Me and DH recently had our first baby and we are really excited to be parents. However, we are honestly drowning. Between caring for the baby, work, somewhat trying to keep house, online classes, and other responsibilities, things are really overwhelming. We do our best to take turns with the baby and give each other breaks, but there’s just not enough time in the day to get everything done.
My MIL offered for us to come live with her temporarily in order to help care for the baby. She doesn’t live awfully far away but she’s far enough that it isn’t really feasible for her to drive back and forth on a regular basis (assuming I wanted her help).
However, MIL and I have a somewhat strained relationship due to her having seriously meddled in personal matters between me and DH. It hurt our marriage tremendously at the time and took a good deal of communication and healing to bounce back from. This was a fair while ago, 2 years or so, and we don’t have any ongoing conflict. But I don’t trust her whatsoever not to meddle again, especially if we’re under the same roof 24/7. The only issue we really have currently is that every now and then, she’ll give unsolicited advice and it drives me insane. She did this during my pregnancy, “helping” me find a hospital to give birth at when I literally didn’t ask or even imply I wanted help with that. I told her firmly afterwards I didn’t want any more advice or suggestions on my pregnancy/delivery, and she said she would respect my wishes. But she’s even done this in recent weeks, making comments on things we should or shouldn’t do with the baby. Of course, she followed it up with “if you don’t want advice, just let me know”. How many times am I supposed to say that I don’t want ANY advice EVER unless I ask for it? It feels like there’s always a loophole with her; because I don’t want advice on xyz, she’s apparently free to give it on anything else. Her advice isn’t even groundbreaking or insightful when she does give it.
She’s also frequently done this thing where she gushes about xyz part of pregnancy or parenting and says I should do it too. It definitely just feels like a sly way of throwing out advice under the guise of being passionate and reminiscing about her having her kids. Maybe there is something the matter with me, but I can’t imagine being like that. I love my baby and I love being a mom, but I’m not overly invested in kids that aren’t my own. As in, one of my friends recently had a baby too, and I was happy for her and congratulated her and her husband, and told her to reach out if she needs anything. I can’t imagine constantly piping up out of nowhere shoving advice onto someone, or gushing about how xyz baby thing is the best and you absolutely should do it too. I would be so embarrassed and worried that I’d come across as rude.
All that being said, we are having an incredibly difficult time. I have the same issue with my mom and she would be even worse in that she’ll criticize me and DH constantly, and be “appalled” at the messy state of our house. So, unfortunately I do not want to enlist her help whatsoever. She lives even further away and would have to move in with us, and it is already crowded in our small home as it is. We don’t have any other family who could help us.
Should we consider taking MIL up on her offer, or should I just accept that it would do more harm than good?
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Definitely NOT worth it IMO. “Help” always comes with strings attached. Having a new baby is stressful enough. If she comes for 1 day, that may be okay, but definitely not staying there. I personally would find it worth it to hire help if you really need it.
I think it will add much more stress for you if you let her.
Hard NO. It will ruin your mental health which is very important. Do not hire help that you can’t fire.
Have you look into just hiring a helper to clean and cook? This is what I did and it helped me breathe a little bit.
Nope right outta that. She’ll add another layer of chaos that you dont need
DON’T do it. It will 100% cause a strain in your marriage. She will completely over step a little more day by day.
If you can afford to hire a housekeeper every two weeks to clean the kitchen and bathroom if you can. Don’t worry about keeping a perfect house, your mental health is more important.
Don’t do it. You will regret it. Tough it out it will get better.
Don’t do it! She will take over, she will do what she wants with lo. She will act like lo knows her best and vice versa. Maybe have her come for a weekend so that you can get caught up. Just know that as lo gets older, things will be easier. Once lo and you sleep more, it will all seem better.
Is there no one else at all to help? No friends, other family, trusted neighbors?
I did it alone with my son. My husband hardly helped, but I didn’t work and only had my baby and house for responsibilities. It does get easier.
I stopped reading after “MIL offered.” that’s all I needed to know. DO. NOT. DO. IT!
My MIL “helped” with our first. Watched her part time (year and half) and then full time (paid) for about a year. At first it was great. I got to work, got caught up with projects, figured out how to get a lot of home things done, packed her lunch/diaper bag and it seemed to work. Honeymoon period. Everyone was happy.
Then the comments started. Small things at first that you wouldn’t bat an eye at. “Your lunches are too fancy for LO.” Yes, slicing strawberries and cutting the crust off a sandwich is over the line. Turned into complaints and demands. “I want to take LO [on a four hour trip] but you said no!” Or, “you don’t seem to be very motherly like I am.” For my DH, she would say that I was “controlling” for sending packed lunches? I’m demanding for asking why my daughter came home with makeup, painted nails and new clothes at 3.
It went from “I’ll babysit to get more time with LO” to “I’m more of a parent than you and you are taking advantage of my generosity.” Yes, while paying her a full, normal rate and making sure she had zero expenses for our LOs care. When we ended her babysitting, she tried to tell us we weren’t allowed. Cue the laughter.
We’re now NC. We almost got divorced because MIL meddled, guilt tripped my FOG DH. I was blamed for any issue our LO had. I was blamed for not sending cute clothes. She put lotion on my daughter that I’m allergic to and somehow that was my fault? We found out MIL was emotionally manipulative to our LO so it’s been a process working to correct issues. Our LO baby talks when she gets anxious or upset (MIL encouraged it). So. Many. Problems.
If I could go back, I would. Sure, I paid off some bills and helped get our finances in a better spot, but the rest of the issues aren’t worth it.
OP, let your house be messy. Eat the frozen dinners. Bask in the dirty laundry. Eventually, you’ll start to get back energy. You’ll adjust and get things done. But don’t feel obligated to be Super Mom. Just be a Mom. You got this!
You can do this on your own. My mom would come over every day for the first week with our 1st child, and I got less rest than I would have without her. I stayed alone with the second. This was before husbands got leave. I found having someone there more stressful than being alone.