I am having the hardest time describing what is actually WRONG in my relationship with my mil. Basically, she hasn’t done any of the outright terrible things that some of your MILs have done and im grateful for that. She is mostly fine, but we live very close (think neighbors) and lately shes really grating me. She monopolizes my husband’s time and is constantly talking to him about future things she wants him to do. Now- i know it is on him to say yes or no. Not giving him a pass here, just trying to be patient as he has been working over the past 5 or so years to establish boundaries and has always had my back FOR THE MOST PART. The problem comes when I am upset that he’s doing things for her and says “well she has no one else” – as if that’s my problem. a large part of the breakdown here is she raised him to think this was normal so its a slow burn with opening his eyes to what I believe to be manipulative and undermining behavior.
Example- she asks my kids (ages 8-14) if they want to go see fireworks on July 4 without checking w myself or my husband first
When I told my youngest it was time for bed (830 pm) she said “already?? Its still light out! Geez.”
She makes food for my husband to take to work but never me.
She asked me months ago if I wanted some things she wasn’t using anymore for my son. I told her no. She then went and asked my son directly if he wanted them- and he said yes, so I felt like I couldn’t say no bc he was happy. But he never should have been asked in the first place.
At Christmas she will ask to open presents while my kids are at their dad’s. I always say no ans she always pushes until everyone is so uncomfortable they chime in and try to get me to say yes to “just one”
Its all these little things that as one offs make me feel like im being petty and … jealous?? But when I look at the pattern I feel like there’s something very off here.
Important to note she has no social circle or life outside of her sons.
In all this im realizing what I thought were clear boundaries perhaps weren’t clear enough and some of this is on me to be firm. Im a fairly passive person so its really hard for me to assert dominance but- im realizing that if i dont, this will just continue.
Any advice on how to go about this without just losing my mind?? Thanks in advance. I love this group.
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The next time she asks you about something to do with the kids and you say no, continue to say, “And please do not go behind my back to ask the kids, it undermines me as a parent and teaches them that I can be disrespected as their mom. I know that’s probably not your intention, but that is what happens”. Say it in front of your husband as well. This lays clear boundaries and lets her know you will view this as disrespect. Every now and then your husband may have to remind her that she had her turn as a parent to manage how she handled things with her kids, it’s your turn now. And let her know if she keeps pushing, you will be stepping back.
She’s not evil, just boundary-ignorant and exhausting. Your husband grew up with this, so his “boundaries” are toddler-level. You gotta upgrade them or accept this as the background noise of your life.
Firm no’s, no explanations needed. Kids don’t get veto power over your rules. And yes, stop playing nice, passivity just hands her the remote.
It sucks, but if you don’t draw the line, she’ll keep stepping over it. Your sanity > everyone’s feelings.
Sounds like she’s playing the victim card to guilt trip everyone into doing her bidding. You need to set clear boundaries and have DH enforce them too. Here’s a simple rule: anything concerning the kids or household goes through you or DH, not directly to the kids. Make a list of specific incidents and how you want them handled differently. Present it to DH and work together to establish a united front. Practice assertive responses like “We appreciate the offer, but we’ll handle the kids’ schedules/plans.” Don’t overexplain, just set the boundary and stick to it.