I just need to rant because I dont know how much longer this relationship will last.
I found out about his porn addiction after a series of fights. I always knew he watched but it had become to the point where he would choose it over me and thats when I had a problem with it. When it became a problem I found stuff I didnt know about before such as, messaging women on reddit asking for nudes and looking up legal escorts in Las Vegas.
A little backstory is we were long distance for 5 years before moving in together and getting married. I trusted this man so much and told others that the only way we survived long distance dating was off of trust.
Now my whole world has come crashing down and although he has deleted accounts that he used to message women he still is getting off to porn whenever he is alone in the house. He made it seem like he wants to get better but no progress being made and he has only had one therapy session but they told him to go to group therapy and he is hesitant about that.
After I talked with him more about it saying, “why dont you just use pictures or videos of me?” His answer was “I dont know, im not attracted to you anymore”. That broke me. He says its because I have trichotillomania (which i have had since the beginning of the relationship although its gotten worse) and because during one of our really bad fights i had relapsed and cut myself (which i had not done our entire relationship).
I am so hurt becuase no matter what he has done I have never turned to other men to satisfy or take care of me emotionally or physically and even though I have expressed that I find what he is doing to be cheating, he won’t stop.
He tries to compare it to my trichotillomania (hair pulling disorder) but I told him its a completely different thing. I have tried to be patient with him and see if he can be better but I dont know if he truly wants it.
Anyway im depressed right now and needed to rant and if you guys have any advice on if this can still work out, what I can be doing to help both of us during this time
TLDR: husband has a porn addiction and said it because im not attractive anymore.
Comments
Great. A cheating cheater = ex boyfriend.
Don’t torture yourself for someone who doesn’t even like you.
You can’t stay with somebody who cheats on you and then destroys your confidence on top of it. You deserve better than that. There is no fixing this IMO, you need to worry about protecting yourself and get out of this relationship.
Is there something up with your self preservation instinct? What do you mean “work this out”? Why would you want to work things out with someone that gaslighted you about not being attracted to you and used your medical condition as fodder?
The cheating thing can be taken as a sign of poor judgement and character, but what he’s saying about your physical appearance is just downright cruel and manipulative. This is an actively malicious person, not someone that is simply stupid or lacking in self control.
He is addicted. it’s not because of you. that’s just his excuse.
Plenty of single guys aren’t addicted to porn and dont have a wife or girlfriend to blame their problems on.
This won’t get better until he takes full responsibility and until he actually wants to be better for himself, not just to please you.
If I were in your shoes, I’d be planning an exit.
One thing to know here is that it is an addiction and these are what addicts and narcissists do: (DARVO)
DENY: every addict denies it’s a problem and instead says YOU are the problem (gaslighting)
Example: “all men do it, and their girlfriends are okay with it! You’re the ONLY girl who has a problem with it”
ATTACK: they attack YOU because they are protecting their addiction and you are currently threatening it (why give up thousands of women for 1 real one) and instead will blame you for THEIR addiction, “you aren’t as attractive as them” it’s because they have trained their brain on what is attractive and desensitized themselves to only bbls and boob jobs
REVERSE VICTIM and OFFENDER: they will say you are controlling THEM and that they are the victim because you are trying to control them
See “By making the person believe that they are the actual cause of the abuse, that they are at fault, and that only by changing their behaviors can they avoid the abuse, the abuser maintains control over the victim. This manipulation keeps the victim trapped in the abusive dynamic, constantly striving to improve and try harder to return to the love bombing phase that existed in the beginning of the relationship. “
This is DARVO it’s what narcissists use to protect their addiction. You and him need to see a CSTAT therapist because most marriage counselors who are men will actually maintain that porn is not bad which is not true 🙂 several studies now show that it’s literally like cocaine for the brain and men are trained to treat women as body parts that are useable /disposable
Unfortunately this is a hard addiction because sex is everywhere these days and if he commits he will have to delete social media and avoid places that trigger sexualizing women (beach, pools, clubs) because just like marijuana can be a gateway drug, any type of “showing skin” can be similar to look for that buzz he gets off of nudity/sexualizing women
I suggest you join some of the groups that support women who are partners of porn addicts they are very helpful.
I’m sorry you are going through this, you are not the problem, most men suffer from a porn addiction due to how society (lol men) have normalized it for their satisfaction and fun fact a Rabbi owns pornhub so take that information as you will