Hi Reddit! Long-time lurker, first-time poster — you know the deal.
This is a bit confusing to write, so bear with me.
Some quick backstory: I (25F) have been with my partner (28M) for three years, and we’ve been engaged for six months.
When we first got together, we were super sexually active — the honeymoon phase was strong. But after the first month or so, things calmed down pretty quickly. We fell into that comfortable, “old married couple” kind of routine. We were really in love, but the sex just… kind of slowed down.
He would sometimes say he wasn’t in the mood — and at first, it was a few days, then a couple of weeks. Eventually, the gaps between became longer. When he was in the mood, the sex was amazing — but it became more and more infrequent. Looking back, I now realize he’s just not a very sexual person.
At the time, though, I thought I was doing something wrong. I’d ask him what was going on, and he always had a reason — stress, work, tiredness, whatever. Every excuse under the sun. I didn’t understand it then, and it really hurt my confidence.
A few months ago, we had a serious talk. He opened up and said he thinks he might be greysexual — not asexual, but somewhere on that spectrum. He does experience sexual attraction, but it’s rare or comes in waves, and just not at the same level I do.
That conversation was a lot. I’m really proud of him for figuring that out and for being brave enough to tell me — I know that wasn’t easy. I want him to feel safe and accepted and not broken. His sexuality is valid, and I love him for who he is.
But… I’m also struggling. I’m still a very sexual person, and this new understanding has made me realize — this isn’t a “problem” we’re going to “fix.” This is just who he is. And that leaves me wondering: am I going to be sexually unfulfilled forever?
It’s also worth mentioning that I once thought I was asexual, due to some tough experiences in childhood (trying not to get demonetized here!). But in adulthood, when I began reclaiming and exploring my sexuality for me, it felt incredibly empowering. That’s part of why this matters so much — it’s a part of myself I fear having to compromise. But at the same time, I want him to be true to himself too. It’s just… a lot.
We’ve talked about options, like an open relationship. I’ve had experience with them before, and I know they can work with the right boundaries and communication. He’s completely new to the idea. He’s admitted that the thought of me being with someone else might reinforce his fear that he’s not enough, but we’ve talked about it and he agrees it’s something we can explore more in therapy. To be clear — I’d never push him into anything he’s not comfortable with. It’s just one of the few options on the table. I really don’t want him to feel broken. He’s said he wants me to have my needs met, and he’s open to continued discussion about how we can achieve that together.
And I don’t know — I’m just feeling really torn.
It’s important to say this: he’s amazing. Like, truly one of the best people I’ve ever known. He’s kind, thoughtful, rubs my feet when I get home, buys me flowers — all that good stuff. I love him so much. But I keep thinking… if marriage is about love, friendship, and sex — and one of those pieces is missing — then what are we? Are we just best friends?
Is this a sign the relationship is ending? Or do I just not understand greysexuality well enough yet?
Any advice, insight, or personal experiences would mean a lot. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
P.S. We’re starting therapy (both couples and individual) in two weeks. Just wanted to get some outside perspective in the meantime!
TL;DR:
I (25F) am engaged to my amazing partner (28M), and over time, I’ve realized we’re mismatched sexually. He recently came out as greysexual, which helped things click, but I’m still feeling really sexually unfulfilled. We’ve talked about the idea of an open relationship (I’ve done it before, he hasn’t), and we’re starting therapy soon to work through it. I love him deeply and want to respect both our needs, but I’m feeling torn and unsure about what the future looks like. Any advice or insight welcome.