CN: discussion of rape
A few hours ago I learned through an unofficial women’s alumni group of another horrifying rape and coverup at a small college I attended 20 years ago. I was raped in my first ten days as a freshman and disbelieved when I reported. At the time I was so young and naive I accepted I was the problem and was effectively silenced. After two years my PTSD became so bad that I couldn’t keep up with my work and I was kicked out. This recent case I learned of today has similarities to my own story but is if anything worse.
I am eight months pregnant with my first child, a daughter. I was talking about this just now with my husband and suddenly thought about how I would handle it if my daughter were assaulted and I fucking lost it. I think I would lose my mind.
I have therapy tomorrow thank God but I’m really shaken. Twenty years on and it can still hit you like a kick in the ribs.
If there are other survivor parents in here, how do you stay sane? How do you keep from making your trauma your child’s burden? How do you get over trusting caregivers, teachers, doctors, friends? I’m melting down right now, please be kind.
Comments
I know the feeling all too well. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
We keep our circle small and only do sleep overs with grandparents. Unfortunately there is only so much you can do to prevent it without hurting her chances for socialization. You can help her by respecting her no’s and asking for permission before you pick her up/hug/kiss and making others respect her boundaries as well.
You teach her about consent and body boundaries. There are a lot of children’s books on the subject. ‘The ABCs of Consent’ ‘Your Body Belongs to You’ and ‘Let’s Talk About Body Boundaries, Consent & Respect’
Check out the author Gabor Maté for yourself. He has a lot of really great insight on how ptsd affects your body as well as your mind. ‘When the Body Says No’ and ‘The Myth of Normal’ are two I really like.
To a degree, you don’t – I am that child.
My mother was raped, more than once, by different men at different times, one leaving her for dead after choking her unconscious.
She was unable to fully heal from the traumas.
But! She surrounded herself with trusted women, was honest (and age appropriately) open about her experiences.
She taught me to be aware of my surroundings and pay attention to that inner voice.
She taught me practical things (always have enough money to call for help, taxi to a safe place, or for a soda in a well-lit cafe).
She made it clear she would always come get me, no matter what time of day or night, if I felt unsafe – and if anything learned in such a situation was uncovered (drinking at a party, sneaking out, etc), it would not be discussed until the next day. This was extended to my friends.
She taught me to lock doors and windows, check under the car and the back seat, be sure someone knows where I’m going and with who.
She made scary things, like a peeping tom, less scary (by tossing a lot firecracker out the window above his head).
Written out, it sounds depressing – but it didn’t feel that way, it felt like protection.. for her and me.
It is partially my burden, as any trauma those that came before us is- but she managed as best she could and worked to ensure I had a safety net of family and friends, and a (at least partial) understanding of how the experiences still affected her.
I am furious on your behalf; I am furious that Chico state doesn’t give a fuk about gang rape and rape in general. My middle day was raped there and they treated her like shiet, fuk . I am so sorry and I support you.
Educate your daughter give her strength and autonomy; let her say NO!!!