I posted recently about finally sending a long-overdue email to my MIL after years of mistreatment. I wanted to hold my ground and draw boundaries. Some people around me said I was too harsh — so I posted the exact email here to get feedback. Now, I want to share her full response and ask again: Was I out of line?
Here’s the email I sent, word for word:
I’ve held my tongue for far too long, but I won’t stay silent while you continue to disrespect me and the life your son and I are building together.
I love your son more than the sun in the sky. He is everything to me. But instead of being happy for him, you’ve made it your personal mission to humiliate, exclude, and degrade me at every turn. And I’m done pretending any of this is okay.
Let’s go down the list of things you’ve said and done:
• You’ve called me a drug addict for legally using weed in a state where it’s fully legal — the same as your son.
• You’ve called me a walking red flag because you wanted to make my wedding all about you. I told you I have trauma and avoid the snow.
• You’ve said I’m white trash, and that my entire family is white trash.
• You told people that you hope we get divorced before we have children so that he’s “not tied to that white trash family.”
• You made my engagement about you, throwing a tantrum because you weren’t in the country and demanding he postpone proposing.
• You didn’t show up to our engagement party — no reason given, no explanation, just more silence and distance when it suited you.
• You wore a white fur coat to my wedding like you were the star of the show.
You know what’s trashy? Gossiping and degrading your son’s wife… as if you’re his old girlfriend.
It’s creepy, it’s inappropriate, and it says far more about you than it ever has about me.
If you’re willing to speak this way about me now, there is no doubt in my mind you’d do even worse around any future children we will have. That’s not a risk I’ll ever take.
So here’s where things stand:
I will no longer be engaging with you.
There will be no communication between us until I decide I’m willing to have that conversation.
The only reason I’m not cutting you out completely is because I love your son, and I don’t want to be the reason he or his siblings and FIL lose a relationship with him.
But understand this — my kindness on that front is not an invitation. It is a boundary, and it is conditional.
And here’s her response, with all names removed:
Dear OP,
This is a great deal to unpack. Let me start by saying I don’t do drama. I am far too busy for sophomoric behavior on the part of others.
The fact that you believed someone without even asking me if any of it was true demonstrates to me your lack of faith and trust in me. Your list of grievances with me is mostly things from the past that I thought we had already hashed out between the two of us, and we had started fresh. Clearly, that is not the case. When you said you were willing to forgive and move forward, that is not what happened, or you would not be bringing up old issues.
I have been trying hard for the last few months to include you and treat you as my child. I have never made any attempt to “humiliate” you, so I am not sure where that is coming from. Could you provide an example of when you felt I “humiliated” you in some way? I have invited you to participate in events, which you often do not attend. Additionally, I have never “degraded” you. Again, an example of how I “degraded” you in some way would be insightful for me given I have never made any attempt to do so.
In the last couple of months, I felt that things were going well and that you were making more of an effort to participate in our family gatherings and events, such as the family photos, calling me from your trip to Florida, and attending our July 4th party. I told other family members as much during a recent farewell party. I showed them the lovely gift basket you made for me and even told them that you could make a business selling the gift baskets. I guess the good things I said fell on deaf ears.
I called that person and let her know that I no longer wanted anything to do with her. She eavesdropped on a conversation others were having and took bits and pieces of a conversation she wasn’t privy to. She then regurgitated what she thought she knew to your mother and to you. That same person later said she was “pressured” by your mom to share what she thought I said. Knowing her, it didn’t take much of a push. I’ve known her since she was a child. She’s a drama queen and always has been. She’s had difficulty making and keeping friends in life as a result. Your husband can verify this.
You can choose not to “engage” with me, but that leaves your husband caught in the middle. If you love him, you will not put him in such an awkward position. He cannot “stay out of it” because this is his family. That includes you and us. He shouldn’t have to choose between the two of us, but feel loved and supported by us both.
I want you to feel loved and supported by our family, too, but you have to be open to it, and I do not feel that has been the case. I believe, based on what you have told me about your life, that you do not trust other people. That is a very lonely way to live life. I think anyone who knows me will tell you I am fiercely loyal. If you are one of my people, I will go to the mat for you. I was, and am, willing to do that for you, but I expect that to be reciprocated. Don’t let others come between us.
Finally, I do not appreciate the veiled threat regarding any future children you and your husband may have. I do not take threats lightly, but I am willing to forgive you for the comments, as I know you must have been angry when you wrote this. Please do not do it again. That is one of my boundaries. It demonstrates a hateful, vindictive personality, which I would like to believe isn’t who you are.
If you ever want to know what I have done, said, or think, I am happy to have a civil discussion with you. The sheer fact that you would not answer or return a phone call demonstrates either an unwillingness to hear that the person who shared this information wasn’t fully honest with you, or an unwillingness to give me the benefit of the doubt when I have demonstrated an eagerness to include you in our family.
Actions speak louder than words, and I have tried to treat you with love, compassion, and as my own child in the last few months since you became our daughter, and yes, you are our daughter.
When you are ready to have an open and honest discussion, I am here.
So… Was my email really too far, or is this just her gaslighting me again? And yes I did respond to her after this i didn’t add that response yet. I’d also like to update that my husband is aware and I am the one who told him. He’s telling both me and his mother that he is not involved and he is Switzerland.
The back story is linked below
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Other posts from /u/ClearButterscotch870:
^(To be notified as soon as ClearButterscotch870 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe ClearButterscotch870 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
No. Fk that btch. I can see how slick she is at covering her nasty tracks. The phrase that screams narcissisn the loudest to me is “name an example of when I …”
Hold your ground. You’ve let her know that you will not tolerate her toxicity. Nothing else to say.
That is the epitome of gaslighting and lack of accountability. I would not respond and there would be no further communication. Not taking responsibility for calling you and your family white trash would be the absolute end for me. You are not overreacting and should disengage.
Your husband is involved. You wouldn’t interact with his mother without him. Go NC with her and be done with it. Your message is understandable, but you also held on to so much and gave way too much detail. The fact of the matter is, she has a long pattern of disrespect and she doesn’t care. My MIL also said she treated me like a daughter and THAT is the problem. She is an emotionally abusive non-maternal mother and I am NOT HER CHILD. Nor are you.
Your husband can’t expect you to put up with his mom’s disrespectful behavior and think any outcome will benefit him in any way. Go NC and if he doesn’t like it, get couples counseling. You love him enough to put up with his awful mother, he doesn’t love you enough to make dang sure you’re treated with basic dignity and respect.
Wow. I’m so impressed with your first email. Sorry she gaslighting you. I wouldn’t respond at this point. You said your piece.
Yikes, paragraphs please.
Your husbands choice not make a choice is the whole problem. You wouldn’t have went in so hard if you weren’t at your limit with her. Decide what you can accept at just act accordingly. The whole email was meant to throw you off. She wants to make sure if your husband sees it she comes across as the victim. Let him go to her with the your child for visits. Protect your peace. Obviously your husband can’t. ( married 20 years and still dealing with the shit you are)
Idk enough about your situation to really make a judgment, I think. But a few things stand out to me. For one, you list some horrible behavior from early in your relationship, and she doesn’t even attempt to deny it. That is objectively shitty behavior. Her response is essentially “we’re past that.” 2, she doesn’t apologize. Had I said those things in the past, I would have at a minimum said something like, “you know i feel terribly about how poorly I behaved.” 3, she as much as admitted her “difficult” friend told the truth and she was talking shit at the wedding.
So I’m inclined to say that she is trying to pretend to be reasonable in order to play victim. But the only thing I’m 100% certain of is that I would not have children with this man unless there’s major progress through therapy.
Sounds like she’s trying to say that everything that happened before you got married is done and dusted and therefore cannot be mentioned ever again. She has decreed that all in her kingdom forget and you’re not doing your job missy!
Sorry JNMIL, a pattern of past behavior will always be used to predict future behavior. If you’d like that to change you’ll have to build trust and show real change. People never like to put in the work but there’s no shortcuts to rebuilding trust.
A response from a normal person would be “Oh no! Our relationship is so important to me and I want my son to have a happy family dynamic. I’m so sorry that I treated you this way and that it had such an impact on you. Please let me know what I can change going forward, in my words or behavior, to make this right and earn back your trust.”
Instead, she admits to absolutely no fault, denies that things happened, attacks you, and questions your memory and interpretation of events. Classic DARVO and gaslighting. All of her concern is clearly for herself feeling right and nothing else. I’m so sorry.
People like this have an image of themselves in their head, as perfect, successful, admired, etc, and any threat to that image or narrative is met with this kind of response. She will destroy anyone and anything to defend her narrative about herself, because that’s what narcissists do.
She said “…He shouldn’t have to choose between the two of us…” She needs to understand that he already chose you. He asked you to become his wife and he married you, and created a new nuclear family. She is now extended family. his nuclear family comes first, his extended family comes second. She has no business saying that to you. And this is just one of many things in her response that is offensive. Where is your husband with all of this? I certainly hope he has a nice shiny spine, and puts you first, and tells his mother to stay in her lane. If he does not, you need marriage counseling, or a divorce attorney.
It isn’t important which of you is right when your whole ass husband is sitting there saying he is Switzerland!!! Brother, you can’t say you’re Switzerland when you’re married? “Through sickness and health” means NOTHING if you’re not willing to stand up for and protect your wife! If he disagrees with you, then he can have a mature conversation with you about why, but he can’t just sit there and let his wife beef with his mother just because these discussions are too difficult to have. That is straight COWARDLY behavior and not how a married man should behave. You don’t marry a girl and say, “In sickness and health” unless you are 100% sure you can take her side in whatever business she makes- you guys are ride or dies now. If you go to jail, you go together. Stop with this Switzerland nonsense fr.
Tell your husband I said the above and I’m about to beef with him if he doesn’t knock it tf off.
Now sis, your MIL cannot call you and your family “white trash” any minimum of times and then turn around and say she has your back. SHE DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BACK. Once she thinks you’re white trash, she will always think you’re white trash, unless she meets Jesus Christ and is baptized by the Holy Spirit. Do you know how I know this??? Because let’s say you get pregnant and decide to cut her access to the baby…….HOW do you think she will react? She will 100% think, “omg she is such a bitch. I knew it, I knew she was white trash.” Those nasty thoughts she silenced will come straight back because she had the ability to think them in the first place. This lady does not go to bat for you, she doesn’t f with you. We know this.
Also, did you notice how she kept calling it HER family? But she insists you are her daughter??? Lol. She thinks she is the matriarch of the family and you are someone who joined HER family. But I beg to differ- when a man marries a woman, he leaves his family to create a new family of his own and his WIFE becomes the matriarch of this new family unit. I say this because it is telling about her mindset regarding your place in the family, no matter how much she harps on about treating you like a daughter.
Anyway, stop engaging with her. Stop emailing her. There is NO good to come out of fighting with her when your husband is on the sidelines refusing to have your back. Remember- this ISN’T about her at all. All of this comes back to your relationship with your DH. He is the start and the finish.
She thinks you’re white trash whilst wearing a white fur coat to a wedding…I can only see one trashy person.
Does she think she’s Cruella De’vil?
That sounds extremely manipulative and unhinged. Do not engage, cut the rope, and be done. Good luck.
What’s your goal in writing the letter?
Based on your answer, I’ll give my feedback almost what you wrote.
Your mil could be my mil twin.
I’m about to tell mine this: Protection looks a lot like control to people who do not understand boundaries and lack accountability for their actions.
You’re welcome to steal it
Easy reply.
“Your inability to recognize the harmful nature of your own behavior is no longer my problem. As I said, we will not have a relationship going forward.
If (husband) wants to continue to have a relationship with you, he can do so. He can go see you, he can reach out to you, whatever he feels is best.
But you will no longer be a person in my life. This is the last I’ll contact you. I hope you find the strength of will to better yourself as a human being.”
Then block. If she shows up, tell your husband she’s not to be in the house. Lock the doors. Block her number. Shut her out. If she actually manages to get face to face, look bored and walk away. If she’s making a scene in public, speak to anyone around; “This elderly woman seems very upset. Has anyone seen her guardian or the person minding her? She doesn’t seem in control of herself.”
It’s useless to reply to her as if you’re going to have a conversation: she’s DARVO’ing you in her super passive aggressive, gaslighty shitty reply. Just shut that shit down and don’t look back.
Your husband is absolutely a mommas boy and a problem because he’s literally the ONLY reason why you’d ever even met this woman let alone need to talk to her!!! Him saying he’s “staying neutral” is literally him taking her side….because you’re supposed to be his wife!!!! Partners are supposed to have each other’s backs not their mommy’s
Provide her screenshots of her mistreatment and especially the recent ones, and say that to move forward doesn’t mean to forget what she’s done and to act like nothing has happened because now damage is done.
She’s gaslighting you and refusing to accept accountability. Do not respond. Just block her
She’s making you the problem is what I see in her email. She also doesn’t validate that you don’t feel respected from her prior name calling that she believes she apologized for, trust and respect (when gone) needs to be rebuilt (by her to you), she doesn’t get a “free pass” when she hasn’t spent the time to reconcile with you. Instead, she’s like “well you don’t come to our family things, and for 2 months I treated you like our daughter- but you don’t show up”… except to play Gotchta! with her “you made me a gift basket so obviously we’re good”… which um, did she ever do something thoughtful for you? Doesn’t sound like it.
I think sending this woman an email telling her of your plans hasn’t worked out. She should just be dealt with on the sly without her knowing anything. She claims she doesn’t like drama (wrong) and that you engage in drama (no, you don’t), but she actually LOVES the drama she can fabricate from the email you sent expressing your boundaries and feelings.
I think this is where decent people go wrong. You are a decent human who expects other people to receive your rational requests. But not everyone is decent. Some people are just bad eggs. You have to treat them like you know this. If they aren’t struck from your life, you have to put them on the outer circle. Do what YOU want to do. Don’t ask permission. Don’t offer gifts to someone who doesn’t respect you. Also keep these toxic creatures on an information diet. Ask the DH to not talk about your family’s plans with his mother. I think it would be really hard to give someone my time/energy who called me “white trash”.
Your email was a long time coming, and it’s clear you’ve been pushed to your limit. MIL’s response is classic gaslighting, denying her behavior, playing the victim, and trying to shift the blame. She’s also trying to guilt trip you into re-engaging by using your husband as leverage. Your boundaries are clear, and it’s time to stand firm. Don’t let her manipulate you into doubting yourself.
Shes a narcissist. This could’ve been a discussion I had with my mother. There is so much delusion involved that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can do is get your husband on your side. If he stays Switzerland then you are in for a lifetime of this and she will move on to poisoning your children. Ask me how I know. I say if your husband doesn’t get a spine of steel and come down on your side , get out. Don’t bring any children into the world and find a man who will stand by your side and whose family embraces you.
Nah, your email was spot-on. Her response is textbook gaslight deluxe, pretending she’s the victim and twisting facts to dodge accountability. You set boundaries; she’s just mad she can’t control the narrative. Keep your eyes open and your guard up.
Maybe I read too fast but it sounded like she took zero responsibility and vaguely threatened you about the grandkids bit.
My best advice is to not respond. She knows you straight up said you will talk to her when you are ready…. but she asked questions through out. Nope. It might be tempting to list more things and provide very clear examples, but don’t. It will drive her way crazier to only get silence because that will mean you are capable of really following through on what you said. She’s baiting you to prove she’s still able to manipulate you. She also plans on making this very difficult for your husband as she made it very clear she knows he’s stuck in the middle and that tells me she plans you use that.
She’s willing to forgive you??? Oh my. I would be done with her. I would not send her anymore emails, just block her.
Her first little paragraph alone says she’s not listened to a word you’ve said. “I don’t do drama” “I’m far too busy for sophomoric behaviour.” Basically, you’re beneath me and I won’t be giving a crap.
Your husband doesn’t get to be Switzerland. He already picked a side. He did that the day he exchanged vows with you. You might remind him that those vows are not supposed to just be meaningless words you mouth quickly in front of people in an effort to get to the party that follows. He either meant them or he didn’t, and it’s time for him to state which the case is. Knowing that will give you a clearer view of your path forward.
The gaslighting and deflection and denial are all strong with this JustNo.
“I don’t do drama” is the national anthem of the drama mama.
She’s absolutely gaslighting you. Give her a list of times you felt disrespected so she can tell you how you’re wrong and she never did that – except she thought this was hashed out already, so clearly not the first time. Oh, and it’s not true that she said these things about you and your family, you’ve got an unreliable source – but also, there’s mitigating context, so, she did say them but thinks she can talk you in circles if she can get you to listen.
And catch that threat to your husband? You don’t get to decide you don’t want to talk to her anymore – drop it or else she’s going to put him in the middle and blame it on you.
You gotta stop taking her bait, and hold the line on having nothing to do with her. That includes not responding when your husband tries to whine at you to get along – if he wants to be Switzerland, make him actually be Switzerland and stay out of it.