I’ve (40f) been in a long-term relationship with someone I love deeply (48m), and we reached a really difficult turning point. We had been discussing taking a big next step—moving in together and building more of a shared future—but when it came time to make real decisions, everything stalled. He started expressing a lot of fear and uncertainty—about giving up his home, making the wrong choice, or things not working out. Even though he knows I’m in a difficult place financially and a move would be both emotionally and financially needed at this stage of our relationship (nearly two years now) And instead of working through those fears together, he asked for space. It’s been a week now since we’ve spoken.
He’s got an avoidant attachment, which helps me make sense of the need for space, but certainly doesn’t excuse it.
Since then, I’ve been left in limbo. We’re not officially broken up, but we’re not moving forward either. I had to make a decision about my lease on my own, with no real clarity from him. I’ve done everything I can to express my feelings and be honest, but I’m not getting the same clarity or reassurance in return. It’s been emotionally exhausting—feeling stuck between holding onto hope and recognizing I might have to walk away from something I still want, simply because I’m the only one fighting for it right now. Has anyone been in a relationship with an avoidant partner? How did it work out?
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Honestly, both of your are old enough to know what you want and he clearly doesn’t want to move forward.
Yes, moving with someone it’s a bit “complicated” because there will be a lot of things you have to communicate about, in order for things to work out.
If I were in your shoes, I would ask myself, what I want? And move forward. At the end you can not change the other person.
I could tell you, go and talk to him, put in table the fears and compromises that both will have to make. However people tend to run the more you push.
He doesn’t want to move forward with you. He’s 48, he knows himself, and he knows what he wants. Or he should, at this stage of life.
You deserve someone who feels certain about you, not someone who is going to ghost you when you start having difficult conversations.
It sounds very much like he’s ended the relationship, he just hasn’t told you yet. And that’s a dick move. There is absolutely no valid reason for this behaviour.
I’m sorry OP. This sucks.
It’s a tough one. But you have to decide how long you’re willing to go along with this lack of clarity. At your ages, 2 yrs is enough to know whether you want to be with someone and it appears he doesn’t want to make that choice. What the reason is, is kind of immaterial: do you want this type of behaviour in your relationship? To not speak for a week is really shitty.
So you are in a bad financial position and you basically are wanting to have him bail you out.. look it’s been 2 years. He is afraid of exactly what is going on. He is going to have to support YOU. He doesn’t want to. It’s a risk for him. I think you should probably figure out your financial issues on your own.
I had an avoidant partner and that relationship went on years longer than it should have. It wasn’t worth the mental and emotional burden of feeling like I wanted to fully be in a partnership while he was reticent and refused to make any big decisions together unless it was easy or convenient for him. One of the few regrets I have in my life is having been involved with him for as long as I was. Now, at 41, I wouldn’t have much patience for a supposed partner to make such a big and time sensitive decision when they’re on such a different wavelength than me.
Avoidant attachment is not an excuse, if you have that attachment style and you choose to be in a relationship you need to work on it. It’s fine if he’s not ready but he just needs to say no and he needs to communicate. If he can’t do that, the relationship will never move forward. You’ll always be unhappy
What exactly do you mean by a move is financially needed at this stage of the relationship?
At both of your ages, you both know what you want. He is 48 is there anything else that needs to be said? I am not saying he does not care for you. However, he clearly wants his own place and space.
Let him go. Be independent.
He’s not that into you if he’s not gung-ho about moving in.
Gain financial independence.
I immediately thought of avoidance and there it was. It is people with attachment disorders’ own responsibility to work through them. But whether his hesitance to move in with you comes from attachment or his own feelings about you, he is not showing with his actions that he is a partner that seriously cares about you and your relationship moving forward.
I think it’s a legitimate fear to move forward with someone who is 40 years old but needs to move in with someone else to make ends meet. I would not want a partner to be financially dependent on me, unless the partner was a SAHP to our kids (whom we have together), as part of an agreement we discussed in advance.