In the wild, messy world of blended families, we expect some drama. We expect some awkwardness. But what we don’t expect is a mom to get furious because her daughter’s new step-parent is… checks notes… too cool, too interesting, and just an all-around positive influence. But alas, here we are.
Our narrator is a mom to a 10-year-old girl named Emily. She and Emily’s dad, Dan, divorced eight years ago after Dan came out as gay and got together with his partner, Jim. Mom has also remarried, to a “typical stepfather” named Nick.
The custody is 50/50, but the “vibe” is not. Mom, Dad, and Nick all come from “very conservative Christian backgrounds.” Jim, the ex’s new partner, is from a “very left-wing Jewish-Italian family.” And Emily, a “free spirit,” has found her person.
The “problem,” according to Mom, is that Emily is “obsessed” with Jim. They get on “like a house on fire.” And the evidence for this “problematic” obsession? Emily has started walking around barefoot… because Jim does. She eats her eggs hard-boiled… because Jim does. She talks about how funny Jim is. The horror. The absolute horror.
This isn’t just a new annoyance, either. Mom already had to “put my foot down” last year when Emily—a 10-year-old child!—started calling Dan and Jim her “dads”… but didn’t call Nick her dad. This, right here, is the key. This isn’t about Jim. This is about Nick. Mom is not-so-secretly fuming that her daughter prefers the “fun” new guy to her “typical” new guy.
But it all came to a head last month. Emily came home from her dad’s house and “proudly” showed off… a new skill. Jim had been teaching her Italian. And she, being a 10-year-old, loved it. She told her mom it was “fun to have ‘secret conversations'” and that she was the “only child” who could “carry it on.”
This is, by any objective measure, a good thing. The kid is bonding with a parental figure, she’s engaged, she’s learning a new language and culture. She is happy.
But Mom? Mom was “really annoyed.” And her reasoning is just a spectacular mess of insecurity. She’s mad because 1) Emily isn’t really Jim’s child, 2) She doesn’t have an “ancestral language” to “carry on” because her family “only speaks English” (what?), and 3) The real, unvarnished truth: “I also felt like this made her relationship with Nick even more unequal as he doesn’t have another language to teach her and bond with her over.”
So, this isn’t about Emily at all. This is about her new husband Nick not being able to “compete” with Jim.
The narrator, now fully in her feelings, called her ex-husband Dan to complain that Jim was “stepping over the line” and “getting too involved.” Involved in… what, exactly? Being a kind, present, and interesting person?
Dan, her ex, got “uncharacteristically angry.” And he delivered a line so perfect, so true, that it deserves to be framed. He said that if she had a problem with Emily being closer to Jim, “it was up to Nick to build up his relationship with Emily, not up to Jim to tear his down.”
Boom. Mic drop. End of story, right?
Wrong. Mom actually tried to argue back, saying Nick can’t just be the “fun parent” because he has to be the “only father figure in our household.” Which… makes no f*cking sense. Dan is also her father figure. Nick is the stepfather. She’s just mad Jim is better at it.
Dan, having had enough of this, called her “ridiculous” and “homophobic.” And now, the sad part. Emily, who obviously heard from her dad that her mom complained about her having fun, has stopped talking about Jim. She’s “frosty.” And Nick’s attempts to bond? They’re falling flat.
So, is Mom the ahole? Yes. Good lord, yes. You are the ahole. You are so blinded by your own jealousy and insecurity on behalf of your new husband that you are actively trying to sabotage your daughter’s beautiful, positive relationship with another caring adult in her life.
You just taught your 10-year-old that her joy is an inconvenience to you. And for what? Because your new husband is, apparently, as boring as unseasoned toast? That’s a you problem, honey. Not a Jim problem.
I think you are out of line. I fail to see why Nick must have a relationship with Emily that is equal to Jim’s. It seems to me that this is a problem you, the narrator, created. Not one that Jim or Emily have caused. I would think you should be thankful that your daughter has a friend in Jim and that she has adjusted well to her father coming out rather than turning this into your personal competition between your new husband and your ex-husband’s new partner. It seems like misplaced jealousy more than anything. YTA, I think.
Yes you are the AH and a homophobe . You better chill because you will loose . But I’m afraid it’s not in you to change so I hope she continues to thrive at dads house