How to I approach this situation with my husband without him feeling like I’m spying on him or disrespecting HIS privacy??
I’ve had LOTS of boundary issues with my in-laws. They wanted to stop by our house yesterday to see my baby while I was at work (per usual). With the issues I’ve had, I felt an overwhelming need to check my living room camera. This is not something I EVER do if it’s just my husband at home because I don’t feel a need to and want to respect him and his privacy, but with them over there with my child I just wanted to see what’s up.
At one point during the visit, I CLEARLY see my MIL kissing/smacking on my baby’s hands multiple times right in front of my husband. On top of “no kissing” rules being made clear to all family members, we’ve also recently been telling people not to even touch his hands because of him putting them in his mouth. AND I have shared those random posts on fb that people put out as reminders not to kiss babies due to RSV season. All this to say, the rules and wishes are very clear.
I’m at a loss as to what the right thing to do is. Because now I know that this has happened, idk how I’m gonna pretend that it didn’t. But also, how do I say something to my husband without feeling like I was spying on him??
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First, make sure you have the footage downloaded so it doesn’t go missing.
Second, does he know you don’t trust his mom?
This will need to be addressed but my advice will vary depending on what he already knows.
Tell him you got a bad feeling because of your lack of trust to his mom, NOT him. So you had to check in for a minute. Be curious and ask him if he noticed what she did.
Oh, and she definitely needs a time out from seeing your baby. She was being disrespectful to you in your own home by doing that, and shouldn’t be near baby when her needs are more important to her than the safety of baby.
And her privilege to see baby without you there is gone
Open communication with your husband. It’s not wrong to spy, that’s the reason why the camera is there, so you can spy on your baby while you are at work.
People’s feelings gonna get hurt, they’re an adult and their feelings are not your responsibility. Your responsibility now is your baby, I don’t know where you are but in my country right now it’s rsv and hfmd season, I will always speak out and do what’s necessary for my baby’s safety.
Would you be comfortable asking him how his mom did with the ‘no kissing, no hands’ boundary?
I’d been clear and would ask him WTF. Why would she do this in front of him and he said nothing to her? In this case I’d consider a marriage therapy first and MIL has no more privilege visiting your baby. Maybe once in a year because she’s so dumb and refusing a basic hygienic rules and abusing your baby! Keep the footage on your phone and also send it to your trusted person because DH might delete it as it’s clearly evidence against his mooma and him.
“Hey husband, due to the ongoing boundary issues we’ve had with your mother I felt the need to check the cameras while your parents were visiting. I saw your mother kissing our child’s hands even though we made it a rule that that couldn’t happen. You were sitting right there and did nothing. Can you please explain to me why you let that happen?”
Call him out. Clearly you can’t trust that he’ll enforce boundaries that, I’m assuming, you’ve both come up with. Don’t let him turn this around on you.
Please make your concern about your child’s health rather than your husband’s reaction to doing a normal thing a Mama Bear will do to protect her child.
Tell him you checked the camera, saw what happened, and you need to make sure it does not happen again for your child’s health.
Your spidey senses were tingling for you to look in at that moment. Tell your husband what you saw.
You could start off by telling him you do not trust her, which he knows, so you checked the camera to see if she waited for DH to leave the room and then snuck in kisses [or whatever you had told her not to do]. Instead, you saw that she did kiss LO and mess with his hands but that she did it right in front of DH. Then ask him about it. He may get upset and accuse you of spying on him, but you were checking on MIL and happened to see something you were not looking for and did not expect. Redirect the conversation back to the fact you cannot unsee what you saw and you two need to discuss it.
Just tell him. Hey…I turned on the camera to see how OUR BABY was doing and I saw MIL kissing the baby’s hands. You were there, hun and you didn’t defend our baby. You have to do that and you know it. I see that it is hard for you to be anything but her “son” and do what she wants when she is there. You are “husband” and a “father” now and I need you to be those things 100% of the time. Maybe some therapy can help? Lets find out….
Safest place to hide is behind the truth. I would be more angry with my husband about undermining our parenting decisions, being unable or unwilling to set and enforce boundaries with his mother, breaking trust in your unity, and putting your child’s health in jeopardy than I would feel bad about invading his privacy. You had a gut instinct and you were right not to trust him.
We had a camera in our sons room we could look at on our phones and I never cared if my husband checked on us because I wasn’t trying to get away with anything I shouldn’t be doing. I checked on him and our son when I was out all the time.
Did you record it?
Who cares how your husband feels? He dropped the ball, and now the hands/kissing issue is going to snowball because a double standard has been set. His silence in that moment has allowed your MIL to violate your boundaries (that were supposed to be upheld as a husband-wife team) and conveniently set you up -whether intentionally or not- as “the bad guy” when it comes to any rules around the baby.
So, as respectfully as possible, fuck his feelings, show him the video, and ask him why the hell he let his mom cross the baby boundaries. If he gets his pweshus wittle fee-fees hurt over being “spied on,” you can tell him that if he were able to hold a firm boundary with his mom, then you wouldn’t have felt the need to check cameras and watch his failure in real time.
This instance should, at least, eliminate them visiting while you’re working, since the baby’s other parent failed to parent when guests were present.
ETA: I saw your comments saying that you’re not sure if your husband didn’t notice, as he hasn’t noticed before. My opinion remains much the same; it’s his job as the baby’s other parent to notice things that could endanger his child’s health and safety. He doesn’t get the luxury of “not noticing” anymore, so perhaps it’s time to “put him on notice” about that as well. He got one free pass, but any more “not noticing” should be treated as negligence/an excuse to not offend his dearest mommy.
You should have gone right in there and taken your baby and said “ excuse me I’m going to wash my babies, hands and face now. Please keep your dirty mouth off my baby. I’ve asked you before.”
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you are making a bigger deal out of this than is necessary. your own anxiety is getting in your way. stop policing yourself.
just tell him what you saw. he’s your husband, your life partner, FFS.
tell him what you saw in a neutral tone and ask him what he thinks the two of you should do now, as a team.
I got home cameras because of my in laws too. I feel for you and reading this stressed me out for you.
I would say I recommend couples therapy, but it’s not doing much for us. He doesn’t see or hear what his mom does/says either. I just keep the babies with me (harder for you since you’re working), so she’s never with my children without me watching. Maybe that could just be a firm boundary for you? It sucks youll have the confrontation issues with your husband but I think it’s necessary. Your kids’ safety became your number one priority when you became a parent.
Are his fee fees more important than child’s health?
If he can’t be trusted to keep his mother in line with some fairly reasonable asks, is watching on the camera really a bad thing?
Доверяй, но проверяй
I would own it. You had concerns, and your concerns were confirmed. Tell him you have trust issues with his parents, they are known to push boundaries. Your mother instinct told you to check in, and I’ll be damned there was your mom KISSING LO hands right in front of YOU, and you didn’t say a word. You don’t have to excuse it or feel bad about it. If he tries to make a big deal, tell him feel free to check in on me and guests anytime you want that’s what the cameras for, and I guarantee you my guests will be following OUR rules. Don’t back down or feel guilty. You can’t ignore this. It needs to be known that YOU know it happened and you’re pissed at ALL of them. You won’t be disrespected in your house over rules with your child.
Here’s the thing that’s being missed. Your mil proved untrustworthy but so did your spouse. Whether he saw it and ignored it or wasn’t paying close enough attention it’s a red flag. Their feelings are less important than baby’s health and safety. It’s simple as that. If dh gets upset oh well he’ll get un-upset again. If mil gets mad she’ll get over it. They are both in the wrong! Their feelings don’t matter here. You are convincing yourself to feel guilty when you have nothing to feel guilty for!
Open your mouth and say hey I had a nagging feeling and it was confirmed. I’m curious if you saw and decided not to call your mom out or didn’t see it? Either way your mom is on timeout now. Are we on the same page?
You’re a parent first. So, asking him why he allowed and didn’t correct his mother from kissing your child is perfectly reasonable. He knew the cameras were there and you have every right to check them.
Set new boundaries. No more visits without both parents present. Why? He won’t notice or uphold safety concerns.
If it’s one of those cameras that you can talk to, scream at her.
He knows you don’t trust his mom.
If he wants privacy, he needs to either step up his game to prevent stuff like this happening, or he needs to not have them over.
This isn’t about his privacy, this is about baby’s safety.
Tell him the truth. You wanted to see how your baby was doing with your in laws so you checked the camera. And then you saw what you saw. You’re not micromanaging your husband by doing so. And you did happen to see something questionable so it’s something that needs to be addressed now.
Honestly, it sounds like you can’t trust your husband because he allowed this behavior to take place instead of confronting mother-in-law.
You may want to let him know that you’re not comfortable with them seeing your baby without you there.
He would rather his baby get sick with a deadly illness and hurt mom’s feelings.
It’s also red flag that you’re scared of bringing this up with your husband because of his reaction.
Marriage counseling ASAP.