Hi, I (19M) and my girlfriend (19F) have been dating for around 3 months now. For some context, this is my first relationship, but this isn’t her’s.
In the beginning it was pretty sweet, but now we constantly get into arguments that are, unfortunately, caused by me and my anxiety/insecurity/overthinking issues. I think this relationship has so far only exposed so much about myself that I have previously never known. For one, I’ve always kinda thought I was pretty insecure and am an overthinker, but this relationship has just incredibly thrown those traits into the spotlight, which has only made me feel worse and humiliated.
I think I have an anxious attachment style, as I’m always hoping she would initiate things like hanging out, texting first, coming over to me in public, giving physical contact first, wanting me as much as I want her etc. However, she’s someone who’s very independent and can easily, especially in public settings, go without even looking or talking to me for a while. This only makes my anxiety and overthinking worse, and is a horrible cycle. She has told me that honestly, she can go without meeting me for 2-3 days, but for me idk I want to meet her as much as I can. Even hearing that made me feel underprioritized and unloved.
I’ve communicated my needs with her and these concerns, and she has tried to make things easier for me, like giving me reassurance, setting strict boundaries, but I see that it’s very tiring for her, which makes me feel like a horrible boyfriend. I also have this stupid thought that I want her to WANT to do things or hang out, but because I asked her to she’s only doing it as an obligation or something.
Those are some things, but there are others too, like I also am so worried that she would leave me for someone better or have guy friends that I don’t know about. Even seeing her interact with guys is like a punch to my chest, and I don’t doubt her love for me or her commitment, but it’s just never a good thing to see that yk? When I see her having fun with other people too, I feel so jealous and sad for some reason, like I can’t be the one who makes her laugh or happy, but she can do that with other people and other guys.
Her hobbies too, which include music performance, makes me feel sad as well? Like she genuinely has hobbies and a life outside of our relationship, which I know is necessary and good even, but for some stupid reason I can’t handle that because I see it as taking time away from us and that she doesn’t see me as a large priority in her life…which I know is not true so idk why my brain is going crazy lol.
I know that inevitably we’re both going to have to interact somewhat with people of the opposite gender, but idk for some reason it still irks me and doesn’t make me feel good, which makes me feel even worse since I’m constantly doubting her even though I don’t have obvious reason to. She trusts me so much, and all I want to do is trust her too, but my overthinking/insecurity just prevents me from doing that and feeling at ease.
Sometimes I wish I can just stop overthinking or even be less desperate for her attention, but for some reason I feel the only way to do that is to not love her as much as I do. Whenever we have a slight argument, she looks completely fine, while I’m over here stressing out that she’s angry even though she comes off as being chill. I’m always asking her what’s on her mind, but most of the time she tells me “nothing”, and that causes me to just be even more confused because I’m dying inside and she says/looks completely fine. I don’t know if I should take her literally or anything. She is also someone who is able to hide her emotions very well and deal with them herself, while I hate dealing with emotions and always bring them up.
I don’t know if this is normal, but I know I can’t keep living like this because it certainly isn’t healthy for our relationship since this is essentially the only reason we have arguments in the first place. I’m like just so sick and tired of feeling and thinking this way, like my entire soul is just so weary from having so many of these inner emotional conflicts, and I know it’s so tiring for her too. I feel like a child, and I don’t want to keep hurting her and I love her so much. I know she loves me too, and we plan to get married one day, but I think before then I need to solve this about myself…I just don’t know how to go about it. Any advice, reassurance, and opinions would be appreciated.
tl;dr I’m a horrible, insecure, anxious boyfriend who struggles with overthinking while she’s independent, secure, normal, has a life outside the relationship. Don’t know how to heal myself and be more like her.
Comments
3 months is not enough to know if someone is the love of your life, respectfully. You need to work through your issues because what you are putting yourself and her through will most certainly end very poorly.
This is why the saying “you can’t love other people if you don’t love yourself” exists. You have all of these insecurities because you don’t believe you are someone worth loving or having around.
You’re going to have to argue with yourself every time you have a negative thought. She can go 2-3 days without seeing you, and that makes you anxious. Why? Are you worried that means she doesn’t value you as much as you do her? Do you think in that time away from you, she’ll find someone “better”? (As a reference, I can go about 2 weeks without seeing my partner. I’d miss them, and this doesn’t mean I don’t adore them, I just won’t be losing sleep over it. This time frame differs, but 2-3 days is pretty reasonable)
You need to learn to reassure yourself. Space in a relationship is healthy.Having friends and finding joy in thier company is healthy. These are things you want to encourage and even get for yourself. She’s choosing to be with you, not someone else.
You’re in for a long road ahead, there’s a lot of learning you’ll have to do to manage your emotions. I used to be like you when I was your age and it took years of work. There’s no easy fix to this, but the more you resist these reassurance seeking or jealous behaviors, the easier it will get. The more you give in to them, the stronger these insecurities will become because you’re not working on the source, only managing the symptoms by getting reassurance.
It all starts with you, really dive into why you feel insecure, where and when they started. You need to develope a relationship with yourself and see your value so you can be confident that others will see it too.