Having an ex as a friend is a green flag

r/

Conventional wisdom is generally that someone who’s friends with their ex is still hung up on said ex. Certainly true in some cases. But if you are over, say… 30 (random benchmark, don’t kill me) and don’t have any relationships with an ex, I wonder…

  • have you never developed emotional intimacy?
  • have you developed but later destroyed emotional intimacy?
  • have you developed, maintained, but then simply made a conscious decision to walk away from emotional intimacy?

Loving someone and still being able to recognize they aren’t your “soul mate” takes strength, honesty, and self-awareness. Being able to give someone the grace required come through a breakup with love intact is a massive indicator of character and patience. Standing by a friend in the face of future jealousies demonstrates an especially robust kind of loyalty. These are all qualities I would want in a partner.

Someone said, “Only date people you think would make a good ex,” and I liked that. If you are friends with an ex, it’s likely you are a good ex, so not petty, jealous, possessive, or cruel. These are all qualities I would want to avoid in a partner.

Green flag.

EDIT:

TIL that a ‘flag’ is not widely considered a form of nuance. I’ve always thought of them as clues more than hard start / stop sort of items, like “oh you like dogs? Green flag, oh you mean for eating? Red flag.” As most have pointed out, the issue is not black and white, and I suppose IMHO this might be more appropriately described as a “promising sign worth looking into further.”

Thanks every one for the contributions. : )

Comments

  1. AutoModerator Avatar

    Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day!

    I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

  2. RainWorshipper Avatar

    Okay but most cases where people are friends with their ex aren’t because of things that are positive like you’ve stated. Most of the time there’s malicious intent

  3. rr90013 Avatar

    Agreed as long as they’ve truly moved on! No more romantic emotional investment and no more sexual tension.

  4. tsh87 Avatar

    It’s definitely a red flag to be way too friendly with an ex. It’s a boundaries issue.

    BUT it’s also a super neon red flag to have no friendly exes at all.

    If you’ve dated seven people over the course of your lifetime, and not one of them would pick up the phone when you call or say hi to you when you run into them, I have to wonder what you did to piss all of them off.

  5. HoneyTypical7645 Avatar

    You sound hung up on an ex lol

  6. Beepb00pb00pbeep Avatar

    Seeing this issue as black or white is a red flag

  7. Scared_Category6311 Avatar

    Yep.. my ex and I have been separated for almost 3 years. We share two kids, so our lives are going to be intertwined together no matter what.

    We’re honestly better as friends than we ever were as a couple. I have absolutely zero interest in him romantically. We’ve both moved on and we are happy for each other.

    It’s made the separation much easier on our kids.

  8. ThatRynoGuy108 Avatar

    It’s a green flag if everyone has moved on, but totally understand if someone has issues from the past that makes it difficult for them to be ok with their new significant other being friends with an ex.

    Everyone has their own reasons and own story. Maybe you realized you’re not compatible. Maybe you share a huge friend group and stay friends to not make stuff awkward.

  9. BuddyBrownBear Avatar

    I’m friends with ALL of my exes.

    Sometimes we all go out as a big group.

    I bring my current wife, and all my exes, and we all hang together.

  10. No-Researcher-4554 Avatar

    depends on the ex. and the motivation for keeping said ex as a friend.

    if the ex is generally a good person and it just didn’t work out? sure.

    if the ex is a walking talking red flag and the person you’re talking to won’t let them go due to abandonment issues or something? Red flag for them too.

  11. HurledLife Avatar

    thats definitely an opinion

  12. BobcatProfessional76 Avatar

    i can see why some people choose to be friendly, but i also don’t think necessarily it’s a red flag to not be friendly. i think either way can be a red or green flag depending on the nature of the situation.

  13. kubrickscube420 Avatar

    No I mean, this is what I thought when I was a teenager and I didn’t have any relationships yet. But staying friends with an ex has never been anything but messy and tumultuous.

  14. HoneyTypical7645 Avatar

    My wife and pretty much every ex girlfriend would NEVER allow this to be a thing lol idk what planet you live on but I also would not my wife or “soul mate” to be in contact with their ex. Tf they coming to the wedding too? Or family bbq? Nope

  15. ElevatorSuch5326 Avatar

    Then why are they always petting each other lol

  16. dreadfulbadg50 Avatar

    I don’t think it matters because its usually not such a simple issue

  17. Forward-Lobster5801 Avatar

    There’s a lot of variability or nuance to such issues 

  18. SuccessfulSoftware38 Avatar

    Together for 10 years, broke up 10 years ago, still my best friend today, with 0 weirdness and no attraction at this point (that took maybe 6 months to die off?)

  19. rmoduloq Avatar

    Beautifully written, brought tears to my eyes, have my downvote

  20. Typical-Werewolf2574 Avatar

    I stay friends with my ex-wife for the sake of our kids cause she see’s my kindness as “a chance” in the future. The moment she stops feeling that, she becomes a terror on custody and makes talking to the kids on the phone difficult.

  21. AccomplishedYoung110 Avatar

    I’m a bit of an all or nothing type of person because once it’s over it’s over. I’m not into the one foot in one foot out sorta thing. It’s be different to say if every break up you had end on a bad foot but being friends? Let’s not. 

  22. Mirantibus88 Avatar

    There a couple ex’s that I dated, but then broke up with because we were going literal opposite directions in life.

    Long distance wasn’t something I was interested in, so when I moved states, I politely broke it off. Stayed friends because there wasn’t any malicious intent, just parting of ways.

    I don’t regret any move I made that cause an intimate relationship to end, and am married and in a spot I foresee both of us working to stay in.

    I have also had some trash ex’s that I would not pee on if they were on fire, so there’s that.

  23. Traditional_Listen28 Avatar

    I’m friends with or at minimum, speaking terms, with all my ex’s going all the way back to highschool with the exception of just one who was abusive to my children. My very closest best friend is my ex girlfriend from my junior and senior year.
    EDIT: I should add (context) that I’m almost 50.

  24. Theseus_The_King Avatar

    I absolutely agree with you. It’s possible for two people to not be on the same page in life but be emotionally very compatible. It’s possible for people to be great friends but not partners. It’s possible for people to realize they want something else out of a relationship. Divorces can even be amicable, and people can amicably co parent too. Maturity is admitting sometimes it really is no one’s fault.

    If one of your ex partners is an asshole they are an asshole but if all of them are either you have shitty judgement which reflects poorly or you are the asshole being the common variable in this.

  25. Federal-Cut-3449 Avatar

    I personally stay away from my ex because he’s an awful person who said we should stay friends and then used that as a way to continue manipulating me and hurting me. I’m friends with my other ex, though. We never got serious.

  26. moldymoosegoose Avatar

    This site is full of salty teens and 20 year olds OP. They just don’t get it. The older you get and the more mature you and your friends become, people realize that you can tell someone won’t work out long term but you can still be friends and it works out just fine. I have an ex as a good friend, my friend is couple friends with her ex and their new husband, etc. People stop thinking it’s weird once you hit around 30 or so and once you hit 40 you start meeting people’s exwives and husbands on a relatively frequent basis and it doesn’t matter at all. I got into a discussion on here about this once and they were very argumentative with me about this and I check their profile and they were in HS.

  27. Correct_Stay_6948 Avatar

    I agree, but I’m also biased because my best friend is an ex. Known her for over half my life, and she’s just irreplaceable as my friend. Helps that my fiancé adores her too and isn’t the jealous type in case I do something outlandish like hug my friend, lol.

  28. CoffeeGoblynn Avatar

    To add to this, expressing to a new potential partner why a relationship didn’t work out in emotionally mature terms is a big green flag.

  29. Electronic-Rutabaga5 Avatar

    Fuck no😭😭😭😭 this site bro what

  30. DK_Boy12 Avatar

    Having an ex as a friend is not a flag at all.

    It is entirely dependent on the situation.

  31. Efficient-Orchid-594 Avatar

    An actual unpopular opinion..

  32. thecdiary Avatar

    its a case by case thing.

  33. j_grouchy Avatar

    Having them as a friend is not the same as being friendly with them.

    My ex and I are friendly, but I’m not interested in spending time around her if I don’t have a reason. There’s a reason we aren’t married anymore.

  34. SlowmoTron Avatar

    op is doing some mental gymnastics not to admit they still hung up on their ex

  35. Successful_Guide5845 Avatar

    Well I think it depends a bit from the kind of situation. If the ex is constantly a presence somehow in your conversations with your partner, or even worse you hear something like “*name of the ex* think this about me and you arguing about that” that’s not my cup of tea, I am sorry.

  36. oakfield01 Avatar

    I think this is situational a lot. Do you share the same friend groups as your exes? Then you need to be friendly, if not friends, with your ex. Unless they really screwed you, you should at least be pleasant if you run into each other.

    But also if you move across the country, many people lose most friends anyways, so why would exes be the exception? Even if not, if you don’t have any mutual friends and don’t want to spend time and energy to be friends with an ex, is that an issue? Why can’t we just respect that some people break it off because they are not a fit, and while they are both good people, they don’t want to hang out anymore? Still be friendly when they see each other in public, but don’t feel the need to nurture that emotional connection (which exists between friends too) anymore.

    I hate when people rave about being best friends with an ex and see it as a huge red flag. You clearly have some level of physical attraction, and you want to brag about a high level of emotional attraction and that you’re in regular contact? That’s a no from me, dog.

  37. Ill-Fortune-7174 Avatar

    If you’re ok with your gf being friendly with an ex you’re just settling. Huge red flag for me, would never accept that kind of crap, but I guess some people can’t afford to have standards

  38. Ryulightorb Avatar

    it’s neither imo i’m close friends with two of my ex’s of 7-9 years ago no feelings there so it’s fine lol but i know friends who didn’t go back to being friends and cut their ex out due to lingering feelings or how awkward it was which is also fine.

    Calling it a red or even a green flag is really just ….. imo stupid it devalues people and who they can and can’t have as a friend and makes a lot of assumptions on their reasoning and who they are.

  39. External-Ad-5642 Avatar

    This is a very idealistic post. Just know, people NOT being friendly with an ex is often a sign they set a necessary and healthy boundary. 

  40. Troutie88 Avatar

    The thing about exes is that they usually earned that title.

  41. Ayla1313 Avatar

    Both my two serious exes I had before my husband would avoid me at all costs. Ones brother tried to kill me and the other one would cry everytime I left to go to my own home and beg me to stay.

    All my less serious exes would certainly say hi if they saw me. 

    I would be the one answering their calls if they needed something. Except the one who’s brother tried to kill me. That whole fam is a hot mess. 

  42. Alarming-Guess-8965 Avatar

    Nah it’s super weird to keep contact w/ an “ex” in your 30s, especially since most are in serious adult committed relationships by then. More likely to be married w/ kids. I don’t even have time to maintain my oldest friendships between, work, wife, and my kid. How tf would I have time to talk to an “ex” especially since we’ve had no contact for 15+ years at this point.

  43. StrongStyleDragon Avatar

    It’s not always so simple. It can also be a red flag.

  44. shadesof3 Avatar

    I’m still friends with almost all of my ex’s. I’ve been to 2 of their weddings. Sometimes you just realize you’ve met a really great friend and that’s all it will be.

  45. Subject988 Avatar

    I dunno that it’s a green flag, but I don’t think it should be a red flag.

    My mom (70) is still friends with her first husband (1/3) from when she was 17 years old. They’re not hung up on each other, they just recognized that their marriage wasn’t gonna work and divorced so they wouldn’t be miserable together. They still grew up knowing the same people. His best friend is my mom’s cousin.

    I am not friends with any of my exes anymore, not because either of us are terrible people, but just because we moved in different directions. I’m still friendly with them. If I see them in public I give them a hug and catch up on their lives, but we aren’t actual friends. Most of my exes were also terrible people when we dated, too. Like I had no reason to try and be friends after the breakup. I had a penchant for druggies and delinquents later turned criminals. I changed who I dated and hung out with dramatically after most breakups, as I don’t typically have my own friends.

    There’s nothing wrong with NOT being friends with your exes. They are your exes for a reason, and not all breakups, or even most, are amicable.

  46. averagecounselor Avatar

    Why would I be friends with two women who cheated on me and one that actively hurt me and was cruel to me when I was at my lowest?

    Based on the comments here not being friends with them is a red flag. Yes one shouldn’t be friends with people who actively hurt them.

  47. throwaway388138 Avatar

    What if your ex spent 8 years cheating on you, took a knife and slashed her wrist when you tried to leave her, left you in thousands of debt while she secretly saved 10k.

    Guess I’m a red flag and I’ll happily be that red flag 👍

  48. RepulsivePower4415 Avatar

    I agree with you on this, it shows maturity. I am not talking about them being your best friend I am talking about being cordial and just wishing them well.

  49. FrontRhubarb707 Avatar

    I get where you’re coming from, but it’s not realistic. But unpopular, maybe idk.

    Very much depends on the relationship, the people, and the terms of the break. Also, the way people took the events in the relationship after they came to terms with everything after.

    If my ex wanted to be friends now, I’d laugh at him and block him if he didn’t leave me alone. My partners ex is only not blocked because we have to co parent with her, but she is an absolute night mare. Some of the things she says and does is straight-up psycho behaviour, and that’s coming from someone who hates the “my ex is a psycho” trope. It’s really sad too because co parenting would be so much easier if the relationship wasn’t spur.

  50. UndefinedCertainty Avatar

    Meh. I think that being friends (like true, close, and platonic friends) with an ex just because you want to be and not due to shared interests (e.g. – kids, business, property) is very rare. In my observation, one person often harbors hopes of getting back together or somehow maintaining knowledge or control of the other.
    It’s important to really separate both emotionally and in practice, and I don’t think a lot of people can easily do that with the other person around all the time.

    On the other hand, if you were to ask if it’s good to be on decent terms/civil with an ex, I’d say absolutely. For instance, if you both were going to be present at an event for a mutual person, it cool to be able to both be there and know you can each enjoy your time without some drama or feeling like you can’t be there, though you also don’t have to talk at all except for hello or whatever.

  51. Paradoc11 Avatar

    I’m not active friends with any of my ex’s but 3 out of the 4 would pick up the phone if I called.   Granted they are all 8+ years back so maybe not, but they would have a year or two after we split for sure. 

    I’d tend to agree with this more than not
     

  52. AmorousFartButter Avatar

    It’s a red flag to agree with someone that while maybe you’ve grown apart, you still had a connection and experienced life together to a degree that you value the relationship and can respectfully deduce that a friendship could be beneficial to you both?

    I believe it’s more of a red flag that a new partner would be incredibly insecure over my relationships with other people and unwilling to trust me. Now if we’re actually talking about a relationship that still involves flirting and more of a FWB thing that only stopped because of a new relationship, then sure.

    But you packing that into a very simple black and white concept across the board isn’t really worth the discussion.

  53. Silver_Scallion_1127 Avatar

    I definitely get this. I dated a girl who had more than 10 boyfriends (we were in our young 20s) and talked shit about them all the time. I broke up with her because I wanted to go to transfer to a college that’s out of state and its nothing against her. She didnt take it well and vandalized my family’s property thinking that I just wanted to be a player at that college.

    I dated a different girl, around 26 or so and we ran into her ex at a bar. They both hugged and introduced me while I didnt know who he was. Nice guy, didnt think much of it and later on, she told me they dated in high school but broke up because they went to different colleges. Still kept in touch a little but not in an inappropriate way. She told me when we got home in case I get upset while we were out. I was totally fine and seems cool they went on their separate ways peacefully. Pretty much how I wish me and my ex ended.

    Obviously anyone can have a totally different experience by running into the most toxic person and it might happen most of the time. But there’s still an opportunity to make it right and peaceful. Every partner is an opportunity to have an experience to see if they’re the right one or the right experience.

  54. sk0ooba Avatar

    I so agree. I’m friendly with almost all of my exes, especially the ones I was with for any significant amount of time. I’m in a group chat with one of my exes and we talk everyday (well, every day there’s NBA or WNBA on).

    My partner and I hang out and go on trips with his ex; his ex and I are very friendly, we have our own friendship. My partner goes to the gym with the ex, I sometimes hang out with the ex by myself, it’s just not that deep. (wording this weirdly because the ex is a guy and I felt like the pronouns were getting out of control LOL)

    Life is not black and white and I would never ever ask someone to cut someone they LOVE out of their life. I’d never let someone try and make me do that either. I don’t believe that love dies when a relationship ends, it just changes. The ex I’m in a group chat with was my best friend before we got together, we had known each other almost 15 years before we got together. You don’t erase all that wonderful friend time when you break up. We’re still close friends, not as close as we were, but I wouldn’t blink an eye at going out for a beer or dinner with him one on one and neither would my partner.

    At the end of the day, it’s about trust. I trust my partner completely and it goes both ways. I know he’s not gonna randomly decide to fuck his ex at the gym and he knows I’m not going to fuck my ex at the bar. If I get married, my ex will be invited and he will come. I will have at least 3 exes on my invite list. If someone can’t deal with that, I’m not gonna marry that person. Luckily I’m with someone who thinks the way I do ❤️

  55. Twootwootwoo Avatar

    Presenting it as a “green flag” implies the POV of a partner or a potential partner. In this case, it might be understandable worrysome. But, in general, and if it’s clear that both parties have moved on, it’s a good symptom, it means that said person is valuable enough to keep around even if the sexual relationship has ended.

  56. JustTryinToLearn Avatar

    I don’t understand how people hold black and white opinions on relationships. If you prefer your partner to be friendly with their ex. Cool. But to make statements like “if you’re not friendly with an ex, its a red flag” is weird, some people who might not have an ex could make for a great partner and people who are friendly with their exes might have some undesirable traits or habits. People are too multifaceted to paint with a broad brush.

  57. royale_with Avatar

    The only times I’ve ever been “friends” with an ex was when we’re were still having sex from time to time. If you can really stay platonic friends with an ex I’d wonder if there was ever mutual sexual attraction to begin with.

    The more adult thing to do is to let your exes go and move on with life. Keeping one foot in the door with an ex is just holding you both back from developing a meaningful relationship with someone else. You can absolutely split on good terms but never talk again. Doesn’t mean you’re enemies, just that you both realize that moving on is best and gives your next partners the respect they probably want.

  58. uglygirllfriend Avatar

    I think it’s ok to be friends with an ex, I do consider it to be kind of a green flag, just because something didn’t work out in a romantic sense doesn’t mean you gotta throw the whole thing out the window. Sometimes two people care about each other and just couldn’t make the romantic aspect of it work. No need to deprive yourself of a potentially good friendship over it. I think it’s healthy to be able to separate yourself from “ex = bad” and just view people as people and go from there.

  59. uglygirllfriend Avatar

    I think it’s ok to be friends with an ex, I do consider it to be kind of a green flag, just because something didn’t work out in a romantic sense doesn’t mean you gotta throw the whole thing out the window. Sometimes two people care about each other and just couldn’t make the romantic aspect of it work. No need to deprive yourself of a potentially good friendship over it. I think it’s healthy to be able to separate yourself from “ex = bad” and just view people as people and go from there.

  60. WotACal1 Avatar

    [ Removed by Reddit ]

  61. Fantastic-Corner-605 Avatar

    There are 9 seasons of a show that say why this is a bad idea.

  62. fragglebags Avatar

    I have no desire to ever speak with my ex or remain in contact but I could easily see other people having great relationships with their ex. 

  63. Careful-Arrival7316 Avatar

    I hope all my exes are doing well. That said, I cut contact instantly. No good can come from keeping that line open.

    Still being friends with exes to me indicates that you can’t let go of something that didn’t work and move along. As if you cannot cut anyone out. No good comes from keeping contact with exes if you’re trying to build a future with someone else.

  64. Opposite-Occasion881 Avatar

    Heavily disagree

    I’ve only dated a single person who was friends with their ex

    They were friends because they couldn’t let things die completely and it made things awkward

  65. welch7 Avatar

    I’m in okay terms with my ex, she’s part of a group of friends, I get mad out of the blue when I see her because she cheated on me, and just make me upset, I don’t even tell her or do anything, I just feel frustrated and tend to leave early when she’s there

  66. frankietit Avatar

    I love my exes. Genuinely. If I loved you once I’ll love you forever ❤️

  67. Silver_Scallion_1127 Avatar

    My ex cheated on me over 15 years ago. It obviously didnt end well and we didnt speak to each other for a long time. 10 years later when we ran into each other, it was a little awkward but I told her I hoped she was doing well. She smiled and said she learned a lot from our relationship. I did too. Overtime thinking about our experience, we were obviously very young and didnt know much. We had an experience together and gave each other a roller coaster of emotions but we still came off better by learning from each other.

  68. Chickadee12345 Avatar

    I dated a guy once for about a year. He was divorced, no kids. But he was still friends with his ex. In fact we used to go over her house to play cards. She had a partner who lived with her. She was great. I had no jealously. People thought it was weird. But I didn’t. They drifted apart after some tough times and decided they still liked each other but were no longer in love.

  69. blitgerblather Avatar

    Yup, that’s an unpopular opinion.

  70. AutistMarket Avatar

    I think being cordial or friendly with your ex is a green flag. Being friends with them is a bit weird, have yet to see a couple who tried to “stay friends” after their break up that didn’t just drag the break up process out and make it worse for everyone involved

  71. Novel-Star6109 Avatar

    gotta disagree. maintaining a relationship with someone you share sexual history with, especially when you are in a new relationship, is weird and disrespectful as fuck. point blank period. the only exception i can think of is if you share children with that person.

  72. Battosai21 Avatar

    Being amicable with them is a green flag. Being friends with them is a red one. You’re not ready to look ahead if you keep looking back.

  73. aj8j83fo83jo8ja3o8ja Avatar

    in my experience it’s healthy and ok in about 5% of cases, and a disaster that eats away at/destroys subsequent relationships the other 95% of the time

  74. Cartmansimon Avatar

    I broke up with an ex 24 years ago. We’re still friends today. I just attended her wedding a few months ago.

  75. moist-astronaut Avatar

    it’s really situationally dependent. my boyfriend lives with his ex girlfriend, i met them while they were still together. the 3 of us are besties, she was one of the people who pushed him to ask me out in the first place. that’s like a once in a blue moon situation though, and it’s a lot more likely for queer people to keep exes in our lives due to many factors.

    i’d consider being friends with an ex to be a “yellow flag”, it can be a pro or a con depending on the relationship you have and the relationship they have.

  76. Fuzzy_Ad9970 Avatar

    If you’re anything more than friendly acquaintances with an ex you probably don’t have enough friends

  77. Tiloshikiotsutsuki Avatar

    This post is a big ol red flag 

  78. eugeneugene Avatar

    I love how black and white people can be on this issue. My best friend is my ex. We dated for a couple months like ten years ago. My husband hangs out with him more than I do at this point because they both like to work out so they lift together. He’s “uncle” to my kid. My husbands ex girlfriend is still a part of his life. She’s married now. I go out for drinks with her sometimes lol. My husband went for dinner with her the other day. You can have healthy relationships with people you used to be intimate with without it being an issue.

  79. CarpeNivem Avatar

    My favorite ex, I would never date again, and in hindsight I’m not even sure how we did, but, she’s also one of my best friends in the world. When we talk on the phone, a handful of times a year, it’s usually for hours. We both went to each other’s weddings. Just because we’re incompatible romantically doesn’t mean she’s not a wonderful person I’m glad to have in my life, and I’d have a problem with anyone who had a problem with that.

    Thankfully, OP’s opinion isn’t that unpopular, but I agree it’s more unpopular than it should be.

  80. NachoQweeef Avatar

    Yeah, no. Fuck all that.

  81. yoobrodiee Avatar

    In a perfect world it would be, but not in this world. If someone has a friend as an ex, it is more likely they have lingering feelings they may or may not act on. Both of which scenarios are not one the other partner would want to go through. It didn’t work out with your ex, move on and leave them in the past.

  82. Woberwob Avatar

    Completely disagree. Being on cordial terms is a sign of maturity and respect, but actively keeping in touch is completely disrespectful to future partners.

  83. don_denti Avatar

    An insta reel away from eating and sucking each other in bed.

    That’s a no from me dawg.

  84. gohuskers123 Avatar

    I would never date a woman who actively hangs out or talks to an ex. Just like I would never actively talk to an ex. I’m cordial but they have no place in my life in the future and I expect the same from a partner

  85. DillysRevenge Avatar

    I burn down the bridge with my ex’s and never speak to them again. Mostly because there was no reason to continue interacting with them. I have actual friends that I’ve had for 30 years instead

  86. Just_Confused1 Avatar

    Saying this as someone who is good friends with an ex, it entirely depends on the individual relationship

    Also the person, some can separate their feelings entirely, others need the space

  87. JumpAccomplished2620 Avatar

    And it depends on the “friends” are actually “orbiters” or “hanger ons.” If they’re constantly used to keep you on your toes then no it’s not a green flag. 

  88. snugglesmacks Avatar

    100%. My ex husband is my best friend. He and my current husband get along great. He just introduced us to his new girlfriend who we like quite a lot. He and I are practically siblings at this point. Glad my husband and BFF’s new girlfriend weren’t jealous, because our friendship isn’t going anywhere.

  89. bakewelltart20 Avatar

    What if he lies (for absolutely no reason) to you- before you were even seeing him? When I assumed his friend was his ex he told me no, she’s just an old friend I’ve known for years.

    Then years later I find out, in a public situation, that the person is in fact his ex, I’m asked if the two of us get on- everyone assumes I knew that she was his ex.

    I felt very stupid. He’s not hung up on this ex in any way, I know this for a fact. There was absolutely no reason to lie.

    That was one of many ‘beginning of the end’ situations.

    We’re all middle aged/older, not teenagers.

    He’s now my ex, we’re not friends.

  90. Shelliton Avatar

    I’ve found that having an ex or two as (even Facebook) friends is typically a good sign (I’m 40). Having ALL your exes as friends or ALL of them completely blocked is typically not a good sign, if that makes sense?

    I live in the same small area that I grew up in, as a result there are a couple exes that I see around, one that I would say I’m close with. I have several exes as Facebook friends and chat with them on occasion. My guy (51) relocated here for work, and he dated around after the divorce, so he sees a couple of his exes around and is friendly. He has a few exes as Facebook friends and chats with them occasionally. We’ve introduced each other to many friends, including exes, and there’s never been any weirdness.

  91. Fine_Vegetable1490 Avatar

    My ex is an alcoholic, deadbeat asshole. No amount of “emotional intimacy” is going to make me want to be friends with him.

  92. BunnsGlazin Avatar

    My wife is the only girl I’ve ever dated that was cool with me being friends with my exes. Every single other girl got upset (to varying degrees), and one even broke up with me because she saw I was tweeting within my ex and claimed I was still involved with her, romantically.

    So, I’m gonna agree. If you find someone mature enough to realize that people can still care for the people they once loved despite no longer being in a romantic relationship said person, marry them like I did lol.

  93. Zildjian-711 Avatar

    50+ yr old gen Xer. Still friends with ex. We have kids and grandkids together. It’s extremely childish behavior to let our personal failures effect the family as a whole.

  94. Frozen_Hermit Avatar

    Imo one of the biggest redflags in a person is if they have a decent few exes and all of them are toxic, manipulative, cheaters, abusive etc. Theres alot of shitty people out there but I have a hard time believing a person who’s dated 10 people got unlucky enough where all of them were irdeemable monsters. What usually actually happened is that person is incapable of having disagreements without turning it into “who’s right/good and who’s wrong/bad?”

    Im not friends with any exes personally. Some of them are good people who wanted different things or “lost the spark” and others I have more negative feelings towards. Those are the ones I refrain from talking about.

  95. the-pigeon-scratch Avatar

    Yeah because everybody is totally transparent with who they are as a person before you date them./s

  96. BelCantoTenor Avatar

    I think this statement makes a broad assumption that being friends with an ex signifies that they wouldn’t create chaos with a former partner. Yes and no. It also suggests that they may have poor boundaries with relationships, or could be indecisive, have weak decision making skills, or not be able to commit to decisions in relationships. Messy boundaries and weak decision making are red flags for me. I think looking at how a person feels and treats their ex is important. But also looking into the other details I mentioned are important too.

  97. masonacj Avatar

    The third. Walk away from intimacy. There’s so little benefit to maintaining that friendship instead of just cleanly cutting it off and not bringing that baggage to your next relationship.

  98. Head_Leek3541 Avatar

    Frankly it comes off as really idealistic. Huge red flag reading this but you do you.
    Only date people you think would make a good ex??? Ya sounds like a longterm thinking stratedgy.. for having more exs. You know what I’m not even going to waste energy on this post. Much like I don’t waste time and energy on an ex.

  99. Commercial_Giraffe85 Avatar

    Mmmm idk

    Being on good terms with an ex is a green flag,

    The being “friends” is a toss up on red or green flag behaviour, so I don’t think this statement holds

  100. kimphomania Avatar

    Someone you had a few dates with and decided it wouldn’t work out: sure
    Someone you had an actual relationship and broke up with after a longer time: out

  101. isnortmiloforsex Avatar

    The real red flag is treating every past relationship as black or white. E.g badmouthing an ex to a new partner, without reason.

  102. chubbyeggplant Avatar

    There is a difference between friendship and friendly acquaintances. If you are pursuing a committed monogamous relationship, you should not be attending to the emotional needs of a past partner, meeting up for one on ones, or taking late night phone calls. Those are things friends do that are not okay with an ex. It’s not about being emotionally adjusted or superior, it’s about having respect for your current partner. Co-parenting is obviously an exception here that deserves some grace.

  103. NotHolyMello Avatar

    Depends on the people. Davud Portnoy is still friends with his ex wife. In fact, she still have partial ownership of his bank accounts 😂 Ballsy!

  104. throwaway6283736 Avatar

    Having an ex as a friend or not is a personal choice.
    Personally, even if the relationship went great, I’ve always blocked and cut off all contact with exes. I don’t dwell on the past and I don’t care if I’m too “weak” to break up with “love intact”.

    If it’s a person I used to love, and who used to love me, it would definitely hurt for me to see them with someone else. I’d be jealous. So why force myself to stay as a friend through something that hurts me?
    It’s much healthier for me like this.

  105. Impooter Avatar

    I would argue that it’s entirely subjective.

  106. Personal-Banana-9491 Avatar

    Amicable split? Sure, that’s probably a green flag.

    Exs cheating on you with your best friend for years, and your friend group knowing but not telling you? No, you don’t have contact with that person anymore, or that friend group anymore.

  107. Bilbo_Baghands Avatar

    Keep telling yourself that.

  108. GringoSwann Avatar

    My ex and I are still friends…  Because we still bang…

  109. VenBarom68 Avatar

    Well then I hope your current/next partner has good relationship with their exes so you can get to run into them and hang out with them multiple times a week!