I’ve been with my boyfriend (26) for almost eigth months and I have the feeling he is gay. At the start of our relationship he told me that he had a situationship with another guy, (the reason was that he could not find a girl that he liked and decided to explore with guys) but ultimately he discovered he was straight. I took it as a sign of mental freedom and I didn’t have any problem with it, given that I had a relationship with a girl and define myself as bisexual. However, he has been always very chill, too much for my taste at the point were I started to think that he doesn’t care about me. He texts back in hours (usually more than 10) even on days were he is free. I’ve told him multiple times that I feel ignored and that I have the strong feeling that for him is a chore that he has to complete (usually he asks me how my day has been and that’s it, he respond to my answer directly the day after with another “how are you doing today”). When I was leaving for vacation with my friends and we were not going to see each other for a month, he said that it wasn’t that much time and almost we didn’t say goodbay. I’ve told him that I feel he is not passionate and that he doesn’t care, but he said that it’s because this is his first relationship and he doesn’t know what to do [I think it should be natural to say or do things]. Also the strange thing is that he pursued me, he was the first to say a love you (actually he said it once and then almost never) and he is the one to talk about the anniversary and stuff. If a friend or his mum/ sister call when we are together he always answers. Sexually, it’s strange, we do oral sex and penetrative sex but it is rare and he is always with is eye closed and never says anything (to me it looks like he is thinking about something else). Yesterday he told me more about its experience with guys (he had two situationship, not only one):
- he told me that he really thought that he could have a relationship with one of them but he was too anxious about other people getting to know this side of him (he was anxious about being seen with the guy and coming out)
• he told me that he liked to receive oral sex from both the guys but could not manage to reciprocate
• that the idea of loosing is virginity with a guy didn’t set well with him
To me it looks like he has problem to accept that he likes guy. I understand as also for me has been difficoult to go trough the process of questioning myself and accepting that I like also girls. The fact that he behaves in this extremely chill way with me would make sense if he doesn’t like girls. The other option is that has simply decided that he had to find someone to be together with, even if he is not really in love with me.
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I mean, he could just be not that into you. I really hate the idea of imposing a sexuality on somebody that they deny, like they’re deep in the closet and need our help to come out. Dispassionate, distant men are not exactly a rare species, especially if he’s introverted to begin with.
It sounds like you’re really confused and hurt by the way things are playing out, and honestly, that makes a lot of sense. From what you’ve described, the bigger issue here isn’t necessarily about his sexuality, but about how he’s showing up in the relationship (or not showing up).
He might still be questioning his orientation, or he might truly identify as straight, but either way, his behavior is leaving you feeling neglected, unwanted, and uncertain. That matters. It’s valid to want more communication, affection, and passion from a partner, especially after 8 months together.
People who are inexperienced in relationships sometimes don’t realize how their actions (or lack of them) come across, but it’s not your job to keep lowering your expectations so that you don’t feel disappointed. If he’s struggling with his sexuality, that’s his journey to work through, not something you should have to carry while feeling unloved in the process.
I think the best question to ask yourself is: Am I getting what I need in this relationship right now? If the answer is no, then it’s okay (and healthy) to step back, no matter what his reasons are. You deserve a partner who’s fully present, affectionate, and excited to be with you, not someone who leaves you guessing whether he even wants to be there.
Hey OP, sry to hear you’re dealing with this. Sounds like your BF might still be figuring things out about himself. Being ‘chill’ could be him comfortable with you but also could mean he’s not in the place you are emotionally. Try open convos about how y’all feel, mise well lay it out there, right? Ppl figure out their orientation on their own timelines and sometimes it’s not linear. It’s tough, but remember to look out for your happiness too. Hang in there.✌️
He sounds checked out. Whether he’s gay, bi, or just not that into you, you’re not getting the attention you deserve.
I think the real issue is that your relationship isn’t meeting your expectations, I know you’re looking for a reason, and you might be spot on that he’s more into men than he is willing to admit, but ultimately, you’re posting on reddit because its hurting you. Find somebody who doesn’t make you question if they love you completely, guy or girl. You’re wasting prime days of your youth, and missing opportunities to be happier. Remember, finding a good match is exactly the point of dating, and you’re only doing it wrong if you don’t break up when you should be moving on. Best of luck!
It does sound like he could be more into men than women, but he is in denial to himself, and he’s closeted (doesn’t want others to know he likes men). Regardless of his sexual orientation, the chilly reply times and distant, eyes-closed sex seem to suggest he’s not as into you as you would like.
This is not a “I think he might be gay” type post, because you already knew about his past when you started dating him. He didn’t deceive you about that. So nothing in “how” he treats you looks suspicious, as if he’s hiding a private life from you. He doesn’t seem emotionally tied to you tho.
He just seems indifferent, and his actions indicate that he’s not really too invested in the relationship w/you. The biggest thing was his reaction to you going away for a month, and how he made no special plans to meet up w/you beforehand since you would be gone so long.
At this point he just sounds like a friend, rather than an actual boyfriend.
He is gay
Hey OP, that sounds incredibly draining and painful. Your feelings are completely valid. You’re putting in the effort and getting almost nothing back.
From an outside perspective, it looks like one of two things is happening (or maybe a bit of both):
But honestly, the why doesn’t matter as much as the what. And what’s happening is that your emotional needs are being consistently ignored. You’re in a onesided relationship.
You can’t fix him or force him to be someone he’s not or you are not his mummy. You deserve someone who is excited to be with you and respect you, not someone who treats you like a chore on his own mood and style.
It’s never perfect. I am bi as well. My best friend and I went from just friends to lovers many times. The main thing is a partnership. I went through this same feeling as you too when I moved from AK -land of manly mans to HI where people are ok with effeminate. (Bit of culture shock) But I now have my husband. He moves gracefully so my dumb AK ass was thinking “cute-but gay?” But he was the one to approach me! It just took a long time. 😂some people’s clocks go at different speeds.
The bishop (Hawaii) museum had a good exhibit on “mahu” look up-Mahu healing stones. We are an extra gender. It’s awesome how they did not care about genitalia- those are just parts! After reading many legends it’s clear it was more about loyalty and what you are good at. ❤️
I was like this guy in my first relationship and for me i was just nervous and didn’t want to screw things up
Oh, this one’s easy. Just tell him can’t stick it until you lick it. If he doesn’t, he’s gay or he just doesn’t care about you.