Yeah, this is going to be a long one, sorry!
A couple of years ago I posted on here looking for confirmation that my issues with his family weren’t all in my head, and… well, let’s just say confirmation was given!
Ever since that post my partner and I have extensively discussed his family’s toxic dynamic, but it’s been a lot of tugging at years of damage and trying to make him understand he’s blind to a lot of their BS.
Quick introduction:
the MIL: The shotcaller. Everyone appeases her and she’s the perpetual victim, regardless of the fact she says and does the most vile things to others ALL. THE. TIME.
the FIL: The flying monkey, his sole purpose in life is to get MIL to throw him a bone once in a while because she constantly puts him down (yes, in front of others) unless he does something right enough in her eyes. He’ll even go NC with his own kids if that’s what makes her happy. Yes, that has actually happened.
the SIL: The ✨ golden child ✨. She’s my partner’s twin sister and the majority of her life, she’s been the prettier, nicer and smarter kid in everyone’s eyes. She’s married to someone suspiciously similar to MIL, and she displays similar behaviors to MIL. She’ll always be the first one to jump on the opportunity to put my partner and I down just so she can look good in MIL’s and FIL’s eyes.
My partner: The scapegoat. After 34 years in this dynamic, he’s a deeply insecure man who struggles with basic life skills because all his life he’s been programmed to cater to MIL’s needs, instead of his own.
Yes, it’s one big shit show of flying monkeys, enablers and JUSTNO’s around here!
Background:
My partner and I fell in love 6 years ago and having been around his family from a distance I knew they had a difficult family dynamic, but boy did I underestimate what I was up against.
I’ve always been very comfortable speaking my mind so from jump, I felt uneasy with his family because there’s this rule where you’re not supposed to have any wants and needs, what MIL says goes and we’re all supposed to pretend all is fine and well so we can take pictures to put in the yearly family book and Facebook to show the world we’re a perfectly happy family. I’ve confronted him with how toxic things are early on and it’s taken him years and years to really understand the depths of how bad things are, to the point where 90% of our relationship problems are due to his family. It’s brought so much stress and hardship into my life and I’ve often been at the verge of just walking away, but at the same time I felt bad for leaving him to fend for himself against his 4 very shitty direct family members. His coping has always been to ignore or shut up, and he’s expected me to do the same just to keep the peace. MIL and SIL have said and done the most ugly things to me and I’ve always felt censored to set boundaries for myself because that just wouldn’t fly. Anywhere and to anyone else I wouldn’t even struggle with that, but as a ‘newcomer’ in their family, I thought it best to just remain respectful.
Fast forward to a month ago:
My partner took me on a surprise trip and proposed. While we were away, FIL and MIL were taking care of our dog. There was a heatwave right around the time we were gone so when FIL mentioned he was taking our dog for a walk, we kindly but urgently requested he’d wait since it’d be too hot out for a dog to be walked. His response was that how he does things once he is in charge of our dog’s care, is up to him and him only. Yeah, my week was ruined because now I had to stress about if my dog was going to be ok.
We had planned on telling them about our engagement as soon as we had returned from the trip since we’d be a their place to pick up our dog, but the atmosphere was so off and FIL even brought up how he felt my partner is always telling him what to do, so we decided to not say anything and just bring it up later. Besides, we didn’t mind keeping this special moment to ourselves a little longer. For context: SIL and her husband are influencers who always make the biggest deal out of the opening of an envelope, including impromptu photoshoots and we are quite literally the polar opposite of that, so it’s just in our nature to be more private and enjoy things between just the two of us.
2 weeks passed and as we left on another spontaneous trip (I’ve been having lots of health issues and we needed to get out of the country for a change of scenery), we decided to swing by their house the morning of departure so we could tell them about our engagement.
MIL’s first response: “Leave it up to you guys to keep something to yourselves for so long!”
None of them got up to hug us, they were mostly taken aback but there was no apparent joy.
MIL also mentioned she now felt it was more “official”, because she just didn’t know if we were going to last. We’ve been together for 6 years and we bought a home together.
MIL also mentioned SIL at least 4 times, the first time randomly bringing up how SIL’s husband was currently on a shopping spree for her to bring her some souvenirs from their respective country (they’d be visiting soon), to which I redirected the conversation to our engagement photos. She then went on to urge my partner to tell SIL, asking how and when he was planning on doing so.
Sidenote: SIL and my partner have been on bad terms ever since we distanced ourselves because her JUSTNO-husband has been awful to us. SIL has been actively working on maintaining her role as the golden child by badmouthing my partner and I, so we’ve been avoiding her just to protect ourselves.
Anyway, my partner responded by saying he’d like to tell SIL on his own terms and requested they stay out of it until he got the chance to share the news.
We left and went on our trip, both feeling a bit disappointed in how they responded, but alas, we were on our way to enjoy some time off.
It took *3 days*.
3 days before MIL sent my partner a text saying she had told the entire family about the engagement at a family high tea they were are (that we couldn’t attend due to us being away) and it’d be best if he told SIL sooner than later. She also excused herself by saying it was simply her being a proud mom and how it had just slipped out. This woman is the most controlled, calculated person, so there’s no chance of things slipping out.
Yes, we both lost it and realized how foul this was. For the first time every, my partner sent her a respectful but stern message, saying it was absolutely not okay for her to have shared that, and that perhaps it’d be best to no longer share intimate news with her first, since he now understood our private news is not safe with her.
She responded with a voice message reading off a letter she had written talking about how horrible it was he hadn’t told his sister yet, how nobody but us made a big deal out of our engagement and (in feigned tears) how if he thought he shouldn’t tell her things anymore, then perhaps that was best.
Thankfully, he didn’t cave, and repeated once again how disrespectful it was of her to share our news with our family, and how and when he shares our news with SIL is none of her business.
Both FIL and MIL sent an elaborate message back threatening how they would go NC if my partner continued to speak to them that way, saying it’s beyond them how he can’t see how all SIL wants is to be close to him and he just refuses to be part of the family.
And then, finally, FINALLY after 6 long years and 34 long years in his case, he wrote back saying that since they were absolutely unable to see his side of the story, there was no other option than to go NC and that he will no longer be in touch with them.
We feel sad. Destroyed. Exhausted. Hurt. SIL and her husband have already starting going on smear-campaigns. We feel the tension of them 4 getting together and throwing it all on the table, making us the bad guys.
But he finally did it, and I’m praying to God I will never have to deal with these people again.
I’m so broken, and I need to lick my wounds for a while. Our relationship is at a breaking point, after years of this emotional abuse, him not having stood up for us and me having to silently take it to the chin.
But we made it, and I need to figure out how to heal from this.
This was written poorly, with tears in my eyes, for which I’m sorry. I wish I could’ve made it somewhat of a nicer read. I’m just so damn tired, and I guess I’m hoping to hear that it will get better.
Comments
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I’m so glad that your husband finally took your side, but for him, there will understandably be a lot of grief around the loss of his family. It would be helpful for both of you to get into counseling, to figure out how to navigate your way forward together.
“Both FIL and MIL sent an elaborate message back threatening how they would go NC if my partner continued to speak to them that way…” YES! a result!
The trash took itself out. Now you can heal in peace. Wishing you both happiness!
I really hope he’s been in IC and that yall are doing MC.m because Honestly, he’ll have probably always struggle to not let them back in but therapy will give him the tools to work through those weak moments. No one can have a healthy relationship with people that are so toxic and if he’s unwilling to stay NC, I don’t see how y’all will ever have one either.
Today is the first day of the rest of your lives. It is not too late. Maybe have him think of it as a much needed break for a while rather than permanent…just to make it a little easier for him. I hope you guys will pursue counseling.
Don’t give what they say or think about you another thought. Use Mel Robinson’s Let Them. They don’t matter. Agree that marital counseling is a good idea on this issue. Your DH took a bold and important first step. Don’t think they will just be silent in the background. They will start pressuring, guilting etc. You need to make sure he is prepared for the next stage. We are 10 years out and still get random contact, even though we have blocked them as much as we could.
Give it time. They’ve lost their scapegoat. At some point they’ll need another and may begin to turn on each other. Again this will take time. The focus now will be the smear campaign, but if you truly stay NC they’ll have nothing new to work with.
I’m sorry your fiance doesn’t have a supportive, loving family. However you will make your own happy family. Don’t let the inlaws back in to ruin that.
If you guys aren’t in counseling, I’d recommend it. NC isn’t a single act. It’s a long process that requires conviction and emotional strength. Having a counselor give you both tools so you can hold the line is vital. And also the need to decide whether you can heal from what happened before.
Finally. He’s done with the toxic circus. Now it’s time for you both to heal and build a life free from their drama. Easier said than done, but worth it.
You’re not too late. You’re finally on time. NC is the start of healing, not the end of something. Let them smear, let them spiral, it’s not your circus anymore. Focus on healing. They were never going to give you peace. You had to take it.
If your husband is not seeing a therapist, he may want to. Dealing with being the scapegoat and the loss of family even through chosen NC can be rough. It’s good to have someone work through the issues with you. If that’s not possible, there are also some good self help books dealing with family dynamics like this.
your partner may go through a fair amount of grief before being able to heal. For me four years later NC has been so much more peaceful. Hoping you and your partner find that peace too.
Now your healing can begin.
Oh, honey, the shit show hasn’t even started yet. MIL threatening to go NC was a manipulative lie to get her son back in line to say “no, mommy, please keep around”. He’s never stood up to her so she’s expecting him to cave as he’s always done.
The flying monkeys are hovering and will be swooping in soon and hard. They all NEED your fiancé back in his place as the scapegoat so that they aren’t thrown into that role. This family dynamic needs all of their players in their places for any of them to function dysfunctionally, which is all they know.
Whatever was in the message your fiancé sent will now be used as ammunition against you both. You’ll be the bad one, with the magical vagina, who’s changed him, taken him away from his family, is isolating him, controlling him, etc.
You both may block them all but they will find avenues in. New numbers, which are easy to get these days, new emails; they’ll even show up at your door or somewhere in public. In public, your MIL, at the very least, will expect you both to behave, not cause a scene, let her have her say and capitulate to her.
Now is the time to be extra careful and diligent about contact with any of them.