I feel like it may be the best approach to learn to stay in one’s own lane in general. I usually do this but as someone who’s worked through a lot of their own crap I think this will be hard as a parent around other parents. Not that I will be perfect but perhaps it’s best to avoid calling people out on their crap as I’ve been known for that. What are your thoughts on this principle?
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Unless their crap directly affects you or someone who can’t defend themselves, stay out of it. Don’t interfere. I didn’t have to learn it as it comes naturally.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys”.
In my 30s I figured out that I didn’t want to be involved in anyone else’s drama. In my 40s I became a zealot for avoiding all drama, even when it touched my sphere. It’s a liberating realization.
Unless they’re directly affecting you, your children or are abusive in some way, mind your business. Why cause drama in your life, their life and for your children for no reason? Just becsuee you don’t agree with or like something someone is doing doesn’t give you the right to call them out for it. Everyone is entitled to live their life the way they see fit. I assume people let you live your life the way you want to since you didn’t say people are constantly calling you out but you did say you’re known for calling people out on their “crap”
Yes. Fairly early. One of the greatest gifts my mother gave us as kids was teaching us to mind our own business.
Yes, pretty much my whole life . Within family and friends, immediate circles my philosophy is not my circus , not my monkeys. Unless of course it’s directly hurting me, impacting my life.
With people in general or family I stick with the “let them” and get on with my life.
I grew up in an evangelical church and was basically brainwashed to believe that it was my god directed responsibility to guide people away from their sin to Jesus. I’ve since left the church, but to put it mildly, it’s been a struggle to learn to stay in my own lane. I started to make the change in my late 20s, but I’m still relearning it and discovering new aspects to it in my 40s.
The way I think about it is that everyone is playing a personal game of pick-up sticks with their problems. We can’t see everyone else’s sticks, and when we’re calling people out on their crap, we’re just saying, “Get that stick,” without realizing that the person has a ton of other sticks they need to move first before they can get to that one.
It’s not helpful to try to get them to move a stick they aren’t ready to move. They will react with anger because you’re criticizing something they can’t do anything about at the moment. In some cases, your criticism may even cause them to stubbornly decide to not try to move that stick even once they can, just out of spite.
If you want to help people with their crap, you have to wait until they come to you and tell you which stick they’re actually ready to move. And even then, you have to be careful how you help because they won’t learn the skills they need to move other sticks if you start moving their sticks for them. It’s better to just work on your own piles of sticks and let them learn from your example.
If it doesn’t affect me I don’t care
nobody wants your opinion
Not my circus, not my monkey.
Control issues, such as the desire to control people around you, or events around you, can be hard to overcome. Some people have to eat some humble pie before they get over it, but I’ll bet some therapy could help.
Where is the fun in that?
Yeah – probably 30s and have definitely got better at this into my 40s. I think I used to see it (when I was younger) like I would want to know if I was doing something not great/ annoying, so other people must want to be told if they are too, right? Right??? Uhhh no.
Being a parent is what brought this home to me, as there are so many judgy parents out there, and I fell foul of the breastfeeding zealots, the ‘my child will only play with organic toys’ brigade, and the ‘my girl will only play with boy toys’ (but weirdly that only seems to go one way) brigade.
I realised how crap it feels when people are forcing their opinions on you, or taking a well-meaning advisory stance when you know perfectly well what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.
So now I stay neutral. But it’s hard when someone isn’t doing the same with you, and makes me think how annoying I must have been to other people at times.
There are those of use who enjoy following. To you, I say have a lovely life, filled with many wonderful things.
There are those of us who refuse to follow, but are not interested in leading. To you, I say the same.
There are those of us who blaze trails for others to walk in their footsteps. Not leaders, not followers, and not loners. These few move us forward, to you I say thanks.
Then there are those of us who lead. They use their strength to move us in the right direction. They show us the way. To them, I say… Yo, you’re doing it wrong, get out of my way!
Staying in your own lane is for the followers. We’re not all followers. There’s certainly nothing wrong with it… But without leaders and trailblazers, we stand still.
Something that has saved me is:
Not my circus…
If it doesn’t concern me, my family, or my friends, it’s not my circus. I wish I had known about it earlier in life. I’ve spent too much energy on things I couldn’t control.