Deciding whether to forgive or not. We’ve been together 1.5 years.
He (27M) went on a weekend trip with friends while I (28F) was on a week long work trip, both getting back on the same Sunday. Saturday night, he met a girl at the bar and drove off with her to smoke (his friends left the bar separately and drove back to their airbnb). He ended up having unprotected sex with her in her car.
I was at work early, and saw from his location that he was still out but driving back to their airbnb. It was 6 am for me, midnight for him with the time difference. I asked him to give me a call for a minute when he and his friends got back, because it would be nice to hear his voice. He ignored this, and told me the next morning his phone had died. Later, he told me he saw my message pop up while he was having sex with her.
I got home to our apartment about an hour before him on Sunday evening. He couldn’t stop telling me how much he missed me, etc. We had sex. He hadn’t even showered. I feel so disgusting.
He told me on Saturday night that this had all happened the weekend before. He felt too guilty to keep hiding it from me. He also told me he had gone through my phone to try to find any indiscretions on my end- which, obviously, he didn’t. I stayed calm, didn’t yell, just asked him how he could do this to us. He answered every question I could think to ask.
We just signed a lease at the end of May. I thought things were going so well- our communication is good, our sex life is good, we were happy. The only reason I’m considering staying is that this is SO far out of character for him, I wouldn’t believe it if he hadn’t told me himself. He says he doesn’t know why he did it. He was saving up for a ring. He sat both of my parents down before we moved in to together tell them how excited he was about our future. He gets me gifts just because. He writes me cards just to tell me he loves me. He calls me every night when I’m away for work, to ask me about my day. He does the dishes because he knows I hate it. He places so much emphasis on doing the right thing. He’s not this guy.
But, I also travel for work. I love my job- it is a huge priority for me and he knows this. I make good money doing it. I don’t know if I can manage wondering what he’s doing when I’m gone 10-15 days/month. I’m just so disappointed in him and mourning what our relationship could have been, not to mention the expense of this apartment with 10 months left on the lease.
I’ve been staying at my parents’. He keeps calling and apologizing. He’s getting an STD panel today (and again in 6 months), cutting off those friends, and has committed to stopping smoking entirely and monitoring his drinking. He told me he will do anything I ask. I just still don’t know if it’s enough.
Is this worth working through?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
When it involves cheating, you leave the person that cheated on you. You don’t give them a second chance to do it again or basically telling them that even though they cheated .. you’re going to stay with them
Thoughts? No thoughts, cheating should automatically disqualify them.
Me personally no this isn’t fixable or something I could move past. Id also get tested for STDs
I would say no. Once the trust is broken, it’s near impossible to trust that person to not do it again. Mind you, he only left for a weekend and did this. Plus, not only was he unfaithful, but decided to commit unprotected sex during infidelity is disgusting behavior. Last, he didn’t confess until A WEEK LATER?! And had unprotected sex with you knowing he can give you STDs. The level of betrayal is unforgivable for me, at least. A year and a half in the grand scheme of things is not long. Please move on – you’re young and deserve better.
It’s not “out of character” for him. It is his character. He couldn’t even be in a relationship for a year and a half without cheating. That’s pathetic. He must think you are a complete sucker that will stay with him no matter what.
Only you can judge whether it’s worth fighting for since you have all the facts. It will definitely lead to trust issues and the road to forgiveness will be tough for you emotionally, but it would also require hard work and full transparency from his end. No one can tell you whether he is capable of change but if this was a wake up call for him and he truly commits and fulfills all his promises, there might be a way to make it work.
No, no it is not. He can’t be away for one week without cheating? And the fact that he had unprotected sex with her; had unprotected sex with you; and then tried to turn it around to make it seem like you were to blame or were also cheating tells you that he lacks character and respect for you.
Don’t get hung up on surface things like phone calls and dinner or him being the “good guy” because that’s easy to do when he’s around you and getting validation and sex regularly. How do you even know this was the first time? He KNOWINGLY put his dirty D in your V after he had it in some stranger’s V. What does that say about him?!?! And if you forgive him this time, it will happen again, especially if you travel for work and aren’t around to coddle him. Can you live with that?
Cheating is a deal breaker. Cheaters are inherently flawed, not being able to stay loyal to a partner is a character flaw. Dogs know how to be loyal lol. If you stay with him the prize is a cheater. They always intend to cheat they’re just looking for whatever sucker is willing to forgive them over and over. Dump him.
First off, I am so sorry you’re going through this. I understand completely that mourning feeling. To be honest, that’s part of you letting go of this relationship. Your trust has been shattered and when that happens, there’s far little you can do to get that back. Another thing that doesn’t sit right with me was him looking through your phone for some sort of vindication that this was okay. It wasn’t okay and he knows that, he knew that as soon as he took one-on-one time and separated from his friends. That’s pretty much the exact point he started cheating. He may have been flirty around his friends, but that was the step too far. Don’t give him the benefit of the doubt, you may just end up wasting more of your happiness. It hurts now, but it’s the time to move on.
As far as the lease goes, maybe try working it out with him where he stays there and you can stay with your parents until you get back on your feet. If you trust him to be responsible, it may just be easier to dip out and let him handle things. If he needs a roommate, he can find one. Otherwise, you may get more strapped than you thought on this lease. You could also talk to the leasing office/building manager to see if there’s anything you can do to pay out of your share of the lease? Could be an easier alternative
You are NOT obligated to forgive him or move past this. Personally I recommend cutting all ties. Even if he is truly sorry and does do anything you ask, this shit just burns into your soul.
If you really want to try and make this work, you need couples counseling. There is no single piece of advice we can give you on Reddit to help you forgive him. This is something that is going to take a lot of time, talking, crying, probably screaming, and Lord knows wha else to try and fix.
OP, jeez, babe, I feel for ya. It’s a kick in the gut, ain’t it? But hey, remember, you’re strong and deserve better than this crap.
It’s a wrap for this relationship! He will gaslight you saying you are doing the same thing while you are away cut your losses
He had unprotected sex with her and then fucked you. wtf?!
Has he committed to independent counselling. This was a game changer for my husband.
Apart from the cheating, it was the fact he went through your phone and tried to find cheating on your part too, which is bothering me.
Don’t. It’s not worth it. You’ll never get another good night’s sleep. Second chances are a scam perpetrated by people who don’t want to face consequences for their choices. Better to firmly make this break than drag it out and suffer more to end up in the same place.
> he also told me had gone through my phone to try to find any indiscretions on my end
Buddy isn’t that remorseful if he went looking for something to give him justification or emotional relief from what he’d done.
> he says he doesn’t know why he did it
Then there’s no reason to believe he’ll avoid doing it again. If his reason was “I don’t know,” that can happen a million times between now and when one of you dies.
It’s not worth it. If you’re smart, you’ll never be able to trust him again.
If you forgive him you give him a free pass. Men see that as “oh THAT is all she will do?” and weigh the risk/reward
It just depends how bad you want it. Are you willing to risk him doing it again? Are you okay living with the possibility that he could betray you a second time? It all depends on how sure you are of him that he won’t do it again. No one but you can decide that for yourself. Trust will be very hard to earn back but that also lies on whether or not you want this. Actually, it lies on whether or not you BOTH want it. You need to have a conversation with your man and figure out why he cheated. Saying he doesn’t know why isn’t an answer. For yall to truly move forward, he needs to dig a little deeper and find the reason for his cheating otherwise if there’s unresolved issues he’s more likely to do it again. Give him a list of things you want to see from him moving forward, give him ultimatums. If he can’t agree with every single one of your needs for you both to move forward, then leave him. This will reflect how badly he wants to be with you or not.
There are men who will do things to show you that they care about you and also action that they care about you when youre not around by not putting their dick in other women.
Eta: Weed doesnt make you cheat. Neither does drinking. Marry the guy who drunk dials you and tells you he loves you, not this one.
You’re only 27. Don’t force yourself to stay with a cheater, you’ve got plenty of time to find a genuinely great guy. This guy couldn’t even keep the mask on for a year and a half. Who knows how many more times he will cheat on you while you’re away on business… he’ll have ample opportunity, and the distrust and stress will slowly drive you mad. Just make a clean break, so you can heal and start fresh. You can always get a temporary roommate to help with the rent, if you can’t afford the place on your own.
There’s no coming back from this. This is a character flaw that he can cheat. Cut your losses. Break the lease . Go NC.
None of these changes he’s making are addressing why he felt the need to cheat. It is all superficial. Unless he’s open and introspective as to why he cheated and what he’s going to do to address these, then why stay?
Maybe it is unlike him or whatever or maybe this is just the first time he was sloppy enough to get caught. Ultimately, 1.5 years really isn’t that long…
Good luck.
Not only did he cheat, he had unprotected sex, and while that was happening, he saw your message. He didn’t stop.
Also, he went looking through your phone to hopefully find evidence that you cheated, too, to mitigate his cheating. WTF is that?
Unless he has a brain tumor, this IS his character.
So the question I asked myself that helped me decide whether to stay or go was “Do I want to be on a relationship with someone who cheated on me? Will that be a good time for me?”
In my case, the answer was no. It didn’t matter to me if it was out of character or if they had truly learned their lesson & would never do it again, I don’t want being cheated on to be a part of my forever love story.
Take some time to consider carefully what you want.
How would you ever trust him when you travel for work?
He saw your message whilst having sex with someone else and that wasn’t enough to make him stop and rethink.
Hey, so people in your life will have a lot to say, but I’ve been through this, sadly more than once, so I can give you some perspective here.
Basically, you can’t stay with him. There are plenty of people who will talk about forgiveness and working through it, but that won’t work and you’re only hurting yourself by even considering it. Let me show you what forgiveness looks like:
You will forgive him and he will “do the work” with you in therapy and in the relationship. But you will not trust him. You can’t, because he broke that trust. So after a few weeks/months of “doing all the right things” he will start to resent you for still having trust issues and “holding it over his head,” but at the same time you can’t force yourself to trust someone who proved they aren’t trustworthy and who has betrayed you before. This resentment will build and will poison the relationship. Every argument will come back to this. “At least I didn’t cheat.” You will NEVER get this out of your head. Also, once you “forgive” him it’s basically letting him know that cheating is fair game. He’ll do it again. Maybe not for a year or two, but now he knows it’s something that he can do without losing you.
This wasn’t just cheating. Your LIFE PARTNER who you just signed a lease with, made a conscious decision. To have sex with someone else, behind your back. That is disrepectful. To have unprotected sex? He clearly doesn’t give a shit about you at all. And all the “love bombing” that you keep pointing to, to prove that he’s a “great guy” otherwise? LMAO. Oh honey you can’t know this because you maybe haven’t dated this type of guy before but that is WHAT THEY DO. Just over the top gifts and messages and I love you’s and all the rest, because and I promise you this is true – they have cheated before. Most likely he’s been doing this before, or has done other things before and all the gifts are to keep you from looking at the relationship too closely. In fact, I’d be wiling to bet the only reason he “confessed” THIS TIME is because there was a chance you were going to find out. From the girl, from one of his friends, from someone you know that might have seen him. He’s telling you because he HAS TO, not because he’s a good guy. And I’m betting this isn’t the first time he’s been unfaithful.
The real issue is, COULD YOU EVER REALLY KNOW? No. Could you ever TRULY completely trust him? No. Is he going to go out with friends and bang the first available girl once you get pregnant and moody and refuse to have sex with him? Probably. He’s shown you EXACTLY who he is. This isn’t a mistake, it’s a character flaw. Plenty of people make mistakes and don’t cheat. Cheating is a CHOICE and it’s a selfish one. He’s not going to change just because you give him “another chance.” He’s LESS likely to change if you forgive him. Cheaters literally decide in advance “I know I shouldn’t do this but I’d rather get what I want right now and deal with making excuses for it later.”
If you try and build a ife with someone who has already irreparably broken your trust, it can only really last temporarily. The foundation is already cracked, and the marriage will eventually fail. Except if you stick it out, it will be much messier to end in the future. You might have joint property, you might have a child. It’s going to be a mess and it will steal years of your life.
Anyone with self respect would never forgive a cheater. By cheating, he has made himself unqualified to be your partner. This wasn’t a “mistake”. He made a choice with the assumption that he could talk his way out of it. You should not be swayed. It might feel easier to make this work right now rather than sort through a break up. But I’m telling you, the break up is coming whether you want it or not. Now or in 3 years from now. It’s MUCH easier on you to just end things now and find a quality partner, instead of settling for damaged goods.
If you don’t trust yourself, just tell your whole family and parents EXACTLY what he did, unprotected and all. This way they will also support you in leaving him. You deserve better.
As someone who was cheated on 2 months ago by a man of exactly the same character, one who “isn’t that guy”– the truth is they are. The minute they made that decision they are. I left mine and I would suggest you leave yours. There is someone out there who would never ever do something like this to you. He had no care for your heart, your mind or your body. You don’t deserve this– and moreso– he doesn’t deserve you.
Yikes.. I’d run and also totally okay if you don’t want to share but what field are you in that requires so much traveling??? Sign me up!
The worst of it all, is that he doesn’t know why he did it. I would no trust someone with this little self control or lack of self awareness
Why would you want to move past it? You say it is out of character, but you have only been together for a year and a half. There is never a justified reason for cheating. Let alone, sleeping with you unbathed after. It sounds like he hates you.
Bottomline, it wasn’t alcohol or smoking that caused him to do this. He was driving for crying out loud. So, besides cheating, he drives under the influence? No, just no.
This is who he is. Believe him. He may do nice thice things for you, but he also cheats on you. It is not worth it. There are men out there who can do nice things without cheating. Go find one.
(Get tested.)
I don’t personally now anyone that’s managed to get past infidelity. I know people that batter one another with it every time they fight. I know people that re-wrote the relationship based on one person’s guilt and have made themselves smaller for the next 20 years. I know people that stay together for the children but quite obviously have completely separate lives. But I do not know anyone that’s managed to get past it completely.
And at 1.5 years in, he’s still on best behaviour, life hasn’t kicked your relationship yet, if this is the best he has to offer you, move on. Also, never forget that he looked for your infidelity while having unprotected sex with you before he confessed, this man doesn’t care about you at all, only himself. You can do better.
He is that guy.
I’m sorry, I hope you can find a workable solution to things.
So homeboy here cheated, then had sex with you, potentially exposing you to anything he may have picked up, then went through your phone so that he could find something to throw back in your face and use as leverage?
I know it sucks, but you’re so young. I’m guessing you don’t have kids- no major joint property like a house, etc. honestly if you’re going to leave him, I’d do it now, not wait to see if he does it again. Cheating is one thing but at least you can semi- quasi say it was a drunk, in the moment, regretful decision(which doesn’t make it right, but at least kinda makes sense). But the other two things were deliberate and calculated which shows a level of selfishness that he’s not going to outgrow
Absolutely not OP. You don’t get past it, if you stay he will not respect you and will very likely cheat again. Just coming home and having sex with you without even showering after a random unprotected encounter and possibly giving you a life long STI. There is no getting past that, it’s unforgivable. You will never be able to trust this man or his judgement again, as you shouldn’t. And blaming his friend group who wasn’t even there instead of taking responsibility… Just no. Unfortunately he needs to learn that his actions have consequences and to never be so fucking dumb again. It’s also too soon to get tested. Get out now, he’s not the one.
You’d certainly be more than justified in dumping him, and I definitely hear your concerns about feeling fearful while traveling, and the annoyance of feeling the need to police another adult. I do think it’s a point in his favor that he told you himself. If you decide to give him another chance, I’d make him do couples counseling and read Not Just Friends, and make it clear that you’ll be walking if there’s even a hint of funny business, inappropriate texts, etc. Good luck. UpdateMe
nope. nope nope nope nope. it’s one thing to attempt to reconcile after years of marriage and having children, when youve gone through a years-long rough patch or something…but before marriage or kids? before you’ve bought a house? when things are going well? and you travel for work????
save yourself the resentment, the trauma, the pain– because it will happen again. leave.
The reason “I don’t know why” is not a very good reason. He knows why. He made a choice fully aware of the risks and consequences. A drunk person still knows they’re in a relationship. He was attracted enough to her to act upon it. So while he is trying to mend things, saying sorry and buying gifts afterwards doesn’t bring trust. Do you still trust him at all? I would want to know why he gets so attracted to others outside of the relationship and why he acted upon that. And how has that changed now afterwards? Guilt fades, so if you forgive him, and he doesn’t feel guilty anymore, what is keeping him from making thr same mistakes again?
In a lot of cases, the answer will be that nothing is keeping him from doing it again.
Girl.
You shouldn’t have to move past it. What a filthy thing to do to you. You’re allowed to be mad and break up this is unacceptable. You deserve so much better than that. Please for the sake of your mental, physical and spiritual health move on from him. I know thats hard but you have to put you first ❤️
The cheating is bad enough, but he knowingly put your health at risk if he had unprotected sex with her and then you (assuming he didn’t glove up). If he cared for you, he wouldn’t have had sex with you without knowing he hadn’t caught something, especially if he was going to tell you eventually. But trying to search for something on your part tells me he’s not that guilty. He was trying to justify what he did after the fact. This man isn’t husband material.
If you stay, will you be able to trust him again. What’s to keep him from cheating if he knows there is no consequence because you’ll stay. You have no mortgage or kids. You say he’s not this guy, but he really is. And I don’t buy that he can’t explain why he did it. That’s straight out of the cheater’s manual. He likely did it cause the opportunity presented itself so what’s to stop him from doing it again.
Talk to your landlord and see how much it would be to break the lease or if you can sublet the place and get out. You’re so young. I didn’t get married until 30. First kid at 33 and third at 38. You have plenty of time. But please get your on STI panel.
Edit: typo
I’m too old for my games anymore… probably. But when I was your age, I probably would’ve revenge cheated, then dump him after he’s hurt some too.
Now I’d probably completely detach and find someone else.
If you let him get away with this he will do it again to you. If you stand firm and have some self respect and end it, MAYBE he’ll learn something and not do it again to the next GF.
And I get it, what does it matter to you if he cheats on the next one? Idk I guess it doesn’t, but the world would be cooler if more folks cared a little about people who they’ll never know.
The real concern to me though, is you and your self esteem and how you see yourself. Did you do something to deserve this?
If not, then you deserve better than a cheater. Don’t let yourself fall into a routine where you allow people to take advantage of you. You prevent that by cutting ties the first time they take advantage. You deserve loyalty if you are loyal to your partner. Insist on it, there’s zero chance of coming back from this.
I’m so sorry! I know it hurts, that’s some horrible betrayal and it’s really unfair, especially if things really seemed great between you guys.
Now you do you, don’t even entertain my advice here if it isn’t something you might want to do of if you’re worried about safety or anything, but to get over this guy fast and painlessly you gotta get under someone else. A new partner will totally make you forget about the cheater, especially if they’re kind, and have decent conversations, and are good in bed. Maybe a fling, or maybe you’ll meet the greatest guy or gal ever!
I’m just here to point out the fact that he went through your phone to see if you had cheated??? Projection much??? Anything they accuse you of is actually something they are usually doing themselves. Something i wish I would have known before I wasted 30 years on a lying cheeting asshole.
He couldn’t even make it to 2 years without cheating on you. Next time it will be even quicker. There is no fixing this. Tell him he needs to pay to break the lease while you work on things separately then ghost him once he’s paid it. This is the only answer.
The why is he’s a cheat and will do this again. If he does this when things are good what about when you’re heavily pregnant. Postpartum. Out of town for work and he finds himself attracted to the new hire.
He has a serious inability to self control. He had no business going off with her. He went off with one purpose in mind and it wasnt to smoke.
Leave
Of course he’s sorry. He made multiple choices that led to him having sex with someone else (meeting the girl, talking with her, getting in her car, going to smoke, kissing her…) then continued to make bad choices by coming home and having sex with you. At any point in the series of events he could have stopped it. He didn’t.
It doesn’t matter that this seems out of character. You’ve known him for only 18 months, he just showed you his character. It doesn’t matter that you love him or he loves you, if it did he would’ve stopped it or at very least, after the night and trip home he could’ve fessed up immediately and not endangered your health by having sex with you.
18 months “wasted” is far better than 18 years. Don’t fall into the sunkin cost fallacy: you’ve already put this much in so you’ll forgive and put in a whole lot more before discovering what you’ve already learned: you can’t trust him.
I think right now he needs to give you space and time to think about the issue without constantly apologizing. You’ve said you feel it was out of character, he admitted it to you instead of you having to discover it and he’s said he will do anything you ask to fix this, so you should try counseling. I think he also needs to be in individual counseling to figure out why he would do something so selfish and reckless when he claims he loves you. He should be open to the fact that you may be cold during this time and that he cannot complain about any feelings you may have right now but be prepared to feel “attacked” while in counseling. If he is truly sorry for his horrible behavior then he will do whatever it takes to earn your trust back and that’s what this is about, you deciding IF your trust can even be earned back. Good luck with it
Please don’t stay with a cheater after only 1.5y together at just 27yo. You’re setting yourself up for a tough life and serious issues ahead.
You deserve a man you can trust, who cheerleads your life while you cheerlead his, and spends the time you’re away missing you and sending you cute memes.
Once a cheater always a cheater, someone who loves and respects you would never cheat on you.
I’m calling BS on boyfriend being a decent guy. Dude cheated so easily I have a hard timing buying it’s the first time. I’m betting dude realized he fucked up cuz he friends were around and he didn’t come back till too late. He had to be the one to tell to get ahead of the story.
Sorry, you’re 27 and it’s been 1.5yrs, why is this even a question? He rich or something?
First of all – I am extremely sorry for what is happening to you. And I understand how hard it is, painful, heartbreaking, and conflicting. Based on my long life experience, I am 60, I would never be able to forgive a single episode of cheating. However in a few years in my marriage I found out from my ex daughters that he was a serial cheater his whole life. At one point he even had two ‘wives’ at a time and both with three children all in 10 years time. One wife legal didn’t want to go back to her parents with 3 kids, so she allowed it, 2nd wife didn’t care. And in the same time he also had MULTIPLE girlfriends, his daughter has to go to girlfriend’s place to let him know that something broken and he needs to come fix it.
When I was marrying him he lied that he only had 1 wife and no children. Time goes by, he gets abusive and controlling day by day. I didn’t know anything and it was before internet era. There were also a few temporary girlfriends he had children with.
Now before I heard all of this, I never suspected that he was cheating on me too. Once I found a condom in his wallet, he said – how dare you to check my wallet. We never used a condom. He said he just bought it in second hand store and it just was in there, and he thought it’s kinda funny that it was there and kept it.
Then he decided he wants somebody to invest in his business and started going to dates with older widows. At was all over between us at this time. And there were many others horrible incidents.
My point is – they say wife always knows. I had no clue.
Now, there are also some women said it did happened and once, it was hard to forgive and never forgotten, but they stayed together and it never happened again, and relationship got better, but stayed forever. But they never knew for sure, they get better in covering up.
HE is never that guy – the good guy I mean, because he is great in hiding and pretending and playing a good guy. It’s all extremely complicated.
Right now if I would be in the same situation- I would be done with him. Even if it never happens again – or but it will. Once a cheater is always a cheater – it’s a true statement.
I would do – if you can’t decide yet – don’t put more trust in him, don’t invest more emotionally and practically, don’t have a child together and don’t share finances. And keep on watching, but it’s going to be exhausting. Prepare plan for divorce, brace yourself and think only about your pros and cons from now.
So sorry 🥲
So he’ll do anything you ask… except keeping the promise he made to stay faithful to you.
Hm. Interesting.
“Is this worth working through?”
Nope.
Have some respect for yourself, because he clearly has none for you.
The first time you catch him cheating is always the hardest. The more you catch him the easier it will be to get through, the bolder he will become, the more he will do it, the less he will hide it. It’s probably better to love a loyal man than this cheater, but you do you. I didn’t learn my lesson until I lost someone I cared deeply about, but disrespected. I don’t think you can teach boy a lesson without showing him the price of his “night of fun.” Good luck.
Cheating is one thing. I’m not saying cheating is forgivable, either. Having unprotected sex with you after having unprotected sex with a stranger? He had no respect for your health. He just love bombed you from guilt with unprotected sex. Telling you how much he missed you. Think about that really hard. He missed you so much he had sex in a car with a stranger unprotected!
You travel for work all the time. Do you want to live a life always worrying about what he is doing when you aren’t there. Plus, dumping the guys he was with. Why? They didn’t go off with this woman. He did. He made that decision, not his friends. Blaming them is total bs.
You forgiving him is giving him the go-ahead to do it again. Cheaters cheat. Blaming booze and being high is a total excuse, too. Come on, don’t stay with someone because of a lease. That will just give him time to break you down. Saying he isn’t the kind to do this is hysterical because he is the type because he did.
It’s up to you. But he will just get better at hiding it next time. And him looking at your phone to try to put you in the same position as him is ridiculous. When you saw he was out till 6am and the dead phone lie. Please.
Updateme
I’m not gonna read all that. He cheated? You leave. Done
U not suppose to accept but end relationship to start new life
trust is fragile, especially after a betrayal. if you’re considering staying, make sure it’s on your terms. his actions must match his words moving forward. don’t settle for less than you deserve. think it through.
If you forgive him, you’re letting him know what he can get away with in the future. The longer you’re together, the more you’ve invested in the relationship, and the harder it is to break up.
He may wait a while before straying again, just to make sure you’re locked in. Whether you’re engaged, pregnant, etc. This time he waited until after you signed a lease.
You will always worry when you’re apart, that’s not a healthy relationship, and you ultimately won’t be happy.
All of those amazing parts of him aren’t heavier than the weight betrayal. ♥️ Hugs to you.
You two are practically married. If you were married to him and he did this to you, would you tolerate it?
Your life going forward would be better without him. It would be terrible to wonder who he’s doing while he’s traveling for work.
This isn’t just about the cheating. He doesn’t trust you, and he tried to find info to justify and balance his actions. He put your health in jeopardy, and how he handled it after had zero to do with drinking or smoking.
What he is offering to do to help rebuild trust has nothing to do with HOW he handled his poor choices, and I think this says more about him. He has cold feet and he’s implying that him cheating but you staying with him will balance his lack of trust in you while you’re traveling. This isn’t about you, it’s about his insecurity. And that’s not your burden to bear.
Don’t try to move past it. This isn’t repairable. And I’m so sorry it seemed great. His words never represented what he was actually feeling.
I think you should consider that he committed at least 4 separate transgressions here, not just one.
the cheating
the lying
having sex with you after having unprotected sex with a stranger (and not even showering!)
went through your phone, not because you had given him any reason to be suspicious, but because he wanted “dirt” on you
If you have an open phone policy or whatever, maybe number 4 doesn’t apply, but it would piss me off
I think this is a form of assault. He had unprotected sx did not even clean himself then had sx with you if he gives you and std. No sorry it would be the end for me. Leave him. Update me please
Wake up! He is that guy. He’s not the only one who needs a sexual health check.
Just curious, but if this is out of character for him, what reason did he give for why he did it???
I think you have to really think hard about this. Like realistically, do you think you can get over it with time? Or maybe not get over it but get to a place where you can trust him again? If the answer is no, then it’s probs best to end things sooner than later.
My ex had cheated on me (multiple times) and every time we weren’t together I’d get so much anxiety and would constantly worry if he was cheating. It really took a toll on my mental and emotional/physical health.
Maybe it could be different with your situation, if he’s really willing to change. But do you want to marry someone who could do this to you? Idk I just think of it like you have the perfect job to where you could cheat on the regular (of course I’m not saying you’d do that!!), but you never have. It’s like the bare minimum and he couldn’t do that?
Whatever you choose I wish you the best and hope you get the love and happiness you deserve. Take care and hugs. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
It’s not out of character for him, it IS his character..
..which is fucking strangers raw & bringing home his dirty dick to you. Man stabbed you emotionally & then physically.. he’s doubling down on harming you. He consciously made each of those choices, he chose violence for you. Twice.
It took 1.5 years for the mask to slip, but there he is. He’s given you clear insight on who he is & you need to believe him (and leave him).
You can write all these nice things he does for you but he still willingly cheated on you
Nope. No thanks. Yuck. Move on with your life.
All I’m hearing is that everything was amazing and he still cheated. Then he got home and invaded your privacy so he could justify his actions. This is a him problem. It’s not going to just be fixed. He needs to fix himself. There is something inside him he needs to resolve and you staying with him is not going to help that happen.
No, it is not worth working through. Cheating is a character flaw OP. He saw nothing wrong with what he did while he was doing it. He gave himself PERMISSION to cheat. Cheating is a CHOICE he made. If you go back to him, he will cheat on you again. It may not be tomorrow or next month or even next year, but he will eventually.
Also, remember he had unprotected sex with her and then had unprotected sex with YOU!!! He had not one thought about you or your health!! He got off on having sex with you with the same dirty d1ck he had sex with her with. GROSS!!!
Is this really the kind of person you want to be married to or have a future with???
WTF is he getting an STD panel NOW when he already infected you if she had anything??? How stupid! Yeah, I get it, now you will both know but still WTF???
>The only reason I’m considering staying is that this is SO far out of character for him, I wouldn’t believe it if he hadn’t told me himself. He says he doesn’t know why he did it. He was saving up for a ring. He sat both of my parents down before we moved in to together tell them how excited he was about our future. He gets me gifts just because. He writes me cards just to tell me he loves me. He calls me every night when I’m away for work, to ask me about my day. He does the dishes because he knows I hate it. He places so much emphasis on doing the right thing. He’s not this guy.
There are men out there that will do all of these things AND not cheat. Go find one of them. This one has already proven he’s not good enough for you
Once somebody proves that under the right circumstances they are capable of betraying you, that’s who they are with you.
“This is so out of character for him” and how do you know that? How do you know if he’s been lying to you about other stuff? This could very much be in character for him, and you just don’t know it. Sticking your dick in another girl is not a mistake, it’s a thought out action that was probably premeditated considering he drove off with her alone “to smoke” which is total bs. Why is he going to smoke with a random girl from the bar alone? This was a thought out plan that he just feels bad for now, that’s it.
If you don’t leave he will cheat again. You’ll be teaching him it’s okay to betray you, all he has to do is play by your rules for a little bit until you let your guard down again.
What are you going to do? Live a life where you have to monitor his actions and give him permission when he wants to go somewhere?
He cheated with someone. RAW. Then came home and had sex with you without even cleaning up first.
And you are considering staying? Do you hear yourself? He disrespected you in the most awful way. No amount of sweetness will ever change that.
So why are you disrespecting yourself too?
Go ahead and give him permission to do the worst to you, and with time, you will forgive him! Because taking him back will put you in a cucke of just that!
1.5yrs together is not even chartered into the Sunken Cost Fallacy lanes. This is his character, and him rawdogging a random woman and subsequently spraying up your walls, “uncleansed,” is beyond disrespectful.
Furthermore, his snooping on you in attempts to justify and level his cheating should be the finality you need.
Get yourself tested and get rid of him.
Not worth the risk of endless heartache, no. Not only is your fiance a cheater, but he exposed you to possible STD’s, he was going to try to condone his actions by finding similar cheating on your phone (??!!), and his drinking leads to risky behavior. That is a LOT of red flags! Remember no person is 100% bad. Everyone has attributes that we love and that indicate the person is good. But everyone also has negative characteristics and this guy’s are too many to risk commitment for. He says he will ‘do whatever you ask’ because he knows he messed up. But he is not scheduling therapy and won’t unless you ask him to. He does not really think what he did was bad.
I’d be outta there in a heartbeat. You are young, ambitious and have plenty of time to find a man who is loyal and committed. Find him.
Firstly, get tested yourself for STDs and make a 6 month follow up appointment. You are in your 20’s and this is the time to learn these difficult lessons. The saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” is the lesson on the table here. Cut your losses and save yourself incredible pain by ending this relationship now. Otherwise, you will always be anxious about infidelity on his part. Especially given your current work schedule.