Here’s my current situation, I’m curious how others are dealing with this, or have dealt with this in the past with a partner.
There’s no doubt that my fiancé is a good person, he tries to be a decent partner and really puts in effort in many ways, but he is so bad with keeping a job and saving money. When his father passed away early fall of last year, he left his full-time job because he needed time. Considering we were in an okay place financially, and he still had music gigs every weekend that paid a good chunk of money, I figured it was alright to let him do what he needs throughout the winter. He’s been going to therapy, and is doing about as well as he can with his father’s passing.
We’re now in Spring and he is dead set on making his weekend music gigs and weekly 1-1 music lessons be his only source of income. He doesn’t want a regular 9-5, because he doesn’t feel like he can do anything well enough if it’s not music. I think his self-worth is really taking a hit because he doesn’t feel confident in doing any jobs, and only wants to pursue music—but it’s also gotten to a point where I’m like…he wants to get married next year, we started planning, but how is he going to pay for any of it?? He wants to go back to school this fall, how is he going to pay for it?? We want to take a vacation this summer, and look for a new apartment later this year, how is he going to afford it?? I certainly can’t continue to pay for the majority of bills and groceries.
He asked me to give him two more months to see if his music gigs and music lessons increase which means more money each week, and I agreed.
However I told him if there’s no momentum financially, I will need him to find a steady job. He agreed, and I trust he will look for a job when the times comes, but I’m weary he’d actually be able to keep the job…I love him, but he’s a mess, and he’s not been a good partner financially. I don’t know what the summer has in store for us but I’m hoping to see him bounce back and find a steady job that he can like, but to be honest I’m very weary.
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Yeah, no, break up now. I was married to someone with similar attitudes and financial situations and it never got better, I just became one more person dragged down by it.
I wish more people knew the robust research on how stable personality traits are. It would save people a lot of frustration.
I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship with someone who wasn’t able to hold onto a job. I don’t need a lot of money to be happy, but I do need a partner that can contribute equally to the household bills, and I need a partner that is reliable. I would require him to have a job (at the very least part-time) until his gigs and lessons prove they can provide a stable source of income. Financial irresponsibility is a very big turn off for me.
Date people for who they are… not who they want to be, not who you want them to be.
If someone can’t keep a job and can’t manage their finances, that’s who you’re marrying. Are you OK with that?
If the answer is “no,” don’t marry them.
I would never marry a person like that no matter how nice they were or how good they were in bed. I value my financial responsibility and I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t value the same.
I’ll never forget a woman who posted here a month or so ago… she was upset that she was still the only one with an income even though her spouse didn’t have a job when they dated or even when they married. She said “I didn’t sign up to be the breadwinner” … and everyone in the comments pointed out “yes you did… he was like that when you were dating, and you married him that way, too”.
If you’re OK being the breadwinner, if you’re OK being the only financially responsible adult in your union, then sure, stay with him. If you’re not OK with that, you two are fundamentally incompatible. Financial incompatibility is a major reason couples divorce…. so you’re either breaking up now or later… and it’s more expensive to divorce someone than it is to call off a wedding.
At the very least you need to postpone any deeper financial entanglement (apt., marriage, etc.).
I’m a musician, there have been times where it was the majority of my income but even the people I know who are full-time successful professionals struggle constantly.
I wouldn’t recommend anyone quit their day job for music unless and until the income drastically surpasses what they can earn in a regular job. Even then you can expect most relationships to fail, it’s the nature of such a demanding and unforgiving career.
This won’t bode well and I’m speaking from personal experience. Cut your losses!
Here’s the thing – he can do this and fuck around and not be serious about work because he has you holding down the fort and being the financial rock of this relationship. He knows you’ll bail him out with bills and groceries and rent if he doesn’t step it up, so he has no real incentive to step it up. Do you want to be with a man like that? Have you sat down together and put together a budget based on his current income? What happens when you directly ask him how he’s going to pay for school and for a wedding?
EDIT: Wait, OP, I found your post where you told your partner you deserve to be treated better and he laughed in your face. Also, the porn addiction, not being able to take feedback, ogling other women…ARE YOU FOR REAL. GIRL, GET OUT, HE IS SHIT.
I wouldn’t date someone let alone marry someone without a steady job. I’ve dated serious musicians, and if they couldn’t support themselves with music they had a full time job and did music on the side or pivoted to something else. Your guy lacks direction, ambition, and isn’t even able to support himself. Don’t marry him. You’re going to be his financial support, and he’s never going to get it together. He’s going to tank both your finances. This should be a dealbreaker.
There are plenty of great guys who have their shit together. Don’t settle for this.
Yeah, don’t expect a change. If you work well together and you don’t mind being the breadwinner so he can chase his dreams, then it’s fine. It’s about you two have a similar comfort level with risk (or with how long you’re willing to go in an unstable situation).
I was in a relationship for 9 years where when we met, we were both in school for a career, but his depended on politics to get, and it just never panned out. So he hopped around low level jobs…which I did all the job applications for bc he was a momma’s boy who couldn’t/wouldn’t do anything for himself. It wasn’t the sole reason for breakup, but it was a factor. I’m now with someone who has a more similar view as me on finances and work ethic.
Do not marry him. I was in the same situation for many decades. It wore me down and I lost complete respect for him. Finally divorced him and I’m much better for it.
No, my brother is like this, and the problem is he’s incapable of learning from life and has undeserved faith that things will just work out for the amount of times he’s had to ask my parents for money. He’s never hit rock bottom and gotten his shit together at 50 because he’s such a nice guy people feel bad for him and give him money, even when he’s broke because he’s a dumbass who decides to take his friend’s kids to a concert for $3k total rather than paying his rent. He can’t keep a job because he’s always in conflict with his managers because he wants to do things his way and can’t take feedback that he’s wrong or needs to be doing something else, and he can’t find a career because he won’t try at anything skill based long enough to actually learn how to do it, given he’s tried college 4 times and dropped out after the first semester each time, done 3 apprenticeships and dropped out within the first year, and just keeps floating from one gas station job to the next.
If they’re not making improving it a priority, it won’t get better.
It’s happened to me twice and it’s a headache, as someone who doesn’t have the option to move in with family or call someone up for money in a pinch. They might complain about being broke all the time, but they know, worst case scenario, they have to move in with mom. I, on the other hand, will be sleeping in my car and going back to maintainance contracting, although it might be harder now since people seem more sexist than they were pre-covid for whatever reason.
Don’t stay with someone hoping they’ll change. Just see him for who he is and if his financial instability isn’t what you want for your future, you should walk away
Hello, Musician here married to another musician, and we both work in corporate America.
Most musicians we knew/know in the music scenes we have been in work regular jobs. Everything from social work to engineering. A few people we knew did pursue only music, which meant teaching, private lessons, session work, weddings, or recording, and none of these individuals are well off. I really don’t know anyone that survived just on gigs.
I think you can make an okay amount of money just doing music (maybe 40-50k, maybe), but it’s unlikely to be a lot, and even for that modest income someone has to be really, really intentional and ambitious. There are certainly music careers that are a bit more stable, music teaching in schools, or music therapy, but, again, salaries are likely to be modest. Music teachers can do okay in specific states (Massachusetts, California, Pennsylvania, New Jersey) if they can get a full time gig in an upper middle class neighborhood school.
I would say, you know your SO best. Are they hard working and ambitious? Just because it’s art or creative doesn’t mean they can’t make a living. But, they need to be more ambitious than the average person, and they won’t have access to benefits (unless they become a teacher). That’s why my spouse and I work corporate. I will say, it took us a while to get there, we both worked different gig type jobs for a while, but now we do well. Musicians are creative and analytical thinkers.
But some lack drive, and will use their art as an excuse to not do much of anything, and some (perhaps more than the average population) are struggling with mental illness.
Yeah no. I’m not going to be working my ass off to support a guy because he doesn’t like working. Every person I’ve met like this just bounces from job to job until they land with someone who tolerates that or just perpetually stays in school racking up debt because they don’t want to work. I’m sorry OP but this is who he is. He might get a job for a little bit to appease you but it won’t last. Financial security is important to me. This would give me terrible anxiety.
Being a good person and putting effort into a relationship is a baseline. Similar to financial security. I cannot imagine investing in a future with someone who doesn’t have their shit together in that aspect. Random layoffs happen, but refusing to find higher paying work is going to fuck you over. Gig work and music lessons doesn’t bring much in, especially starting out. He needs to find a stable job and focus on doing that on the side if that’s important to him.
Do you want to stay with someone just because you love them when they do not provide financial security and at this point you’re holding out for change? Even a minimum wage coffee shop job makes a difference.
He said he would find a job. Does he have a Linkedin? Updated resume? He said he would try but is he actually trying right now? It doesn’t sound like a priority to him although this is important to secure a financially secure future.
Gonna be honest here – I’m not willing to date someone who can’t handle adult life. I’m not your mom, cleaner or accountant. If a man isn’t fully formed and functional when we meet I’m not staying in the relationship no matter how nice he is. Nice is the bare minimum and I’d rather be single
I used to date someone that had a full time job and made the same amount I did. He never had any money, was constantly at his overdraft limit. The only reason he was able to contribute to bills was because I made him set up a monthly amount to go into a joint account that the bills came out of. I always ended up bailing him out. When I became single I was suddenly able to start saving even though I was paying everything myself and he went straight back into old habits. And I know this because I was phoned up a year later about a monthly contact lens subscription he hadn’t cancelled that was still going to our old house.
You will forever be paying for him.