Opinions please
Any one else with a MIL like this?
Young couple , multiple kids, strained mother and son relationship ( my DH & MIL)
It first started MIL didnt want to be called grandma , said it aged her.
( DH said to bed thats what the title is none of this secondy mommy crap when they aren’t even close)
Tried to include her then slowly but surly she started her crap and threw fits involving siblings and was distanced from our lives.
Then she noticed she wasnt welcomed , tried to embrace the title grandma ( đź‘Ź)
Comments like “i love my grandbabies”( who she doesnt see)
” Kiss my grand babies” ( who dont know who she is)
Just in general throwing out her title but heres the kicker…… She never asks about them, over 2 years since her tantrums and being distanced and hasnt even meant half the grandkids . Wont ask about them in text tho she text frequently to check in to make sure she still has some form of contact . Never asks what the kids are doing, what they like, what size are they, what cartoons ect just the random” i love my grandbabies”…
When asked why she doesnt ask details to know who the kids are , what they like , id be surprised if she even knew their eye color…. She blames me DIL and DH
Says we dont give her access to our home . The audacity after shes the one who caused visits to stop….now she claims she can only be a grandma if she can have full access to visit our home whenever she wants and not just her she always includes the sibling who we dont have a relationship with either . Its a them package or she cant be a grandma i guess. She wants to be able to come over when ever she wants and thats the only way she can be a grandma and know and ask questions about the kids.
DH has put gis foot down by saying since you lost those privileges throwing a fit and involving family you now can slowly start by rebuilding that through phone communication and building back up the comfort of him know who she is to want to invite her into our home and kids lifes . If you dont seem interested in asking about the kods why are we going to invite you into pur personal safe space and have the kids interact with who has up until now been a stranger and never meant them ?
Why does she need to come to our home in order to be a grandma? Why cant MIL ask about them in general and get to know things they like ect ….first.
And not only that work on building a relationship back with her son DH and me DIL ??
Any one else with this problem?
Opinions?
And are we the problem as parents?
Young and genuinely confused at this point and qe havent even dipped our toe into the other problems or back history
Comments
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She wants you to facilitate an easy, superficial relationship with your kids so she can pretend to be so active, so immersed, such a good grandma to the outside world. It’s about the facade of family, not building the actual cornerstone or any relationship. Why make plans when she decides to be a grandma spur of the moment and just for a moment?
My mother was exactly like this from not wanting to be grandma to fake caring about her grandchildren. I tried to facilitate a good relationship, be available, invite her over, take LO down to visit, include her in events. It was all for nothing. People make time for what they value. Actions speak louder than words. Just remember her actions NOW show you how much she values fitting into your (and your children’s) lives. Chaos, drama, denial and finger pointing don’t show someone who really care about the kiddos.
She wants the unearned title. I’m a Nene (my grandson 1 picked my name) I know his favorite color, I know what shows he likes, his favorite toys, his bedtime routine, his brother is still on only boob juice but does something every time he eats, I have cleaned both their blowouts, spit ups, throw up. I know when they are sick. I am their parents back up support. You gotta earn grandma standing, not demand it.