I came across messages where husband was initiating conversations with other women online. They’re mostly him saying hi, what are you doing, and in some cases asking for pics. Looking through the messages, I came across one person in particular where things were sexual (“I was gentle lol”). I had seen enough and didn’t want to wake the kids arguing. I confronted him right away, he admitted to it and I asked him to leave.
A few days later, we met up and talked things through. When asked why he was initiating conversations with other women, all I get is idk, maybe wanted to see if I still got it.
He claims there was only one person he got sexual with, kissing and fingering and it only happened once about half a year ago. I asked him if there was a connection or had they been talking much prior to what led to him meeting with her. He said they just talked brief and the communication stopped after they met up.
At this point, I’m thinking I might be able to get past this.
But then I asked to see the messages again. He got frustrated and didn’t want to let me see but I told him I needed full transparency if we were ever going to get past this, as frustrated as he was, he agreed. Messages go farther back than he had said, he is asking for pics, talking about what he wants to do to her. When she asks if there’s someone in his life, he says he has a girlfriend. The conversations are vague, nothing emotional. Though she tells him to go be with his gf and he says he’ll leave her. I don’t think he means he would leave me, but saying it just to keep the sexual nature of the conversation going.
This bothered me because he wasn’t honest when I asked what all had led up to them meeting. He said he didn’t want to say more to hurt me because he had already admitted to the worst part.
We’ve been together 10+ years, have kids, and we’ve had a good thing going. I know that maybe we’ve become complacent between work and the kids. We don’t make time for ourselves. I can’t help but think he was trying to find an unmet need. I do believe it was only hand stuff because he has been struggling with ED for about a year. He says there’s nothing wrong with me and that I didn’t do something to push him away. He admits his faults and is upset about his mistake and is sorry for putting me and the kids through this . He’s deleted instagram, said he deleted right away once he realized he screwed up his life. Said he will stay off his phone, give me complete access to everything and do whatever he needs to do to make things right. I’ve had complete trust and never felt the need to police him and I don’t want to live like that. I’m struggling because i am a forgiving person and there’s a part of me that wants to make things work, but i really don’t know what to do. I do believe he is still a good man, good father, but someone that made a serious mistake. I want to give him a second chance but can’t help but think about the saying …fool me twice, shame on me.
Is any of this a complete deal breaker? I’d appreciate any input. Thanks.
Comments
First of all, I’m sorry that he put you through this.
Second of all, I don’t think he ever really gave you an honest reason why he did this. I’m not sure if he’s lying to you only or to himself as well?
I think you should be very careful about somebody who so casually creates a persona that erases you from his life (pretending he wasn’t married).
In the end, only you can know what is best for you. But I urge you not to do this just because you’re lonely. This man has done a lot of deceitful things and even if you take him back, there’s a good chance that this isn’t going to work out. So you should only be taking him back because you’re madly in love with him and you think that you’re willing to take the risk that he’s just using you.
If you just think “ he’s OK” and you have to settle down so “he’ll do”, that’s really unfair to him and to you. And in that instance, you should be walking away and apologizing for doing something that calculating. If he is committing to you for the rest of his life, he should at least know how you feel going in.
100% dealbreaker. He did all of this when he knew you might leave if you caught him. Why would you think he wouldn’t do it again, if you show him you’ll tolerate it?
Will he “still have it” 6 months from now? What about a year? Two years?
You can be the betrayed wife who looks over her shoulder for the rest of her life if you want. Why would you, to keep your hands on a cheater? Will you go through his phone, track his location, randomly drop in to “check in on him,” and interrogate him about where he’s going or who he’s with? I don’t think this is the kind of person you want to be, or the marriage you want to have.
I get it: divorce sucks. It’s expensive, it’s draining, and footing all the bills to live on your own isn’t easy. Will you make the difficult decision, or will you stay with someone who doesn’t love you for the financial security?
Idk you have to weigh the pros with the cons. Personally I think if the relationship is solid besides this misstep it maybe salvagable. And that’s going to take a lot of time, also it’s not for everyone. In the end its up to you and what you think you can work through, of course all trust will have to be earned back and you’ll never be able to trust him 100% but Personally you can never trust anyone 100%