I woke up in my 30s and finally told myself the truth: what my eldest brother did to me as a child was not okay. It was abuse.
For the longest time, the only person I could bring myself to tell was my best friend when we were teenagers. Only recently did I open up to my therapist—this pain, this trauma from 26 years ago, has never left me.
I’m angry. I’m angry that no one saw it. No one seemed to understand why I was the way I was, why I struggled the way I did. And I’ve carried that rage into adulthood, pushing it onto my family—who still don’t know. Maybe that isn’t fair.
There are movies I can’t watch. Artists I can’t listen to. The trauma lives in all these quiet corners of my life. The flashbacks, the realization that it really happened—they still take my breath away.
He got away with it. That’s what hurts most. I think he avoids me now because deep down, he knows I could tell the world.
I want to heal. I want to be better—for myself, for the people who love me. I want to learn how to live without letting this anger consume me.
Wasn’t sure if this was an appropriate place to post I just want to be heard…
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He didn’t get away with it. Nobody gets away with anything. That’s one of the secrets to life. We all pay. If you can find a way to forgive, you can stop carrying it. I know it’s easy for others to say. But there are ways. Forgiving frees you, not anyone else. Prayers for you.
Is it possible he was abused beforehand? Usually kids shouldn’t even be aware of those things, although I don’t know the age difference. But I almost guarantee he isn’t in a “haha, I got away with it!” headspace
Have you thought of confronting him? Even by email? I was abused by my dad. He’s dead now but I always wish that I had made him accountable for what he did when the rest of my family blew me off.
Edit: I’m sorry for what happened to you.
What happened? Sorry if that was indelicate.
My girlfriend was over 50 before she could discuss the years of abuse from her brother as a child. It took a suicide attempt (3.5 weeks on life support and a month and and a half total in the hospital) before she could talk about it openly.