****Edit at bottom of post
Working title: This is gonna get messy.
I am currently no contact with my MIL. She has a behavior disorder that I’m not allowed to name in this sub, even though actually being diagnosed with it is rarely a thing because these people don’t go get help. So not allowing us to name it is really just another way of normalizing their behavior. What’s this soapbox doing here and why am I standing on it? Weird.
Anyway. Husband is very supportive- he also finds her insufferable but won’t go completely NC because he can’t handle the guilt (she’s raised him alone and he’s all she has). I get that- as long as he doesn’t force contact on me (he doesn’t) it’s fine. We also have an 11yo son- more on him later.
JNMIL is not allowed in my house. It has progressed over the past decade (since my son was born) from “only allowed one overnight”—> “only allowed for the day” —> “only allowed when I’m not here” —> “why should I have to leave? She’s not allowed at all”. Again, there have been some tense conversations as it has escalated but we’ve worked through them and husband is supportive.
Why isn’t she allowed? Why am I NC? The first time we met, she swept into my then BF’s home (she owned it but he lived there during college) clearly expecting to reign and didn’t like that he had found someone important to him. She spent the visit (and most subsequent visits) making casual insulting commentary on my habits, my hobbies, everything about me. She apparently expected me to pay rent because I stayed over at his house a lot of nights (she owned the house as her way of helping him get through college but he had roommates who paid her rent)- I didn’t find this out until just a few years ago. When DH called her on her behavior towards me her response was “well I didn’t think she was that important to you/I didn’t think she’d be around that long”.
The casual insults stopped when we got married but she makes EVERYTHING about her. My wedding was about her. Having my son was about her. Every visit was about her. I started having panic attacks when visits were upcoming. We’d settle on an end time and it would come and go and the visit would drag and I would start to spiral. It was not good. Hence, the gradual dialing back of time spent with her. I’m very lucky that DH sees everything clearly, he’s often furious with her himself, he’s in regular therapy. Son also knows how I feel (we kept it age appropriate as he was growing up, I didn’t trauma dump on him at age 5 or anything) as he’s a pretty mature 11 now and hears us talk so it’s hard to keep stuff from him anyway.
Side note on the kid since he’s a factor here (though not a major player in my relationship with JNMIL)- she constantly smothers him and demands his attention when they’re together. She demands constant photos with him (so she can show her friends what a great grandma she is). She was banned from being alone with him from the time he was 4 til he was about 10 due to her attempts to emotionally manipulate him (guilting him into doing whatever she wanted him to do in the moment, pushing her opinions on him at a very young age so he would loudly announce things like “Gigi says tattoos are UGLY!!!” when she knows I love my tattoos. Huh. I guess the insults didn’t stop when we got married). Incidentally when we left him alone with her for a night (ONE NIGHT) at age 10 he reported that she told him other grandmas would think their grandsons didn’t love them if they played on their phone like he did. He was fine, we’d spent those years teaching him about guilt and manipulation, so he rolled his eyes and laughed about it, but I still wanted to slap her. It was shortly after this I went full NC.
Okay so the crux that I’m sure will be a saga over the coming months…we are moving to a lovely bigger house, yay!!!! We are so excited, it’s got space for reading and gaming and space to be together and space to be apart and space to grow cannabis (this is IMPORTANT, friends, have you been reading? lol.) and we are just so excited. We have plans to put a pool in in a few years. This is the home my son will bring his laundry home to from college. This is where we’ll take his prom pictures, or maybe where he and his friends will boycott prom. Who knows? We are thrilled.
This morning I was like, um….honey? After we move I still don’t want your mom in my house. And DH is like YEP. Already thought of that. And we will deal with that LATER!
Because here’s what’s going to happen. “Hello, JNMIL? Oh not much, except we bought a new house! Yeah, we’re excited. No, you can’t come visit or see it.” Except it’ll be DH having the conversation. And how the F are we supposed to do that? Because MY parents will be coming. Everyone we KNOW will be welcome. With one very particular exception.
And while I’ve been commenting in this sub for a while and I’m sure no one will suggest this, I’ll say right now that I do not believe I owe her anything like “equal time” or “fair treatment” compared with my parents or anyone else. Time in my home with my family is EARNED. Respect and welcome and loving feelings are earned, not owed.
So I guess I’m open to commiserations (PLEASE), suggestions for how to break it to her, etc. Even suggestions for relatively painless ways to show her around quick and shoo her out “oh no we have lunch reservations in 10 min, better go!”. I could probably power through a 20 minute visit. Or let that happen while I’m out.
Anyway thanks in advance for reading friends, ESPECIALLY if you made it this far. This forum gives me life so often. You’re the best.
Edit:
I’ve been reading these comments with my husband, thank you so much for all the support. I see I wasn’t very clear about some things, I’ll try to clear them up.
She hasn’t EXPLICITLY been told “you are not welcome”. (I anticipate shiny spine comments, I am prepared.) She’s just never invited, when she angles for an invite we ignore her, she lives 2 hours away, and when she comes through town (usually flying somewhere) my husband manages her. He even drove 4 hours round trip to pick her up and bring her to the airport when she took a trip so she wouldn’t leave her car at our house like she suggested (an attempt by her to get a visit in, “well can’t I come in to say hi?”). This was a really big deal because I was having panic attacks about her leaving her car due to some weird trauma from my childhood that I won’t bore you with. So she doesn’t know she’s been banned, but husband knows and manages her to that effect.
She does send us things (usually junk and random cut out newspaper articles, what IS IT with these people.)- she will know we have a new place. She has NOT crossed a line yet of showing up unannounced. She knows that’ll cross a line, so she still has so,e self preservation. (For your amusement, I did catch her peeking in our windows when we didn’t answer the door quickly enough one day when she was still allowed. Who does that.)
As for why we haven’t been explicit with her, see above re: only one who raised him, has no one else. Husband is relatively low contact, Husband manages her, and he finds it easier to keep her at arms length than to be explicit. I don’t feel the need to manage how he manages her as long as he leaves me out of it.
But she’s not stupid, she hasn’t set foot in this house in years, and starting this year I stopped going to holidays at her house. It may be time to be clear. I know it’s DH’s job to manage her, and I reserve the right to make him do that whenever I want, but I may handle that myself. “Look, I haven’t been comfortable with you for years, that has to have been obvious, and that hasn’t changed just because we bought a house.” I’m past the point where her opinion matters to me, so I don’t have anything to lose.
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I don’t think you owe her anything. If you compromise at all, DH could show her the house once while you and your son do something fun, but showing her a house she’s not allowed to visit also seems like a waste of time, IMHO.
I am excited for your future as both a mom and plant mom to a bountiful hydroponics harvest, and am well pleased that DH cares about you enough to enforce the boundaries you’ve set.
Love the context and hearing your story so far.
Do you need to tell her at all? Perhaps he can bring it up casually once the subject is broached as more of an aside comment. The more focus and attention you give this news to her, likely the more she will want to visit and intrude.
Congrats!
Congratulations on the new house! Genuinely – do you need to mention it at all? It sounds like DH meets her elsewhere, so there’s no reason for her to even get a “quick tour”. And if she eventually finds out, he can deal with her explosion. You, my friend, 100% don’t. It’s not for you to even worry about, because you don’t see her, don’t speak to her, she doesn’t come to your house, and you and don’t owe her anything.
Why not just “we will let you know when we are available.”
Does she know she isn’t currently allowed at your house? If so just never invite her over.
Just because the location changed doesn’t mean the rules do!
I wouldn’t let her in, not even for a short tour. My rule is “demon MIL is not welcome in my home and may not step as much as a toe on any property I own or co-own”
Just be honest and tell the truth “ no you may not come visit”
You owe her NOTHING. She’s earned the lack of visits, interactions and involvement in your home. Keep your space safe.
DH could share photos if thats what you both agree is fine. “Hey Mom, great news, we’ve closed on a new home. It’s bigger, there’s more space, we’re very happy. I’ll send you some photos to see what it looks like.”
If she keeps asking to visit “No, you can’t visit in our home.” Expect a blow up. Expect demands. Expect the chaos. “Sorry, this conversation is over. Bye”
Why would she even need to know your new address if she is not welcome to visit you there? It would be kinda mean to show off the house to her on Facetime or a quick walk through but never allow her to visit in it. That’s like people asking how to tell their JN about a LO they will never allow the JN to see.
I am not saying you should allow her to visit. I am just wondering why you need to share that you moved with her or give her the address.
You are already well into realizing fair does not mean equal, and I love your comment that family time is earned (!!). It sounds like you are on your way and now you just need to keep up with the follow through.
Congrats on your new home!
How and when MIL is informed is DH’s task – you don’t need to worry ‘how to break it to her.’
Does she even need to know you’ve moved?
What would happen if you just don’t tell her….?
“Everyone who can behave properly has been invited, maybe someday you can” Giver her something to aspire to.
I would not put up with even a quick 10 minute visit to see the house. As one person put it, just because the location changed does not mean the rules did.
Also, I would not want her bad juju in my new home.
And I would go one further. She is not to even know the address. It maybe where her son resides, but it is a joint home. She is not entitled to any info on you, joint or not.
Forget the visit. Send pics instead.
I vote for not telling her at all.
She has no reason to know since she’s not even welcome to your current home, and she has your husbands number if she needs to see him or pick something up.
I hope you and your family have many happy years in your new home xx
I’m so sorry.
I don’t think there’s a way to be gentle with people like that. Being nice and polite is just an opening for them to get a wedge into and try to break you. Just a straight up no is hard to do but it will save you all lot of grief in the long run. I wouldn’t even give her the address. Get a P.O. box at a mail center with a street address if she insists she needs to mail you things or some other trickery.
Just a reminder to tell your realtor to please not make a social media post about it and to make sure the seller’s agent knows you don’t want to be posted about. I moved and had certain people I didn’t want to know plus I now live alone and didn’t really want to advertise it.
My seller’s realtor made a post that was basically “closed another one” with the listing and stats (time on market etc) and tagged the sellers thanking them and my very dormant FB congratulating me on the new house. I was told about it by my mom days after the post had been up. I asked that it be taken down, realtor refused saying it was in her agreement with the sellers that she could use the listing for social media however she wanted. I called and spoke to her broker. Broker took the post down and apologized, but as they say there’s no putting the toothpaste back in the tube.
I just want to let you know that I feel you. My parents live 5 minutes from us and come over whenever and watch our cats when we are out of town. My JNMIL has never been over, and she’s asked a lot apparently. I don’t want her over ever. She has seen it on FaceTime and that’s enough for me. I wasn’t involved in the FaceTime btw. But my husband thought it would help placate her.
Once she puts a foot inside, in your mind, it will be soiled. It will stop being your safe haven. She cannot under any circumstances ever set a foot into your house.
That’s it, that’s my take.
I see a lot of comments saying not to tell her that you’ve moved, and I agree. However, is there anyone in the family that might leak the news and share your address with her? Your husband needs to be proactive about letting those individuals know they too will not be invited over if they tell MIL where you live.
Be honest and blunt, ‘No you can’t come, you’re not welcome in our home. Yes her parents are welcome. You are not’
You don’t have to give reasons, she can argue with reasons. She knows what she’s done.
Who cares if she turns on victim mode – it’s not going to change your mind. It just proves even more that she is not welcome near your home.
Congrats on the house! Everyone that’s welcome is welcome for good reason. She’s not. For good reasons.
This woman might be living in Missing Missing Reasons land, but on some level, she knows she’s not welcome around you. DH & I feel the same way about 3/5 sibs, to the point we refused to tell them we moved or share our address. No doubt they can find it online, but they 100% know what sort of reception would be waiting.
I wouldn’t tell her shit.
If you let her cross the threshold, she will suck you dry. Oh wait, that’s vampires, but she is an emotional vampire so it still applies. Do not tell her you are moving. She isn’t allowed in your home so it shouldn’t matter where you live.
I’m glad you have a husband who supports you. That is what makes you luckier than 98% of people posting on this sub.
Have the rules changed? Since when can’t you mention narcissism?
I wouldn’t even tell her that you bought it, or give her the address. NC, is NC
Our first home is a fixer upper and every time my MIL has visited she has trashed its condition and everything wrong with it and has told us it’s not worth it and we should leave. It’s very disheartening to me. Last time she visited she wasn’t allowed at the house and I’m considering making that a permanent thing.
All that to say, you are right, and you’ve got this!
I don’t think you should have her over even for a short period of time.
When DH informs her that you’re moving, don’t invite her over. If she asks about seeing the new place DH should just tell her the same rules apply. Nothing’s changed other than your address.
Since her behavior has had consequences (no alone time with LO, NC and no house invites, etc) I’m going to assume she’s aware that she’s in the dog house and her behavior is a problem, even if she denies she has done anything wrong.
If that’s the case, just have DH be straight with her, it will be the best option in the long run;
> “MIL, just because we bought a new house doesn’t erase all of the reasons you aren’t allowed in our home. If you’d like to see what it looks like I can send some photos (this part only if DH wants to, otherwise don’t even offer photos), but you are not invited to come over as a consequence for your past actions.”
Then rinse and repeat if she argues; “No, that is not up for discussion. If you’d like to see it I can send photos, but you are not invited to come over.”
Have hubby do a virtual tour with her on zoom. You won’t have to deal with her or give her your address.
DH on Facetime is more than she deserves. Do it before you get set up too, so she doesn’t get to see your house as a home.
Also, post her glitter. Because she deserves it.
I’m curious why you have to tell her at all. She’s not allowed at your current house and shouldn’t be showing up anyway. My vote is she doesn’t need the info as she won’t be allowed there, keep your address private.
Moving is need to know info and everything you wrote points to she is not on the need to know list of important people
you could just not tell her
It’s YYAThe you know iewiSkpsjaa
I’d just wait until she broaches the subject and then say. “You haven’t been allowed in our current home for years now, what makes you think you’re going to be allowed in the new one?”
If you open the door for her it’ll be harder to close it back.
She hasn’t earned a damn thing from you, so DH can send her pics. She doesn’t need to come there to see it.
Imagine she lives abroad.
Congrats on the new home!!
I too have a move coming up and I’m super excited, I get it. Don’t let the monsters in your home, only you can defend your safe space, YOUR home.
She’s not owed access to anything, particularly with her behaviour.
I hate hate hate the ‘equal time’ arguments and agree with you a zillion percent: time spent with me is EARNED. You go girl.
Also your writing style tickles my whiskers. Love it.
It feels like something you just dont mention. She doesnt have a right to know you have moved. She is on a need to know basis. Id just have a canned response ready for her should she eventually find out. “Oh yeah, thanks we did move a while back” or “oh our new house? Its quite nice thank you” and when she asks to come see it “Sorry we arent comfortable with that. All boundaries in our old home have transferred to our new home as well”
I feel like if you allow a visit, even if you’re not home, it will be seen by her as getting her foot in the door. It will just open it up for your husband to have to constantly tell her no. Just stick with “new house, same rules” going forward. Businesses don’t change their return policies when they move to a bigger location, why should you have to change your rules?
Why do you
Even have to tell her?
I learned this lesson very late in life: even your family members don’t have to know everything about your business. This isn’t an issue unless you tell her so just don’t. She doesn’t need to know. It’s as simple as that.
A visit is a terrible idea. “Look, MIL here is a beautiful new property you’ll never ever be allowed to step in again.” It’s like waving a cape around an enraged bull. Just why?
If you give a mouse a cookie. Except, ya know, the mouse is your MIL and the cookie is the house. You already know that.
Everything is exactly the same, except for the ‘venue’! Moving doesn’t change a thing. It sure won’t be changing her. Don’t let her in.
She has absolutely no business entering your home. That is your family’s safe space and you don’t need her bringing her negativity to your space. Tell husband she does not need to see your home and that a a firm boundary.
She can look at the Zillow (or equivalent) listing if she wants to see it.
If she’s not allowed into your current home, why does she need to know you’re moving at all?
Don’t break it to her. She isn’t welcome to it wasn’t important to tell her and going out of your way to tell her implies it was. It’ll come up on its own (oh not much just decluttering pre move… oh yeah, we’re moving) or someone will mention it. After that back to grey rocking:
Where: not too far /east of the river/whatever
When: soon
What’s it like: we like it
Can she come see/drive by/whatever: nope and please don’t try. It won’t end well.
Does she send you gift or cards? If not, “hey mum we are moving” then when she wants to visit, since she doesn’t stay overnight or anything, “I’d be happy to go out to lunch with you mum, or how about meeting for a coffee and a walk”
Your husband can just start visiting at her house instead.
The only reason I’d tell her you are moving is incase she turns up at your current house, because the drama I assume she’d blow up about moving without telling her.
Otherwise, just don’t tell her until she says something about you not living at the old place anymore to which husband can reply “I thought I told you we moved” and change the subject.
You’re saying “she’s not allowed in my home,” but what you really mean is “she’s not allowed to be with my family.” How does her knowing where you live affect that? Don’t tell her! And by the way, you’re doing a good job keeping her away from your son. He doesn’t need her manipulation and craziness in his life.
I love your writing style. I have no helpful suggestions, unfortunately. Just want to compliment you.
If you open the door even a crack, you already know what will happen. Stick to your NC and not having her in your home.
Maybe DH can give her a quick tour before the couch and furniture arrives (no where to sit). After that time if she invites herself again HE can let her know he is uncomfortable with the way she treats you, and visits will take place outside your home, just like they have been before you moved.
Only offer a tour if you are 100% okay. Otherwise a video tour will suffice.
If you HAVE to tell her you guys moved, just tell her, and without missing a beat say, “we will send you pictures.”
I wouldn’t tell her she can’t be in the house or around you particularly because someone like that knowing the exact things they’re not allowed to do means they know and will want those things eventually.
Anyway, I NEED to know how she took herself to be diagnosed. How on earth did that happen? Lol sorry but my MIL would never let someone tell her any diagnosis and I swear she pretended to go to therapy.
NC means you don’t have to tell her you’ve moved.
At all.
I’m really confused at the first bit. You said you’re not allowed to name the diagnosis she has on this sub? I didn’t see anything about that in the rules. Ableism isn’t allowed, but naming a diagnosis isn’t ableism, so I’m just confused at that.
Elsewise, I don’t really know why she even needs to know your new address. Or that you’ve moved.
If your husband absolutely has to tell her, he can also explain “We don’t feel comfortable having you in our home due to your inappropriate behavior X, Y, and Z” and list specific instances. Being disrespectful and insulting, trying to manipulate your son, crossing boundaries, etc. And make a hard line and stated boundary.
Since she’s not welcome to visit now, why tell her at all?
Is your MIL my mother?? Holy crap she’s(my mom) done that shit my whole life and throughout my son’s life. You are doing the right thing 🙂
Don’t tell her you’ve bought a house, just tell her you have a new address. If she asks if you’ve moved, only tell her yes and don’t expand on that. She doesn’t need any more information than that.
Why not let your husband just casually bring it up in conversation that you’ll be moving? I’m surprised that your husband hasn’t learned some skills in how to share information and keep his peace if he’s been in therapy for so long.
Also, how do you handle keeping her away now? If she’s banned from the house now that should not change. It would open a door you don’t want opened and it would be easier after awhile to keep it that way. Husband could be very noncommittal initially about anything regarding the new house. Letting her see it even with your husband giving her a short walkthrough serves no purpose. She’s going to see that house and it will give her so much visual and ammunition to make his life miserable. She already knows she’s banned from your home. It shouldn’t matter if you’re in a new dwelling. Your home is more than the house you live in.
Let him show her via FaceTime, if there is no other way around it. As others have said, NC means you don’t have to tell her anything at all.
She’s never going to stay at your home. She’s never going to be invited to an event at your home. So there is no reason for her to see your home. She only wants to see it to push boundaries. And she doesn’t want to have to explain to others that she’s never actually seen her son’s new home. It’s about image and control. Everything is about image and control.
When sports teams build a new stadium, the rules of football don’t change at the new venue. Your rules are the same no matter where you live. It is your sanctuary, your safe space, and she is not allowed there.
If she wanted continued access to you, your house, and your child, then she should have behaved better.
We have a similar situation. Bought a fixer-upper many states away from MIL 2 years ago. Completed a renovation but there are many projects still ongoing. We only have AC in one room and we still have things like trim, paint etc that are missing. Buying and restoring a historical home has always been my dream.
Every time MIL plans a visit, I fly home to see my family 🙂 and she cancels her flights (that she booked without asking us). I know this won’t last forever so I discussed this with my therapist who had a fantastic idea: hype it up and don’t let MIL speak.
Imagine yourself on antidepressant speed. Like you took a lot of ecstasy and a little bit of cocaine on the side. Bubbly, disturbingly upbeat, positive, friendly, and SO SO HAPPY about your new home. DON’T YOU LOVE EVERYTHING, MIL??? LOOK AT THIS OTHER THING HERE. WOW WE ARE JUST SO HAPPY THIS WAS SUCH A GOOD INVESTMENT. Talk so loudly and over the top that she is stunned and can’t say a thing, and you can’t hear her anyways.
She will run and tell your husband’s family and her friends that you’re manic and need a psych eval but we don’t care about that.
Pair that with a deadline (have something scheduled ahead of time) and you’ll be golden.
“when do I get to see your new house?” “Why? So you can pick everything apart, from price to structure to our decor? Hard pass. Anyway, gotta go!” And hang up the phone 😂
First of all, I support you and 100% of what you are saying makes sense!!
If possible, my brief suggestion. Let DH walk MIL through house right after you close on it, but before you move in. Then she can’t critique decor, nor can she derail a closing inspection. Then it also might feel less like she’s walking through your space, and more like she’s seeing your blank canvas before you’ve painted it. Still not ideal, but maybe a way to avoid conflict about it and get about what you want.
Vampires must be invited into a house. Don’t invite your vampire. Sucks to be her, facing consequences for her words and actions.
My toxic trait is I would not tell her at all since you are no contact.
If she stays longer than 10 minutes tell her she needs to pay rent. Pay her the respect she paid you!
If she is not allowed in the house where you currently live, why do you even feel the need to tell her you’re moving? It’s not like she’ll ever come over.
It seems you’ve endured many years of mistreatment from MIL and the NC is richly deserved. Good on you and DH banding together. I think the best revenge is living well. Continue the NC and don’t let her in your new home. There’s no point telling her about it or letting her in. She is nothing to you and that’s a good thing.
Hi, are you me? Am I you? I think… maybe.
If it were me, I would just be clear about it. From you, its not such a betrayal as from your husband but your needs are important and deserve to be stated out loud and clearly expressed so if, god forbid, one day she does show up out of the blue in total desperation, the scene for you to act a fool has been set, should you so choose. (God knows I would let her have as far as my conscience dictates. FWIW Sometimes a truth said in sincerity can cut worse than any harsh words.)
I would say, straight up, you are not welcome in my home and i frankly do not feel welcome in yours. Should you need to visit facilitate with your son but understand it won’t be under this roof.
Also. CONGRATULATIONS!!!! 🎊🎈🎉🍾
I am actually legit so excited for you to have this place for your family. I’m dreaming of the day I can do the same for mine. Inspiration for sure!!
Whatever you do, dont let her in. Not even once. Set the precedence and stick by it. But also be ready for the day she steps over the line.
Wishing you all the best!!
Sounds like she needs a PO box as a mailing address for you…..
“sure, I’ll give you a video tour right now” ~turn on video call~ “and there you go! that’s it!”
I haven’t seen my MIL in years because of her toxic behaviour. She stopped being invited to our old house. She smeared me to SO’s family and stopped 2 of his brothers and their families coming to our house. The third brother would still visit occasionally. They are all afraid of her and no one can say no to her.
We moved in January, only a few miles away, but MIL is not welcome. I have told SO this (he has no spine whatsoever) and MIL’ response was to stop all the brothers coming over and then texting SO that they are all so worried about him and don’t know what to do. As if I’m controlling and abusive. She knows it’s only her & FIL who aren’t welcome, due to her horrible behaviour towards me, but she’s extremely manipulative and always manages to paint me as the problem when it’s her.
I’m not sure any of this is helpful to you but I think it actually doesn’t matter what you do. Tell her honestly, or don’t bother. She’ll still be a nightmare. I would do the best thing for you, don’t think about what anyone else might think because it doesn’t matter.
Find another house for sale far away from yours. Get DH to give her a tour of it. If she hears that you have a new house, this is it. Yes, I am slightly evil, but if she’s been a nightmare you might as well get some fun out of her!
You’ve got a toxic situation on your hands. Your MIL’s behavior is manipulative and controlling, and you’ve every right to set boundaries. When DH breaks the news about the new house, he’ll need to be firm and clear: “We’re excited about our new home, but we’re not inviting you over.” No justification needed. You’ve earned the right to decide who enters your space, and she hasn’t. Don’t feel guilty about it, prioritize your own well-being and your family’s.
Congrats on the new house! It’s completely reasonable to keep your MIL out given her history. Since your husband manages her visits well, it makes sense he handles telling her no if she asks to come. You don’t owe her access just because she’s family, respect and trust are earned, not automatic. A brief, firm message from your husband about no visits or quick drop-ins works. If you want, you can join for a short tour and then excuse yourself. It’s okay to protect your space and mental health. You’ve got this!
Whatever works for you and your family is the correct choice. Her wants do not prioritise your needs. If she starts guilt tripping, complaining and demanding. Maybe try this.
” we are not taking visitors.”
“We have everything we need”
“My families needs overule, your wants”
” Your past behaviour reflects on our future accomidations.”
I do understand that while DH needs to handle this, I’d say have a back up plan, in case she shows up unexpected. And has undertaken a property search . Tape it to the back of the door. Sometimes it feels like being a deer in the headlights and it will help any railroading. Your all doing great on the boundaries and helping your child understand what emotional manipulation can look like. Oh and cameras! Always a great evidence catcher if ever required.
Wait I’m dumb, what is the condition the OP was talking about in the beginning?
I also recently bought a house, and in two months I will have her first grandchild. No, you won’t come here. We’re going to introduce the baby to a restaurant, something like that, when he’s about 6 months old.
Your husband may mention the house casually in some conversation and discuss the subject of “visits”. Not showing excitement or happiness is important to minimize the fact for her and not sharpen her desire to be part of it. Gray rock always.
Don’t tell her you’re moving. Put in a forwarding address at the post office – they will forward for 6 months. That gives DH plenty of time to mention you’ve moved. It doesn’t have to be now (telling her).
Congrats on your new house!