I know that quite a large many of us deal with or have dealt with depression to variable means. Progressing into this stage of being an adult sees a great lot of us bitter, isolated, or in situations/environments we dislike or have no control within. Sometimes these environments are prolonged, or we see them coming but our efforts to reroute them leave us caught in a personal paradox.
This happened to many of us in our teens, and early adult years, but; Would you share an experience where you felt like you were actually going crazy, and how that looked like for you internally and externally?
Maybe people would show up to support you, but never hear or empathize what you were going through and worsened your issues.
Maybe You felt as if you were outperforming yourself to achieve things or a way of being that you prefer, but nothing goes right, or everything you do is interpreted completely incorrectly.
etc.
If you have experiences like this, get them off of your chest.
I would like to hear about them, and how you succeeded or failed in overcoming those particular issues, and what the world looks like to you now.
Also, Spring is here~ I want to wish you all a beautiful year
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In 2019 I had just moved into a new city, new lease of life with my then partner with a now golden opportunity of better paid jobs, more prospects. About three/four months into this the pandemic hit. I was living in a grotty terrace house and on one side had some of the worst neighbours I have ever had (bonus, I got to see a gypsy knife-fight on my doorstep and then people try to raid the ambulance) and I have had some _seriously_ shitty neighbours in my life. There was no escape.
I fell into probably the darkest depression of my life, I was able to get up, work .. and that was it, smoked too much weed to compensate. I spiralled bad. Really bad.
Then on the second year of the Pandemic I found out my partner of ten years had been cheating on me for about a year with a colleague but they continued to lie about it, driving me insane. Everything that went wrong was all my fault. I couldn’t go to family because my mother did the same to my dad, I couldn’t go to my friends because they were at the other end of the country.
.. so I did like all men do, I compartmentalized, I ground on. I rug-swept. Eventually it all finally imploded and there I was in an empty apartment, on my own, in a city where I knew nobody. I almost threw myself off my balcony multiple times; I was completely and utterly losing my grip with reality (and generally, I’m a very grounded person).
At peak desperation I thought “fuck it, I’ll try Discord meetups” and from there I met a whole world of other people who to this day I am extremely close to and it helped me realised everything wasn’t my fault and I was a normal, healthy guy. I built on this.
Now several years later? I wouldn’t even recognise who I was.
February of this year. Me n my ex broke up. I got laid off work, and she moved out which let to us breaking the apartment lease cause I couldn’t afford it myself. I wasn’t sleeping, 2-3 hours at most, I was high majority of the time cause I didn’t wanna be sober, I tried to commit suicide when I took acid in front of my friends. That was a very bad night. Probably one of my lowest moments in life. Overthinking every day, wondering what she was doing, if she was sleeping with someone else, wasn’t in good terms with my folks so I was anxious about where I was gonna go live, etc… life ain’t perfect atm but my friends, pets, family have been helping n also hitting the gym again. I still get anxious, mainly cause of my age, I feel like “it’s game over” in having a family, I’m working again so my goal now is get out of debt and find a new apartment and getting sober. Making small goals have given me a better direction that things will be ok but ngl, sometimes I still wish things would just end but that’s just my negative self trying to keep me down. All I can do is keep moving forward.
Yes, think I spend too much time alone.