So for some context I(21F SAHM) live with my boyfriend(22M WORKING) and our son(2mo). We also live with 6 of his family members and a large breed dog. Mother in law, brother in law, sister in law, 3 kids(ages 2-6). Us three have our own bedroom and that’s it. The rest of the house is shared(bathroom, kitchen, living room, laundry, etc.)
I moved in last year when we found out I was pregnant. And due to financial reasons we weren’t able to get our own place. Before I moved in the house was always messy. A lot of people plus kids-it happens. No judgement. But after I moved in I noticed how unsanitary and disorganized things were. Food was constantly left out and open(pantry and refrigerated goods), which the dog loves to get into. Toys, clothes, books and anything else you can think of in a house including furniture is in the middle of the floor and out of place, every dish in the house dirty and left around, things shoved in every corner and crack. You get it.
A lot of it I could get over. We kept our space clean and cleaned up after ourselves especially in the shared areas. The problem I’m having is the pure inconsideration. Our house has 3 bathrooms. Recently we have been having plumbing issues. So everyone has been using the bathroom we use. Which is in our hallway downstairs right beside our bedroom. Which I have no issue with. I even made space on the bathroom shelves for their stuff.
The inconsideration comes in with every door and cabinet and drawer gets slammed shut and they stomp every step they take. All throughout the day and night. And with a newborn that sucks because it wakes him up every time. They leave their stuff everywhere creating tripping hazards and danger(I’ve found knives lying around before). My son’s bath stuff is constantly being taken and not returned. And the children come and beat on our door and barge in. Screaming under our door and all. And their parents just let them.
I understand kids will be kids and will do things like that but I believe the parents should stop some things and teach them kindness and consideration for others.
The kids get sick at least once a month and they let them run around the house and touch everything and sneeze without covering their mouths. And they don’t clean or disinfect anything. A similar harsher instance is today I went to get into the shower and there was blood and pus all over the bathtub and bath mat. Not cleaned up or anything. Just there, in the bathtub I bathe my son in. But don’t worry Reddit I can clean.
I feel like I am up to my limit. I’m confined to my room with my son basically all day everyday because it’s so overwhelming. There’s a lot more too but I won’t go into everything. I don’t know what to do. I’m constantly stressed and tired. Any advice?
P.S. We do still socialize with everyone. It’s just limited. Family’s important and I want my son to know his family.
Comments
You are in a hard place and a dirty one too. Do you have any ideas about where to move? Have you saved up funds for first month’s rent and security deposit? Your boyfriend will likely ask similar questions. This is something to figure out as a team.
Girl this is so much. I cannot imagine how this is on top of being a new mother! Have you been able to discuss it with your boyfriend or his family abour the cleanliness situation? Are you guys in a financial spot to start looking to move? Nonetheless, I am here for ya and sending good vibes. You can stick through this.
I think it would be a good idea to sit him down and talk about how his family could possibly be a bit more considerate and how it’s effecting you and your newborn.
Chilee, not me being pregnant & will be giving up my apartment to move in with my boyfriend & his family. Granted their place is clean & there’s no kids or anything like your situation i truly feel for you. I hope you guys can figure out a plan to try & move out or even find another family member in a better situation to stay with.
My bf suggested i quit my job when baby boy gets here & be a sahm & this is my fear, being unhappy & having no identity other than being a mother. Do you ever get out? a break or some time away? to decompress?
why are we having children when you’re not financially stable.. will never ever understand this. i feel for the child not you or the father.
Girl, this is a train wreck waiting to happen! If you don’t implode first. You need some YOU time. Uninterrupted. No phone, being alone. Trust me, the baby will be fine. I don’t know of a time in history where a baby took a rapid decent and couldn’t be handled buy the adult in charge. Save your pennies and find a place to move to. Take your debt with you, it’s always going to be there. Good luck!
Since you are single and unemployed I would think there would be assistance programs for you especially if you are in the US.
You could likely get coverage for daycare several days a week. You could work during that time to be around other adults.
And you need to talk with him about how the current environment is negatively impacting you and baby. It’s creating anxiety for you and baby.
When I got out the service with my young wife and 1 yo son we moved in with my parents. I expected it to be about 6 months so I could find a job and save up a bit. After 3 months my wife was so unhappy it forced me to really start hustling so we could move out. Also our situation wasn’t half as bad as you describe.
Play stupid games win stupid prices. Your son doesn’t deserve this
I’d be very cautious about the advice you choose to take on this platform.
Can you guys find a middle class family who needs childcare and you take care of your baby and theirs, and help mom around the house a bit in exchange for free room and board? Middle class families are often paying $2,000/mo+ for childcare and are super strapped. Could be a win for everyone. Maybe try posting on care.com
Marriage isn’t a long term happiness. There are a lot of ongoing problems that need to be resolved. First and foremost, I believe your source is the current location of habitation. Why don’t you two have your own place is the first question that should be asked. It’s already hard to maintain one’s own place, but when there’s 6 other people living. You’re shit out of luck. You cannot control the action of everyone living there. It lives with two options, you either suck it up or you tell your boyfriend to find the solution for you.
Is moving in with your family any type of option? He’s working, good for him. Are you all able to be saving money with no rent expense- or are you having to pay rent to family to live there? If you’re having to pay rent, figure out your budget and expenses. If you can find somone with a shared space that you cold rent for the same dollar figure- look to that. You can always frame the idea in such a way that it’s difficult for the two of you to have privacy and alone time with so many people around
Have you heard of trump AI ? You should do it with that lol
This will be a hard conversation to have if he’s really determined to pay down all the debt first but just be as rational about it as you can. Don’t make it about being unhappy, even though that’s absolutely a valid thing!- just focus on the living conditions themselves. You seem like a very forgiving person and that you’re understanding that life with kids is messy, but this is Not the normal level of mess or the normal level of chaos and it’s simply not healthy to live this way. I’m sure he can see some of this stuff himself too- the unsanitary conditions, the spoiled food, the lack of hygiene, the noises night and day, etc. List these things out and tell him that youre trying to be understanding but you’re worried for your baby’s health and safety (especially at only 2 months old- that can be a very delicate time), that it’s wearing you out emotionally and physically from lack of sleep, and so you need to accelerate your plans. It might mean putting off paying down some of the debt a little longer or dipping into your savings more than you’d like, but at this point something’s got to give and the trade off is worth it.
I had a friend with some psych issues that led to her house being very similar to what you describe, which led to several CPS calls from some of her family members bc her kids were also always getting sick. I rented a room from her and her husband for a few months when I was between leases and it was awful. Your description literally gave me flashbacks, my room was my only sanctuary and stepping out of my door you could Smell the difference between my room and the rest of the house. Like you, I tried to help out and clean the common areas where I could but it was just too much and always ended up disgusting again. If things are as bad as they sound then you could also be putting yourself in a vulnerable position just by living there if someone calls out your in-laws on their lack of care for their kids.
On the practical side of things, try looking into subsidized daycare or other programs in your area that might allow you to have a part time job, or that can help with finding a new place to live. Also, if you can stay with another friend or family member for a while until you can get into your own place that will take a lot of the stress off of you and probably your boyfriend too- I can’t imagine he’s getting great sleep with the bathroom situation. You can always visit the family when you want but living in those conditions is not doing any of you any favors and you need to put your and your baby’s health first beyond any other considerations.
You have to get out, period. There are too many people and personalities living in that house to be healthy for you or your baby.
Where were you living before? Is it possible for YOU and your baby to live with your parent(s) or a close family member? Do you have any thoughts on going back to school via online courses? You need to be looking out for the long-term best interests of you and your baby.
Level with your boyfriend: You are not happy with the current living situation, and it must change. You and the baby need to move out. This is also how you will find out how willing, capable, and mature your boyfriend is, and whether he can get a better job, or two jobs, and do what-ever is necessary to provide a home for his child and the mother of his child.
Move the fuck out