We have seen some truly wild takes on the internet, but the level of audacity displayed in this Reddit thread is honestly off the charts. Usually, when you date someone for four years, you take a genuine interest in their background. You maybe try to learn how to say “hello” to their grandmother or try their favorite childhood dish. But one boyfriend decided that instead of putting in the bare minimum effort, he would simply gaslight his girlfriend out of her entire ethnicity.
The Original Poster is a guy in his twenties who has been with his girlfriend for four years. He describes himself as white with ancestors who were some of the first settlers in Canada, which he seemingly thinks gives him the authority to distribute citizenship and racial identities. His girlfriend, on the other hand, was literally born in China and immigrated to Canada as a baby with her family. Despite the fact that she has Chinese parents and was born on a different continent, the OP has decided she is “very white-washed” because she doesn’t have an accent and doesn’t watch Chinese news.
The drama started during a casual conversation about culture. The girlfriend gently suggested that it would be nice if the OP learned a little bit of Chinese. She wasn’t asking him to become fluent or write a dissertation; she just wanted him to engage with a part of who she is. The OP’s internal monologue here is painfully honest—he explicitly admits to the internet that he has no patience and is “a bit lazy,” so he just didn’t want to do it.
Instead of just admitting he is too lazy to open a language app, he decided to attack her identity to get out of the homework. When she mentioned that learning the language would be nice because it is part of her culture, he actually asked her, “What’s your culture?” Then, in a move that defies all logic and self-preservation, he looked at a woman born in China and told her, “No you’re not, you’re white.”
His reasoning for erasing her heritage is that she eats “Chinese food sometimes” but otherwise acts like his white family during holidays. He completely glazes over the fact that she speaks Chinese to her parents. That is a massive cultural signifier! Just because she speaks English to her siblings or didn’t hang out with international students at university does not magically turn her into a white woman. It just means she is a well-adjusted immigrant who navigates two worlds.
Unsurprisingly, the girlfriend was furious. She told him exactly what he needed to hear: “How dare you tell someone what their culture is or isn’t.” She rightly pointed out that it was highly offensive and out of line. The OP, however, is still confused. He claims he was just trying to say he sees her as Canadian, as if being Canadian and being Chinese are mutually exclusive concepts.
This is a classic case of someone using “I don’t see color” to excuse their own ignorance. By telling her she is “white,” he is trying to absolve himself of the responsibility to learn about her life. If she is “just like him,” then he doesn’t have to stretch his brain to learn a new language or understand a different perspective. It is the ultimate act of lazy partnering disguised as a weird, assimilationist compliment.
The internet absolutely destroyed this guy, and for good reason. You cannot strip someone of their racial identity just because they grew up in the West. She is Chinese-Canadian. That is her reality. If you are too lazy to learn a few words of her native language, just own your laziness. Don’t try to rewrite her DNA to make yourself feel better.
It takes a special kind of arrogance to think you know more about your partner’s identity than they do. Hopefully, this guy learns that “white-washed” is an insult, not a diagnostic term he gets to apply to get out of learning Mandarin. What would you do if your partner tried to tell you what your ethnicity was? Let us know in the comments!