My boyfriend [22M] and I [23F] have been in a LDR for 1.5 years now. We got into a huge argument that left me feeling very hurt, and we ended up breaking up. He told me he regrets everything and wants to change and fight for us. We discussed what both of us would need to work on for the relationship to succeed, this included how he needed to be more vulnerable and open instead of shutting me out and keeping things to himself. I had told him this before, but I guess breaking up made him realize how serious it was. I was very clear about what I needed: I’m not expecting perfection, but I am expecting him to genuinely try. At first, he seemed to be making an effort, he was more open, and it felt like he was actually trying. But now, I’m not so sure.
He recently told me something happened that made him a little mad. When I asked what it was, he brushed it off. I reminded him that we had talked about him not shutting me out. He said he didn’t want to add to my stress. I told him I still want to know what’s going on, and reminded him again that we talked about him being more open. He responded by saying he shouldn’t have brought it up and that he wants to handle things before telling me.
I know that change is a process and not instant, but now it feels like he’s not actually trying. I’m not sure if he was only being open in the beginning to win me back. I don’t know if I’m being too hard on him or if he’s showing me he’s not truly ready to change.
TL;DR: My boyfriend and I broke up after an argument and agreed that things would need to change to make the relationship work. He promised to be more open and stop shutting me out when something is wrong. I told him I didn’t expect perfection, just genuine effort. At first, he seemed to try, but now he’s shutting me out again. Am I being too hard on him, or is this a sign he’s not ready to change?
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The thing is that change is hard. Like, really, really, really hard. That’s why it almost never works out when someone tries to change for someone else. It either doesn’t stick because it’s not genuine and the person doesn’t truly want to change and thus can’t keep up the “mask” or they will grow resentful that they aren’t being “allowed” to be who they are around the other person.
That’s why smokers usually only manage to stop smoking if they want to stop, not because their partner complains about the smell and asks them to quit, for example. And it’s the same with every other change of behavior – as long as he doesn’t want to change for himself, because he wants to be more open and just does it to keep you, it won’t stick.
That said, since it’s unclear if he is doing it because he wants to keep you or because he realized that he would be happier if he would be more open… even if he is doing it for himself, this is a very big change and likely feels very scary. After all, being more open means being more vulnerable to getting hurt and that is a scary thing to feel. So if he isn’t getting the help of a therapist, you can’t expect him to manage to change from 0% to 100%. This will likely be a process taking months, if not years. Again: True, lasting change is really, really hard to do, even if you really want it. After all, we are who we are thanks to years, if not decades of growing into this person based on what we learned. Tearing down a six-lane highway of automated behavior takes a long time.
How is he working on it? Therapy? Reading some books about it? Working with you to understand how you need him to open up?
If this is the first instance of him keeping something from you, and you’re jumping to him not caring or working on it, I think you might be being disingenuous about your “not expecting perfection” statement. Maybe he got a little mad about something, something involving you and the relationship, and that he knows isn’t going to be constructive to bring up with you. Maybe it was an intrusive thought, maybe it’s something that he knows wasn’t worth the emotional reaction he had. If he is genuinely working on processing his emotions in a healthy way, and being more honest with you when he feels about things that matter to him and you and the relationship, I think you just have to trust his judgement during that process, and weigh his overall progress toward a point where you can be happy versus a single step back in this case. Maybe there have been a ton of steps back and it’s clear he’s not making progress. In the end, it’s up to you how much you’re willing to tolerate, how happy you are with his progress, not from my or anyone else’s perspective.