Hi ladies,
I’m 36F and recently ended a relationship with my ex (35M). We’ve been talking again and our conversations have left me emotionally twisted. I’d love insight from women who’ve been through this kind of emotional bait-and-switch.
He recently told me that he doesn’t give full effort in a relationship unless he sees the other person giving 110% first. This was news to me. I moved across states to be with him, we were under a house loan together, and I was fully committed from day one.
Then I discovered his drinking wasn’t occasional—it was full-blown alcoholism, hidden under a convincing facade. He was drinking on the job and lying about it. He eventually checked himself into a 45-day rehab. Because of the timing, I had to take his name off the house loan so I could move forward with closing. He agreed at the time.
Now, months later, he says that’s the reason he never invested in the home—that because his name wasn’t on it, he didn’t see it as his. But while I was painting walls, decorating, and handling bills, he disengaged entirely. He also says that because I had emotional breaking points (kicking him out during heated arguments after weeks of being let down), I wasn’t as committed as he needed me to be. But I always apologized. I always let him come back. Until the last time—when I didn’t. I finally realized I was in a cycle that was breaking me.
I supported his hobbies. I encouraged what he cared about. But when it came to my passions, he didn’t really show up. If he did, it was half-hearted or accompanied by sarcasm.
Now he frames my emotional responses as the reason he didn’t invest—when they were actually the result of him letting me down over and over.
Was I wrong to walk away from this? Or am I finally seeing it clearly for what it was?
Comments
Honestly didn’t even need to read this, no you weren’t wrong to walk away. Too old for games.
Fuck him.
Stop trying to gain approval from a guy who is an Ex.
You moved states for him. You foolishly cosigned a house loan with him. You painted and did all the house things. You paid all the bills. You always supported his interests even though he never supported yours.
Why do you keep bending over backwards for someone who doesn’t give a flying squirrel about you?
lol, no. if anything you walked away too late. This guy is a piece of work. This is the relationship equivalent of that old meme about respect.
“Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use it to mean “treat someone like an authority.” And sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” when they really mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person” and they think they’re being fair and their not.”
Whaaat he sounds awful. He’s just using that as an excuse to be an asshole.
Ew, no girl you made the right choice. Sorry you’re going through it but on the other side you’ll feel good about this decision. You don’t need a man with addiction problems telling you his lack of commitment is your fault like tf.
He sounds like an absolute tool. Thank goodness you are rid of him!
You were a placeholder: good enough for right now but HE didn’t see you as a worthwhile long-term partner. There is nothing you could have done you couldn’t have dazzled him or whatever.
Relationships are earned, they are built by both participants. He didn’t feel like building it because he knew he’d get bored or want out as soon as it became inconvenient.
Of course he didn’t feel like building a home with you: he knew he’d want out, and he knew he didn’t care where that’d leave you.
> We’ve been talking again and our conversations have left me emotionally twisted.
He is telling you to your face he doesn’t bother being your supporter.
Block him, move on.
>He recently told me that he doesn’t give full effort in a relationship unless he sees the other person giving 110% first.
That is not a person worth dating. He wants a servant, not a partner.
Ma’am, read your own post because you already know the answer. You did all the work, he’s an insecure alcoholic.
No. And walk further away.
Girl, he’s a piece of shit
He sounds like a leech who desperately tries to turn the tables on you in order to appear like the good, rational-thinking guy. Thinking he’s hot shit for withholding commitment.
You took care of yourself by walking away. Good for you.
No, you’re not wrong.
As much as you do, he’d raise the bar higher while not matching energies and likely giving less.