope to see and what position you hope to be in then. Make choices that direct your paths accordingly.
Best of luck.
>Ā I am very sure i won’t be able to fulfill my dreams with him, because he has completely different dreams.
I think what the dreams are and what changes they entail is super important here. If your dreams involve moving somewhere far away or having a schedule that doesnāt work with your husbandās, the fact that you have a child together is going to play a huge part in determining whether or not your dreams are realistic and achievable at this point in your life. For example, if your dreams involve moving to another country, itās probably a bad idea (and may not be legal) to do that with your son without your husbandās consent.
Well I wouldnāt do it for the temporary tingles at all. Which it sounds like you want. That ship sailed when you decided to have a family. :/ your character seems a little crappy and selfish to go chase electric D. š¤£ if this post is real it seems kinda like a dude trying to prove women are trash.
I am divorced but itās mainly bc I wanted to be my own person. I already know Iāll never have the life I wished I could have of a friend partnership and building a community together. My story was an arranged religious marriage to someone who only wanted a wife and family for clout with no dad/hubby behavior. Which he is doing now, the divorce made him step up and be a great dad š and eventually heāll find another wife and treat her better than me. Heās not evil he was just running on his crappy cult programming and has learned that failed him. My first mutual love was no contact but it was real, it was true friendship it just didnāt work out for a lot of reasons. And thatās okay.
But thereās other women that would probably do the wifey thing for your hubby. Just realize your motivations. Is it to be in charge of your destiny instead of a sidekick follower or is it to go jump on a bunch of tingle feels. Bc thatās not going to be the greatest quality, itāll be gym bros who have a roster probably. And not the cleanest. I personally canāt get over thinking what came before and if a guy would want me at this age busted up before surgery heāll take just about anything and probably has. :/ just being blunt that grosses me out. Iām not up to the physical standards of the guy Iād respect. I donāt want gross things in any partnerās past. And I do believe you can tell energetically if a guy is nasty or just as self controlled as you are. Itās in their jokes.
Itās not fair to your partner to stay when youāre not sexually or romantically interested in him. By staying, youāre effectively using him while keeping him from meeting someone who would actually want to have sex with him and love him in a way that he deserves.
If your husband is both a good man and father, he’s already a rare gem. Relationships go through highs and lows in terms of attraction and “romance”, but I would suggest at least couple’s therapy first to try and rekindle things.
Have you talked to him about your feelings? How does he feel? Is he suffering from undiagnosed depression? Is he in a lull too? What does he need, in order to help you find what you need?
Maybe try doing an exercise together, like cycling or walking. Challenge yourselves to a fitness class or something like that. If you’re both feeling more confident in your bodies, that might help.
Plan date nights, purposefully dress up, plan a trip that you’re both keen on. Give spontaneous, thoughtful gifts. Make each other dinner and help with chores.
Above all, communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
And if it still doesn’t work, you can part amicably.
tbh i think it depends. given your circumstances with a child + what seems to be a great man and, from what i’ve gathered, a history of you dealing with depression and trauma, this might be your brain trying to get some sort of dopamine hit that might or might not turn out well in the long run
my advice will be, first and foremost, to write down what are the dreams you have, which ones are more important, more doable etc and then speak to your husband and be honest about how you feel like you feel into this routine and there’s no romance and you want more, in order to do better for the whole family
personally, but it might be an unpopular opinion, i’d try to make it work since your husband doesn’t seem like a bad guy, but you need to communicate with him what your needs are, just assuming his thinking and his intentions/reactions isn’t a good way to handle a marriage, especially where kids are involved
Everything is worth a conversation
Sweetie, you answered the question for yourself already. Go be want YOU need to be. š§š½āØ
I don’t know your full siutation but from the sounds of it seems pretty good; just remember the grass ins’t always greener on the other side. It’s green where you water it.
I was in a very similar situation. I felt like life was passing me by. I wanted so much more. I thought about it for years before making a decision. Really trying to figure out what was going on with me.
I realized that after my 20s, once my amazing husband and I had “settled into adulthood”, him and I simply didn’t want the same things for what would be the rest of our lives. There was a fundamental incompatibility that I just couldn’t have seen when we first got married in my early 20s.
I tried to ask for what I needed, and he was mostly receptive, but it simply wasn’t his nature. It was hard work for both of us, and it felt forced.
Eventually, I asked for a divorce. It was a hard decision to make, and I hated hurting him like that, but it was the fair thing to do. He’s such an amazing guy that, after the initial anger and pain, he’s been as supportive as possible. We have children, so he’ll always be in my life, and I’m so grateful for that. He’s still the best man I’ve ever met, and I’ll always love him.
I 100% do not regret my decision. The freedom to do whatever I want (within reason) is completely worth it. I see our time on this planet as the most precious thing and do not ever want to feel as if I’m wasting it.
Iām really thankful to all of you who shared your thoughts and experiences with me – without sugar-coating anything. š I have a lot to think about.
Is this guy as good as he seems? Thinking back to your experience about wanting to learn how to ride a bike, are there other examples where he has arbitrarily made your world small? Do you find yourself making yourself small to fit his expectations or anxieties?
My ex partner chose to do this last year.
Heās started messaging me to say how much heās missing me. In the meantime Iāve met a new partner who Iām pretty sure Iām going to marry. Too bad.