I (F30) and my partner (M39) have been together for 10 years now. We have 3 kids (5yo and twins almost 2). Since becoming parents, our relationship has gone downhill.
To be clear: he does a lot for the kids (gets them ready in the morning, takes them to school/daycare, shares household tasks). He is a good dad. The problem however isn’t the practical stuff… it’s the emotional effort and initiative.
For our anniversary, I gave him a personalized Pokémon card (we’re gamers) and a Cinema Culinair dinner+film experience. He gave me a photo album and an external hard drive. Sweet, but it felt more practical than thoughtful. Because I have told him time and time again how it would be nice to have some quality time. It reminded me of the bigger pattern: I’m always the one initiating dates, gifts, quality time, and even keeping his friendships alive.
When our first child was a few months old, we had a terrible neighbor (loud music, drugs, domestic violence… yes I called the police multiple times). One night I went over to ask him to turn the music down. As I was tired and over it and he had loud music on most nights of the week. He got in my face, pressed his forehead against mine, insulted me and called me names… Very agressive behavior over all. My partner just stood there, pulled me away eventually, but said nothing when the neighbor called me names again. To this day it hurts… he didn’t protect me or stand up for me.
During my twin pregnancy I told him I was scared of being overwhelmed by the twins and even scared of getting PPD and asked him to be alert. After their birth I cried constantly, had rage episodes and sometimes I left the house in the middle of the night. He brushed it all off as “normal postpartum behavior.” It wasn’t until one day, when I was sobbing on the floor next to the twins because I couldn’t soothe them, that I realized how bad it was and got help. I was diagnosed with PPD. It still hurts that he didn’t see it, even after I asked him to and talked to him about all my worries and the warning signs. And after I got help he was still brushing it off as normal in this period of our life.
We’re in couples therapy (finally, after me asking for months) and I’ve set a 3-month trial with clear expectations (daily check-ins, planned activities, no burying problems). But he’s been “promising change” for years, and rarely follows through. I feel emotionally alone, resentful, and stuck… financially and emotionally. I don’t know if I can do another 10 years of this. What are your thoughts, is this going to work in the long run?
TL;DR: Together 10 years, 3 kids. He shares household and childcare, but takes little emotional initiative in our relationship. I’ve begged for more effort and support (even during my PPD), but he brushes things off. We’re in therapy and on a 3-month trial, but I feel emotionally abandoned and don’t know if I want another 10 years. Is this going to work in the long run?
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He’s shown you who he is and what he’s capable of. Believe him. If its not enough you know what you need to do.
I think people can change a bit but typically do not change drastically. Overall he is not going to become a totally different person. Sounds like you might be better as coparents but not lovers. Can you discuss the potential to live apart, separate, and date other people?
Only you can know what’s truly important to you.
I’m not going to tell you leave, you don’t seem in a dangerous situation. But you are setting yourself up for a lot of resentment.
You are the only one who can make the call.
I’m telling you my personal take. Note that I’m a person who’s very fine being single and on my own.
If my partner is dedicating less time to the relationship to provide more for the family I’d be up to that. That means I expects nannies, nice house without neighbours, housekeepers/cleaners, therapist at call. If that’s the case I’d be fine with the relationship.
If my partner can’t afford that but does all these things himself I’d be also fine with that.
A partner that does neither, not because of external circumstances but because of who he is not a partner of mine.
It’s good that at least youre both doing therapy. Maybe give this a shot for those 3 months, and then look honestly if you feel there’s enough to move forward with. You have 3 kids together… I cant imagine how difficult it will be if you become a single mom. That is the only reason I am thinking it’s worth it for you to try and still fight for your relationship.
I personally know some couples who have kids where the romance is long gone, dead and buried. They stick together though, while their kids are still so small. I know it sounds fake, but if you can both agree that youre just trying to be good parents not lovers anymore, maybe it can give some sort of peace of mind? And when the time is right you can leave… because it can sound a bit like you’re trying to fight for some kind of romance or deep emotional involvement from his side, that he for some reason is not capable of. At the same time youre describing him as a good dad thst helps making your everyday life easier. You kind of need to have a plan at least on how to still be a good parent if you want to leave when the kids are still small…
Does he know you’re considering leaving?
I’m childfree but had a 9 year relationship with a man on the autism spectrum (I have ADHD). He was and is an awesome person, we got along really well, living together was drama free, he was musical, he had hobbies, friends, was super supportive and kind. I’m 41 now and left in 2019, hrs 9 years older.
But I had to do all of the emotional work, anticipate his needs and wants, at the end I walked on eggshells, communication was very hard and we were sexually incompatible, I had to initiate 100%. Plus all my problems worries he asked to tell my girlfriends, not him, towards the end. It was like living with your best, platonic friends. When he wanted to not h“hear about my day or my worries“ anymore (and I wasn’t a constant complainer or moaner at all), I felt a fundamental part of having a life partner was missing for me. I had more involved, emotional and personal conversations with my friends (of both sexes) at that point and I didn’t want a relationship anymore with someone who didn’t cherish this.
Things were overall good for 6 years, the last 2 I tried to make it work and me stay. But I couldn’t. He didn’t fight me when I left.
I am happily solo now. Only WE can say what is „a partner“ to us and what doesn’t cut it. You’ve told him and he doesn’t change or listen when you tell him his needs? That definitely needs to be addressed in therapy and you need to find out how much time you’re gonna give him.
30 and 39, and together 10 years? Who could have predicted he’d be a shitty partner? /s
I do believe people can change, with the right motivation.
Unfortunately, for a lot of marriages that comes after the separation and is a reason ‘walk away wife’s is such a prevalent thing.
It’s good you’re in therapy together – how long have you been in therapy for? What have his responses been like in therapy?
Has he got specifics from you about what “quality time” looks like to you? E.g. is it chilling on the sofa with a movie at home, or is it going out to do something simple like eating, or doing something more dressed up, or is it doing something adventurous or learning something together? I think it can differ a lot from person to person and he might assume he is giving you quality time with something that doesn’t equal that for you at all.
You were 20 and he was 29 when you got together? What do you think about those ages now that you’re older? How different do you think you might be now, vs when you were 20? I think when I was 20 I was still very immature and very unaware of myself, what I wanted, what made me upset, and other people’s behaviours too. I would let a lot of things slide at age 20 that I wouldn’t at 30 or now (late 30s).
Did you have some of these concerns before you had kids, or only after kids? Or did you notice these behaviours before kids but they didn’t bother you? Etc
And I’m intrigued to know if he’s had the direct question put to him around his actual response to your PPD issues not being what you asked of him (I assume he agreed at the time to be alert for PPD and to act on it if he saw any of the signs-?). If so, what is his answer – why didn’t he respond as required?
Did you agree between you what signs would mean things had strayed into PPD territory as well, when you asked him to be alert for it?
I listened to a podcast recently called On Attachment and the podcaster is this Australian lady with a lovely, calm, soft voice that feels full of sympathy and empathy. She has lots of great advice. Listening to her podcast helped me feel calm when I was feeling fragile and upset, and helped me learn some things about myself and communication. I’d recommend it, the episodes are short. I’m sure it’s not going to solve all your problems but it might help soothe you a little, as I’m sure this is all really distressing.