I’m a 37F in a 10-year relationship with kids. My partner (47M) is amazing — he’s loyal, mature, kind, my best friend, dedicated father, and he adores me. He’s also still very sexually attracted to me, and our sex life has been good and regular.
But in the past year I’ve started feeling attracted to other men and fantasising about having sex with people outside the relationship. I find myself craving a certain kind of really masculine kind of men with wild sex that I’ve never had. I don’t even know where this is coming from. It’s confusing because I love my partner deeply and don’t want to hurt him.
Here’s the thing: I’ve always felt like our chemistry was “good” but never that intense, passionate spark I’ve craved. I worry that if I told him the details of what I fantasise about, I would be turned off because he wouldn’t be able to meet me there because he’s so sweet. I don’t know if that means I’m missing something fundamental or if I’m just restless.
So I feel torn. Am I a terrible person for feeling this way? Does the fact that I’m fantasising about other people mean my relationship is doomed, or is this just a normal long-term relationship phase?
Comments
First, try not to shame yourself for having these fantasies. It’s normal, and healthy. Second don’t tell him you are fantasizing about other men, especially not ones that embody a different type of masculinity. Instead I’d suggest framing it as “I’ve been fantasizing about doing something different with you” and communicate what it is about these fantasies that you like, is it that the other person is taking control or is it the acts themselves… hopefully he can fulfill this for you, otherwise, keep your fantasies and enjoy them!
Fantasizing is normal. If you worry you are going to act on these fantasies without your partner’s consent, that’s where it becomes a problem. Don’t do that.
It sounds like you aren’t very comfortable discussing sex with your partner. I’d suggest focusing on improving in that area. Maybe you’ll find more common ground than you expect.
Here’s the thing: Fantasies aren’t inherently bad. At least in my opinion. It’s what you do with them that can make them problematic.
I have some fantasies that will stay that probably for all eternity. They don’t include my partner, even though we’ve been together for more than 10 years. (And he doesn’t know about them, either. Although we talk about a lot of sexual stuff.)
Have you tried reading p… I mean, romance novels? You aren’t the first woman who’d like to imagine herself with a buff bodybuilder type, so there’s quite a bit of books out there. 🙂
Just tell him what you want but ease into it a little at a time to gauge the reaction as you go. If you fantasize about him being a pirate or something really masculine like that, try suggesting he be a pirate for halloween, or ask him randomly to try wearing an eye patch. go to a bar and order rum. Suggest a trip to a thrift store and suggest he try on some more tattered type of clothing or a pirate hat. Baby steps and just see along the way how into it he is. ask him to join a book club where you both read your favorite romance novel and then discuss the scenes that form the basis of your inspiration for your fantasies. interject conversations with some pirate type lingo as a joke at first and then gradually more serious and then gradually during intimacy. just piece it together a little at a time but by bit and eventually you will turn him into the character from your romance novel but don’t forget you also have to play the part of the lady aboard the ship you can’t expect him to do everything it’s gotta be 50 / 50 that’s how marriages work
Breath, sexual fantasies are normal. There’s a big difference between having a fantasy and actually wanting it to happen IRL
Your relationship isn’t doomed, from what you write, it sounds like you’re stressed about the possibility of losing someone you love which actually shows how grounded you are in reality
What I pick up most is the word craving. If you’re craving a certain type of intimacy it can really help to share that with your partner. Many men aren’t very creative in bed, so sometimes it’s up to us to take the lead “Hey, I thought it might be fun to try something new, maybe X?” Begin small and build from there
Dreaming about passionate sex with other men doesn’t immediately mean the relationship is doomed. It could just mean you want passionate sex (or just more passion in general). And yeah you’ve been together for 10 years and have kids, it’s not surprising you’ve reached a stage where you’d like to shake things up in the bedroom.
Talk to your partner about how you’d like more passion. You might be pleasantly surprised and relieved that he’s been thinking the same thing. He could be open to fulfilling your fantasies (don’t necessarily need to talk about the dreams, you could just talk about what you like). You won’t know until you talk with him.
There’s no point worrying yet if you’ll be turned off because you haven’t talked with him yet anyway. There’s a good change it’s a non-issue. Cross that bridge if you get there.