He dumped me because I’m not “good” at household chores, in turn not worth marrying (his words).
Because I added a red piece of clothing to a white laundry load.
Because I forgot to put a sauce bottle back in the fridge before we went out and it spoiled.
Because I “make too many mistakes.”
I live alone. I work two jobs, not because I have to, but because I love what I do. He never supported me financially.
I do just fine by myself. My home is not a disaster. My life is not falling apart.
But somehow, when he’s around, I become hyper-aware. I get anxious. I second-guess things. Maybe I actually make more mistakes. Maybe he just points them out more.
Either way, I start feeling like a complete failure around him.
I’m 33. I know I’m not a mess. But being left over things like this? It made me feel like I’m defective. Like I’m not “wife material” or whatever that means.
And I hate how much that’s eating at me.
It sucks. Because I know I’m not perfect, but I feel so small.
Comments
Well…. You dodged a bullet.
You are so much better without him, especially with the way he makes you feel. Move on, you will be fine without him.
You are doing great. Better off without him. I have lived hyper aware and you do make more mistakes. So those aren’t your fault.
Good riddance. When he says you’re not wife material it means he can’t act like a man baby and engage with his life beyond going to work.
sometimes in this life, the trash takes itself out
Seems like a good riddance to be honest. If he knows how to do it all so well, why doesnt he use that talent to do the chorea himself? What does he brings to the table then?
I feel you. It’s like he’s got this invisible list of chores only he knows about. And yeah, we’ve all been there, adding that red sock to the whites. But really, screw him. You’re amazing just as you are.
If you married him, your life would be worse. You would never be able to please him.
Question – how good is he at his household chores?
Sounds like he was looking for a bangmaid. Bullet dodged.
So he didn’t want to marry a partner; he wanted to marry a free maid.
No no, he clearly had major problems, and as another poster said, sometimes the trash takes itself out.
You don’t want to be “wife material” by the standard definition most men use. Loaded with patriarchal bs and unequal expectations. It sounds like you’re doing really good, and you have your life together. This makes you a fantastic partner, friend, and someone that any man who is “husband material” will immediately see and value.
Your ex sounds like a man child and a bully, err I mean “alpha male”.
He sounds awful. Congrats on avoiding being miserable in a legally bound commitment.
He is not a reasonable or rational man. You don’t want to spend a lifetime with someone like that.
That’s his intention!!! He’s both threatened by you being a self sufficient, successful person on your own! That you can keep up your own finances, house, and life ON YOUR OWN without him!!! The whole “good wife” thing is a damn scam by a narcissist idiot!!! (And some parts of outdated societal expectations) A true partner and good husband will never make you feel this way! EVER!!! Marriage is a partnership, not roles!!! Good riddance that you don’t have this idiot dragging you down anymore!!!
If that’s the best they can come up with for a person that works two jobs they really need to be sent out of town.
How long were you with him? Because it sounds like he completely destroyed your sense of self worth.
If a partner makes you more anxious by their very presence, they shouldn’t be your partner. They should bring joy into your life, not remove it.
He did you a favor.
Take time to yourself and with time find someone who will value you.
Reading this, especially how you love your work and how you’re so independent, I wonder why you even needed such a loser in the first place.
My husband left out something the other day. It was ham (I love my honey ham) and my response when he told me was: “Aw” then I went back to the TV.
You dodged a train wreck.
You are NOT SMALL. If he was so concerned about a sauce bottle, he can put it back.
Mistakes happen, such is life. Let him go find some other OCD woman who is just as or more anal retentive than he is.
You’ve got this, doll, get a better one.
Sounds like he isn’t worth being with. Be very grateful he’s seeing himself out of your life!
Sorry for what you’re going through, but I hope soon you’ll realize you don’t want to be with some that makes you anxious, hyper-aware and that makes you feel like a failure. Yuck!
Try re-framing how you look for relationships. You’re not looking to prove yourself to anyone; it’s not a job interview where you’re desperate for a job. You’re the hiring manager, you get to decide who is “good enough” (ie a good fit for you) to hire.
He obviously wasn’t and sounds like a petty jerk. At least he had the decency to break up with you.
What should eat at you is the time and energy you wasted on a man who wants a bang maid.
What should not eat at you is the desire to be “wife material” because you are human material that can choose to be married if someone comes along that appreciates and loves you and that’s what you both want. Otherwise why bother?
I (briefly) dated that man. Tell him to fuck off. You’ll be glad you did.
If you got anxious around him, there was likely something in your relationship that got you in that state. Maybe it was just a mismatch in your communications styles, maybe he was testing you…
I’ve heard of similar cases and then the guy comes back to ‘try and make it work’, because the whole thing was just meant to break the other person down…
I don’t know if that’s what he was doing to you, but please take care of yourself. Leaving out sauce and messing up laundry aren’t such big problems. Everyone makes mistakes and none of that sounds so awful that he needed to humiliate you for it.
Whatever is going on, it’s not you, OP, it’s him, and he sucks. You deserve better!
As a friend once said, “Good, the trash took himself out. 🚮“
If you had tied the knot, it sounds like this guy would have spent the rest of your life belittling you and negating all the great things you’ve got going on over these tiny trivial issues. This guy always made you feel bad anyway, now you can be free of that noise 🤷🏻♀️
If you felt anxious and self aware, he wasn’t the right person. You should feel warm and loved walking in the door or around him
My exh said this to me too. He was cheating.
The trash took itself out, friend.
You’ve put all this out there. Now look at this externally. How would you describe this man to a friend coming to you to say that they’d left them?
You’d turn the power of the undying sun on him, right? Now, afford yourself the same courtesy.
You’re not “wife material”
You’re a human being who is worth trillions of petabytes of poetry dedicated to your awesomeness.
That dude is a moron, and will almost certainly spend the rest of his life aware he fumbled you.
He’s clearly not husband material if he’s fixated on sauce bottles and laundry.
>
ItHe makes me feel like I’m defectiveFIFY.
It’s very easy of someone to point out your flaws. It is very loving and caring for the same person to love and respect you in return and see the bigger picture, to forgive, to let go and just to … I dunno.. puts it all in perspective on how much you’re doing.
He doesn’t seem to do anything of that.
Not defective, bullet dodged! You sound like you have your stuff together.
He did you a favor, he doesn’t want a partner, just an indentured servant
He valued you as a household servant. You’re so much more. It sounds like he wasn’t a good match for you
It’s not your job to clean up and care for him domestically
He probably felt less of a man because he probably doesn’t even do half of what you do and felt intimidated so he made you feel that way. He doesn’t deserve you. Keep doing you 👍🏾.
Call Steve McQueen – he’s got a rival for The Great Escape!
Holy cow, you really don’t want to be in any kind of relationship with this person. (Couldn’t use the word “man” because that’s not a proper man.)
He thinks he’s interviewing for a housekeeper. I suggest you withdraw your application.
He sounds yucky. I know right now you feel down, but before you know it, you’ll be glad you’re not still stuck with him.
We love when the trash takes itself out. ❤️
>somehow, when he’s around, I become hyper-aware. I get anxious. I second-guess things.
It sounds like you already know the cause, even while you’re trying to convince yourself it’s not you. Rephrase this to match reality: “He makes me anxious. He makes me second-guess.”
It sounds like he did what he set out to do: break an independent woman. And now, job done, he’s looking for the next spirit to crush.
Fortunately he didn’t complete the job! Many of this type aren’t contented until their partner is on drugs from trying to cope with them (prescription — blaming and trying to fix themselves for what their partner does — or recreational), estranged from family and friends, and struggling with work or listening to their job. It sounds like you are still in the early stages — doubting and blaming yourself.
If you are constantly feeling like you are walking on eggshells trying not to set him off, if you are less functional when he’s involved, if his presence or observation makes you anxious, these are all signs of an abusive partner.
I suspect you’ve been held underwater long enough emotionally that you are struggling with understanding this. After all, one of the most common ways to try to deal with abuse is to attempt to control it, by being hypersensitive about potential triggers: “I make him angry, he’s a nice guy when he’s not angry, I just need to not make him angry then we can be happy.”
The problem is, abusive people can’t “just be happy”. They need to be in control. They need to grind you down. They will create problems and blame them on you. There is no level of appeasing then that will fix this, and soon you are a strung-out wreck from trying to tap dance on that constantly shifting ground.
I am sorry you are mourning what you thought you had, and what you wished it was. But I think you will soon find that you are much happier and better off once he’s gone.
So beware! This type often returns to grind you down again if they see signs that you are recovering! It begins with sweet talk and presents — often love bombing! — and before long he’s happily raging at you for everything being wrong again while you wonder what happened and why you are so anxious and unhappy again, even though you are trying SO HARD.
If the very presence of someone makes you anxious (that’s what you’re describing), it’s a toxic and probably emotionally abusive relationship.
I hope you’re out now.
You’re actually better off without that loser. He can do his own household chores if he’s going to be that picky about it.
He did you a favor by leaving. There’s nothing wrong with you. He wants some kind of Stepford Wife.
I’m not good at household chores but my partner is and he doesn’t complain about it unless I forget to pick up xyz cleaning supply. He takes care of all finances while he takes care of the home.
I say you dodged an RPG in your blissful sky.
Drop him since you’re already doing everything alone. His mom can take care of one if he has one, if not, he doesn’t exactly get to “choose” to weaponize his incompetence .
If you weren’t living with him, either he was passing judgement on how you do your own chores in your own house, or you were doing chores for him, whether at your house or his.
It’s easy not to make mistakes if you’re sitting on your ass letting other people do all the work. It makes you an ass when you’re being an ass about how those people are doing those things for you, if they are making legitimate effort.
Sounds like my emotionally abusive ex. Be glad you’re free
What? You feel bad? Sit with it for a moment if you must, but then feel the gladness of one more household task done – the garbage took itself out.
A dummy left you for a dumb reason. You’re going to be great!
You win — now you can set YOUR sights high. Find someone who really does half the workload and doesn’t overreact to accidents and one-off mistakes!!
Girl, take the win. You are perfectly fine. You’re not a mess or anything else. That man is looking for an easily maleable trad wife who does what he wants without question. You dodged a bullet. You will find a man who loves you the way you are and won’t try to make you his perfect ideal.
You escaped a lifetime of patronizing lectures,micromanaging, and confidence crushing conversations. Every day would have been like a performance review session with love being a reward reserved for a good job performance and withholding love a punishment for not doing the chores right. Your life would have been like a 3rd job for you.
Now you are free to pursue someone for whom love is an emotion, and a partner is not a synonym for an unpaid servant. Love that the trash in your life took itself out.
You don’t want to be with someone dangling banal «mistakes» over your head while disciplining you like an atrocious dog owner, anyway. You are not a mess, and part of that is not letting yourself be talked to that way. Now he did you a favour, for once. Go find calm and enjoy not having to walk on eggshells.
Don’t let a man diminish you over something so petty.
You dodged a bullet, working on getting out of a 15 year relationship because I couldn’t see it through my own self doubt that I allowed her to help grow.
YOU are not the problem here!
I know it’s the done thing to shoulder all the blame and accept every negative thing men say about us but I hate it with a passion.
You need to point your anger where it belongs – at the asshole who made you feel like that.
You’re doing nothing wrong, you’re working hard, you’re self sufficient, you’re strong and independent and you do. Not. Need. Assholes. Like. That constantly negating every good thing you’re doing for yourself.
Keep doing good things for yourself – hate the man child who dumped you because you didn’t want to be his fucking mom.
As someone who lived a life of walking on eggshells for 12 years, you dodged a massive bullet. It starts with that and continues with gaslighting, making you feel your feelings aren’t valid, etc.
There is nothing wrong with you, it’s him. Keep living your life the way that makes you happy.
He sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. He kept finding ways to “bring you down a peg” so he felt powerful in hurting you. More subtle than physical abuse, but deeply hurtful and insidious. That’s not love.
You are enough, OP. You are a productive independent fully functional adult. He’s mean. And he was wrong. You aren’t “a failure” because you occasionally make mistakes. You are human. Your head gets too full sometimes and things slip your mind or get by you. That’s because you DO things. Multiple things.
I’ll bet you aren’t critical and demeaning of others like he was to you. Because you just don’t think that way. You don’t experience a feeling of power and ugly glee when someone makes a mistake. He does.
The things you were dumped for are things men minimise and/or dismiss when they themselves do it.
How fortunate for you that he removed himself from your life! I’d be wary though that he will start calling again to “give you another chance”. He crushed your self confidence and oftentimes they do that to make you work harder at pleasing them. He may also have a new woman and if it doesn’t work out then he could try to come back. Do NOT let him!
You dodged a bullet. That is not a man worth having.
Sounds like you unintentionally noped yourself out of being this dudes domestic servant and revealed that as his priority in a relationship without hurting yourself. Kudos. When someone shows you who they are believe them
He didn’t dump you. The trash took itself out. One less household chore to do. Congratulations.
Good riddance. Imagine living your entire life with the anxiety of having left a sauce bottle out of the fridge.
Don’t make this about yourself, you did nothing wrong. This guy is looking for his mother apparently, his mistake.
Dodged a bullet. Well done.
Oh, honey. A good partner doesn’t make you feel anxious, or second-guess yourself — a good partner makes you feel GOOD about yourself, makes you feel supported.
This piece of trash undermined and gaslit you to make you feel weak and lucky to have him. I know it hurts, but he did not love you. Be glad the trash took itself out.
What is “wife material” to a man? Most of the time it’s to serve them, a nameless figure that gets the husbands life together (clothes wash, dinner made).
You’re not defective. I think a lot of guys have this disoriented vision of what they want. They want an independent woman that can’t have too strong of a personality and takes care of the house/ his needs . The wife role is not a role he has to fulfill so he doesn’t care if it’s nearly impossible/ exhausting.
You should celebrate with champagne.
That doesn’t suck, but he does. He is looking for a mother/pet/employee, and that isn’t you. I’d see that as a blessing, cause fuck that noise.
If that was your own clothes you ruined, it isn’t even his damn business.
If you ruined some of his clothes, GOOD, sounds like he deserved it and should have been doing his own damn laundry.
I’m not sure what closed sauce bottle, when left out of the fridge, would be spoiled after a couple of hours. And even if it was, how is that the end of the world, ffs?
My first husband was always looking to find fault with me over stupid shit, because of his own lack of self esteem.
I met my wonderful second husband at 33 and he was kind to me and loved me unconditionally until he passed from natural causes.
Here’s the thing I hope you read the most:
He WILL be back trying to get with you again.
Guys who dump you for stupid reasons often do it to manipulate you into being “better” or they think they have a chance with some floozy and take the opportunity to get some strange and when that doesn’t work out they will be back pawing at your door like the dogs they are.
Do not take him back, focus on how good it feels not having to walk on eggshells all the time.
You deserve better.
I wish you well.
Sounds like you lucked out. Go grab a drink and enjoy your day!
My ex husband was like this in the guise of “making me a better person”
After 14 years of marriage is tore me down so much that I would literally panic clean or pick up while he was in the shower in the morning before work so I wouldn’t get lectured.
I say this, you dodged a bullet. Nobody should be treated like that.
Yeah go ahead and celebrate. Being a homemaker is a learned skill. It doesn’t come naturally to many people but many men think women are inherently born with these abilities. They would have to understand that they too can learn to do their own laundry and clean up after themselves if they admitted this and welp…
OP dodged a missile. u/BurbNBougie
You pick. Stop waiting to be picked. His red flags should have been enough for you to dump him.
Then I don’t think you want to be « marriage material » anyway.
This man is garbage.
Wow! This does not suck, you truly dodged a bullet.
That anxious feeling : it is your body telling you that this man is wrong for you sis. He is the one who is not relationship material, he is not loving.
I hate that he made you feel bad about yourself 😞
You’re very very good at dodging bullets, though! Your asshole filter was set on high and your hyper-vigilance triggered his self-exposure and all is actually well in your world!
Congratulations, job well done. Dust yourself off, go update the
“_____ Days not trapped by a patriarchal monster” sign and enjoy a glass of wine or tea or whatever is your celebratory pleasure right now!
What a horrendous series of red flags.
Um, why are you judging yourself based on ONE opinion form ONE dude? And it sounds like he was not the be-all end-all of boyfriends so why beat yourself up? Rando wants to break up over stupid shit them let him go off and be stupid all by himself in Furthest Fuckoffistan. It’s called a Life and you are busy with yours with no time for losers like this hot mess of an EX. He’s now an EX for good reason and his opinion is his problem, not yours.
Getting shed of dead weight in your Jesus Year is Never A Bad Thing. Block him on everything and consign him to the oblivion where he belongs. You got this! Very big gentle Internets hugs!
Yeah. Learn to love yourself more, go to therapy.
He is a POS. You dodged a huge bullet.
“But somehow, when he’s around, I become hyper-aware. I get anxious.”
Strip away everything else. Your body and subconscious are telling you something you aren’t consciously aware of. This guy doesn’t make you feel good. You’re definitely better off without him. The man you’re meant to be with won’t make you feel like a failure when you’re around him, his presence won’t make you anxious.
Learn the signs of DARVO, the strategies that abusers use. At the first sign, call him out and don’t let him play the victim.
He wanted a trad wife. He was threatened by the fact that you had independent interests and a career that you love, and that you prioritized those things over serving him perfectly.
Everyone makes mistakes, that is totally normal, and a partner would be understanding of that, especially if you lead a busy life.
He didn’t want to be a partner, he wanted to be a supervisor and you to be his employee.
You’re not “so small,” you’re not small enough. You’re “not worthy marrying” to him because you exist beyond just being a wife. Trad wives aren’t supposed to exist beyond the home.
I know it hurts to acknowledge, but he was not a good partner. You made a bad choice. It’s okay, we all do. Everyone has an ex who, in retrospect, was a genuinely awful choice and we can’t understand how we tolerated him. It might take some time, but I hope you come to see this situation with that clarity.
You said yourself that he made you feel anxious and hyper aware. He made you not trust yourself. That’s not a healthy relationship.
He was looking for a house servant he could have sex with, not a romantic partner. Best to get away from that.
He dumped you because he wanted you (and you alone) to do EVERYTHING perfectly.
One of the best lessons I’ve learned is just because someone says something about you, doesn’t mean it’s true.
And I’ve felt under a microscope like that too, it’s definitely your nervous system picking up on things that your brain hasn’t caught onto yet. This situation would only escalate and you would continue to feel worse. Congratulations on dodging a bullet!
He’s not the one. You said it yourself. He makes you more anxious. “The one” wouldn’t do that. Bullet dodged.
Not being “wife material”? Oh heaven forfend!! <places back of wrist on forehead> Whatever shall you DO?? 🤣🤣🤣
He did you a HUGE favour. It might not seem like it right now, but you’ll see that in time. By ‘failing’ his test you’ve got yourself out of a lifetime of serving him and doing the huge majority of domestic labour for little or no reward
He wanted a bangmaid
He’s the one who isn’t worth marrying! You dodged a giant, man shaped bullet.
Please stop giving mediocre men a chance. You really dodged a bullet.
He’s not husband material, he’s a spoiled, selfish, immature boy in a man’s body.
It’s hard to move beyond simple categorizations of good or bad, right or wrong, great or small. It’s how we process the world as kids, a way to understand the world quickly and survive. And there’s no guarantee that people will grow out of it as adults. (The word “great” is a recent example of the trend lasting well into retirement age.)
It sounds like this jackass disqualified you over small mistakes making you less than his polarized definition of “right”, “functioning”, or “wife material”. But more important than any kind of ideological purity is the direction your life is going.
That can be hard to feel when the innate need for a partner or social group is threatened. Fight or flight can take over, leaving logic in the back seat and making the current danger extend to what you remember and your predictions for the future.
There are events out there that will remove your capacity to change or grow. But this doesn’t have to be one of them. If you want to work on small habits, you can. If you want to prioritize the work that matters to you, even better.
A loving partnership is made of people who improve themselves so they can support their loved one in shared goals while complementing each other’s personal goals. That shared direction matters far more than any vow or societal expectation. Especially bullshit patriarchy standards like the ones your ex bludgeoned you with.
You deserve someone who shares your life instead of trying to run it. Holding out for that doesn’t make you small or defective.
Man is a fucking dick, and you’re just a normal human being who’s just doing what-every else does. Can’t count the amount of ‘mistakes’ I do everyday around chores. You’re free of them and that is the important thing. Don’t let his words eat. Chores are shared and so are ‘mistakes’ and if he can’t sit with you and be your support network then it’s not worth it.
He just saved you from a life of having to feel like you’re walking on egg shells. Thank God! Be free and when the right person comes along you’ll know it. Being alone with peace is better over the latter any day.